She wants to take a step back and slow it down

[idk0913]

As I mentioned in the other thread about this topic,

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/567012-mixed-signals-early-hot-cold,

 

the girl I've been seeing for about 2 weeks told me she wanted to take a step back and slow things down. It scared her how fast we moved, but she says she doesn't regret anything and that I haven't done anything wrong. She also says there's no doubt in her mind that she wants to continue seeing each other because she really enjoys spending time with me.

 

She says this is just the most she's opened up to someone/closest she got to someone since her only serious relationship ended around a year ago.

 

I can understand her request, because honestly I worried it was moving too fast as well.

 

I wasn't necessarily uncomfortable with it, but I know in the past relationships I have been in have moved too fast and of course, none of them worked out.

 

I've been single for less time than her after a long relationship as well, so I didn't want to mess anything up early on because I really do like her. If anything she was the one moving faster than I (and she admitted that), because I was overly conscious about taking it slow because I wanted to make sure she wasn't any form of a rebound or anything like that.

 

We have only known each other for barely 3 weeks and have been seeing each other regularly for 2. If we were 6 or even 3 months into the process, I would be a little worried/speculative about her real intentions, but I feel as though this request is fair and she's genuinely asking it so that we can have the best chance to succeed long term.

 

She's a very good girl and unless she's completely fooled me, I don't think this is because she wants to keep her options open or anything like that.

 

From an outsider's perspective, do you agree with me? Or am I viewing the situation through rose-colored glasses?

 

Also, what should be my mindset moving forward? I'm a very giving/generous/affectionate person, especially when I care about someone, but I don't want that to come off as too much for right now.

 

For example, I had planned on giving her flowers on our next date, but would that be too much?

 

Any insight or advice would be greatly appreciated!

[smackie9]

She is not scared, she isn't emotionally available. She likes the attention, possibly out of loneliness. She has been single for awhile now....I doubt she is into you.

 

If someone told me to "slow it down", I wouldn't waste my time because there are expectations that are not being fulfilled. I don't get how you can keep wanting to see someone you are so totally into when they are putting on the breaks. It would turn me off.

[idk0913]

She is not scared, she isn't emotionally available. She likes the attention, possibly out of loneliness. She has been single for awhile now....I doubt she is into you.

 

If someone told me to "slow it down", I wouldn't waste my time because there are expectations that are not being fulfilled. I don't get how you can keep wanting to see someone you are so totally into when they are putting on the breaks. It would turn me off.

 

Wow, I never even considered that she might be using me as you allude to, but I guess it's good and healthy to consider all possibilities. It certainly doesn't feel that way to me, but I realize I also could be looking at the situation through rose-colored glasses as I said before.

[truth_seeker]

Simple: slow it down. See where it goes. Maybe she'll come around, maybe she won't. I would focus on meeting other people. If she comes around and you're still into her, great. If not, you've already moved on.

[Saracena]

I've read your other post and what she told you last night in particular and I believe she is actually scared at the pace and intensity of your relationship. In fact I (a year older than her) could have written this when I first started dating my current boyfriend for exactly the same reasons following the first time things got more physical. I really, really like him and was immensely attracted to him but at the same time found things pretty overwhelming. I didn't want to mess things up. So I would take what she said at face value.

 

 

I would let her dictate the pace from now on and just chill in the meantime.

[idk0913]

I've read your other post and what she told you last night in particular and I believe she is actually scared at the pace and intensity of your relationship. In fact I (a year older than her) could have written this when I first started dating my current boyfriend for exactly the same reasons following the first time things got more physical. I really, really like him and was immensely attracted to him but at the same time found things pretty overwhelming. I didn't want to mess things up. So I would take what she said at face value.

 

 

I would let her dictate the pace from now on and just chill in the meantime.

 

So, if I read that right, you were feeling how this girl is feeling in the very early stages of your relationship?

 

If that's the case, can you give me a little insight in terms of what letting her dictate the pace really means? She has been texting me again and we both expressed our relief last night that we put that on the table. It almost feels like it gives me even more hope, in a weird way, for a great relationship to come out of this.

 

Would it be too much if I were to give her flowers on our next date like I was originally planning? Would it be a bad idea if I were the one to initiate planning a date/hanging out?

 

I'm sure I'm probably thinking too much and I'll know what's right when we are conversing/together, but any other advice would be appreciated.

[Robratory]

I'd say no to the flowers. They're expensive. But seriously, it's just safer not to. She might like them, or she might think, "This is exactly what I was talking about!"

 

Letting her set the pace at which the relationship evolves emotionally means just taking her out and having sex like you were FWB. Be nice and be horny, but don't get all lovey-dovey and don't talk about feelings and emotions. Let her be the one to initiate getting into that.

 

Don't fall in love with her until you're over this situation.

[Oregon_Dude]

She wants to slow things down? Great. Stop texting her or contacting her in any way. What will happen is that she will also stop contacting you.

