strugglinghubby Posted January 29, 2016 Share Posted January 29, 2016 Maybe I'm the odd one out here but I did go through HB, and I'd say it lasted around 3 months. It actually never even impacted my thinking around wanting to stay and work things out. Our sex life was already very good before the A, but during the HB phase it was some of the most mind blowing sex I've ever had, and my W has said the same. Luckily we've been able to maintain most of that passion, but it's taken us to actively discuss our sex life and be more adventurous with each other to maintain it. I'd say we're in a pretty good place in the bedroom at the moment! I never went through the feelings of wanting to take something that was mine, prove a point etc or anything like that. Somehow I was able to disassociate the HB, maybe because I was aware of what it was, and the need for my emotional healing. I will say though that if anything the HB actually helped my emotional healing, it certainly didn't hinder it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted January 29, 2016 Share Posted January 29, 2016 Maybe I'm the odd one out here but I did go through HB, and I'd say it lasted around 3 months. It actually never even impacted my thinking around wanting to stay and work things out. Our sex life was already very good before the A, but during the HB phase it was some of the most mind blowing sex I've ever had, and my W has said the same. Luckily we've been able to maintain most of that passion, but it's taken us to actively discuss our sex life and be more adventurous with each other to maintain it. I'd say we're in a pretty good place in the bedroom at the moment! I never went through the feelings of wanting to take something that was mine, prove a point etc or anything like that. Somehow I was able to disassociate the HB, maybe because I was aware of what it was, and the need for my emotional healing. I will say though that if anything the HB actually helped my emotional healing, it certainly didn't hinder it. Exactly! The bold resonated with me as well. Our HB lasted about 2-3 months. It was mind blowing sex for sure but not in an emotional connecting sort of way. It was very primal. It did nothing as far as helping R for us (because my WH took his A underground). When I discovered the broken NC our HB stopped right in it's tracks. We haven't had it since. Sex has become enjoyable but I am still not connecting on an emotional level. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted January 29, 2016 Share Posted January 29, 2016 Did you get tested for STD's before you started having sex with your husband again? Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 Because HB ends does not mean that sex ends. Or that sex will be bad. Or sex will be less then pre affair. Or that sex can not be better post affair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 Kinda a guess here but since this morning I already feel mine starting to wane.....already. My wife reassured me to the point where there was little doubt that she was in it to make it work. I am more and more confident that she wont do this again. Also for me, simply learning that this is a natural phase might contribute some. I shouldn't future trip I know but know I am worried that my REAL feelings will emerge and that they will be different then what I feel now. I guess I don't really understand what HB is then? Because I can't see why it doesn't last. If your "real feelings" are something else, then why are you HB-ing? Hope someone can explain. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 I think Hysterical bonding is when one of the partners has committed adultery and they both have wild passionate sex to try to hold on to the marriage....as in more than they ever had before After a while...it wears off...reality sets in...and the sex diminishes...because the emotions of what has occurred takes over. I don't think John and i had hysterical bonding....it would be hard to tell...because of our sex life before my brief affair... nothing really changed....before during and after. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
M1ke12 Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 I guess I don't really understand what HB is then? Because I can't see why it doesn't last. If your "real feelings" are something else, then why are you HB-ing? Hope someone can explain. Well I'm just reading about it here. I didn't understand my feelings either. All I know is that all I can think about is her, I want sex all the time. Since she has been back we have missed only one night. I appreciate how deep my love is for her beyond sex now. Married people for 22 years can lose sight of that passion. Yes I would have said I loved her immensely and I always did but now I can feel that love with every breath. Like the old saying you don't know what you've got until it's gone. This is what I'm going through and I see it called hysterical bonding. What I am reading is that once it dissipates I may start to feel otherwise. To be honest, I hope not. Our problems go well beyond her one nighters and into alcoholism. To be honest my mind has moved on from the affairs to, I'm just trying to get her the help she needs. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 Well I'm just reading about it here. I didn't understand my feelings either. All I know is that all I can think about is her, I want sex all the time. Since she has been back we have missed only one night. I appreciate how deep my love is for her beyond sex now. Married people for 22 years can lose sight of that passion. Yes I would have said I loved her immensely and I always did but now I can feel that love with every breath. Like the old saying you don't know what you've got until it's gone. This is what I'm going through and I see it called hysterical bonding. What I am reading is that once it dissipates I may start to feel otherwise. To be honest, I hope not. Our problems go well beyond her one nighters and into alcoholism. To be honest my mind has moved on from the affairs to, I'm just trying to get her the help she needs. I can totally understand how the discovery of an A can cause you to appreciate your spouse more, and reset things once you realize that you could lose them, but why would those feelings and thoughts ever go away? Link to post Share on other sites
