Feel I'm in limbo since discovery...

[OgreBattle73]

Background; have been married to my wife for 5 years. Always thought we had a great relationship and am the type of guy who would have bet a million that his wife would never do anything against him.

Last week I was formatting my laptop and needed a pen drive to store my files on so I just unplugged my wifes from her laptop and used that.

I admit I was a bit nosy and couldn't resist a peek at her files. Normal stuff; photos of our holidays, kitchen designs she likes, some music files, her CV etc. But also a file marked "Diary" and again I couldn't resist a peek.

It was diary from 2010 until 2013. I read/skimmed through a lot of it but in July 2012 (a year after we got married) she went to a hen party with some friends and it seems there was a male stripper there.

According to the diary the guy was totally gorgeous and had an amazing body. Now I'm not that out-of-shape myself but I'm certainly no gym addict.

First it really upset me that she wrote these details because she isn't the type to comment other guys, at least not in my presence.

She writes that she spoke to the guy when he was leaving after and asked him if he offered private dances. He told her that he worked as an male escort, gave her his number and 2 days later she met him at a hotel for a 1 hour "outcall".

The diary is very detailed about what took place and she is very vivid about how excited and aroused he got her. And she actually PAID for it!!!

I confronted her about it at the weekend and she cried hysterically and apologised.

she has told me that she was just weak and gave into a temptation. She said she felt she needed to get it out of her system because I'm the only guy she's ever been with and that it was just a way of living the "stud" fantasy once.

She assures me that all desires for "something else" are now gone and that after this incident she wanted to devote the rest of her life to our union.

 

I don't know if I can forgive though. Her words are convincing but in that diary, where every thing they did was described so minutely there was NO sense of regret. Not only that, but she did things with him that she NEVER does with me. Like letting him finish in her mouth during oral. That is just eating me inside!!!! She claims she just wanted to be able to act completely shameless for 1 hour of her life. But WHY with a stranger and not the man she loves????

In a way I'm relieved that no feelings were involved and that I'm not losing her to someone. It seems it was purely a sexual desire.

Still hurts like hell though

[LostOnes05]

I'd be done with her. There is never an excuse for cheating. Not only did she disrespect you and the marriage, she could have potentially brought diseases into your household. She didn't know the guy or last time he was tested. If you accept that excuse, when you get into a bad argument what's going to happen?

[Raena]

If you choose to stay with her, you are in for a rocky road. You'll have to decide if it's worth it to work through all of this with a counselor or to walk away. The emotions you feel right now, they do pass and you'll start to see things in a clearer light. Right now you are in shock and probably questioning everything you ever knew about her.

 

In the end, it's up to you to decide if you can forgive her or if this is a breaking point but you need to give yourself some time to figure that out.

[CarrieT]

Don't make hasty decisions. The shock you are in may cause you to act or react in ways you will regret; either telling her the marriage is over or you think it will survive (possibly with counseling).

 

The bottom line is that time is now on your side and you can take steps towards determining your plan. Get into counseling, at least, for starters. Sleep in separate rooms and spend time apart, contemplating the future.

 

Right now, you have the deluge of Mind Movies of what she did based on her writings and your gut is telling you that you will never be able to see her again *without* those images. That is not necessarily the case but without the benefit of some time and space, you just can't think clearly.

 

Give yourself the gift of time....

[Mind-Chants]

Was it the only out call or it happened again ???

 

If what she is saying is true that after that day she decided to devote to you, it is usually reflected in some kind of compensatory behavior. Lets just say "Over compensation". U ever noticed this. (I know way too much time to remember things.) Also not that day but subsequent entries in dairy may reflect remorse.

 

Your story sound similar to what happened to one of my good friend. He is married for last 6 years and together for 11 years. They were each other's first. 5 years ago his wife had a ONS with a person she met during one of her business trips. She felt very guilty about it. She did a complete 180 within few days of her ONS. Left her job and became a SAHW. But she never told him about it. Religiously took care of house and things. Became a super dedicated wife. I remember my friend saying that time how things at his home were great and sudden change in his wife's attitude towards their family and home. Last year he found a suspicious doc file in their home lappy recycle bin. It was a draft of an advisory she posted at some relationship website detailing things and her guilt. That is how she got caught. NOW - They are reconciling after brief separation.

