Recalibrating my thoughts on dating

[jonsnuh]

The title should've been "Recalibrating my thoughts on finding a date"

 

Objective: I'm not sure about my friends' judgement, if there are any significant implications with how I date, and this is a wake up call with some questions I've had about dating.

 

I'm popping back to Loveshack after a year of removing myself from the ruminations of an old, long-term, break-up.

 

But what's caused me to come back are doubts of my support group in regards to dating-- my friends' judgement. Things I would never ask them in person without it being taken personally. My approach is to be genuine when I meet new people, and I occasionally read on insight from pick up artists without compromising who I really am and how I behave everyday.

 

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Context:

After a night of drinking, two of my friends and I went to a restaurant to order some noodles at the heart of Chinatown, to sober up and to ensure a good night's rest after the meal.

 

After we finish ordering, I'm immediately drawn to a girl who seats herself directly behind one of my pal's head, and another booth. In my mind, suddenly 10 questions pop in my head (and having a huge hangover migraine didn't help), in this incoherent order:

- Is she waiting on someone?

- When should I go to her table?

- How should I make my approach, and how should I introduce myself?

- What if I screw up?

- But if I lose this chance, I won't see her again...

- But maybe she doesn't want to be approached?

 

The last question stuck with me the most. At one point I didn't care what my friends thought or said. I just wanted to make a connection and see where it would go from there, although I knew I wasn't at my most composed state and the girl could've just written me off like a joke. It's the confidence I'm lacking.

 

I tried to gauge if she was open to meeting new people. I noticed she seemed to look around a lot as if she wanted to be noticed, taking a while to select stuff from the menu and asking the serve a lot of questions. This was where I had thought that I should have approached her table to make a suggestion on the noodles. She also left her table and paid for her food as if she was going for take-out, while looking around. At this point, I lost my interest since I had thought she wasn't going to stay for very long.

 

Remaining hopeful, I glance over to her table again and see that not only is she eating alone, no one had approached her and she had ordered a steiner of beer and fries. Fries? In a noodle house? That's what I thought I had said, but it was one of my friends who pointed it out. You're probably confused at this point, because I had asked my friends if it was a good idea to talk to her. The other friend told me that she was only barely passed, and that I was still drunk. Nonetheless, I felt a pang of uncontrollable adrenaline, and all the thoughts I had came rushing back into my head.

 

I wanted her to take notice of me and she was interested at all with another person eating with her, so I got up from the booth and walked in her direction toward the washroom. Looking back, a lack of confidence kept me from giving eye-contact. When I came back from the washroom, I returned to my chair, passing by her table.

 

I feel like I could've sat down with her. It could've been fun and my friends would've had a good laugh if I tried and didn't make a date with her. It could've been entertaining for me and the girl. I wouldn't be writing this rant with a tinge of underlying regret. My friends probably saw I could've made a huge mistake, or I just wasn't in the right state and ready. But when does one act when there there is a stranger you are attracted to (and the other person is showing some signs of interest)? One part of doesn't care what other people think and could be interpreted as reeking of desperation, while the logical part of my personality keeps me in check and wins out all the time.

 

Sadly, 0 dates and lots of regrets. The fear of being seen in public as a harasser on the subway (where everyone hears what you have to say since apparently all commuters are zombies and no one is allowed to disturb the silence) has been a huge turnoff. Online dating hasn't helped either.

[jonwashington]

you should have went up to her...dont worry about what your friends say..they are always wrong anyways..when you have a feeling inside you...you go for it..its you not them..you already came up with a dialog...you could have busted her balls.."i would talk to you but i dont know if i should trust a girl who gets fries at a chinese place"..then if she laughs order her something good for her and sit and talk to her..just be nice and yourself.. if she doesnt want to be bothered then she will let you know after you say what i just said. the thing is...alot of girls arent really open to these things..things we see on movies and tv shows..alot of girls need to be friends before they are comfortable with anyone. some girls dont even find some guys attractive until they know them. the problem is if she denies you.. can get past the "DAMN she denied me" and transform it into.."atleast i tried"..its a numbers game..even bradd pitt has been denied..and the question ..."will i ever see her again" dude who cares i have asked the same thing and i have seen women everyday more beautiful than the day before. but you should have talked to her..even just for practice or/and she could have been your friend....or it could have worked out. or maybe she was a hooker getting some food with money her pimp gave her. LOL best of luck

[Chris2016]

Have you seen the YouTube video where guy sits next to girl and ask Siri how to ask the girl out?