happyman64 Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 Gltstrkn What are you doing for you? Have you looked at IC to explore just why you made the decision to have an affair? Have you ever thought that one of the ways you can show your H that you love him, respect him and never want to cheat again is to work with a professional to understand just "why" you chose to have an affair in the first place. HB is fine. It shows you physically want him. Now think long term and show your H that you are serious about your long term commitment to him, the marriage and your well being...... HM 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GltStrkn Posted January 30, 2016 Author Share Posted January 30, 2016 Although I never want to lighten the fact that betrayal leaves a scar forever; just know that we all do not get through life without scars. In addition, you have seen many that have those scars and still have a good marriage and life. Use those scars to motivate you for the rest of your life to make your marriage and life better in other areas. You may never get the 100% trust back and may have those hurts pop up from time to time but I can tell you that in the years to come the trust can get close to 100% and the hurts a LOT less intense and pop up very rare. I am not telling you something that I read in theory, I am telling you what I have experienced in my 20+ years of successful R. Thank you, Mr Blunt. After over 6 months after DDay, husband and I have been doing better but the thoughts/pain from the affair resurfaces often. I know the time line is 2-5 years to recover but every time it does come up, it is discouraging. I think about how much I've hurt him and if I deserve to have him. It helps to know that the thoughts/pain resulting from the affair will lessen over time and that it will be better; that my husband and I can have a happy marriage. Maybe I'm the odd one out here but I did go through HB, and I'd say it lasted around 3 months. It actually never even impacted my thinking around wanting to stay and work things out. Our sex life was already very good before the A, but during the HB phase it was some of the most mind blowing sex I've ever had, and my W has said the same. Luckily we've been able to maintain most of that passion, but it's taken us to actively discuss our sex life and be more adventurous with each other to maintain it. I'd say we're in a pretty good place in the bedroom at the moment! I never went through the feelings of wanting to take something that was mine, prove a point etc or anything like that. Somehow I was able to disassociate the HB, maybe because I was aware of what it was, and the need for my emotional healing. I will say though that if anything the HB actually helped my emotional healing, it certainly didn't hinder it. I'm hoping with our case that it is similar to your experience and that HB helps with healing. It does definitely keep us happy and in tuned with each other. However, what worries me is if we happen to miss a day, I can tell it affects him negatively. I just want him to be able to be okay even if we miss a day or two. How did you cope after HB ended? Did you find yourself getting upset or thinking more about the affair? Gltstrkn What are you doing for you? Have you looked at IC to explore just why you made the decision to have an affair? Have you ever thought that one of the ways you can show your H that you love him, respect him and never want to cheat again is to work with a professional to understand just "why" you chose to have an affair in the first place. HB is fine. It shows you physically want him. Now think long term and show your H that you are serious about your long term commitment to him, the marriage and your well being...... HM I know I have to work on me. I'm not in IC. My husband doesn't believe in counseling or therapy. He says we can just talk to each other. I don't want to force him into anything he does not want to do. However, after the affair, we have communicated much more and now I feel like we have a truly open and honest relationship. Though I haven't gone to IC, I think it was a combination of a lot of things that made me decide to have an affair. I was very insecure about our relationship, I didn't think he really loved me as much as I loved him. I felt like I was the only one who wanted to make our relationship work. And now I know that wasn't the case. I also was insecure with myself, I had a milestone birthday which made me reflect on who I am/was and felt like I was lost at the time. I didn't know it then, but I believe I was depressed. I feel like I know where I belong now. I do know I have to continue working on myself. I'm showing him and telling him I'm here for the long term. He reassured me he is as well. The affair made me realize he was here all along but now, he has a reason to leave. I hope he continues to decide to stay. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
M1ke12 Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 I can totally understand how the discovery of an A can cause you to appreciate your spouse more, and reset things once you realize that you could lose them, but why would those feelings and thoughts ever go away? I dunno. Its just what I read here. Link to post Share on other sites
GollumsNightmare Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 HB lasted over a year for us, until interrupted by a prostatectomy due to cancer. As soon as he was cleared to resume sex, the HB continued for a few more months. It ended because quite frankly, no one could keep up that pace! It has now "settled" into an equally nice, sweet, almost daily, lovemaking session for an hour or so when we wake up each morning. We never had anything like that before the affair. It was like the A awoke a primal need to connect because we were so disconnected before. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 So HB is just more sex? What about the emotional component of bonding? Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 I think it is sex...but it is also about clinging to each other...and more or less rugsweeping. It is emotionally and physically clinging to each other...but not really addressing the underlying issues of the infidelity. It lasts for a while....and begins to wear off...and then reality sets in and you have to deal with the betrayal. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 I think it is sex...but it is also about clinging to each other...and more or less rugsweeping. It is emotionally and physically clinging to each other...but not really addressing the underlying issues of the infidelity. It lasts for a while....and begins to wear off...and then reality sets in and you have to deal with the betrayal. Ahh I see. This makes more sense now. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 I think it is sex...but it is also about clinging to each other...and more or less rugsweeping. It is emotionally and physically clinging to each other...but not really addressing the underlying issues of the infidelity. It lasts for a while....and begins to wear off...and then reality sets in and you have to deal with the betrayal. That was not our experience at all- we had amazing conversations during this period- for us, it was a reset of what we were all about and what we wanted to rest of our lives to look like going forward- the physical part lasted 2 years of every.day.he.was.home (he travels a lot) it has slowed a bit but the intensity is there still- our conversations are more light hearted and "normal" the last year or so but the reconnection of who WE are remains and was rediscovered during HB- 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 That was not our experience at all- we had amazing conversations during this period- for us, it was a reset of what we were all about and what we wanted to rest of our lives to look like going forward- the physical part lasted 2 years of every.day.he.was.home (he travels a lot) it has slowed a bit but the intensity is there still- our conversations are more light hearted and "normal" the last year or so but the reconnection of who WE are remains and was rediscovered during HB- popsicle asked the definition of HB...I explained what I think it means I don't believe John and I ever experienced HB....and we have been in reconciliation for 32 years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 popsicle asked the definition of HB...I explained what I think it means I don't believe John and I ever experienced HB....and we have been in reconciliation for 32 years. I get it. I think some don't like to acknowledge it goes beyond sex in to actual bonding because it ruins their idea the WS stayed because because of "obligations" Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 I never understood why John stayed...it was not what I deserved....I am just grateful he did. Were we an emotional wreck? of course we were...for several years....but sex for us has always been incredible and very important...it never changed....for us. i can testify...not only have we made it....it gets better and better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GollumsNightmare Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 I think everone's experience is unique so there is no one size fits all answer, YMMV. My experience is very similar to Gettingstronger's. It is not only sex. The way we interact with each other is completely different now. We dont sit across the room from each other in the TV room anymore. We rearranged the furniture and now prefer to cuddle on the loveseat like we did years ago. We are much more affectionate at all times. We do far more activities together recreationally than we have in years. We are more connected and interested in what the other is doing. We keep in touch by phone or text throughout the day. We make dinner together, we took dance lessons, we entertain common friends more often now and just have more fun. Frankly, before the affair, we were living quite separate lives because we were empty nesters and had not found our way back to our "coupledom" after being child centered for so many years. I dont know how long it will last, but I love it and hope it lasts for a long, long time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GollumsNightmare Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 the reconnection of who WE are remains and was rediscovered during HB ^^^^this, exactly! Thanks, Gettingstronger! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GollumsNightmare Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 original post by Mrs. John Adams: I think it is sex...but it is also about clinging to each other...and more or less rugsweeping. It is emotionally and physically clinging to each other...but not really addressing the underlying issues of the infidelity. It lasts for a while....and begins to wear off...and then reality sets in and you have to deal with the betrayal. I usually agree with almost everything you post, but in this particular instance I will disagree. I can assure you there has been no rugsweeping in this case. We have done.the.work. everyday: counseling, polygraph, our friends know, our adult son knows, we have read a million books (or so it seems) We have addressed everything, multiple times, inside and out. We have dealt with our crap. It wasnt always pretty, but at times it has been very, very good. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 You will notice that I said "i Think" She asked for a definition...and I was trying to explain what i thought it meant. Since We did not experience HB...I do not know first hand what it is. I simply gave my understanding of what it is. If you have a definition...please share it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GollumsNightmare Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 All I can share is my interpretation and experience which I did above. Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 I think HB is one way to counter balance the intense mental/physical pain felt after Dday. Both parties are emotionally spent in a very negative way, HB is intense sex designed to right the emotional ship inside ourselves. It is a tool used to alleviate the gut wrenching betrayed pain/soul shattering betrayer pain. For some, it is the only tool they use....and R does not go beyond that. For others, it is a relief valve...used in conjunction with IC, redefining the relationship/self, personal growth, self awareness, fixing oneself shortcomings....etc. Because the sex was intense and all that other work was done...those couples come out of R much stronger/bonded than before. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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