Getting married in 3 months, yet just found some disturbing news.

[kitkat8]

this is somewhat of a long story! stay with me please!!

 

So, i would to start from the very begginning of when our relationship first started. In 2011, i was working with a very cute girl (21 years old) at a resturant who had a boyfriend at the time. we were decent friends, nothing to major, and everything was completely casual for the most part. Towards the end of her relationship we started to get closer, she would have friends over and we would play games n such. she would openly admit that she didnt tell her boyfriend that i was over because he didnt like me at the time, he felt jealous of us.. so i could tell that things werent going so well and she would constantly talk bad about him. saying she wanted things to end between them.

 

A few weeks later they broke up. we started hanging out every day and started to hook up eventually. 4 months later, she went back to college. we were still considered "friends with benefits". we both started to grow feelings for each other and set up rules, i.e no daiting other people, no sleeping with other people yadda yadda. this was mostly things she wanted for us. i mean i respected her decisions.. She just got out of a 4 year relationship and wasnt looking for another one, which i wanted one.

 

So we will scoot forward a few months, i start pushing the dating gig again, she said she didnt want to date anyone right now. we both have very strong feelings for each other talking all day long, talking on the phone till two in the morning often. also, i would drive to her school and she would drive home to see me very often. some what sketchy things would happen when she came home. Guys were always texting her, also once a guy texted her at 2 in the morning asking to hang out, she claimed it was super weird that he would do that. We were both very close with each others families also, whom both knew our situation at the time and everyone knew we were basically dating.

 

December rolls around (we've been talking for 7 months) and we went bowling with her family one night. During that night she kept walking away from me every minute or so to text. i grew suspicious and looked through her phone and found text messages to another man, which they were very friendly with each other. both saying they miss each other, also that she was going to come back early so they could hang out. i freaked out and told her i was done with what we had going on. she swore they were just friends! blowing up my phone for a few days before i responded. we had many many convos about it after and her always staying strong.. nothing happened! i started to believe her, but deep down knew she was lying to me, i just knew, but i wanted to believe her. 2 months later, we started dating because i couldnt have it any other way. i was sick of these hookups/ dating.. and gave her an ultimatum, either we start an actual relationship or we cant do this any more. we started dating.

 

a month later, i decided to join the Navy. I enlisted and was told i was leaving in june of 2012. We broke up in May, i told her i didnt think it would work while i was gone because i kept thinking about the guy she was talking to. its always been in the back of my head. i didnt have a great deal of trust for her. We still maintained communication throughout Bootcamp and she showed up at my graduation. We started dating that day again. i was weak. i loved her. 7 months later i recieved orders to go overseas. We had a decent relationship, probably the best you can have for being across the world and at a 13 hour difference. i tried to talk to her everyday.

 

A year 1/2 into me being overseas, we broke up again. this guy still continued to bother me and we fought about it, and I didnt want her sitting at home waiting for me to come home! Long distance relationships are hard to manage! After breaking up we didnt talk for 4 months, then started talking again. i came home for leave a few months after that. we started dating again.

 

We agreed that we needed to do something in order to make this relatonship work. so we decided to set up a marriage. i was leaving for deployment for 5 months, i wanted to make sure this was a forsure thing. so this guy popped up again, we fought about it for so long. a few weeks later of constant fighting she gave in and told me she hooked up with him. i was in shock.

 

Learning this new info, i was completely lost after so many years of her lying to me. we just have had so many fights about this. first she told me they just hooked up a few times. i had a serious talk with her saying this couldnt work without her being truthful. she finally told me they were having sex for about 3 months.

 

So, now here i am 3 months from getting married to this girl and we have so many problems right now. i honestly dont know what to do. i've been trying to get over this situation. i Love her, i really do, but i dont know if i can forgive her.. We wouldnt of even started dating if she told me back in the day.. i dont play that stuff, especially her telling me not to sleep with anyone. i didnt, i was head over heals for this girl.

 

i need assistance and i dont really have anyone to talk to. im away from my home and my family. i am still on this deployment and we can hardly talk. when i return to where im stationed, she is set to fly out.

