When a girl hangs up on you ...

[meanthingsisaid]

This relationship sounds almost toxic

 

There is a trend here. Either it is "Dump her" or "Here is how you are horrible." You don't know the relationship so you can't judge it from one or two issues (vs. 100 issues that might be wonderful). This thread specially asks how would you handle that situation (of someone hanging up on you). That alone. I didn't ask you to dig other threads or evaluate the relationship as a whole. Thanks.

[meanthingsisaid]

No, she said goodbye. The fact YOU decided to keep talking anyway is what is irrelevant.

 

"to which she gets mad and says "Oh really... " ("is it like that?" kinda way) and as I try to explain I was not trying to jab or anything, I realize she is off the phone)"

 

You missed that part I think. If you ask a question after your goodbye, and if I am answering that question ... and you hang up, knowing I am talking, then that goodbye you said 45 seconds ago is irrelevant. Not sure what your problem is but you are really trying so hard (with your selective reading) to make me look bad.

[meanthingsisaid]

Yup, and she is now probably thinking "be careful what you wish for," because you may ending up getting way more than that .... and not in a good way.

 

Let me state that this was the first call of the day (not 19th) and it didn't last more than 15 minutes, which is way less than our nightly average. When I said I started to call and text her more before, I meant called but missed call (cuz she was busy at work), not phone conversations. So it wasn't overdoing it and it had nothing to do with 'be careful for what you wished for.' She got an attitude and despite me not calling her names or yelling, she thought she could act that way ... and still talk to me later during the night. You seem to try so hard to find a reason to excuse that rude behavior. There is no reason to hang on up someone. Period. That is not how adults communicate in relationship. And you shouldn't get into semantics what is a hang up and what is not. Everyone knows what is rude and what isn't. She wouldn't have done that to her boss, for sure. So, just stop it. It is bizarre you are justifying that when I know you wouldn't even talk to a guy who treated you that way.

[katiegrl]

Good luck OP. Wish you both the best.

[dreamingoftigers]

You both said bye.

 

I don't think that counts as a hangup.

 

But I agree that hanging up is rude.

 

Unless the person is saying something abusive less "you're a stupid [bleep]" or whatever. Then they should expect to be hung up on. No one needs to be sworn at or insulted.

 

Or when the person says over and over "I really need to go now, we'll talk later / some other time." And the person on the receiving end just keeps pushing and won't just say goodbye.

 

I'll be honest, my husband used to hang up on me a lot. It really pissed me off. So I started doing it back when I got mad. (Rare).

 

Both of us have grown up since then and gave discontinued that, luckily. I don't like it as a tactic at all.

[dreamingoftigers]

No, she said goodbye. The fact YOU decided to keep talking anyway is what is irrelevant.

 

Once me and another person say goodbyes I generally just flip the little button. I dintbtry listening to hear if they are still on the phone.

 

I've had it happen to me plenty of times where I've said "oh wait just a second......" And they're already gone.

 

I don't think it's about "screw you." It seems to be, "okay phone call done, button pressed, now on to the rest of my day." In a split second.

[dreamingoftigers]

Let me state that this was the first call of the day (not 19th) and it didn't last more than 15 minutes, which is way less than our nightly average. When I said I started to call and text her more before, I meant called but missed call (cuz she was busy at work), not phone conversations. So it wasn't overdoing it and it had nothing to do with 'be careful for what you wished for.' She got an attitude and despite me not calling her names or yelling, she thought she could act that way ... and still talk to me later during the night. You seem to try so hard to find a reason to excuse that rude behavior. There is no reason to hang on up someone. Period. That is not how adults communicate in relationship. And you shouldn't get into semantics what is a hang up and what is not. Everyone knows what is rude and what isn't. She wouldn't have done that to her boss, for sure. So, just stop it. It is bizarre you are justifying that when I know you wouldn't even talk to a guy who treated you that way.

 

I see a lot of "talking down" to someone going on here.

 

I recognize it because, *cough* *cough* .....I often drift there myself among certain people.

 

But this seems like a general thing.

I think if you said something along the lines of "adults don't do this" to your gf, that's pretty harsh criticism, bordering on contempt.

