End of the affair and moving on

[Grey Cloud]

I am new here and hoping to reach out and get some support/advice from others going through the same thing.

 

So this is my story: I am a MW with two kids and have been involved with a co-worker who is also married with two kids. It started off as an EA about a year ago which turned into a PA. We managed to hold off on having sex until December 2015 and have had sex twice (after a lot of talking and fantasising about it). During the past year we have tried to stop several times and we would each pull back but before long we were back where we started as I work in close proximity to him four days a week.

 

We both have just been on leave from work and didn't see each other for 5 weeks though we were still briefly in contact via email about every 5 days. Today was the first day back at work and even though I told him we had to stop and he agreed, before long we were emailing each other and flirting/laughing etc. I knew he was job hunting as his contract is coming to an end at work. At lunchtime he received the call to say he got the job from an interview he went to last week.

 

Even though I knew this was coming I feel devastated. And yet I know it's for the best because it will force NC. We have never seen each other outside of office hours.

 

The weird thing is I wouldn't say he is my soul mate or that I'm madly in love with him! We said right from the beginning that we were not going to leave our spouses. I didn't even think of him in a romantic way until he told me he was attracted to me. I am more addicted to the way he makes me feel. And it was so incredibly hard not seeing him for 5 weeks and I thought about him 24/7 and I am scared of not having him in my life anymore!

 

But at the same time I want to let go and move on and focus on my marriage. I have terrible guilt that this has happened and my H doesn't know about it.

My AP wife is suspicious - she has asked him over the past few months who he texts all the time, why is he secretive with his phone, is he having an affair and has asked about me and said her "radar goes off" every time my name is mentioned.So him finding a new job will also be the best thing for his marriage as well.

 

He leaves work in 4 weeks so I still have to see him during this time and our jobs have a lot of interaction. He has already proposed "one last time" before he goes. I have said I am not sure it's a good idea but I am so tempted. But I think it will just make me feel worse.

 

I am already dreading the day I have to say goodbye to him. How do I stop feeling so sad about everything and let go/move on?

[Amillionpieces]

I wish I could help you with some wise advice. I'm 4 days post breakup and I'm just sort of floating through my days. I had a complete breakdown the day it happened (epic breakdown, it's in my thread) and in a way that might have helped because I didn't try and keep all my feelings inside and make supper and act normal. I literally couldn't do that.

 

Now I alternate between missing mm and guilt towards husband and shame for the person I've become and sadness and a bunch of other feelings I'm sure. It's good you didn't love him, though ultimately maybe that doesn't matter.

 

It's great he'll be leaving for a new job. I work with mm as well and we are both looking for another job. I hope mine finds a job first because I like my job and don't want to leave, but we cannot work together anymore, it's just not an option if I want to save my life as I know it.

 

Is your marriage good? Can you see yourself working on fixing that?

[Grey Cloud]

Amillionpieces - thanks so much for your reply! It does make it so much harder when you work together doesn't it? I will go back and read your thread. In a way I am happy he has found another job because there will be an end date in sight. I don't think we ever would have moved on otherwise.

 

I wasn't happy in my marriage for a few years before the A so I am not surprised it ended up happening even though I wasn't looking for it. But my H is a good person and loves me and I am sure we can make our marriage better. I wouldn't say our marriage was ever bad but we just got caught up with two small children, work, building a house, financial pressures and didn't spend a lot of quality time with each other. I think I got caught up in the whole A because of the excitement, something new and feeling alive again. But for the last few months I have been feeling miserable with guilt and trying to break free of the emotional attachment I have with my AP which I know isn't healthy. But maybe the lesson learnt is that this is the jolt I needed to work on my marriage.

 

I'm just totally dreading NC and what is ahead of me.

[Grey Cloud]

Amillionpieces - I just read your thread. You have been through so much the last few days! And yet you still took the time to comment on my post which I really appreciate. I hope you are starting to feel a bit better!

[lemondrop21]

I'm so glad to hear you're not in love with him, and I'd agree with your suggestion to let NC be the jolt you need to re-examine your marriage. You could continue the affair from a distance by email (you did say it's primarily emotional, after all) but then you risk actually falling in love, so please think about it and give yourself some time to detach once he's physically gone. You don't want to fall in love with him (or rather, fall in love with a fantasy), it will make everything that much worse.

 

I know it's hard when emotional support leaves, especially at work. This may be an opportunity to get to know some other women at work. Or to network more. Get coffee once a week with someone you don't normally talk to socially. This is what I'm trying to do in order to fill the void.