 

She's not into you. Throw this one back. Be glad for the fun you had. It's over.

[Oregon_Dude]

She is not scared, she isn't emotionally available. She likes the attention, possibly out of loneliness. She has been single for awhile now....I doubt she is into you.

 

If someone told me to "slow it down", I wouldn't waste my time because there are expectations that are not being fulfilled. I don't get how you can keep wanting to see someone you are so totally into when they are putting on the breaks. It would turn me off.

This, completely. Great post and true.

[idk0913]

She wants to slow things down? Great. Stop texting her or contacting her in any way. What will happen is that she will also stop contacting you.

 

She's not into you. Throw this one back. Be glad for the fun you had. It's over.

 

I have not initiated contact with her since our conversation last night. She texted me good morning today and at several other points throughout the day.

[Redhead14]

As I mentioned in the other thread about this topic,

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/567012-mixed-signals-early-hot-cold,

 

the girl I've been seeing for about 2 weeks told me she wanted to take a step back and slow things down. It scared her how fast we moved, but she says she doesn't regret anything and that I haven't done anything wrong. She also says there's no doubt in her mind that she wants to continue seeing each other because she really enjoys spending time with me.

 

She says this is just the most she's opened up to someone/closest she got to someone since her only serious relationship ended around a year ago.

 

I can understand her request, because honestly I worried it was moving too fast as well.

 

I wasn't necessarily uncomfortable with it, but I know in the past relationships I have been in have moved too fast and of course, none of them worked out.

 

I've been single for less time than her after a long relationship as well, so I didn't want to mess anything up early on because I really do like her. If anything she was the one moving faster than I (and she admitted that), because I was overly conscious about taking it slow because I wanted to make sure she wasn't any form of a rebound or anything like that.

 

We have only known each other for barely 3 weeks and have been seeing each other regularly for 2. If we were 6 or even 3 months into the process, I would be a little worried/speculative about her real intentions, but I feel as though this request is fair and she's genuinely asking it so that we can have the best chance to succeed long term.

 

She's a very good girl and unless she's completely fooled me, I don't think this is because she wants to keep her options open or anything like that.

 

From an outsider's perspective, do you agree with me? Or am I viewing the situation through rose-colored glasses?

 

Also, what should be my mindset moving forward? I'm a very giving/generous/affectionate person, especially when I care about someone, but I don't want that to come off as too much for right now.

 

For example, I had planned on giving her flowers on our next date, but would that be too much?

 

Any insight or advice would be greatly appreciated!

 

You both thought it was moving fast -- giving her flowers may indicate that you are not embracing the concept of slowing things down.

[Oregon_Dude]

As smackie said... she likes the male attention, but is not into you, specifically. Or at least not very much.

 

You are her 'good enough for now' guy... until her David Beckham type sweeps her off her feet.

[lolablue17]

You can talk to her, saying that you are a very natural honest guy. You want to be able to say what's on your mind, and to act according to your guts and heart.

 

Tell her that you feel uncomfortable to scale yourself to a technical and artificial certain required behavior. You want to be able to bring her flowers spontaneously, to kiss her, to hold hands and every other crazy stuff. You like her and if she likes you too, why whould she put a synthetic barrier between you two?

 

If she doesn't like you, or isn't sure she likes you, wish her good luck and tell her that you're going to continue searching for a girl you can be natural with, it's so disappointing that it's not with her.

 

Then, walk away.

Edited January 25, 2016 by lolablue17

[introverted1]

Do you only have 6 months to live or something? If not, and if you like this girl, then just dial it down a bit. Spend time doing things together, having experiences, etc. Hold back on the heavy conversations. Her intentions/sincerity will be revealed within a few weeks I bet. Why not just let it play out?

[Saracena]

So, if I read that right, you were feeling how this girl is feeling in the very early stages of your relationship?

 

If that's the case, can you give me a little insight in terms of what letting her dictate the pace really means? She has been texting me again and we both expressed our relief last night that we put that on the table. It almost feels like it gives me even more hope, in a weird way, for a great relationship to come out of this.

 

Would it be too much if I were to give her flowers on our next date like I was originally planning? Would it be a bad idea if I were the one to initiate planning a date/hanging out?

 

I'm sure I'm probably thinking too much and I'll know what's right when we are conversing/together, but any other advice would be appreciated.

 

 

Yes. that' how I felt once things escalated in the physical sense, which wasn't like my usual style at all. I'm sure part of it as well stemmed from not knowing where I stood with him but having the reassurance he was serious helped. In my case (not much help to you here) I had to go away for a whole weekend for an out of town wedding so this created some distance and gave me some of the space I needed. Otherwise, like your girlfriend, I'd have just planned something with my friends instead. He wanted to meet up every weekend plus mid-week up until then!

