When a girl hangs up on you ...

[GemmaUK]

No offense but you don't know what the f you are talking about. She did ridicule her and she even said embarrassingly "I feel bad about it but ..." (and lovey dovey talk was her idea and request) so stop making reaching assumptions to support your point.

 

I will ignore the verbal abuse.

 

 

In bold, this is not a request to be ridiculed.

[meanthingsisaid]

I will ignore the verbal abuse.

 

In bold, this is not a request to be ridiculed.

 

And I will ignore your biased nonsense garbage. This is about a phone hang up and disrespect. Nothing else. Don't try to pick things to say horrible things to me. Go away.

[dreamingoftigers]

Okay. Listen.

 

I tried to explain the "talking down to her" thing.

 

"Shoulds" are often a form of this, and are pretty alienating.

 

Since I don't seem to have the ability to communicate here in a compact sense, you've givene a list of reasons "why" you said what you said, but it doesn't seem to be very illuminating.

 

The funny part of it all, in a sense, is that you're still trying to flip her switch and not getting that the behaviour NO MATTER WHY is alienating. If she's alienated, she's alienated. She'll act as such and respond as such until she reaches some point in her personal growth where she re-evaluated that.

 

She doesn't respond well when alienated, and you alienate.

 

Could be minor, could be major. YMMV.

 

However, the alienating factor could be greatly reduced and thus reducing the overall problem.

 

I suggest reading Gottmann's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (can't remember if that's the exact title. Content is the more important part.)

 

I know that you aren't married, but considering your screen name is "meanthingsisaid" it seems like criticism, defensiveness and contempt (all demonstrated in this thread) might be a real issue. You can't force her to do her part, you can only decide what is and isn't acceptable to you. And you can improve your communication.

 

I don't care WHY you did it. I already kinda get it. I cycled through similar stuff for years.

 

Criticism, defensiveness and contempt nearly destroyed my marriage. When we went through counseling, the removal of that improved things dramatically within weeks.

 

When you start addressing your partners "character" in a negative way as opposed to the issues at hand, it causes damage.

 

Maybe this isn't the girl for you, you haven't been dating that long I gather, but that doesn't change that the pattern is easy seen to be there.

 

I'm letting you know early because trying to untangle months and years of hurt in an LTR or marriage really sucks.

 

I also get the feeling that you are one of the few who would take an actual interest in the topic as opposed to doing a complete blameshift to your partner.

[dreamingoftigers]

No offense but you don't know what the f you are talking about. She did ridicule her and she even said embarrassingly "I feel bad about it but ..." (and lovey dovey talk was her idea and request) so stop making reaching assumptions to support your point.

 

And I will ignore your biased nonsense garbage. This is about a phone hang up and disrespect. Nothing else. Don't try to pick things to say horrible things to me. Go away.

 

Wow. Never mind.

 

This says total blameshift. You appear to refuse any responsibility for the communication breakdown, and now decide to attack other members for their attempted help and opinions.

 

I don't think you are in any position to judge anyone on maturity in communication.

 

Tough pattern to break.

[meanthingsisaid]

Okay. Listen.

 

I tried to explain the "talking down to her" thing.

 

"Shoulds" are often a form of this, and are pretty alienating.

 

Since I don't seem to have the ability to communicate here in a compact sense, you've givene a list of reasons "why" you said what you said, but it doesn't seem to be very illuminating.

 

The funny part of it all, in a sense, is that you're still trying to flip her switch and not getting that the behaviour NO MATTER WHY is alienating. If she's alienated, she's alienated. She'll act as such and respond as such until she reaches some point in her personal growth where she re-evaluated that.

 

She doesn't respond well when alienated, and you alienate.

 

Could be minor, could be major. YMMV.

 

However, the alienating factor could be greatly reduced and thus reducing the overall problem.

 

I see your point. Okay.

 

I also get the feeling that you are one of the few who would take an actual interest in the topic as opposed to doing a complete blameshift to your partner.