[Midwestmissy]

I have the following copied and pasted in my notes. I didn't write it, nor have a cheated, I'm the bs. But it made/makes sense to me - maybe it will for you as well. I wish my wh had put the effort into our marriage - texting all day, constant acknowledgement, etc - that he did into the 6mo affair. Here's what I bookmarked:

 

“Love” within the context of infidelity is an encounter between a person – the object of desire – and an experience – the passion of eros. It can leave one intoxicated with emotion that drives both decisions and behaviors in often inalterable ways. The result of this fusion is one of the most destructive mistakes a human can make. The fundamental error we make is that we confuse a romantic/friendship/erotic experience with a person who just happens to be a part of the encounter. You believe you MUST have that person in order to have that experience. Again, we are confusing how we feel about the person with exactly how they are making us feel about ourselves in the experience.

 

Then, drama of mythological proportion ensues. You collapse two worlds onto one another, failing to distinguish them as two distinct events that just happened in close proximity to one another. You confuse a person for an experience and attempt valiantly to translate that experience into something real. It isn’t real.

 

You confuse an emotional experience, i.e. the affair, with the person who you are having the affair with and believe you “need” that person to keep and preserve that experience. Willing to risk almost anything to legitimize the affair, you call it “love.” Understanding this distinction can be one of the most important steps to ending an affair and recovering from infidelity.

 

Love, here, is a personally constructed narrative – a story – which we vehemently adhere to because we need it to be true.

 

After all, so much depends upon our belief that the affair is “real”. The possibility of “true love”, the confirmation that “soul mates” exist, the justification for destroying families, leaving spouses, children, jobs and friends – all MUST be justified with legitimacy and purpose. Otherwise, those of us in affairs are nothing but hedonistic idiots. So we have a huge capacity to convince ourselves that it was real. If we didn’t, how could we live with ourselves? It’s often only after the affair is over that we fully realize the truth of what we did and why we did it.

 

The stage is set for grandiosity and narcissistic self-indulgence. On this platform, all manner of illogical and nonsensical choices are made. We are in pursuit of a valid human need – deep intimacy and belonging. Yet, we are moving toward our fated demise. Authentic love, based on friendship, history and seasoned emotionality, can never result from affair love, which is grounded in escape, deception and illicit illusions. Anything based upon deception is destined to fail. Period. Without integrity, life simply doesn’t work.

 

The different types of affairs and marital recoveryEven if you remove moral judgment out of the equation — although few would say that it was not an immoral choice — we still have to make a simple distinction about what is so commonly misunderstood in the delusion and stupor of the affair. The experience can never deliver on the illusions we seduce ourselves into believing.

 

Affair love is rooted in the attempt to legitimize an illusion. In fact, that’s the source of its power since so much is at stake.

 

A real relationship cannot compete with an affair. The novelty, forbidden, and surrealistic nature of an affair relationship beats a real relationship any day with its sobering demands. Within its pursuit lies everything it means to be human.

 

Real relationships compete unsuccessfully for the illusion affair relationships deliver – the anticipation that one’s deep longings for contact, wholeness, completeness and soulfulness are met. The affair promises to transcend and annihilate the mundane status quo of so many of our marital arrangements. Nothing could be further from the truth. First, however, you must distinguish between the fantasy of an affair versus the potential intimacy in a committed relationship.

 

Here’s the straight truth: an affair is a bastardization of every one of those needs. It exploits the normal and natural right to human intimacy by selling a cheap version of temporary escape. It is a shallow relief that barely scratches the surface of authentic love, a commitment to a life partner who knows and loves you despite disappointments. Real relationships have a way of rubbing our noses in the slime of life. It is within the alchemy of that authenticity that true love can be encountered.

 

Affair love is an illusion, based on a lie, fueled by fantasy, protected by self-justification, insecurity and ego. It NEVER delivers on any expectations. Is it any wonder why real relationships, based on an affair, fail at a rate twice that of divorce?

 

Authentic love embraces contradiction that affair love cannot. The “contradiction” I speak of here is you. You are a contradiction. As a human being in a relationship, you are going to be inconsistent, hypocritical, have bad days and good, be at your best and often at your worst, and have phases of life where there may be little lovable about you. Authentic love, of which I was surprised by, is a quality and intensity of love sustainable and real because it is NOT contingent upon the emotions or circumstances to be just right.

 

Contrast that with Affair love, where you are on a perpetual honeymoon and the emotional tone is always courtship behavior. You are insulated from reality because an affair never touches the light of day since it requires deception to sustain it. You always look good, sound good, smell good and think you’re good – just like reality… right? It’s a house of cards waiting to implode.

 

The result is a perfect storm of illusion and flight. The primary relationship doesn’t have a chance to survive because it cannot compete with a fantasy untested by the sobriety of reality. Your affair relationship thrives on the fantasy-based love of exhilaration and novelty.