 

I can see her turning avoidant, annoyed and irritated.

 

It seems that tone was present near the end of your phone call as well.

 

Most people don't appreciate that and won't respond very well, regardless of social convention.

[katiegrl]

Once me and another person say goodbyes I generally just flip the little button. I dintbtry listening to hear if they are still on the phone.

 

I've had it happen to me plenty of times where I've said "oh wait just a second......" And they're already gone.

 

I don't think it's about "screw you." It seems to be, "okay phone call done, button pressed, now on to the rest of my day." In a split second.

 

Agree and think the OP is taking all this way too personally. JMO.

 

OP, I mean no disrespect I promise.

 

I just call it like I see it (always, in all my posts, not just the ones to you) ....not always right, just my own perspective based on things posted.

 

Again, good luck.

[meanthingsisaid]

Agree and think the OP is taking all this way too personally. JMO.

 

You have to realize while this particular one maybe a gray area hanging up incident (even though she basically asked "Oh, is that right?" after my GoodBye and most likely heard I was in mid-sentence answering that) there had been a clear-cut spoiled-girl hang up incidents in the past. So on that light, it does not look good. Whether this one was a misunderstanding or not, the issue remains. If someone hangs up on you, what do you do to stop that behavior?

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't understand where this attitude is coming from and ask her why she is being that way. I tell her it is one thing if we are arguing about something but I don't understand her tone when there is no reason to fight.

 

Okay I see at least two solid hints that she wants off the phone.

 

Did you find her friend or her choice to stand by her friend at all? Because I can see that coming across as a criticism.

 

Then after she wants off the phone, and isn't polite about being annoyed, you go on to give her a "attitude lesson."

 

I would be even more annoyed, like she was. I'd be nicer though. (I'm nice in person. I'm crabby on LS, its where I bring my pregnancy hormones for a workout).

 

She has a reason to complain. She wants off the phone. You want her to spend longer and now you're bugging her about her attitude. When she's already annoyed.

 

I miss social cues all the time, so watching this thread and thinking about it in slow-mo has helped.

 

Since she isn't a communicator like you are, she just resorts to "you're being annoying" etc. I hate that when people don't own it like saying "I'm annoyed right now, I just want to work out." But that's her way of expressing it (rightly or wrongly). I find it "attacky" but I can also see where she's being "attacked" on her side.

 

I can see that you are confused where this is coming from, and it stings. You, like me, like to dissect the crime scene before clearing it. She likes to regroup and just cool off. Tough go.

 

She again says she just wants to work out and she wants to get off the phone. I said okay, fine. She goes "Bye, [myname]" (which is strange because she usually ends it with I love you or Bye Baby) and I, obviously frustrated with the attitude, say "Bye, [hername]" (to which she gets mad and says "Oh really... " ("is it like that?" kinda way) and as I try to explain I was not trying to jab or anything, I realize she is off the phone). Very stupid, I know.

 

She's already past her "annoyed threshold" she isn't going to call you cute names.

 

You, feeling stung, return the hit.

 

She's even more annoyed and clips any further argument about it. Probably stewed for a bit and then received a text about "love and respect." Erg.

 

My husband is a " disconnect " and "reset" kind of person too. Lots of years to adjust to that.

 

I'm a "beat this to death until we find out the exact trajectory of the bullet that caused the argument." Most days, he can't handle that. But that's gotten better........after eleven years LMAO.

 

So now, after so many years of frustration, I give him that Chunk of space and then he often comes back to the crime scene and does the forensic analysis of the argument. It works much better than one pressuring the other for an instant resolution. (Him wanting instant space, or me wanting instant "Forensic analysis" plus issue solved.)

[dreamingoftigers]

You have to realize while this particular one maybe a gray area hanging up incident (even though she basically asked "Oh, is that right?" after my GoodBye and most likely heard I was in mid-sentence answering that) there had been a clear-cut spoiled-girl hang up incidents in the past. So on that light, it does not look good. Whether this one was a misunderstanding or not, the issue remains. If someone hangs up on you, what do you do to stop that behavior?