 

Yes. Obviously I am on a relationship forum (and she is not). Whether this relationship works or not, I am trying to learn how to handle certain situations. That is why I find it super irritating when people just go with "Dump her" or "Something's wrong with you." Especially when they don't have the entire picture (and talking out of their ass just to make me look bad). It is just stupid. Your post, on the other hand, adds something to the discussion and makes good points. I have no tolerance for stupidity, sorry. More like "Sorry, not sorry" as the kids say these days.

[meanthingsisaid]

Wow. Never mind.

 

This says total blameshift. You appear to refuse any responsibility for the communication breakdown, and now decide to attack other members for their attempted help and opinions.

 

I don't think you are in any position to judge anyone on maturity in communication.

 

Tough pattern to break.

 

That isn't an attempt of help. It doesn't answer the original question. It just tries to tell me I am wrong by picking something out of the entire event, and even that is stupidly wrong even when I say no ... trust me.. it was, she even said that to me, it was meant to make fun of that girl in a lighthearted way. But no, someone comes with an agenda and nothing (even if it is the real scenario) can change their mind. That is not help. That is garbage. And I won't tolerate it. Go cry ... I don't care.

[dreamingoftigers]

I see your point. Okay.

 

 

 

Yes. Obviously I am on a relationship forum (and she is not). Whether this relationship works or not, I am trying to learn how to handle certain situations. That is why I find it super irritating when people just go with "Dump her" or "Something's wrong with you." Especially when they don't have the entire picture (and talking out of their ass just to make me look bad). It is just stupid. Your post, on the other hand, adds something to the discussion and makes good points. I have no tolerance for stupidity, sorry. More like "Sorry, not sorry" as the kids say these days.

 

Stupidity is relative. It goes with age, experience, perspective etc.

 

Decades ago they thought autistic people were just "stupid."

 

Today they find people like my sister are savants in memory and spatial relationships.

 

Judging people as stupid is looking down on them (I am not immune to this by far).

 

Thus I thump you repeatedly with my experience; cultivated through many years of related failure.

[basil67]

It had nothing to do with what I said. It was just her attitude. She then realized it was immature and stopped.

 

So you were saying something innocuous like "I had a busy day at work today" and she got attitude and hung up on you?

[dreamingoftigers]

That isn't an attempt of help. It doesn't answer the original question. It just tries to tell me I am wrong by picking something out of the entire event, and even that is stupidly wrong even when I say no ... trust me.. it was, she even said that to me, it was meant to make fun of that girl in a lighthearted way. But no, someone comes with an agenda and nothing (even if it is the real scenario) can change their mind. That is not help. That is garbage. And I won't tolerate it. Go cry ... I don't care.

 

Seriously?

 

Cry? LMAO.

 

Dude, its pretty clear how you handle yourself when upset.

 

Try rereading this when you aren't upset. It might stand out more.

 

When you post on a public forum, you'll get people that address the whole issue and some that address it in portions.

 

But yes, you have quite a bag of tricks there that range from the basics, to passive- aggressive to just rude. Pretty raw. But overall, has exactly ZERO effect on anything having to do with me. It's YOUR thread. Take or leave the advice. This isn't a paid service nor do most of us have a deep investment in one another. It's just something we try to pass on as a kindness (in general).

 

Read the book, don't read it. "It's your life."

 

But seriously, you've got some garbage to plow through regardless of gf and her hanging up. It's bedtime here. So that's it for me.

 

PS: people generally don't walk around with "agendas" to just mess with you. Especially if they don't know you at all.

[meanthingsisaid]

So you were saying something innocuous like "I had a busy day at work today" and she got attitude and hung up on you?

 

Not like that but something similar. For example, take that example I gave earlier where I said "Well, it is your life. I trust your decisions." (I said that so what I said didn't appear controlling -- that was basically me saying hey it is your life and your decisions, you are an independent woman, so it's really not my place to say whether she should stay with you or not, your house and your life) and she replied "What do you mean it is my life? (as if I don't care enough ... and she is on her own). In that case, she would have escalate it and said "I can't even ..." (whatever that means) and a few "Whatever .." followed by a mean word and hang up. Nonsense basically.

[meanthingsisaid]

Seriously?

Cry? LMAO.

 

That was a metaphorical phrase directed at the user who posted the garbage, not you. Don't take it personally.

