LDR lack of interest /communication in different countries

[innerspaces]

Hi All, just looking for some different perspectives on my struggles in my current LDR relationship.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, and a couple of months ago I decided to move to India for a contract job that will last only 6 months, so we decided to do long distance until I return.

 

The first week I was in India he said he doesn't want me to get upset if he doesn't text or call me back for something like 12 hours / a night / a day because he has become really busy with work and its stressful for him. He also said he needs some space to 'do his own thing' now that I'm in India, and he wanted to take this opportunity to take some college classes, so he wouldn't be able to visit me. Needless to say this kind of hurt me and has somewhat tinted my first weeks and month here. Two months later he hasn't signed up for any classes and he still can't come see me for.. financial reasons.

 

 

When we're together in person I noticed he didn't ask me probing questions about my day or thoughts or inner experiences - but I realized that is just his personality and it was easy enough to just meet him, tell him about my day, and organically share these things. Now that its a LDR this is more problematic because I need more than ever someone to share my day with and I feel doesn't make it a priority to ask me about what I'm up to or who I'm with or what I'm experiencing (even though he says he thinks about me all the time). For example I know what time he wakes up and when he goes to work, so I tell him to have a great day, and I know when it's nighttime there and I text to ask what he's up to and how his day went. He will respond 70% of the time but hardly ever asks questions about how my day was or how I slept etc. Some nights he just goes out and I never hear from him until the next morning (a lot of times in India this means a whole day goes by and I don't share anything with him) - I don't think he is cheating or doing anything dubious, but it just makes me feel like I'm not a priority. And I really value sharing little mundane things to feel close to one another.

 

I'm trying really hard to be proactive and give what I'm hoping to receive but I'm not sure if I'm being uselessly loyal and working hard for something he isn't. Valentines day is coming up and I suggested we watch netflix on skype and have drinks like we usually do the last two valentines day and his response has been that valentines day is really busy at his work (spa work) - so I suggest the following weekend, and hes busy that weekend too, with work of course.

 

I talk to him about it and ask for what I need clearly but hes stated enough times that he doesn't want to feel 'obligated' or that it's 'required' he text me back or goodnight or return my phone call or whatever it is. This just leads to us fighting and me being kind of angry. He says he WANTS to, but doesn't want to be forced to. A weird thing for me is.. when I ask him what he wants from his relationship he just says "I want what you want", and doesn't ever ask for his own needs, only that he wants me to not get mad if he doesn't contact me and to stop being negative all the time about this -- which I understand I have been gloomy because this doesn't feel like it's working -- but he isn't asking me to *give* him anything. It's like he doesn't need me? but isn't leaving the relationship either? I've suggested we make little phone calls to each other more, but I'm the one ending up calling all the time. He tells me to share with him and call him whenever I want and he will be there... but there isn't a lot of initiating of that stuff from his side.

 

He used to text and call me a bit more, and be a bit more cheery, but something is happening. If I'm honest I have probably become a bit angry and paranoid at times just because I'm tired of nagging about quality of communication and frequency of communication and I have said recently that I'm willing to leave the relationship if he can't deliver because I'm exhausted -- which I'm sure doesn't make him feel like trying anymore.

 

I'm just at this weird standstill with my partner where we aren't talking much now, and I don't want to pester him so I don't reach out. Maybe I am over thinking this and sabotaging the relationship. Is this normal LDR strain with someone that just is a more physical person and less tech savvy? Why is he acting this way? And what can I do!

 

Any help appreciated.

Edited January 25, 2016 by innerspaces

[Lobouspo]

OP, one thing to keep in mind is that the one in a relationship who cares the least and puts the less amount of work holds the power. It sounds like you've let him know your feelings, and you expect more from him. It might be a good idea to back off a bit, and see what his reaction is. You might be coming across as a bit needy and clingy to him. I personally don't think so. LDR's are tough, and its important to keep that line of communication and spark going to prevent thinks from fading out. If he still presents a detached disposition, well you have a decision to make. The tough thing about LDR's is that sometimes when a person becomes distant, its really hard to get a feel for the situation from a distance, even with Skype, whatsapp, viber, etc. LDR's are difficult under the best of circumstances and require almost blind trust. Good luck

[ExpatInItaly]

Honestly, it sounds like he wants to be "on a break" (to use a dreaded cliche) while you are away. I don't see him making much effort and him telling you not to expect much in the way of returning a text/etc is concerning. So I don't believe you're over-thinking this.

 

I think he's test-driving being single. I don't necessarily mean that he's cheating, but that he's seeing if he might like to be free of a commitment. Sorry, but it doesn't look too good right now.

 

Sit back and see what he does. Don't contact him for a few days. If he doesn't miss you enough to reach out, then I think the relationship won't last very long.

Edited January 25, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[basil67]

You say that you don't feel like a priority to him. But to be fair, he is probably feeling like you prioritise your career over your relationship.

 

Was he really supportive about you leaving? Or did he have concerns?