 

What he did was same as said by CarrieT. He asked for a time out. This is definitely an emotionally charged moment. Don't make any decisions now. Try to identify your true feelings. If u feel divorce is going to be a solution then no. I must confess I personally have no experiences in these things happening to you but from what I learnt from my friend is that it can be painful (He stayed with me for few weeks during his separation for 2 months and talked about his feelings a lot). Again her words mean nothing unless put to action. Again nobody here knows your wife better than you. So make independent judgement evaluating all kinds of consequences.

[RySant]

I am the kind of person who usually say "Eff that, he/she cheats, dump him/her!"

 

But in this case, I agree with CarrieT and Mind-Chants.

 

For me, Emotional Cheating is much more unforgiveable than pure Physical Affair. But that's just me. This is not even an "affair" for me as there's no emotion from both ends, she paid for it (business sex, I call it) and then they went their separate ways.

 

But if this is a recurring episode (Ask her about it) then, there is a problem. For some reason, I understand her explanation (So I believe she is telling the truth.) I can be more dirty to a person whom I don't love rather than to the person I love the most. Showing my carnal desires to a person that I love, especially the dirty ones, are kinda risky as I might be judged by my lover.

 

I think, it's pure stupidity and naivety on her part without malice. I just hope that she really mean it that it was an only one time affair.

 

Up to you, dude. But personally, I will let this pass if I can prove that this is the only time she did it. And for a person who have PERSONAL issues with anything cheating, infidelity and divorce, this is saying something.

[OgreBattle73]

I honestly don't remember any compensatory style behaviour. She's always been a great wife and treated me wonderfully. That's why this now feels like my world has been hit by an earthquake!

 

The diary afterwards made no further mention of this or any other tryst.

She assures me it was an isolated case.

She also claims that before it happened she never had any temptations or thoughts about cheating. Seeing this stripper getting his gear off just seems to have been too big of an instant temptation.

 

On Friday morning I was so happy and a few days later my world has fallen to bits.

My boss asked me today if I'm ok so I think my work starts to suffer. Not surprised because I can literally think about nothing else.

 

the time-apart idea is appreciated but to be honest since I found this out I just want to be with her ALL the time. Even if we don't speak or touch (which I don't particularly desire right now) I just feel calmer in her presence. Alone is when my mind races and shows me her actions and gives me panic attacks.

I feel pathetic that I can't even order her away for a few days to punish her a bit. I just feel like clinging to her like a puppy.

[CarrieT]

OP, your desire to cling to her "like a puppy" will undoubtedly result in what is known as "hysterical bonding." You two will have some wildly erotic sexual encounters with one another.

 

For her, however, she will see this as a sign that you forgive her, can forget, and move on. Be wary of this stage as - for you - it might ultimately push you in the opposite direction that will leave her questioning, "How come he could have sex with me (i.e., USE ME LIKE THAT?!?!) and then decide to end the marriage?!?!"

 

This happens a LOT!

[OgreBattle73]

Hysterical bonding resulting in wild sex? We shall see about that! I would rather slip my old man through a butchers letter box!

 

I've thought a lot this afternoon and am going to tell her it's over.

Marital vows obviously mean nothing to her. She stood before me and promised "Love, Fidelity and Marital Honesty" - and within ONE YEAR she trashed all three promises!!!

 

Was she considering me when she was getting dirty with this guy? Smiling at him as they did it? Looking at him lustfully and going wild with desire while I was probably in the kitchen drying dishes!

That's not Love and it's not respect!

Fu*k her

[EverySunset]

Whatever you tell her, do right by YOU by talking this out with a therapist. No matter what you do with your marriage, please find someone to help you understand your very tangled feelings - for your heart.

[bigbaby]

What?! Throw away five years of good marriage over one idiotic hour-long mistake? I've been married nearly six times longer than you and I say get real, son.

 

 

Short answer - You need to forgive her. There's not one single person on this earth who won't hurt you sooner or later. I promise you that one day it will be you needing the forgiveness from her in one way or another that's just as bad if not worse.

 

 

Make an appointment for marriage counseling right now.

 

 

Best wishes to you. Sorry you got blindsided.

Edited January 25, 2016 by bigbaby

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

I'd just leave her. She will be free to have all the stud fantasies she could afford.