 

Now instead of seeing different conflict and emotional styles we're judging and calling her "spoiled."

 

She's calling you "annoying."

 

Who's winning, I lost track?

 

Oh right. No one.

[dreamingoftigers]

Agree and think the OP is taking all this way too personally. JMO.

 

OP, I mean no disrespect I promise.

 

I just call it like I see it (always, in all my posts, not just the ones to you) ....not always right, just my own perspective based on things posted.

 

Again, good luck.

 

As I have gracefully aged (I'm 33) I realize that stuff that really bothers people ranges from what I would consider trivial to crisis varies among others.

 

This really bothers OP. I won't minimize it.

 

When our partners do "screwy" things we don't understand, we often read them in a way that says, "what would I be if I was acting this way?"

 

In this case, the OP figures the behaviour indicates "spoiled" because if he did that, it would probably be because he was "spoiled."

 

Or something like that. It wasn't the best example.

[katiegrl]

As I have gracefully aged (I'm 33) I realize that stuff that really bothers people ranges from what I would consider trivial to crisis varies among others.

 

This really bothers OP. I won't minimize it.

 

When our partners do "screwy" things we don't understand, we often read them in a way that says, "what would I be if I was acting this way?"

 

In this case, the OP figures the behaviour indicates "spoiled" because if he did that, it would probably be because he was "spoiled."

 

Or something like that. It wasn't the best example.

 

No it made sense, and I get it, thanks.

 

What would not be considered personal to one person. ....may be very personal to another.

[dreamingoftigers]

Sorry, OP,

 

As for "what you do"

 

There's no definitive cure for what ails you here, because part of it is beyond your control.

 

Some things that might help:

 

1. Try to gauge both of your frustration levels when you talk, I have found over the years that there's honestly NO POINT trying to engage, especially on the phone when someone is cranky. Same as I realize bringing my daughter out to some places when she is whiny or tired just doesn't work. I can warn her, talk to her, threaten her (not really) but it won't stop the whine when we are in public if she's already whiny and tired. I let her reset before we go anywhere, or the situation becomes a powder Keg. I realize that your gf is not a six year-old. But I find the principle applies somewhat universally.

 

2. Set a boundary regarding the behaviour and be prepared to walk if it means that much to you.

 

3. Evaluate how much if affects you and if you are willing to sometimes accept it. I am not advocating for this, just providing another option.

 

I sympathize, its hard wanting to engage and connect with someone that seems to "short-circuit." That's about the most diplomatic way I can describe it.

[basil67]

There is a trend here. Either it is "Dump her" or "Here is how you are horrible."

 

To be fair, I think your description of the problem probably contributed to the Dump Her/Him comments you've received.

 

Generally speaking, most of us would interpret "hanging up" as slamming down the phone mid sentence in the midst of an argument. And if this kind of hanging up is happening frequently, then the relationship probably does have those dealbreaker type problems.

 

However, your issue is more about her ending the call before you're ready.

 

And given that it's not such a major thing, I reckon you can fix the problem using the following ideas:

 

1. When you talk to her about this (and you need to talk about it), don't use a phrase to the effect of "you hang up on me". Instead, talk about the fact that the call ends before you're ready. Avoiding blame will prevent arguments.

 

2. Find out when it's a good time to call. For example, if you know she likes to work out at 8pm on a Thursday night, call at 7:30 so that you've got plenty of time to chat

 

3. If she needs to end the call, respect that. Say goodbye to her and be done with it.

 

Also, think about the need for "lovey dovey" phone calls: You say she's asked for this as a change from frequent fighting. But "lovey dovey" isn't the opposite of fighting. (I don't know if that's your phrase or hers) Anyway, being all romance, sweetness and light isn't sustainable long term. I wonder if a better goal is to be able to discuss the day, thoughts and ideas while listening to each other and showing each other enough respect to not get into fights.

[meanthingsisaid]

Okay I see at least two solid hints that she wants off the phone.

 

I did too but there was no reason for her to not switch it to "Sure baby, how was your day. Let's chat a bit but I want to work out in 5-10 minutes though, okay?" because we didn't do that in the call, we just talked about that drug-addict girl.