 

final notes, i can tell she is really trying to make this situation better. shes trying really hard. We both are trying to overcome this together.

however, our entire relationship has been long distance. i cant help but think about what else she has not told me. what else has happened!?

i aplogize for the horrible grammar, i've only slept for 4 hours within the past two days.

[VeveCakes]

Don't marry this woman. End it now and start a new life without this drama.

[preraph]

Engagement period is specifically so that you have time to get to know your future spouse better and break up if it doesn't feel right. So don't feel bad if you need to break it off or simply cancel the wedding for the time being.

[kitkat8]

we cant afford to just be engaged. the only way for her to come out here is for us to get married. we'd have to wait another year if we didnt get married. which i cant see many relationships lasting as long as we have let alone another year. you're right though. it needs to be right, also feel right in order to continue.

[Satu]

Don't marry her.

 

Too many problems.

 

If you work through them, you might be fine to marry, but not now.

Edited January 25, 2016 by Satu

[kitkat8]

thats the thing that im the edge with. should we try to work through everything? or just end it for good.

[MightyPen]

I was confused by one thing.

 

 

When did the "her having three months of sex with this dude" take place? Late 2015?

[kitkat8]

it happened late in the 9 month window of us starting to talk and us getting into a relationship. so late 2011, early 2012.

[normal person]

we cant afford to just be engaged. the only way for her to come out here is for us to get married. we'd have to wait another year if we didnt get married. which i cant see many relationships lasting as long as we have let alone another year. you're right though. it needs to be right, also feel right in order to continue.

 

Thanks for your service.

 

Don't think marriage will be a magic bullet. The only thing it will do is complicate problems you already have. Being around each other all the time isn't going to solve the problem if it's still lingering. Now, if you truly forgive her and get over it (easier said than done, of course), and you trust that she won't do it again, then that's a different story. That doesn't mean run to the altar. That just means try and be happy given the circumstances, don't force anything, and proceed with caution. If you can't get over it and can't forgive her, then don't marry her.

 

I'd advise against it, personally. Sure it'll hurt but you've got your whole life ahead of you and plenty of time to start fresh.

Edited January 25, 2016 by normal person

[Mr. Lucky]

it happened late in the 9 month window of us starting to talk and us getting into a relationship. so late 2011, early 2012.

 

I'm curious if you've been 100% faithful to her in all this time apart?

 

Mr. Lucky

[veggirl]

You've NEVER had a solid, trustworthy relationship with her. It's ALWAYS been on shaky ground! Your marriage will be a huge mistake if you go through with it.

[Satu]

thats the thing that im the edge with. should we try to work through everything? or just end it for good.

 

Get some individual counselling to help you clear your mind and explore you options.

 

I'm of the opinion that some individual counselling should be done before any kind of couple's counselling.

[Eaglescout88]

Hello, I've read your story and I am really sorry for your situation. As you are currently deployed, I would suggest talking to someone who has a strong marriage; maybe a Non-Commissioned Officer (NCO)? I grew up in the military and, though I was an Army dependent, I did know a few Navy families. Though many NCO's remain single in the Navy, there are also many who have very strong marriages and families. They have probably navigated these waters before, so they can probably help. The only other thought that I had would be a chaplain. Chaplains tend to see things from a different perspective than most and can also be extremely helpful. No matter where assigned in the military, you should have access to one. Again, I am really sorry that you are in this situation. I wish you the best. Kind regards, Kevin

[KissKattBar]

I believe that love is a choice. If you love her and still want to marry her, you'll have to forgive and forget her misdeeds and learn to trust her again. If it makes you feel better, you can ask her to stay away from the other guy- no contact whatsoever. If she loves you, she'll do anything to keep you.

Plus you're likely to not have a problem with this guy specifically once you both move.

Don't just get married to solve a problem. Marry for love.

[S2B]

There's no way to trust her. Without trust there's no foundation for the marriage.

 

Id say let it end. That way you can find a trustworthy partner.

[lolablue17]

You have a strange concept for marriage. Marriage is not a cure for problems in a relationship. Marriage is not a solution to unstable rocky situation. Marriage should come to express the love of two people who want to spend exclusively the rest of their life together.

 

1. From day one of your relationship she didn't want any relationship with you. Many excuses, many reasons, but she just didn't want you.

