Posthumous revelations that might lead to hurt feelings, and more

[WaitingForBardot]

My father died a few weeks ago after a long illness. Over the last year I've been going through his papers, putting his finances in order, and trying to close out all his end of life business. In this process I read through a lot of his writings, diaries, etc., and a significant number of entries were not particularly flattering of me or my sisters. It's important to note that this is entirely at odds with how he treated us while we were growing up.

 

While I don't particularly worry too much about things people say (write in this case) and rather focus on how they act/treat me, I'm worried that my sisters are not the same and reading this stuff could irreparably damage their thoughts of him, their relationship, and even worse, themselves. Adding to my concern is the fact that both suffer from depression, sometimes requiring treatment, and I'm worried this could trigger a serious bout.

 

My wife and I feel that we should just keep this to ourselves and are leaning in this direction. However, I have my doubts whether I have the right to make such a decision for my sisters.

 

Thoughts?

[jen1447]

Were you supposed to read his diary in the first place? Seems like that would carry implied privacy even after death. Scary thought if not lol.

 

Anyway if it's a private thing I don't think you have any obligation to share it w/your siblings. If it was some sort of end-of-life-message to everyone, then yeah.

[WaitingForBardot]

Were you supposed to read his diary in the first place? Seems like that would carry implied privacy even after death. Scary thought if not lol.

 

Anyway if it's a private thing I don't think you have any obligation to share it w/your siblings. If it was some sort of end-of-life-message to everyone, then yeah.

That's a really good question and I don't know the answer. He was aware I was going through and reading his papers and did not object, but he may not have liked it. I don't really know.

 

I think a lot of his need for personal privacy went away as he became totally dependent on others to care for him. How worried can you be about things the details of which you may not even remember writing when you need someone to help you with basic toileting?

[jen1447]

That's a really good question and I don't know the answer. He was aware I was going through and reading his papers and did not object, but he may not have liked it. I don't really know.

 

I think a lot of his need for personal privacy went away as he became totally dependent on others to care for him. How worried can you be about things the details of which you may not even remember writing when you need someone to help you with basic toileting?

 

IMO that would be irrelevant. If it was written under the expectation of privacy, your current situation wouldn't change that. (Suggests the notion that any sick person forfeits privacy ....not good.)

 

I'd also only take explicit permission to share as consent. Nothing tacit. Not trying to jump you w/this but it may give you the reasoning you seem to be looking for to keep it from your siblings.

[WaitingForBardot]

IMO that would be irrelevant. If it was written under the expectation of privacy, your current situation wouldn't change that. (Suggests the notion that any sick person forfeits privacy ....not good.)

 

I'd also only take explicit permission to share as consent. Nothing tacit. Not trying to jump you w/this but it may give you the reasoning you seem to be looking for to keep it from your siblings.

I do agree that one does/should not forfeit their privacy as a result of sickness. In my case, he did ask me to go through his papers so I feel as if I had explicit consent, but he certainly never told me to share anything with anyone else. The complicating factor is that, given how long he had to prepare, he didn't really provide me with any guidance as to his actual wishes about anything. I've really been winging it for the last few weeks...

 

Anyways, viewing this as a personal privacy issue makes it a pretty straightforward decision. I'm now left wondering why it didn't occur to me in the first place.

 

Thanks for the advice/comments jen, you were very helpful.

[jen1447]

You're welcome.

[Wewon]

I see zero benefit in revealing this information to your sisters.

 

Think of it as one of those times when you see people say hurtful things and immediately defend the action with nothing more than "I'm just being honest".

 

It was in a diary, think of it as your father venting.

[GunslingerRoland]

I wouldn't share it, what is to gain by doing it? I don't think as the executor you were wrong to read it... it is your job to go through his personal effects which includes his diary, but you shouldn't be sharing it.

[Tayla]

Share it. Its history. Can you ask your siblings and let them decide? Usually adults allow each other to make informed decisions.

My deceased parents history is of value , so my siblings respected some of the writings.

[Jersey born raised]

I tend to say no. Haven't you at times experienced yourself mentally harshly criticizing someome else but that thought is not compelety justified or later came to realize that life has bumps and those thoughts where just a bump ?

 

You stated his actions and spoken words never showed a hint of his written words. You also chose not to ask him when he was alive what he wanted you to do. At this point I suggest you look in the mirror and ask yourself what are your motives.

[Redhead14]

My father died a few weeks ago after a long illness. Over the last year I've been going through his papers, putting his finances in order, and trying to close out all his end of life business. In this process I read through a lot of his writings, diaries, etc., and a significant number of entries were not particularly flattering of me or my sisters. It's important to note that this is entirely at odds with how he treated us while we were growing up.

 

While I don't particularly worry too much about things people say (write in this case) and rather focus on how they act/treat me, I'm worried that my sisters are not the same and reading this stuff could irreparably damage their thoughts of him, their relationship, and even worse, themselves. Adding to my concern is the fact that both suffer from depression, sometimes requiring treatment, and I'm worried this could trigger a serious bout.

 

My wife and I feel that we should just keep this to ourselves and are leaning in this direction. However, I have my doubts whether I have the right to make such a decision for my sisters.

 

Thoughts?

this is entirely at odds with how he treated us while we were growing up. -- I find it odd that your sisters both suffer from depression, requiring treatment while you do not. Perhaps his treatment of them was somewhat different from how he treated you . . .

 

And, frankly, you would not be making a decision for them, you'd be making a decision for your father . . . those things were written in a private diary and clearly he didn't want to share it with any of you. Leave it be.

[Doublegold]

First I would like to extend my sympathies upon the loss of your Father.

 

Second I will say--why open the Pandora's Box of your Father's private musings.

