I'm now building friendships with women the right way...

[MightyPen]

In a recent post I was b*tching that I didn't really have any female friends (other than my wife)...but things are looking up now.

 

I've made two new female friends in the past months or so. One is a local woman - we're members of a club and we're both working on similar projects. We talk each other's ears off during club meetings and we FB chat frequently. My wife knows all about her.

 

The second woman I met through an online forum (same subject matter as with the first woman) and we've been emailing frequently, became FB friends, etc. I talk about her all the time to my wife - the friend is from another country so I find her very interesting. She is very talented in her field and I could see us collaborating on something in the future.

[minimariah]

why do you have the need for women friends -- as in, friends of a very specific gender? i'd understand if you wanted FRIENDS but why specifically women?

[Gloria25]

Why do these "friendships" have to be with women?

 

I thought your ex-buddy got your attention cuz of your need for "intelligent" and/or "stimulating" conversations that you weren't getting from your wife?

 

So, if your wife is giving her blessing on this, either: she's not that bright; is naive; lost so much interest in you (which is driving your need for exterior attention) that she could care less who/what you do. And/or, she knows that you'll never leave her so, she allows you to go "play" on the side.

 

I don't know you. Some believe you are setting up yourself for more than just an EA if you keep this up.

 

You keep on trying to keep attention of women other than your wife in your life. How far will you take it? I don't know.

 

What you're doing is not "natural". It's one thing to meet a person (male or female), click and/or form a bond with them and naturally/organically a "friendship" occurs...

 

But you're not doing that. You're actively seeking FEMALE friendships.

 

Either you're missing something in your marriage/wife/yourself that seriously needs to be properly addressed before you end up in bed with another woman. And even "if" you don't take it that far, if I were your woman, I couldn't say I'm your "wife" if your heart/mind/etc was something another woman satisfied instead of me. If I'm not enough for you, then let me go.

[Satu]

Same question:

 

Why do these 'friends' have to be female?

 

I have friends of both genders, but I don't value one gender more than the other...

[MightyPen]

I have to say your responses surprise me.

 

I hate to break it to people, but women (in general) are more willing to engage in conversation, especially on forums and such.

 

Many men would probably think it was weird to carry on correspondence with another dude.

 

And I made a male friend at the local club as well, so it's not like I'm "on the prowl" for female friends. It did happen naturally.

[Bittersweetie]

MP, why do you have this need for validation through female friendships? []

 

And did you ever read Not Just Friends?

Edited January 26, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Lack of attribution

[Bittersweetie]

 

Many men would probably think it was weird to carry on correspondence with another dude.

 

 

My H texts with his male friends all the time. Not weird at all.

[carhill]

Sounds a lot like the female friends I made in the cycling club, mainly through leading rides. Sometimes they rode alone, sometimes with their husbands, and we'd often socialize before and after rides, usually over a burger somewhere. Yup, the topic of conversation was cycling. The hills, the flats, the intervals, the burn. That's what interest-based friendships are all about. Then, sometimes, their husbands would lead rides and I'd be a follower, especially in the hills. Heh.

[Lois_Griffin]

While I don't think it's 'bad' to have women as friends, I think it's just a bit off-putting that you're acting as though this is some kind of accomplishment or goal you set out to accomplish. People become friends mostly by chance or circumstance - this sounds like you purposely made it your goal.

 

 

It just doesn't sound nature is all.

[TX-SC]

It's good to have friends. Congratulations on making two new friends.

[carhill]

OP, since your wife knows about the club members you've befriended, if things go well, you can grow those into social situations. Dollars to donuts they have boyfriends or husbands and you all can do couple's stuff and see where things go. Generally, clubs have social gatherings away from the interest or adjunct to it. An example from my life would be the annual dinners or group cruises in the car club. Partners and spouses are invited and it's a big social gathering.

[MightyPen]

OP, since your wife knows about the club members you've befriended, if things go well, you can grow those into social situations. Dollars to donuts they have boyfriends or husbands and you all can do couple's stuff and see where things go. Generally, clubs have social gatherings away from the interest or adjunct to it. An example from my life would be the annual dinners or group cruises in the car club. Partners and spouses are invited and it's a big social gathering.

 

Yeah that would be the plan, at least with the two local folks. I know he's married and I'm pretty sure she is too. I think expanding our circle of friends would be a good thing. We've gotten into a rut hanging out with the same people year after year.

[MightyPen]

While I don't think it's 'bad' to have women as friends, I think it's just a bit off-putting that you're acting as though this is some kind of accomplishment or goal you set out to accomplish. People become friends mostly by chance or circumstance - this sounds like you purposely made it your goal.