 

I honestly don't know one woman in my entire dating history (or life in general) that would let a one-time dalliance with a prostitute slide, so I could get it out of my system. Fair is fair.,

[TX-SC]

Ask her if she will give you a hall pass to visit a prostitute and see what she says. I am willing to bet she won't go for it. Rightfully so.

 

Generally, I would be all for divorcing her. But, I'm just not sure it's worth throwing away a marriage over one night with a stranger. If you do decide to leave her, that's your right for sure. If you decide to stay, there will need to be some counseling and plenty of talk about boundaries. Also, you'll need to talk about why she can't do things with you that she did with him. Also, press the issue on whether this is the only time. Maybe even have her take a polygraph.

 

If you stay it will be very difficult to get over this. But, you will mostly get over it eventually. I don't thonk it will ever go away, but you'll think of it less as time goes by. I'm sorry you are going through this. Many of us have been through it at least once in some fashion and can feel your pain.

[OneLov]

OP,

 

I'm sorry you are hurting. My only advice is to give it more time before you make a decision regarding your marriage's future. It's only been a few days and you do not have to commit to any decision yet. Try to clear your head as best you can and think of what is best for you and how you are going to make that happen.

 

You're still in the initial stage of shock and disbelief. I would suggest you give yourself time to evaluate the situation. I hope you make The best decision for you.

 

Best of luck,

OL

[aliveagain]

My suggestion to you is send her to her parents for a week or two, write out your conditions for reconciliation which should include counselling for herself so she can find out why she risked her marriage for a strippers/escort's co*k. She risked your health, she let him finish in her mouth, STD's. Make her get tested for all STD's regardless of how long ago it happened, they don't usually test for herpes unless you ask them to. The shame of testing is a future deterrent.

 

You should talk to a lawyer so you know your rights regardless of the outcome. No unprotected sex, you wouldn't be the first guy on here to find out his spouse is all of a sudden pregnant, stay for the right reason's. The time apart will give you both time to think about your futures together, decide your path after you have had time alone without her influence. What a stupid waste of a good marriage for such a poor reason to cheat.

[Chi townD]

Dude, your emotions are all over the place. Take a break and take a step back. Hell, go away for a couple of weeks. Just get out of that environment. Now, I'm not say for you to take her back. But, you don't want to make any emotionally charged snap judgments. So, this may end up in divorce. But, if it does, have a clear mind about it.

 

 

Take a breather

[Buckeye2]

She had sex with a prostitute that had many sexual partners. People get STD tests then say how relieved they are when they come back negative. Well some tests are for the antibody your body makes in reaction to the STD. That can take six months. So you need a negative test six months after exposure to know you're clean.

 

 

You can have the human papilloma virus (HPV) and never know until you get throat or cervical cancer many years later.

 

 

She said she felt she needed to get it out of her system because I'm the only guy she's ever been with and that it was just a way of living the "stud" fantasy once.

 

 

Not only that, but she did things with him that she NEVER does with me. Like letting him finish in her mouth during oral.

 

I hope it was worth it to expose both of you.

 

Michael Douglas has revealed that his stage 4 throat cancer was the result of an HPV infection that he got from oral sex. The 68-year-old actor was asked whether he regretted smoking and drinking, both of which are linked to throat cancer. He answered, “No. Because, without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV, which actually comes about from cunnilingus.”

 

About 14,000 throat cancers are diagnosed every year in the US, and about 70percent of those are related to HPV, the virus most known for causing cervical cancer and anal cancer. The human papilloma virus (HPV) is adouble-stranded DNA virus that infects the epithelial cells of skin and mucosa.The moist epithelial surfaces (squamous cells) include all areas covered by skin and/or mucosa such as the mouth interior, throat, tongue, tonsils, vagina, cervix, vulva, penis (the urethra - the opening), and anus. Transmission of thevirus occurs when these areas come into contact with a virus, allowing it totransfer between epithelial cells.

 

It is established now that sexual contacts, both conventional and oral, are means of transferring the HPV virus through direct skin to skin contact. The leading cause of oropharyngeal cancer is from HPV, a very small number of oral cavity cancers also occur from HPV. The HPV family contains almost 200 strains, and it is one of the most common viruses in the United States.

