Mel77 Posted June 7, 2005 Share Posted June 7, 2005 It's been a wk since my bf of 1.5 yrs dumped me. He basically said that he'd never been able to fall in love with me and he now knew that he never could. He'd never told me that he loved me but I guess I just thought that he did but was too afraid to say it aloud. I feel so stupid. We'd had our problems but none of these issues were ever brought to the table. We're both pretty non-aggressive types and talking to him never really made me feel our issues were resolved. I blame myself for biting my tongue so often and I am confused as to why he never said anything to me prior to his dropping the bomb a wk ago. As he was breaking it off with me he'd also mentioned that he'd try to do things that he knew would make me happy in hopes of "getting that feeling" but it just made him more miserable and he was just going through the motions. So now I have to live with those words. Not too good for my self esteem here. When I was leaving his apt, he cried (such a surprised considering all he'd just said to me) and I cried. It's been NC since we broke up. I miss him and I think about him a lot. I wonder if he thinks of me or if he's relieved that he no longer needs to go through the motions of being my bf. I know this is for the best though. I deserve to be with someone who absolutly adores me, and isn't faking it in hopes of falling in love. Things are just hard right now because he was such a big part of my life and it's all been cut out. I'm angry, sad, miserable, relieved... a mix of emotions depending on what day you ask me. But most of all, I feel like it was a big waste of time. If he didn't love me, he could've told me 6 months into our relationship rather than dragging it out for a year and a half. It would have saved me the heartache and I wouldn't have gotten so attached. I guess for now, I'm just taking things one day at a time and trying to pick myself up from this blow. Link to post Share on other sites
TheBarnacle Posted June 7, 2005 Share Posted June 7, 2005 sorry, mel. i'm sure that's very hard stuff to hear. some perspective: remember you ARE lovable. you seem to have a healthy attitude re: recognizing you DESERVE to be with someone who truly loves you. but don't absolve yourself of all blame here either. while he didn't disclose all that was going on in his head, you didn't necessarily make an effort to find out (i'm assuming). that said, next time, just remember what you want, what the end goal is, and don't feel bad asking whether the person you're with is on the same page. that's important. don't sweat it too much. and don't beat yourself up trying to figure out "why he didn't tell you sooner". greive then move on a better person. you sound totally grounded considering...keep it up. you'll be fine! Link to post Share on other sites
em88 Posted June 7, 2005 Share Posted June 7, 2005 I blame myself for biting my tongue so often and I am confused as to why he never said anything to me prior to his dropping the bomb a wk ago. i blame myself too. believe me, i have gone back and forth thinking if only this..i shouldnt have this...why didnt we this... its only normal. but then i tell myself, no its wasnt just my fault. yes, i may have done things, but so did he. and its something you have to accept. and something you cant waste your time thinking about over and over again. i was surprised about the breakup too. i mean, i knew things were tense. but i didnt know it would lead to breaking up. i am still confused now. he went frm saying he loved me more then ever, to saying he didnt love me enough to make it work the NEXT day. there are so many questions. they cant all be answered. but you just have to move on frm it. and help yourself. im in the same boat as you hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
scarlyjones Posted June 7, 2005 Share Posted June 7, 2005 Awwwwwwwwww ......... Dont worry hon,..... I bet he really did love you. Guys will say those things when they breakup sometimes. Sounds better. That way he wouldnt have to explain why hes breaking up with you if he did love you. You do deserve someone who loves you. And I believe this: You dont spend a year and a half with someone you dont love. You just dont. Sounds to me like this guy would have had problems with whomever he was with. Dont take it personally. He may have intimacy issues. Link to post Share on other sites
TMonkey Posted June 7, 2005 Share Posted June 7, 2005 The thing that most guys don't want to admit (because women will run from them if they do) is that they're only ready when they're ready. Nothing else can change that. We could meet the perfect woman of our dreams, but if we don't want to settle down, we won't. It doesn't make much sense, but it's true. So don't beat yourself up. This guy sounds like he's just...not...ready. There's not much a woman can do in that situation. And he'll probably be back. that's the other thing you can count on men for. In most cases, they will remember the good and regret leaving you, eventually. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted June 7, 2005 Share Posted June 7, 2005 Originally posted by Mel77 It's been a wk since my bf of 1.5 yrs dumped me. He basically said that he'd never been able to fall in love with me and he now knew that he never could. He'd never told me that he loved me but I guess I just thought that he did but was too afraid to say it aloud. I feel so stupid. What would you say to a friend in your situation? Would you tell her she was stupid? I bet you wouldn't. Some people are so alive with emotions that they're a veritable human firework display. Others need a bit of help to tap into their feelings and get the party going. Then you have the damp squibs who just don't seem to have the potential to really make a love affair rock with anyone. They trundle from relationship to relationship, looking for "the one" who will set them alight. Thinking that love "just happens", they pass onto others the responsibility for creating that magic spark. They trail frustration in their wake as former partners - all the love and energy drained out of them - wonder what they did or didn't do, what went wrong...and whether there's just something intrinsically unloveable about them. Perhaps your ex isn't a damp squib. Maybe in time he'll develop whatever degree of courage, heart and honesty is required to have a proper relationship without resorting to "faking it". Whatever the situation, I think that once you've recovered from all this you'll be holding out for a man who has a bit more of a rocket up his arse than the last one did, and I sincerely hope that you find him when you're ready Link to post Share on other sites
