DB_09 Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 I was proud of myself. I woke up everyday thinking less and less of my ex-MM. I no longer felt doomed not being with him. I didn't feel "his" anymore. I felt anger, resentment and manipulated. I was growing. I continued this growing process in therapy, I had begun a "relationship" with someone from my past before my A. I was falling in love with not only this person, but for the growth he fosters in me. He knew about the MM and we have been working through my growth together. It's a different kind of "love" - this one feels real, the bad times and the good times aren't these extremes of emotions - they simply are. There's a feeling of serenity and sincerity. But lately, when I'm about to take that next step, ex-MM contacts me. Speaks of a life together with me, his unhappiness, his need for me, his inability to love anyone how he loved me. It plays with my head. It angers me. The minute I find happiness and a good place he comes and still has the power to make me doubt it for a second. I hate thinking "what if he means it!" "What if we are supposed to be together?" Has anyone else been haunted by an ex-MM after moving on? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 Just respond; "What if you leave your wife?". You have to go NC. Hard core. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
OWAmy Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 I think most xMM continue to haunt because there situations after the affair remain largely unchanged so they themselves are haunted by the what ifs... Some MM not all of course. I have only just started to move on properly from mine and that is because the last time we met I was absolute in my desire to ensure that there was no ambiguity. I told him that I did not want him in my life now or in the future and to not contact me ever again. It was so final but for me it had to be that way. Actions have consequences - not leaving or leaving and still being selfish etc had this consequence on my xMM - now I do not want him in my life in any capacity. Until you make yourself heard and are 100% serious on getting him out of your life he will keep coming back and messing up your life. No middle ground, no conditions. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
RySant Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 Dear DB_09, Stop the Disney crap. Please. You have someone, something real and better and healthy. Why would you choose someone who isn't free, who keeps pulling you to do something wrong? Don't waste the opportunity you have right now to be truly happy. Someone is already there whom you can call yours already. Stay NC, for YOUR sake. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
insidemymind02 Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 I am in almost the exact same situation, each time I get to my healthy place he finds some way to show up and I take a step backwards. I am just hoping that this weekend I was able to get my point across, again but with a lot more force, that I do not want him to be a part of my life. You have something good going, don't mess it up with someone else's negativity 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 DB_09 why is it that your xMM can still contact you? Is your number for work purposes? I would really try to find a way to block this MM entirely. It will stop the intrusions and allow you to move forward. Every time he contacts you and you read the correspondence it will trigger the A for you. Stop that! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
insidemymind02 Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 DB_09 why is it that your xMM can still contact you? Is your number for work purposes? I would really try to find a way to block this MM entirely. It will stop the intrusions and allow you to move forward. Every time he contacts you and you read the correspondence it will trigger the A for you. Stop that! I am going to make a comment on this one because I have been asked the same thing. I am amazed at all of the different ways that my xMM has come up with to contact me through. He went through every social media avenue, which he is blocked from, created new accounts in some situations. He created new emails to contact me and when I changed jobs he contacted me through my new work information. I didn't really want to go to my new job and say hey, can you block this person who is my xMM that I had an affair with and he won't leave me alone. I have gotten really good at hitting delete. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 I am going to make a comment on this one because I have been asked the same thing. I am amazed at all of the different ways that my xMM has come up with to contact me through. He went through every social media avenue, which he is blocked from, created new accounts in some situations. He created new emails to contact me and when I changed jobs he contacted me through my new work information. I didn't really want to go to my new job and say hey, can you block this person who is my xMM that I had an affair with and he won't leave me alone. I have gotten really good at hitting delete. Can you just let his Spouse know? Usually that does the trick 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 A few thoughts I wrote in my journal: "Learn to enjoy the ordinary. Ordinary is good. The intensity of affairs can be exciting, but they are something that happens on the periphery of the real. A big part of an affair is make believe, fantasy in motion; like living in a different dimension from everybody else. Welcome back to the real world, where people are usually exactly what they appear to be. Decompress." Take care. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 If he is contacting you through a work email or work cell phone, go to HR and firmly say, "I must change my cell and email for personal reasons." Assure them you are in no personal danger, but you can always say it is a previous boyfriend or estranged family member. If there is a work website that has a "click to contact" link for you, IT may be able to help. It might work to warn him you will contact his wife. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 Change your number. Block him on all social media. The A is over and I take it's been that way for a while? If this is the case and he's still reaching out after months of NC then playing a game with you, getting an ego feed, it's up to YOU to tell him to F OFF and never to contact you again. DO NOT let this exMM woo you back in hopes that you two have a future together. It's a lie and you need to think with your head now, not your heart. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 There are only two reasons a MM will contact you again after its ended: 1. He is hurting and looking for relief from that, or 2. He is completely oblivious/unknowing about how much he hurt you and is "passing by to test the waters". You would know more than us if he was oblivious. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 (edited) Easier for him to see if you'll bite at the bait--phone and text and emails don't take much effort--than it is to groom a new AP. Don't believe that these attempts to contact are anything more than his attempts to return to status quo ante. Speaking from personal experience it will be much easier to explain that relationship to your new BF someday if you can truthfully explain "I haven't seen him since before we got together". I accepted that explanation but would not have accepted a lie or hearing I haven't even talked with him in a month. MM isn't worth any time or effort. Edited January 26, 2016 by Bufo I can't type worth a damn on my iphone 3 Link to post Share on other sites
minnesotagirl Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 My AP came back so many times. It's like he had a sensor for whenever I was happy and making progress. He'd write me these "You probably don't want to hear from me, you probably hate me.." emotional baiting emails. Then follow with some love-bombing, letters declaring his unending love, soon it would escalate. I had him blocked on social media but he found a million ways to watch me online (he eventually gave me a list of the ways/places he had found to keep an eye on me, and it was startling - he was even reading my book reviews just to get a crumb of something). Here's the thing: I didn't block his number or email though. And I kind of wasn't horrified by his stalking, but rather I was almost glad he was obsessed with me still. I can admit that now. I even became co-obsessive; endlessly thinking about him and knowing the content I posted would be read by him - this even impacted what I'd post - and secretly I also liked knowing that he COULD email at any time. I'm not going to go into what my breaking point was in all of this, but eventually one day I realized how twisted this all still was. We were low contact at the time, and I was trying to move on with an amazing guy. But AP was ever-present in my head, screwing with my budding relationship. I finally just went total NC on AP without explanation, did a MASS delete of my internet presence, and blocked him from texting/calling. I just dropped off the earth. That was huge for me. And when I did it, I felt like 500 lbs were lifted off my chest. Sure it sucked to delete my social media, but in the end, I can make new ones someday. Meantime, I'm enjoying my new relationship, much lower anxiety/depression levels, and I don't feel this shadow looming in the background of my life anymore. And I did it for me - to have a happy and healthy life. Go NC. Just silently block him everywhere and move on. You'll be so happy you did in a couple months. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 If these are unwanted communications, you have to deal with them as such. Persistent unwanted communications are a form of stalking. If you don't want them, that is... If that is the case, institute 100% watertight NC: *No direct contact. *No sending or receiving of messages. *Block any means he might use to contact you. *No replies to anything that gets through your blocks. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete from all social media. *No monitoring of him on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying. Take care. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Liam1 Posted January 29, 2016 Share Posted January 29, 2016 But lately, when I'm about to take that next step, ex-MM contacts me. Speaks of a life together with me, his unhappiness, his need for me, his inability to love anyone how he loved me. If this man were so unhappy, he would have left his wife already. Perhaps the way he loved you was unrealistic because he only loves you in an affair fantasy life, not in real life. He has no clue what real life would be like with you and you don't know what real life would be like with him. Also, affairs are all about sex and fun and no day to day responsibility. Maybe he is missing that feeling and that is what he means by he can't love anyone else that way. Even a dating relationship has far more responsibility and day to day reality than an affair. An affair is an artificial relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DB_09 Posted February 3, 2016 Author Share Posted February 3, 2016 Thank you all so much for your insight and encouragement. I know it's a process with good and bad days. Your experiences and advice definitely help a whole lot Link to post Share on other sites
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