 

Soul mates are created, NOT found. True love exists but not for the faint of heart or narcissistically challenged. Success has requirements. So does real love. It requires you to know yourself intimately, all of you – how you’ve been wounded by life and how to evolve as a person capable of loving another. It requires you to be transparent, authentically asking for what you want and being willing to enthusiastically give back. It requires you to grow up. Groveling when things go wrong is out. Keeping your integrity and standing firm on your commitment is in. It requires you to stand for what you know is possible, despite terrible circumstances, and demonstrate the courage of a warrior, even when you don’t feel like it, even when you’ve lost that loving feeling, even when you aren’t getting your needs met on a regular basis.

Edited January 25, 2016 by Midwestmissy
*i know you said it wasn't love or soul mates, but I still thought you may find it pertinent.

[Amillionpieces]

I do have advice. Make sure your end date is your end date and stick to it. Because of some shifting around at work we also had an end date in October. After that all of our availability at work would change so we thought it would be a perfect time to end it. Clearly October came and went and we did not end it instead it ended up getting harder and harder and with that came more and more anxiety and stress… I wish we had ended it in October when it would've been 'easy'.

[Grey Cloud]

Midwestmissy - wow, that is powerful reading. I am going to keep re- reading that over the next few days/weeks. This resonates with me because I realise I am not in love with HIM but more in love with how the A made me feel (in the beginning anyway). And I keep going back to experience that high which is only brief and fleeting before I feel conflicted again. Thank you for sharing.

 

Lemondrop - I am determined not to keep the A alive by emailing once he has left work. I really do want to move on plus email is difficult due to his wife being suspicious and he gets paranoid so really our best conversations are face to face. I find myself lately getting frustrated with him on email (with the 5 week break we just had) and I really don't want to continue feeling annoyed because he can't really 'talk'.

 

I think I know what I need to do. I just worry that I won't be strong enough.

[Grey Cloud]

So I have an end date set and NC will come into play. I also want to work on my marriage.

 

Knowing this would you go back for one 'final time' that my AP is proposing? One final last lunch date that will most likely lead into something physical at the end of it?

 

Or would you just cut your losses and move on now?

 

A lot of people on previous threads say they would have preferred closure. Is closure having some bittersweet ending? Or is closure just saying this will make everything worse, no there won't be a final time?

[Cymbeline]

I think closure in the form of one last meeting is a romantic rationalisation to allow you to have a last sexual encounter.

 

I don't think it gives closure. I think it keeps hope open as the encounter will necessarily be full of heightened romance and tension.

 

If you want to do it though I don't think you will be dissuaded.

[minimariah]

Knowing this would you go back for one 'final time' that my AP is proposing? One final last lunch date that will most likely lead into something physical at the end of it?

 

i'd personally cut it off & move on -- i look at "one last time" ideas as DELAY - which is the deadliest form of denial. i believe your intentions are honest in wanting some kind of official closure - but things like that almost always backfire. NC is something you must force, it's not something you want or something that comes naturally... so, of course, it is a struggle and it's hard at the beginning. but it does get easier with time.

 

you have to find strong motivation and inspiration that will keep you in NC. occupy yourself with many other things and try to bring back that feeling you had with your AP - but this time with your husband. is that possible? try to shift your focus on him, communicate with him, tell him you need attention and love... and see how it goes. good luck.

[waterwoman]

You get closure by closing the door not by opening it for one last look...

[Grey Cloud]

You are all right. Deep down I know it's a bad idea. I just need to get through the next month of seeing him at work and stay strong. I think if I can get through not having that one final time it will make me stronger in general for the beginning of NC.

[Popsicle]

Once he leaves the job, pretend like he died.

[Southern Sun]

Once he leaves the job, pretend like he died.

 

Maybe best advice ever. Seriously.

[Poppy47]

So I have an end date set and NC will come into play. I also want to work on my marriage.

 

Knowing this would you go back for one 'final time' that my AP is proposing? One final last lunch date that will most likely lead into something physical at the end of it?

 

Or would you just cut your losses and move on now?

 

A lot of people on previous threads say they would have preferred closure. Is closure having some bittersweet ending? Or is closure just saying this will make everything worse, no there won't be a final time?

 

Please don't do the one last time thing. It will set you right back where you were before and you will lose the resolve you have now.

 

Poppy.

[Southern Sun]

So I have an end date set and NC will come into play. I also want to work on my marriage.

 

Knowing this would you go back for one 'final time' that my AP is proposing? One final last lunch date that will most likely lead into something physical at the end of it?

 

Or would you just cut your losses and move on now?

 

A lot of people on previous threads say they would have preferred closure. Is closure having some bittersweet ending? Or is closure just saying this will make everything worse, no there won't be a final time?