 

If you were hit by a bus tomorrow would you like the contents of your computer laid bare to your family or children--let alone your nightstand drawer contents? I would not. Things are written or said in privacy with no thought of revelation at a future time.

 

Your Father took those thoughts with him to his grave, bury them with him.

 

Take care.

[WaitingForBardot]

Thanks for everyone's thoughts on this. I'm going to stick with the privacy POV and keep this to myself.

 

Sadly, even though I spent a lot of time with him over the last year, I really don't know what he wanted and not for want of trying. I couldn't even get answers from him about seemingly simple things like how he wanted his remains handled (not because of his illness, he remained lucid until the very end) and I asked many times. So I am left in the unenviable position of having to decide what someone else may have wanted and I'm not totally comfortable with that responsibility. But it has fallen on me and it is what it is.

 

Thanks again for your insights.

[truthtripper]

Were you supposed to read his diary in the first place?

If someone wants to keep their thoughts private, they simply don't write them down.

 

As Tayla mentioned, diaries are historical records, they have been written for a purpose, for the truth to be revealed.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

I totally disagree. I have several journals and diaries that I have written in for my own records. They are not meant for anyone else to read. Reading this thread makes me want to destroy them all.

 

 

If someone wants to keep their thoughts private, they simply don't write them down.

 

As Tayla mentioned, diaries are historical records, they have been written for a purpose, for the truth to be revealed.

[Methodical]

If someone wants to keep their thoughts private, they simply don't write them down.

 

As Tayla mentioned, diaries are historical records, they have been written for a purpose, for the truth to be revealed.

 

I respectfully disagree. Ppl deal with things using various coping mechanisms. Writing down private thoughts and feelings is one way to process personal issues or situations.

 

Notes written in diaries are intended to be private and should be kept that way. No good can come from cataloguing entries for public revelations, esp. potentially hurtful comments that may have damning repercussions.

 

In this case, definitely stick with non disclosure.

[jen1447]

I think TT may be confusing diaries with memoirs or sth like that.

[truthtripper]

I totally disagree. I have several journals and diaries that I have written in for my own records. They are not meant for anyone else to read. Reading this thread makes me want to destroy them all.

Well, you'd better destroy them, otherwise after you die people are going to read them, regardless of whether you forbid them or not. This is only common sense, so I suspect you subconsciously desire to express your hidden thoughts to others when it's completely safe to do do.

[truthtripper]

I certainly write my diaries with future readers in mind.

[Wewon]

Well, you'd better destroy them, otherwise after you die people are going to read them, regardless of whether you forbid them or not. This is only common sense, so I suspect you subconsciously desire to express your hidden thoughts to others when it's completely safe to do do.

 

Sure, someone will read them, usually the executor, who has to make the judgment of what to do.

 

Again, this a diary, not an engineering log or accounting records, they're private because the nature of the information. I think that most people would agree that writing in a diary is often times venting or clearing their thoughts not making a documentary.

[truthtripper]

I respectfully disagree. Ppl deal with things using various coping mechanisms. Writing down private thoughts and feelings is one way to process personal issues or situations.

 

Notes written in diaries are intended to be private and should be kept that way. No good can come from cataloguing entries for public revelations, esp. potentially hurtful comments that may have damning repercussions.

 

In this case, definitely stick with non disclosure.

Notes/diaries intended to be private should be disposed of quickly, not left hanging around. If I don't want anyone to read my potentially hurtful writings, I either burn them up or tear them up and thrown them out.

[truthtripper]

I think that most people would agree that writing in a diary is often times venting or clearing their thoughts not making a documentary.

When my great grandfather died his diaries were unearthed. His scathing descriptions of certain people are not only truthful but entertaining and riveting, especially for our generation.

[truthtripper]

I'm worried that my sisters are not the same and reading this stuff could irreparably damage their thoughts of him, their relationship, and even worse, themselves. Adding to my concern is the fact that both suffer from depression, sometimes requiring treatment, and I'm worried this could trigger a serious bout.

If your sisters read his diaries, they may gain some insight into the reasons for their depression. After all, we still pick up on people's true feelings subconsciously, even though they may present otherwise.

[Tayla]

I think the OP made a decision to protect and in the process is choosing willingly to conceal information. That in his mind is damning by his interpretation. Executors do not own the items, so its really not a matter of choice for him. Unless it was written in the will. Which I do not recall that being the case.

 

I stand by common courtesy in allowing the members of the family to decide openly. They are not minors or slow of mind.

 

The hardest thing for some folks to come to terms with is that their parents had those thoughts...very human ones. That they had those feelings...human ones. Yet some how to accept them as anything other then what we conjured up, ruins that image. And then we are left seeing that yes...they too...had hardships, trials and tribulations....and sometimes were more human then we wanted them to be. Good, Bad, Indifferent.

[truthtripper]

I think the OP made a decision to protect and in the process is choosing willingly to conceal information. That in his mind is damning by his interpretation. Executors do not own the items, so its really not a matter of choice for him. Unless it was written in the will. Which I do not recall that being the case.

 

I stand by common courtesy in allowing the members of the family to decide openly. They are not minors or slow of mind.

 

The hardest thing for some folks to come to terms with is that their parents had those thoughts...very human ones. That they had those feelings...human ones. Yet some how to accept them as anything other then what we conjured up, ruins that image. And then we are left seeing that yes...they too...had hardships, trials and tribulations....and sometimes were more human then we wanted them to be. Good, Bad, Indifferent.

Most families tend to sweep painful truths under the carpet. This lack of transparency is not healthy. Imo, this is what causes depression and suicide, especially when members are patronised/infantilised, as you mention above.

Edited January 27, 2016 by truthtripper