[meanthingsisaid]

 

PS: people generally don't walk around with "agendas" to just mess with you. Especially if they don't know you at all.

 

You are pretty naïve, eh? There is a hardcore bitter men-bashing feministas here. If you ever say anything that they don't like (even remotely), they follow you in your other threads, dig your old posts, just to tell you how horrible, controlling, jealous, this and that you are. They contribute nothing to the thread and purposely dilute the conversation just to bash you. And I have zero tolerance for that. That is a provoked rudeness, not random outburst. Wake up and smell the coffee. I am new here and even I noticed that.

[ExpatInItaly]

Stop taking her return calls when she hangs up on you.

 

Send her a message that you are upset it happened again, and don't feel ready to speak yet because you don't want to risk another argument. Explain you simply would like some time to cool off before re-addressing the problem. Then, talk about it in person. Not on the phone. I have a feeling when she gets that you in fact will not tolerate it (which effectively you do, if you're answering her return calls) she will think twice before suddenly cutting the conversation off.

 

I get the sense there are bigger problems in the relationship, if she felt the need to request more loving communication. That type of underlying tension often manifests in snippy conversations, sarcastic comments, abrupt hang-ups, and so on. It would be wise to tackle the root of the problem too; communication is deeply affected by the overall climate of the relationship.

[meanthingsisaid]

Stop taking her return calls when she hangs up on you.

 

I usually do that but if I don't pick up the next day or some time, then she complains I am ignoring her.

 

Send her a message that you are upset it happened again,

 

I did. I texted:

 

-I told you a million times do NOT hang up on me.

-You asked if we could not fight for a week or three weeks but you are trying HARD to fight. Unhealthy. I hope you think about your actions. Have a nice evening.

 

She replied with a denial:

 

-I didn't hang up on you. I said goodbye and you said it right back (but I know her well enough to know she knows what she did and if she accepts that means she did something wrong and she doesn't want to do that)

-If you really feel that way then I just feel bad for you (another demeaning statement, in my opinion)

-You don't understand me whatever (I am thinking what is there to understand, you called me annoying and get off the phone while I was talking to you)

 

Then I said:

 

-You asked me to call and text more. I did. Because I care about your needs in this relationship. And I've been extremely loving and affectionate. Yet, I am being called annoying and being hang up ... and hear things like "I feel bad for you" because I wanted to talk to my gf? Don't take me for granted. I don't know who you think you are talking to but if you can't talk to me with respect & love, just don't talk to me.

 

I get the sense there are bigger problems in the relationship, if she felt the need to request more loving communication.

 

One time she complained like I never tell her I love you and she is the one calling and texting most of the time. Things like that. Regardless, we had some problems in the past and that is why I asked why is she acting that way and where does all that come from, just trying to understand the underlying reason she had that attitude. It wasn't about the work out, at all.

[ExpatInItaly]

I usually do that but if I don't pick up the next day or some time, then she complains I am ignoring her.

 

 

 

I did. I texted:

 

-I told you a million times do NOT hang up on me.

-You asked if we could not fight for a week or three weeks but you are trying HARD to fight. Unhealthy. I hope you think about your actions. Have a nice evening.

 

She replied with a denial:

 

-I didn't hang up on you. I said goodbye and you said it right back (but I know her well enough to know she knows what she did and if she accepts that means she did something wrong and she doesn't want to do that)

-If you really feel that way then I just feel bad for you (another demeaning statement, in my opinion)

-You don't understand me whatever (I am thinking what is there to understand, you called me annoying and get off the phone while I was talking to you)

 

Then I said:

 

-You asked me to call and text more. I did. Because I care about your needs in this relationship. And I've been extremely loving and affectionate. Yet, I am being called annoying and being hang up ... and hear things like "I feel bad for you" because I wanted to talk to my gf? Don't take me for granted. I don't know who you think you are talking to but if you can't talk to me with respect & love, just don't talk to me.

 

 

 

One time she complained like I never tell her I love you and she is the one calling and texting most of the time. Things like that. Regardless, we had some problems in the past and that is why I asked why is she acting that way and where does all that come from, just trying to understand the underlying reason she had that attitude. It wasn't about the work out, at all.