 

 

It just doesn't sound nature is all.

 

 

I think I poorly phrased both the thread title and the original post. I don't view it as some sort of achievement; I guess I was just sharing this new information, as I viewed it as a healthy thing (making new friends period) and, being 100% clear with everyone that I was being totally aboveboard with my wife about the whole thing.

 

I've read recent threads where many people said that married people shouldn't be friends with folks of the opposite gender, and I disagree with that, but I am also being more mindful that those relationships might require a bit more explicit "aboveboardness" just to make sure no one gets the wrong idea.

[Gloria25]

I have to say your responses surprise me.

 

I hate to break it to people, but women (in general) are more willing to engage in conversation, especially on forums and such.

 

Many men would probably think it was weird to carry on correspondence with another dude.

 

And I made a male friend at the local club as well, so it's not like I'm "on the prowl" for female friends. It did happen naturally.

 

Quite the contrary,

 

Your post astound me....

 

Men shoot hoops, have brewskies, they bond and have conversation while doing all this...quite frankly, one of my dad's complaints was that he couldn't find women who would be issues/topics of discussion like politics, etc...

 

So sorry, while yes it is true women are more conversationalists, they aren't on things that of are main interest to men, so not buying this story...

 

Good luck with that

[GorillaTheater]

I think I poorly phrased both the thread title and the original post. I don't view it as some sort of achievement; I guess I was just sharing this new information, as I viewed it as a healthy thing (making new friends period) and, being 100% clear with everyone that I was being totally aboveboard with my wife about the whole thing.

 

I've read recent threads where many people said that married people shouldn't be friends with folks of the opposite gender, and I disagree with that, but I am also being more mindful that those relationships might require a bit more explicit "aboveboardness" just to make sure no one gets the wrong idea.

 

 

I have a number of female friends, and I also have some very good boundaries that I impose on myself and them.

 

 

How good are your boundaries now?

[MightyPen]

I have a number of female friends, and I also have some very good boundaries that I impose on myself and them.

 

 

How good are your boundaries now?

 

 

I think my boundaries are a lot better with these new friends.

 

 

1) My wife knows about them.

 

2) We communicate openly - they might FB message me or text me and there are no secrets - I respond right in front of my wife and she's welcome to ask who I'm chatting with. I even showed her one of the conversations where the woman had provided an interesting link. Hell my FB stays up on our "family" desktop most of the time.

 

3) The conversations, although intimate in a one-on-one sense, focus on appropriate topics (artsy stuff mostly like art, literature, etc).

 

 

Again, I view this all as healthy and positive even if others don't.

[Gloria25]

I think my boundaries are a lot better with these new friends.

 

 

1) My wife knows about them.

 

2) We communicate openly - they might FB message me or text me and there are no secrets - I respond right in front of my wife and she's welcome to ask who I'm chatting with. I even showed her one of the conversations where the woman had provided an interesting link. Hell my FB stays up on our "family" desktop most of the time.

 

3) The conversations, although intimate in a one-on-one sense, focus on appropriate topics (artsy stuff mostly like art, literature, etc).

 

 

Again, I view this all as healthy and positive even if others don't.

 

And I've seen many situations (ie swingers/open marriages) where even though the couples lay down "rules" (ie no having sex with the 3rd wheel without husband/wife in the same room...somehow, somehow either the husband or wife start having one-on-one time with the 3rd wheel.

 

And, I see that happening eventually in your case - eventually you'll be having chats your wife won't be privy to and she won't be any the wiser cuz she thinks it's kosher that she supposedly "knows" these women.

 

I know of some women who will NOT bring their bfs/husbands around their single friends and one time I thought they were paranoid, but I see why now.

 

My sis-in-law, said one time she shared a place with a married couple and their kid and she had ZERO interest in the husband, but he'd try to "oops" and sneak in her room, if she'd be dating someone, he'd walk around pouting. Finally sis-in-law left cuz of husband and wifey just didn't "get" it - like your wife hasn't.

[M1ke12]

I dunno. Recipe for disaster. Even IF you are true to your boundaries you may begin to see a side of your wife you don't like. And maybe she is the type that will repress it and not even realize the sense of jealousy is there.

 

My wife is this way I am learning. We have recently been through a lot so I told my wife I don't care if she argues, I am breaking off any contact with my only female friend.

 

My wife told me she is not threatened by her at all and I still am doing it.....why? My wife represses stuff.

 

Compared to my wife, the loss of one friend isn't that great.

 

Yes I know I shouldn't have to do this in my situation, I know. Its just that I am not willing to take any risk, no matter how minimal.