[normal person]

I feel like I could've sat down with her. It could've been fun and my friends would've had a good laugh if I tried and didn't make a date with her. [...] But when does one act when there there is a stranger you are attracted to (and the other person is showing some signs of interest)? One part of doesn't care what other people think and could be interpreted as reeking of desperation, while the logical part of my personality keeps me in check and wins out all the time.

 

I think your head is in the right place, you just need some guidance on the implementation. Sitting down with her might be a bit much, because you're giving her no choice in the matter. She very well could not want you, or anyone to sit there. However you can give her another option: without getting up from your seat (don't invade her personal space), just get her attention and ask her if she wants to sit with you and your friends, or (with humor) if she wants to be friends with you and sit down. If she's just sitting there alone with seemingly no one else to hang out with, she might actually be happy to oblige. The point being, don't force anything on her and make her uncomfortable, let her have an option and agency in the matter.

 

The key is not to do it hesitantly or timidly, that will nuke your chances. You absolutely must do it with obvious confidence, like you're inviting her, almost taking pity on her and giving her the privilege of sitting with you. That establishes the dynamic between you two. When you're timid and shy, she realizes you, as a grown man, are actually afraid of approaching her and that's very unattractive. When you you appear self assured, she doesn't question your confidence and takes it at face value. She realizes you're in control and you're giving her an opportunity to have your attention, not asking for hers, which would imply that you think she has more leverage. She actually does because you want her attention, but the trick is to let her believe that it's the other way around.

 

I've found this is a great way to pick up girls on a cruise ship, or anywhere else where people might be there just with their families, alone, against their will, waiting for or without their friends, or something of the sort. Look for girls on the sidelines of places who seem like they want to be having fun, but aren't. People would rather hang out with other people than be alone, so in a lot of circumstances all you really have to do is look fun, not too threatening, and say "hey, come hang out with us." It's as easy as that.

 

 

Sadly, 0 dates and lots of regrets. The fear of being seen in public as a harasser on the subway (where everyone hears what you have to say since apparently all commuters are zombies and no one is allowed to disturb the silence) has been a huge turnoff. Online dating hasn't helped either.

 

Don't jump in and ask to go out with her. Why would she go out with you if she knew absolutely nothing about you? You need to spend time with her and make her feel comfortable first. Invite her to hang out with you, show her how fun you are, bond a little bit, then ask her out. Luckily, in New York (I assume), t's common for you to take this whole journey with a girl in the span of a few hours or less. You can meet some anywhere under these kinds of circumstances and you never know what'll develop. And that's totally normal here. You're really in the best city for it.

 

Best of luck.

[tasev1]

Make a fool of yourself in public.....what do you think will happen? NOTHING!!!! Some people might look, but so what?

 

You need to learn to be centered, and confident. Nothing will happen to you. Sure, your first approach might not be great, but as you practice, you learn. There's plenty of resources out there to help you learn the tools to make interaction happen.

 

And the opening.....isn't what she is going to remember.

[Arieswoman]

jonsnuh,

Some advice from a woman;

 

 

Don't try and chat up women after a "night of drinking", you'll come over as a tw@t and they'll think you're just looking for a pick-up.

 

 

Try asking women out when you're sober.

 

 

HTH.

[loverboy69]

I was out to lunch today with some coworkers.

 

While there some tall good looking dude drops his business card on the table by my glass with a note that says: "call me," on the back.

 

I was totally flattered (as it was very ballsy of the dude) but I'm spoken for so.....

 

Just a thought?

[gaius]

Look jon, I'll tell you right now, when it comes to women there is no such thing as a male friend. It's not in most men's nature to try and truly assist you in that category. Your success would come at their expense in that situation. So don't ask your friends advice on approaching a woman while you're all out together because the chances are good it will be bad advice they give you on purpose.

 

Next time you have an urge like that find an excuse to talk to her and use it. Just because you decide to approach her doesn't mean you're stuck together for the next hour. Talk to her for 15-20 seconds and get a vibe if she's into it or not. If she is, keep it going, if she's not then move on back to your table. Unless she's mentally ill she's not going to be seriously disturbed by someone engaging her for 15 seconds.

 

It's usually the small choices that make the biggest difference man.