 

2. She was always lying to you. hiding things from you. Small lies, big lies, who cares? it is still lying.

 

3. She was cheating on you while the engagement period, the sweetest and pure period for every couple. I think that having sex with another man (for 3 month, WOW!) during the engagement period is the lowest.

 

4. If she behave the way she did when you're just engaged, I can assure you - Things will get worse. She will cheat on you many times in the future. Please dump her immediately and save yourself from constant misery.

[truth_seeker]

You have a strange concept for marriage. Marriage is not a cure for problems in a relationship. Marriage is not a solution to unstable rocky situation. Marriage should come to express the love of two people who want to spend exclusively the rest of their life together.

 

1. From day one of your relationship she didn't want any relationship with you. Many excuses, many reasons, but she just didn't want you.

 

2. She was always lying to you. hiding things from you. Small lies, big lies, who cares? it is still lying.

 

3. She was cheating on you while the engagement period, the sweetest and pure period for every couple. I think that having sex with another man (for 3 month, WOW!) during the engagement period is the lowest.

 

4. If she behave the way she did when you're just engaged, I can assure you - Things will get worse. She will cheat on you many times in the future. Please dump her immediately and save yourself from constant misery.

 

This is unbelievable. Talk about a recipe for a murder/suicide.

 

Get out of this right now! This woman has ZERO respect for you OP. Blatantly lying and cheating on you. Are you a doormat?

 

It will only get worse and possibly drive you to do something catastrophic. I understand you're in love but you need to wake up fast before it's too late.

[nobscupid]

this is somewhat of a long story! stay with me please!!

 

So, i would to start from the very begginning of when our relationship first started. In 2011, i was working with a very cute girl (21 years old) at a resturant who had a boyfriend at the time. we were decent friends, nothing to major, and everything was completely casual for the most part. Towards the end of her relationship we started to get closer, she would have friends over and we would play games n such. she would openly admit that she didnt tell her boyfriend that i was over because he didnt like me at the time, he felt jealous of us.. so i could tell that things werent going so well and she would constantly talk bad about him. saying she wanted things to end between them.

 

A few weeks later they broke up. we started hanging out every day and started to hook up eventually. 4 months later, she went back to college. we were still considered "friends with benefits". we both started to grow feelings for each other and set up rules, i.e no daiting other people, no sleeping with other people yadda yadda. this was mostly things she wanted for us. i mean i respected her decisions.. She just got out of a 4 year relationship and wasnt looking for another one, which i wanted one.

 

So we will scoot forward a few months, i start pushing the dating gig again, she said she didnt want to date anyone right now. we both have very strong feelings for each other talking all day long, talking on the phone till two in the morning often. also, i would drive to her school and she would drive home to see me very often. some what sketchy things would happen when she came home. Guys were always texting her, also once a guy texted her at 2 in the morning asking to hang out, she claimed it was super weird that he would do that. We were both very close with each others families also, whom both knew our situation at the time and everyone knew we were basically dating.

 

December rolls around (we've been talking for 7 months) and we went bowling with her family one night. During that night she kept walking away from me every minute or so to text. i grew suspicious and looked through her phone and found text messages to another man, which they were very friendly with each other. both saying they miss each other, also that she was going to come back early so they could hang out. i freaked out and told her i was done with what we had going on. she swore they were just friends! blowing up my phone for a few days before i responded. we had many many convos about it after and her always staying strong.. nothing happened! i started to believe her, but deep down knew she was lying to me, i just knew, but i wanted to believe her. 2 months later, we started dating because i couldnt have it any other way. i was sick of these hookups/ dating.. and gave her an ultimatum, either we start an actual relationship or we cant do this any more. we started dating.

 

a month later, i decided to join the Navy. I enlisted and was told i was leaving in june of 2012. We broke up in May, i told her i didnt think it would work while i was gone because i kept thinking about the guy she was talking to. its always been in the back of my head. i didnt have a great deal of trust for her. We still maintained communication throughout Bootcamp and she showed up at my graduation. We started dating that day again. i was weak. i loved her. 7 months later i recieved orders to go overseas. We had a decent relationship, probably the best you can have for being across the world and at a 13 hour difference. i tried to talk to her everyday.