 

Did you find her friend or her choice to stand by her friend at all? Because I can see that coming across as a criticism.

 

She actually told me to ridicule her (remember she said 'funny story'). She said a common friend of theirs told her that this drug-addict girl is trying to pawn her TV to buy drugs even though drug-addict girl is telling my gf she is clean now and wants to live with her for free. So my gf was making fun of the situation because she can see her games. That was the funny part. I personally am tired of hearing about his girl who is truly a mess and certainly doesn't deserve her 88th chance, so I told my gf she should stop enabling her and directly tell her she can't live with her (something my gf tells me but not her). She said it is hard when they have been friends since high school but she agreed with me so there was no disagreement there. She said she invited her to a hotel she is going to stay at for a week because she is gonna be homeless. I said "What after that?" ... and then didn't want to continue this convo and said "Hey, it is your life. I trust your judgement." (opposite of telling her what to do or controlling) which she got upset and reacted "What do you mean it is my life?" (at that point I realize there was an attitude ... just trying to pick an argument type). From my end I was thinking hey I don't wanna spend my time hearing about some drug-addict but even though I don't complain I am still getting an attitude?

 

Then after she wants off the phone, and isn't polite about being annoyed, you go on to give her a "attitude lesson."

 

Who talks like that? Do you say "You are annoying" to a friend, let alone your a guy you are dating? Am I the only person seeing that as super rude? I don't know about you people, and maybe I am too proper, but that is not how you talk to people whether you feel that way or not. No? And remember all that time I am still keeping my cool. It's not like I am saying anything back.

 

She has a reason to complain. She wants off the phone. You want her to spend longer and now you're bugging her about her attitude. When she's already annoyed.

 

Here is why I inquired about her attitude. I wanted her to tell me if something bothered her, rather than passive aggressive attitude change. Why? She has been complaining that we had too many ups and downs and I was catering her need of being called/texted as well as her other emotional needs. I did it in a calm manner ... so there would be no escalation that might result in a hang up or a fight.

 

"Since she isn't a communicator like you are, she just resorts to "you're being annoying" etc. I hate that when people don't own it like saying "I'm annoyed right now, I just want to work out."

 

The thing is she was home. There should be no difference between hopping on a treadmill at 8:00 or 8:15 p.m. She just wanted to get off the phone because something bothered her and she wasn't telling me. What is worse is she was being passive aggressive rude to me, even though I was being nice.

 

She's already past her "annoyed threshold" she isn't going to call you cute names. You, feeling stung, return the hit.

 

I didn't return any hit. If I hear Goodbye [myname], I can say Goodbye [hername]. She was the one annoyed that I said [hername] after goodbye. That is why she said "Is that right" (to which I was explaining I didn't mean to jab ... it was my neutral reaction).

 

She's already past her "annoyed threshold" she isn't going to call you cute names. You, feeling stung, return the hit.

 

Here is the problem. I don't want her to think that she can hang up anytime it is past her annoying threshold. By the way I can't give her space because she interprets as me ignoring her on purpose to teach a lesson, to which she gets even more mad.

[meanthingsisaid]

Now instead of seeing different conflict and emotional styles we're judging and calling her "spoiled."

 

Here is what I meant by spoiled hang up. Like if someone is cursing you out or calling you degrading names and you don't wanna hear that ... then you hang up. That I'd say is a forced hang up. But if you are hanging up because you don't like something in the convo (with an attitude 'whatever' 'I don't wanna hear it' "byeeee') then it is a spoiled hang up ... as in you hang up not because you feel like you have to (to prevent more abuse) but because you feel like you want to (because you think you can act that way and they can still talk to you anyway). So justified versus non-justified hang up. One is protection and the other is disrespect.

[meanthingsisaid]

Generally speaking, most of us would interpret "hanging up" as slamming down the phone mid sentence in the midst of an argument. And if this kind of hanging up is happening frequently, then the relationship probably does have those dealbreaker type problems.

 

Not frequently enough for me to end it right away but enough number of times for me to worry whether I will be in a disrespectful relationship where she thinks she can act that way when she is super annoyed. As I mentioned earlier once incident may be too light or open to interpretation but when there is a pattern (or if you think this may be a pattern) you start to worry and think about ways to stop that destructive behavior.