 

I think you are actively pursuing female friends and are cloak and dagger about your real intentions. Why else emphasize the female part? Why not just say, "hey I have two new friends?"

 

Validation my friend.

[whichwayisup]

In a recent post I was b*tching that I didn't really have any female friends (other than my wife)...but things are looking up now.

 

I've made two new female friends in the past months or so. One is a local woman - we're members of a club and we're both working on similar projects. We talk each other's ears off during club meetings and we FB chat frequently. My wife knows all about her.

 

The second woman I met through an online forum (same subject matter as with the first woman) and we've been emailing frequently, became FB friends, etc. I talk about her all the time to my wife - the friend is from another country so I find her very interesting. She is very talented in her field and I could see us collaborating on something in the future.

 

Are any of these 'new' female friends single or married? Will they meet your wife? I just find it odd that you're actively looking for 'new' female friends and investing in them instead of just focusing on your wife and reconnecting with her. Have your male buddies, you really don't need to hang out and chat with women other than your wife, especially on facebook.

 

I guess I just don't understand your need to have women friends especially since you just ended your affair with your OW. Its one thing to have friends that go back from childhood, it's another to go looking for them and put energy into getting to know another woman outside your marriage and not include your wife. Asking for trouble if you ask me!

Edited February 8, 2016 by whichwayisup

[Liam1]

I think my boundaries are a lot better with these new friends.

 

 

1) My wife knows about them.

 

2) We communicate openly - they might FB message me or text me and there are no secrets - I respond right in front of my wife and she's welcome to ask who I'm chatting with. I even showed her one of the conversations where the woman had provided an interesting link. Hell my FB stays up on our "family" desktop most of the time.

 

3) The conversations, although intimate in a one-on-one sense, focus on appropriate topics (artsy stuff mostly like art, literature, etc).

 

 

Again, I view this all as healthy and positive even if others don't.

 

Mighty pen:

 

I agree with those who told you that this is a recipe for disaster.

 

No need for other sex friends, once you are married.

 

This is how my affair started. The OW and I met at the local health club then started going to their restaurant for a coffee and a chat.

 

Soon, she started to start talking about her prior affairs, and how she liked having affairs for the sex and never wanted to end her marriage. Then she started to become touchy and affectionate, and then she blatantly suggested an affair.

 

I stupidly agreed.

 

After I broke it up, the OW went bunny boiler on me.

 

There will always be sexual tension in a male female friendship.

 

It does not matter that your wife knows about her. It can still go awry.

[MightyPen]

Mighty pen:

 

I agree with those who told you that this is a recipe for disaster.

 

No need for other sex friends, once you are married.

 

This is how my affair started. The OW and I met at the local health club then started going to their restaurant for a coffee and a chat.

 

Soon, she started to start talking about her prior affairs, and how she liked having affairs for the sex and never wanted to end her marriage. Then she started to become touchy and affectionate, and then she blatantly suggested an affair.

 

I stupidly agreed.

 

After I broke it up, the OW went bunny boiler on me.

 

There will always be sexual tension in a male female friendship.

 

It does not matter that your wife knows about her. It can still go awry.

 

I'll be extra mindful moving forward. I'm not prepared to write off half of the human race, but I'll be careful about boundaries.

[road]

I'll be extra mindful moving forward. I'm not prepared to write off half of the human race, but I'll be careful about boundaries.

 

 

There is no justification for married people to have opposite sex friends. It is how affairs start.

 

 

Sayings such as not write off half the human race sound clever too those that can not see through it as false justification.

 

 

Just like saying I like having women friends to talk to. Men may not talk enough to make their wives happy though in male friendships no man has complained that his man friend does not talk enough.

 

 

Stop selling baloney.

[Liam1]

I'll be extra mindful moving forward. I'm not prepared to write off half of the human race, but I'll be careful about boundaries.

 

You don't have to write off half the human race.

 

You can still socialize as couples friends with women.

 

Avoid being alone with a woman friend, anywhere, anyhow.

 

No need to text them, either.

 

Make sure you only interact out in the open when other people are around.

 

Otherwise you will get yourself in trouble.....eventually.

 

I was faithful for many years, but then one day............

 

If you love your wife, it will not be worth it.

 

You will hurt your wife, yourself, the OW her Betrayed spouse of boyfriend, any children if either of you have them.

[sandylee1]

Why do you actively pursue female friendships? It seems you've gone out of your way to do so. Aren't there men interested in art like yourself?

 

Do these women have partners and if so, are they aware of the friendships?

 

Having gone down the slippery slope I'd have thought you'd steer clear.