 

This isn't helping. I know you were angry but that text is only going to provoke her further isn't really conducive to solving the problem. (as evidenced by the hang-ups continuing)

 

Next time, keep it simple and non-accusatory.

"I need some time to cool off, as I'm unhappy that this happened again. Let's get together tomorrow to talk about it when we're both feeling calmer."

 

The communication between you two isn't very good, based on your descriptions throughout this thread. It sounds like you both react quickly and emotionally; it would help if you and she really take some time to step back and cool down before discussing the issues at hand. It appears there's a lot of resentment building between you two, and neither of you feels heard by the other. The texts exchanged are full of a "you always do XYZ and you are wrong"-type vibe. That only serves to make you both feel more defensive and resentful.

 

I can see that you've tried to accommodate her wish to speak more, initiate more contact and tell her you love her. That's a good step, but there's still a ways to go (from both of you, not just you) I think you need to discuss the relationship as a whole, in person; ask her how she's been feeling about it lately and be prepared to explain your needs too. Because the hang-ups and abrupt communication style are symptoms of deeper problems, at least in my experience.

 

A sincere question: throughout this thread I've noticed the way you've spoken to other posters when you feel attacked (go cry, calling them naive, telling them to go away, etc) Do you tend to use the same tone or vocabulary with your girlfriend when you're angry? I ask because if you do, that is part of the problem. If not, then disregard this comment.

Edited January 26, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[meanthingsisaid]

This isn't helping. I know you were angry but that text is only going to provoke her further isn't really conducive to solving the problem. (as evidenced by the hang-ups continuing)

 

I agree but I wasn't going to call her, after that, so the only way to explain my feelings was through text.

 

Next time, keep it simple and non-accusatory.

"I need some time to cool off, as I'm unhappy that this happened again. Let's get together tomorrow to talk about it when we're both feeling calmer."

 

Doesn't really work because if my cooling off lasts more than 2-3 days she declares a break up and does even more destructive things (like going on a dating site). Not ideal, I know.

 

I can see that you've tried to accommodate her wish to speak more, initiate more contact and tell her you love her. That's a good step, but there's still a ways to go (from both of you, not just you) I think you need to discuss the relationship as a whole,

 

She doesn't like the serious relationship talk most of the time and that makes it harder to dig into deeper problems (and solutions).

 

A sincere question: throughout this thread I've noticed the way you've spoken to other posters when you feel attacked (go cry, calling them naive, telling them to go away, etc) Do you tend to use the same tone or vocabulary with your girlfriend when you're angry? I ask because if you do, that is part of the problem. If not, then disregard this comment.

 

No. I don't talk to her that way. But I hate double standard. It pisses me off when I see there is a biased reaction (against men) here. If I were a girl asking that very same question I know most of those biased folks would have told me how horrible the guy was, instead of trying to find a way to justify this unacceptable behavior and tell me I am at fault. Hanging up the phone is immature, rude, and unhealthy for a relationship. Period. The original question is what to do when someone hangs up on you. Instead of addressing that, these people are saying maybe I was a dyck to deserve that and how I should tell them what happened. And even after I provide examples they find a way to paint the girl innocent and guy as evil. It's crazy. These folks digging my other posts to find a reason to justify her actions and call me names, which does nothing to add to this discussion. I really have no patience for that nonsense because this is real life. I wouldn't spend this much time on here if it wasn't important to me. For that reason, I have zero tolerance for biased feminist propaganda nonsense. To answer your question again, I don't talk to her this way. I was very calm and mature throughout this ordeal. Now I am trying to find out how to resolve such conflicts. People telling me dump her or how horrible I am really isn't gonna help that process. Therefore my attitude of either add something to this or GTFO and I will make no apologies for that.

[William]

Noting a number of reports on this thread, I'm closing it up for the morning crew to take a look at when they wake up. Me, I'm off to bed. Plenty of reading to last a few hours. Thanks for your participation!

[Robert]

Thread will remain closed, after a review it seems all sides seem to be throwing barbs and rather than take the time to clean up the thread and delete most of it it would be better if it just remained closed, hopefully the thread starter can take what info was garnered from this thread and put it to good use, thanks

Edited January 26, 2016 by Robert