[sweet honeydew]

When a girl hangs up the phone on you ... what is the proper thing to do to get her to stop acting that immature and disrespectful? I don't call back for sure. But I often get a call back. It doesn't happen often but it does happen. Every single time I say it is immature and a sign of disrespect. Most times I get an apology but this repeats after a period of time. Some might say it is silly to end things over something like this but I do see it as the tip of the iceberg. Maybe I am talking to her too much? Do I cut down the phone time? What is the best thing to do here? The best way to put a stop to this?

 

it is very immature to handle any issues this way, if there were an issue to begin with. Sounds like it's not a one time thing either. If you want it stopped, you have to draw boundaries:

1. Let her know in no uncertain terms that this is not acceptable.

2. show her how you would like her to handle it (say I cannot talk right now, or even code words)

3. decide and state what the consequences would be if she does it again, (maybe you won't answer call for 2 days) , then if she does it again after that (maybe you can't keep seeing her). You have to decide what is the consequences you are comfortable with and stick to it.

[basil67]

Not frequently enough for me to end it right away but enough number of times for me to worry whether I will be in a disrespectful relationship where she thinks she can act that way when she is super annoyed. As I mentioned earlier once incident may be too light or open to interpretation but when there is a pattern (or if you think this may be a pattern) you start to worry and think about ways to stop that destructive behavior.

 

Now I'm really confused. Does she also hang up on you when she's mad? Like as in slam the phone down mid argument? Because that's way different to ending the call before you're ready.

 

Another thought: If she's getting super annoyed enough to make hanging up frequently an issue, then the fact that she's frequently super annoyed IS the issue.

 

I can't begin to work out the cause and effect here, but if one party is getting upset frequently, it's a sign that they could very much be on the way out of the relationship. Unless, of course, she thrives on drama....

[basil67]

Here is what I meant by spoiled hang up. Like if someone is cursing you out or calling you degrading names and you don't wanna hear that ... then you hang up. That I'd say is a forced hang up. But if you are hanging up because you don't like something in the convo (with an attitude 'whatever' 'I don't wanna hear it' "byeeee') then it is a spoiled hang up ... as in you hang up not because you feel like you have to (to prevent more abuse) but because you feel like you want to (because you think you can act that way and they can still talk to you anyway). So justified versus non-justified hang up. One is protection and the other is disrespect.

 

Is this what is actually happening or a hypothetical?

 

If she is actually hanging up in a 'whatever' kind of mood, what kind of things are you saying which she doesn't want to hear?

[GemmaUK]

She didn't hang up.

She also didn't ask you to ridicule her like you are saying she did. Saying 'funny story' is not an invite to ridicule.

Sounds like she just wanted to talk about 'something' rather than lovey dovey stuff which is boring to talk about.

A 15 minute call is fine, once she says she needs to go do something you need to respect that.

[meanthingsisaid]

Does she also hang up on you when she's mad? Like as in slam the phone down mid argument? Because that's way different to ending the call before you're ready.

 

That happened in the past. Maybe twice or so? Both times it caused even a bigger argument. Almost ended the relationship. She apologized. Agreed that it was not healthy. And we moved on.

[meanthingsisaid]

Is this what is actually happening or a hypothetical?

 

If she is actually hanging up in a 'whatever' kind of mood, what kind of things are you saying which she doesn't want to hear?

 

Actual but that happened really early in the relationship. It had nothing to do with what I said. It was just her attitude. She then realized it was immature and stopped.

[meanthingsisaid]

She didn't hang up.

She also didn't ask you to ridicule her like you are saying she did. Saying 'funny story' is not an invite to ridicule.

Sounds like she just wanted to talk about 'something' rather than lovey dovey stuff which is boring to talk about.

A 15 minute call is fine, once she says she needs to go do something you need to respect that.

 

No offense but you don't know what the f you are talking about. She did ridicule her and she even said embarrassingly "I feel bad about it but ..." (and lovey dovey talk was her idea and request) so stop making reaching assumptions to support your point.