 

So I would say no flowers and more spacing out of dates, provided she's happy with that, of course. Keep it cool and chill out on the dates. Concentrate on getting to know her and having fun!

[nadzz]

I am feeling this way now. I feel exactly how you described her feelings. I am so into the guy I'm dating but it's overwhelming, however, I do want to continue seeing him. Take what she says for what it is, slow things down and give her the time she needs and please make sure you communicate.

[idk0913]

I am feeling this way now. I feel exactly how you described her feelings. I am so into the guy I'm dating but it's overwhelming, however, I do want to continue seeing him. Take what she says for what it is, slow things down and give her the time she needs and please make sure you communicate.

 

So is asking to take her out on a date once per weekend too much? FWIW, when we hung out midweek it wasn't I who asked for that. She asked for me to come over.

 

She's coming out with my friends and I tomorrow night for my birthday, but I doubt we'll see each other again for the rest of the weekend. I wouldn't think asking her on a date for next weekend would be too much, but if it is, please let me know.

 

Thanks guys. You've all been a ton of help!

[BlueIris]

We have only known each other for barely 3 weeks and have been seeing each other regularly for 2. If we were 6 or even 3 months into the process, I would be a little worried/speculative about her real intentions, but I feel as though this request is fair and she's genuinely asking it so that we can have the best chance to succeed long term.

 

I agree. Slow way down IF you're looking for a long term relationship. It gives people a chance to relax and think. It's too easy to make mistakes when things are frenetic.

 

I think once or twice a week is good. The goal is to get to know each other and enjoy each other. Set aside any agendas or rush feelings.

[idk0913]

Update - I thought things were going well, but I'm starting to believe it isn't going to workout. I don't think I'm any kind of priority for her.

 

First off, she has flaked on doing something with me for my birthday several times now.

 

We had plans to have dinner this week. That got pushed off, then she invited me to happy hour with her friends tonight.

 

Last night, we were texting and she suddenly stopped. I didn't hear from her until this morning, when she said she was sorry and that something came up she had to deal with. She also alluded that because of whatever she had to deal with, she might be too tired to do happy hour tonight.

 

She never told me what it was that she had come up.

 

Needless to say, I could see what was coming next from a mile away. Sure enough, she texted me this afternoon that she has to take a rain check because she has to go to dinner with family tonight. She knows I'm going out of town tomorrow until mid-week and we haven't seen each other since a week ago today.

 

Part of me wants to believe her excuses are genuine, but at the same time, it just doesn't feel like there's any effort being put in on her part. I feel like she only wants to see me when it's really convenient for her.

 

Oh well.

[katiegrl]

She is not scared, she isn't emotionally available. She likes the attention, possibly out of loneliness. She has been single for awhile now....I doubt she is into you.

 

If someone told me to "slow it down", I wouldn't waste my time because there are expectations that are not being fulfilled. I don't get how you can keep wanting to see someone you are so totally into when they are putting on the breaks. It would turn me off.

 

I don't agree with this at all.

 

Women have been advised up the ying yang that men who come on super fast and super strong....fade out/disappear just as fast.

 

OP....since you admit you have a tendency to come on fast (and your RLs haven't worked out)....then I think she was SMART to tell you she wants to slow it down.

 

My recent ex (were together six years) came on super fast with me too when I first met him. It was a love at first sight thing, and we were crazy about each other.

 

But he came on so fast and strong (calling every day, twice a day, wanting to see me every night)... it really put me off despite my strong attraction. I am a very independent girl and don't like to rush into things as quickly as he was proposing.

 

So I told him we need to slow down and I explained why.

 

He understood completely (and thanked me for my honesty) and even admitted later in our RL, that I was smart to slow him down because, like you, he had a tendency to rush in fast.... and his RLs quickly burned out.

Edited February 5, 2016 by katiegrl

[katiegrl]

So is asking to take her out on a date once per weekend too much? FWIW, when we hung out midweek it wasn't I who asked for that. She asked for me to come over.

 

She's coming out with my friends and I tomorrow night for my birthday, but I doubt we'll see each other again for the rest of the weekend. I wouldn't think asking her on a date for next weekend would be too much, but if it is, please let me know.

 

Thanks guys. You've all been a ton of help!

 

Well if she's asking to slow down an already slow pace (which one date a week would suggest) ....then yeah something is amiss.

[idk0913]

Well if she's asking to slow down an already slow pace (which one date a week would suggest) ....then yeah something is amiss.

 

I just caught her in a lie. She's at happy hour with her friends when she told me she was going to take a nap. So yeah, I guess I need to listen to my gut feeling next time around.

[katiegrl]

I just caught her in a lie. She's at happy hour with her friends when she told me she was going to take a nap. So yeah, I guess I need to listen to my gut feeling next time around.

 

Dealbreaker. And yeah ALWAYS follow your gut.

 

Sorry it didn't work out.

Edited February 5, 2016 by katiegrl