scarlyjones Posted June 7, 2005 Share Posted June 7, 2005 Originally posted by TMonkey And he'll probably be back. that's the other thing you can count on men for. In most cases, they will remember the good and regret leaving you, eventually. Yes,..but,...dont HOLD onto that. Get out there and live !!! Link to post Share on other sites
Curt Posted June 7, 2005 Moderators Share Posted June 7, 2005 Originally posted by Mel77 We'd had our problems but none of these issues were ever brought to the table. We're both pretty non-aggressive types and talking to him never really made me feel our issues were resolved. I blame myself for biting my tongue so often and I am confused as to why he never said anything to me prior to his dropping the bomb a wk ago. As he was breaking it off with me he'd also mentioned that he'd try to do things that he knew would make me happy in hopes of "getting that feeling" but it just made him more miserable and he was just going through the motions. So now I have to live with those words. Not too good for my self esteem here. Truth be known, herein likely lies an explanation as to what really happened. Issues unresolved, fester. Without an ability to talk to each other candidly and kindly about the issues that may trouble them, a couple has little choice but to go down as another check in the "splitting up" column. Doing things merely to make another person happy, is equally as ill-fated. There is no question that there is a definite need for couples to be in it for one another. However, in like manner, any attempt to neglect or negate one's own needs in a relationship is no solution either. In the end, both need to feel comfortable as individual contributing members in their "couple's space." In addition, each must be willing to do the sometimes challenging consensus-building work that is required to build a strong, enduring bridge to each other's heart and soul. Needless to say, if both members of the coupledom have divergent needs and goals for their partnership, issues will necessarily crop up. There is little value in taking these events as attacks against your self esteem. The real value in the situation Mel77, is that you now know something about the importance of caringly communicating your feelings/needs/desires, that you may not have known before. Now, you can take this lesson into a future relationship, not as baggage, but experience. I have a feeling that he walked away having learned more about what he is about, and how to approach relationships in the future. Take care, Curt Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mel77 Posted June 9, 2005 Author Share Posted June 9, 2005 Thanks for all of the advice you guys. My days have their ups and their downs. I've been crying more lately and thinking about all of the hurtful things he said to me. And I miss him. It's the little things that remind me of him (like a song, or something that we used to watch on TV together) that really get to me. But part of me is also really really angry. Like, how could you say you never loved me after all of our time together? Why did you resort to faking it? So last night he called me and left me a voice mail. He basically said that he just wanted to see how I was doing and to call him back when I get a chance. Okay so I am excited bc that means he was thinking about me. But then again, was this a charity call? Was this "going through the motions" and faking it like he was doing (oh so well) before? If that's the case then I'm def. not calling back. Who needs it? But if he really wants to know how I'm doing and he does miss me, then I'd love to talk again. What do you guys think? Link to post Share on other sites
simplyconfused Posted June 9, 2005 Share Posted June 9, 2005 Just wanted to say sorry, because I realise how hurtful that must be. Im going through similar situation except that we been meeting up for 7 months and it was me that left him since he never loved me. I feel as if it's him though, because i really tried to make it work. By the way when he contacted you that last time I think it's because he misses you as well. After all you been together for so long. Link to post Share on other sites
suegail Posted June 10, 2005 Share Posted June 10, 2005 I would think that after what he said to you, if his intention were to be considerate of your feelings he would not call for quite a while or ever at all, knowing how you still feel about him. It just seems as if he should know that would make it harder for you, because already all kinds of things are going through your mind. Though he could be calling just because he is feeling some guilt over having hurt you and he wants to know that you're doing okay. That may be the entire reason, that he's trying to find a way to soothe his conscious. I know if I were you I would wonder and probably hope that he was missing me. You know, I honestly think I would not call him back. I'd wait it out and see what happens. That may not be the best advice - I don't know, but I think it would be the choice I would make. Link to post Share on other sites
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