 

A year 1/2 into me being overseas, we broke up again. this guy still continued to bother me and we fought about it, and I didnt want her sitting at home waiting for me to come home! Long distance relationships are hard to manage! After breaking up we didnt talk for 4 months, then started talking again. i came home for leave a few months after that. we started dating again.

 

We agreed that we needed to do something in order to make this relatonship work. so we decided to set up a marriage. i was leaving for deployment for 5 months, i wanted to make sure this was a forsure thing. so this guy popped up again, we fought about it for so long. a few weeks later of constant fighting she gave in and told me she hooked up with him. i was in shock.

 

Learning this new info, i was completely lost after so many years of her lying to me. we just have had so many fights about this. first she told me they just hooked up a few times. i had a serious talk with her saying this couldnt work without her being truthful. she finally told me they were having sex for about 3 months.

 

So, now here i am 3 months from getting married to this girl and we have so many problems right now. i honestly dont know what to do. i've been trying to get over this situation. i Love her, i really do, but i dont know if i can forgive her.. We wouldnt of even started dating if she told me back in the day.. i dont play that stuff, especially her telling me not to sleep with anyone. i didnt, i was head over heals for this girl.

 

i need assistance and i dont really have anyone to talk to. im away from my home and my family. i am still on this deployment and we can hardly talk. when i return to where im stationed, she is set to fly out.

 

final notes, i can tell she is really trying to make this situation better. shes trying really hard. We both are trying to overcome this together.

however, our entire relationship has been long distance. i cant help but think about what else she has not told me. what else has happened!?

i aplogize for the horrible grammar, i've only slept for 4 hours within the past two days.

 

Thank for sharing but to keep it straight 100 . . . If you don't plan to have a baby right after marriage. DO NOT get married. People get married to start a family. If you have NO interest in having kids, do not get married.

 

Also after a couple years, your sex and social life will gradually diminish.

 

If you don't care about sex, social life and just want to bring in new member to raise, etc Marriage is for you. If not, RUN for the hills!

[BettyDraper]

Thank for sharing but to keep it straight 100 . . . If you don't plan to have a baby right after marriage. DO NOT get married. People get married to start a family. If you have NO interest in having kids, do not get married.

 

Also after a couple years, your sex and social life will gradually diminish.

 

If you don't care about sex, social life and just want to bring in new member to raise, etc Marriage is for you. If not, RUN for the hills!

 

This is not true at all.

 

Not everyone marries just to have kids. Some people marry because they want the legally recognized relationship and the security that goes with it.

Others enjoy being a couple for a few years until they decide they are ready to start a family.

 

My husband and I will not be having kids. We plan on travelling, enjoying our home and being an awesome aunt and uncle. I've also known many couples with kids who do not have babies right away. In fact, experts say it is best to way a few years after marriage before becoming parents.

[Mirage10]

Tough one. Where you officially together during this 3 month period with the other man? You guys never seemed to have a stable dating and then engagement period. It semes like it has always been in bits and pieces and long distance to boot.

[mightycpa]

Fix first, marry last.

[GreatCatch]

Hi!

 

I don't think you should give up on this lady because you really love her, but Id on't think you should marry her yet. You have to be strong. Marriage doesn't solve problems it makes existing problems worse. Both people have to want this to happen and it sounds like both of you really don't know what you are doing.

 

You are in a difficult situation because you are deployed. You need to be focused on what you are doing not what is going on with your relationship. If you are posting here, then you are undecided my friend. YOu don't know if you really want to go through with this marriage. No matter how much you love her -- you may be missing out on the real deal if you marry her. PERIOD. The real deal may pass you by and there will be nothing you can do about it because you married this woman. I know you love her. I understand that, but sometimes you have to take a step back and evalute the situatio. I don't think you can or should do that right now. Too much stress.

 

I think that you should try to strengthen your relatinoship with this woman if you can, but you need more time. You may miss out on a steady stable relationship if you marry this woman. You need to be honest with yourself. You need to be strong even though I know you are weak in the knees right now. This too shall pass and you will make the right decision at the end of the day. One that you can live with. Just don't make any decisions right now. Wait. Take it slow. Wait and see.

 

Best wishes.