 

It is important to understand that of all these, only nine are associated with cancers. Of the nine that are high risk, only one is strongly associated with oropharyngeal cancer, HPV16. A handful or more are associated with benign growths (warts) and the vast majority we have no evidence, other than they exist, that they harm us in any way.

Edited January 25, 2016 by Buckeye2

[Buckeye2]

Her words are convincing but in that diary, where every thing they did was described so minutely there was NO sense of regret.

 

Her ONLY regret is that she was caught. Before she was caught she was very happy with her decision and would have done it all over again. No guilt whatsoever. It was a guilty pleasure she could relive from time to time.[she would have taken it to her grave. I can see her now at 80 in her rocking chair with a smile on her face.

[TX-SC]

Lots of good information and advice being posted. I would agree that you should give it some time and perhaps distance for a bit before making a decision. Your emotions will vary wildly over the next few weeks/months. Giving in to ANY of them at this time is a mistake. Use your head and not your heart for a while.

 

Did she at any time compare him to you or talk about how he was bigger, better, etc.? That could be hard to get over. Most likely, she just pushed you out of her mind completely as it would ruin the mood.

[Buckeye2]

Double post. Sorry

Edited January 25, 2016 by Buckeye2

[Marc878]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

You are in for a rocky road. She needs to read this attachment.

 

Good luck whatever you choose

[Marc878]

What?! Throw away five years of good marriage over one idiotic hour-long mistake? I've been married nearly six times longer than you and I say get real, son.

 

 

Short answer - You need to forgive her. There's not one single person on this earth who won't hurt you sooner or later. I promise you that one day it will be you needing the forgiveness from her in one way or another that's just as bad if not worse.

 

 

Make an appointment for marriage counseling right now.

 

 

Best wishes to you. Sorry you got blindsided.

 

This wasn't a mistake. A mistake is something you didn't mean to do.

 

This was planned and knowingly, willingly carried out. Huge difference.

 

Rugsweeping now will carry long term problems. Needs to be carefully thought out. Whichever way he chooses.

[Satu]

Hysterical bonding resulting in wild sex? We shall see about that! I would rather slip my old man through a butchers letter box!

 

I've thought a lot this afternoon and am going to tell her it's over.

Marital vows obviously mean nothing to her. She stood before me and promised "Love, Fidelity and Marital Honesty" - and within ONE YEAR she trashed all three promises!!!

 

Was she considering me when she was getting dirty with this guy? Smiling at him as they did it? Looking at him lustfully and going wild with desire while I was probably in the kitchen drying dishes!

That's not Love and it's not respect!

Fu*k her

 

When people do things like this to someone they claim to love, it begs the question, "Do they even know what love is?"

 

He is a snip from my journal:

 

 

"First do no harm."

 

Those are the words of a surgeon.

 

To profess love, whilst causing harm, demonstrates that the person speaking has no idea of what love is.

 

One of many valid definitions of love is:

 

"A persons total commitment to the wellbeing of another."

 

Thats the bottom line benchmark in relationships for me.

 

"Do no harm."

 

 

She chose to do something which she knew would hurt you, devastate you, and break your heart, if you found out.

 

She has harmed you, and you will carry the scar of this whether you choose to continue in the relationship or not.

 

According to my reasoning, she doesn't know what love is.

 

 

Take care.

[TX-SC]

What?! Throw away five years of good marriage over one idiotic hour-long mistake? I've been married nearly six times longer than you and I say get real, son.

 

 

Short answer - You need to forgive her. There's not one single person on this earth who won't hurt you sooner or later. I promise you that one day it will be you needing the forgiveness from her in one way or another that's just as bad if not worse.

 

 

Make an appointment for marriage counseling right now.

 

 

Best wishes to you. Sorry you got blindsided.

 

Pessimistic much? I trust my wife not to hurt me. And I won't hurt her. I don't get the notion that everyone will hurt you eventually. I'll also go out on a limb and say that the length of YOUR marriage has no bearing on your ability to understand HIS marriage. I've been married a while myself, but I understand that every relationship and every marriage is a world unto itself.

[Buckeye2]

She said she felt she needed to get it out of her system because I'm the only guy she's ever been with and that it was just a way of living the "stud" fantasy once.

 

 

It's like saying you want to visit Europe once in your life. First you don't get to Europe by "mistake." Second, why would you want to visit once? Answer: So you can remember your great visit for the rest of your life.