 

Doing that can make things seem harder, more "romantic", even though that's a wrong notion. I wouldn't. You will also create another memory, which may not be something you would like to have in your brain. Finally, you already have guilt. When you are trying to repair your marriage in your mind and heart, this one will really tear you up. You will have gone into this "last day" with full knowledge of the wrong you're doing, yet you did it anyway. It's the worst guilt. Rip the band-aid off.

[Grey Cloud]

Southern Sun - that is so true about the guilt thing. It would tear me up because my AP would disappear from my life and I'm left to work on my marriage knowing I did that. I also think men can more easily separate the physical from the emotional whereas for me the physical and emotional are intertwined. So if I was with him again before he left work I think he would get his physical fix and move on whereas I would become even more attached and miserable.

[make-this-stick]

Do not go for the one last goodbye. It will live in your memory and cut you up every time you think about it, and I'm speaking from experience. Instead, distance yourself physically as much as you can now, and bring down those emotional shutters. NC is a long haul, be kind to yourself...prepare for the journey.

[13Hearts]

I was previously registered on this site but haven't been here in a long time and couldn't remember my old username so had to re-register. Anyway...

 

If you want to do the healthiest thing for yourself and everyone else in both your lives, and re-establish your relationship with your husband, you need to re-focus yourself. Get your attention, and your intentions, back on your husband and family.

 

The first way I recommend doing that is by breaking the emotional bond you have with your AP. The fastest and easiest way to do that is to stop having sex with him. Period. Second, stop telling yourself you "need" him, stop telling yourself you "can't" or are unable or are scared or whatever you are telling yourself to keep yourself involved with this "man."

 

He will try to re-engage you and unless you have developed your own resolve, you're just going to go along with it again. What you're doing is just wrong and you know it. And the longer you do what you know and believe in your heart is wrong, the more you affect the way you feel about yourself. You are acting contrary to your values and whenever you do that, you degrade your own self-image and self-esteem. That's just not healthy.

 

I know you're having fun and it all makes your heart race, but think of those you are going to hurt if you don't get this under control. You call the shots here. Do you really need his "Last Day" to force you to stop seeing him? Can you not find the strength to do this because it is the right thing to do for you, your husband, and your children? Because what if after his "Last Day," he keeps popping up? What then? Because they ALWAYS come back.

 

Next time, you might want to find a healthier extra-curricular activity. Join a club or take up skiing with your husband or something.

[lemondrop21]

You are all right. Deep down I know it's a bad idea. I just need to get through the next month of seeing him at work and stay strong. I think if I can get through not having that one final time it will make me stronger in general for the beginning of NC.

 

Best of luck with staying strong, I am cheering you on. Honestly I wouldn't be able to resist "one last time" if one of us was leaving right now, but in my situation, if one of us left, it would be leaving the country and there would be a 99.9% chance I'd never see him again. How far away is your MM going?

 

Sometimes I have to trick myself with things like this. For example, "just because I don't talk to him today, doesn't mean I'll never talk to him again," even though eventually that would be the goal. One day at a time can be easier to handle. In your situation, just because you don't have that "one last time" doesn't actually mean definitively that you will never see him, or sleep with him, again. This lessens the "drama" of it all. It also underscores the fact that it's all gonna come down to willpower at the end of the day... When he is physically gone, it will be up to you to truly end the affair.

 

I think you can do it. You sound strong, determined, and clear about what this affair is and isn't. I'm optimistic for you .

[Grey Cloud]

Lemondrop - there is a 99.9% chance I will not see him again once he leaves his job. We never saw each other outside of work hours or work functions. Removing work from our equation will remove the proximity. It will just need to be emailing etc that has to stop but we always used work email for that so again another form of communication is removed.

 

[] I do appreciate all of your valid comments. I take full responsibility for the mess I have created and I'm not proud of it. I will work on my marriage or get a divorce. I'm determined to do the right thing moving forwards.

Edited January 26, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
clean up from deleted posts ~6

[sammy7111]

The best thing is to be honest with your spouse. You don't love him so stop using him and let him go. Does he know your not happy.

[Grey Cloud]

So my AP has 3 weeks left off work. Today we had the talk about NC etc. I said once he leaves on his last day I will never see him or talk to him again. He said "wow, that's cold, that makes me feel sad" and I said it was the only way. What is the point of contacting and remaining in touch and trying to be 'friends'. He said yeah, I guess you are right.

 

I used Southern Sun's advice and told him "time to rip off the band aid" and he said "don't rip off the bandaid before I go".

 

Then he brought up the final 'farewell' again. I said no, it's not a good idea. It's the wrong thing by both our spouses. It will also make it harder to stick to NC. His response was "it's going to be hard which ever way you look at, I opt for the 'fun' hard option".

 

Ugh, seriously! He gets his bit of fun, is able to compartmentalise it and moves on and that's it. No thanks!!

Edited January 28, 2016 by Grey Cloud
A bit more information