Girlfriend Cheating with her EX? Clues on Linkedin

[MrBossMan]

I've been with my girlfriend for about 5 years now. Both in our 20's.

 

I was on Linkedin browsing people to add to my connections and I noticed my girlfriend's friend from work who we both have spent time with. My girlfriend has been there for about 2-3 years.

 

I looked at the friend's profile and on the right, there's a section that shows "People Also Viewed..." which are profiles that people viewed sometime before or after viewing the friend's profile. I see my girlfriend's ex boyfriend who moved away from our city before we were together.

 

So it looks like my girlfriend looked at his profile at some point because she's definitely the only connection between him and her work friend (and would be the only one looking at BOTH of their profiles). But though annoying, I'm not too upset by this.

 

Anyway, I look at his profile. It turns out that he's living in a city 4 to 5 hours from this one in a much smaller city/town. Wait...

 

My girlfriend and her best friend of almost 10 years took a trip there a few years ago. Her best friend's brother was having some kind of sporting event there and she tagged along.

 

She mentioned to me that while there, her best friend was mad at her about something to the point of not speaking to her, but she didn't say what it was. I was also mad at her for not responding to my attempts to contact her around that time, though it's possible it was the day before the trip. During the trip, I only got updates from her at night. She was there for a few days.

 

She came back with a sweater with the name of that town. The next year, she said she was invited to something else out there, but she canceled going at the last minute.

 

Fast forward to last year... summer.

 

My girlfriend was looking for a new job and filling out applications. I asked her if she heard back from any of them yet. She said, "Yes, just one in [that town]." I asked if she would be willing to move there and she said if it's worth it.

 

In retrospect, now I wonder why she was filling out applications for a place in a small town 4 to 5 hours away when we live in a big city with plenty of opportunities. And why THAT town of all places? There's literally maybe 20-30 cities and towns that are that size or bigger between here and there.

 

Oh, and it seems like she has added him on Linkedin, in the past maybe 3-5 months. I noticed that he's there, but only has a few connections, so I'm guessing he's new.

 

My questions:

 

- Is she cheating or trying to cheat?

 

- And what should I say or ask?

 

I was thinking of asking about her interactions with her exes and her past love interests in the present and while we've been together. Then I would ask why she's adding her ex.

 

Opinions, please. Thanks in advance!

[MrBossMan]

It just seems like way too much of a coincidence...

[RySant]

It just seems like way too much of a coincidence...

 

I bet my money that she cheated

 

LOL. Kidding aside, it's way suspicious AND uncanny. I maybe selfish, but I don't want my future partner any way near their ex for the next 10 years or so.

 

Possible actions:

 

- Squeeze the friend with whom your GF didn't talk for quite a while. She can tell you what exactly she became upset about.

 

- Confront your GF (Although, without any concrete proof, she'll definitely lie)

 

- Are you having problems in your relationship lately? Too many fights? Less romance, boredom etc.? Before you became an item, was she that devastated about her ex dumping her etc etc.??

[MrBossMan]

I bet my money that she cheated

 

LOL. Kidding aside, it's way suspicious AND uncanny. I maybe selfish, but I don't want my future partner any way near their ex for the next 10 years or so.

 

Possible actions:

 

- Squeeze the friend with whom your GF didn't talk for quite a while. She can tell you what exactly she became upset about.

 

- Confront your GF (Although, without any concrete proof, she'll definitely lie)

 

- Are you having problems in your relationship lately? Too many fights? Less romance, boredom etc.? Before you became an item, was she that devastated about her ex dumping her etc etc.??

 

We've had fights. And they usually happen around suspicious behavior.

 

The first half of this year, we were doing pretty good, but around when the job application thing happened, we started to have issues.

 

Do you think I should tell her to delete this and all other exes and see how she reacts?

 

Earlier this year and not long after we started to fight, she randomly asked to see my phone and went through it. Then she gave it back. I asked if she thought I was hiding something and she replied by asking, "are you?" I've never given her any reason to be suspicious and I've never been a cheater.

 

Maybe I should return the favor soon.

 

Yes, she was on again-off-again with him for years before us.

Edited January 26, 2016 by MrBossMan

[ExpatInItaly]

We've had fights. And they usually happen around suspicious behavior.

 

The first half of this year, we were doing pretty good, but around when the job application thing happened, we started to have issues.

 

Do you think I should tell her to delete this and all other exes and see how she reacts?

 

Earlier this year and not long after we started to fight, she randomly asked to see my phone and went through it. Then she gave it back. I asked if she thought I was hiding something and she replied by asking, "are you?" I've never given her any reason to be suspicious and I've never been a cheater.

Maybe I should return the favor soon.

 

Yes, she was on again-off-again with him for years before us.

 

This is strange, if she really didn't have a reason to want to go through your phone. What was said before she asked to look at it? Did she offer up hers as well? If not, you might be on to something here.

 

What other type of suspicious behaviour have you observed?

[meanthingsisaid]

We've had fights. And they usually happen around suspicious behavior.

 

You first think you had fights and that is why she acted the way she did. Then you realize she started those fights just so she doesn't feel super guilty about cheating on you.

[RySant]

I am not sure if it's cheating pointblank, but something is DEFINITELY going on here.

[lolablue17]

There isn't any real indication of cheating or even close to it, with the facts you've mentioned.

 

What bothers me is why didn't she tell you the reason she had the fight with her best friend? How come? And why didn't she tell you that she added her Ex as a friend.

 

You can just be vague and tell her that you expect her to come clean and tell you what she already should have already told you long ago - Time for confessions. You will not tolerate lies, deceptions or half truth. Don't answer to any of "What the f*** do you mean".

 

If she doesn't tell you anything then you can reveal your suspicions.

[jen1447]

Off the cuff I'd say your reasoning is a bit tortured here.

 

The way this often works is ppl get a 'feeling,' and then they start seeing 'evidence' everywhere they look, even in stuff that's really meaningless or benign. It's bc they want to find the evidence now and it's bscly just investigative bias. (You fall in love w/your theory and stop being objective.)

 

The way it should work ideally if you're Mr. Investigator is by following rules of evidence principles. But most ppl aren't actually Mr. (competent) Investigator.

 

The thing that complicates all this is instinct or intuition, which actually usually is right. You have a feeling sth's up bc of an accumulation of smaller flags that reach a tipping point to cause you to notice and register 'Suspicious Behavior.' That part's legit, but it's often confused w/paranoia that comes from supposed deduction that didn't come from intuition but just happening to notice some detail that got the chain reaction going.

 

And it sounds to me like that's where you're at. Solution is to try to calm down, stop playing detective, and see if your intuition still tells you anything's wrong.

[Space Ritual]

Maybe I should return the favor soon.

 

 

Regardless of how it looks, I implore you to NOT go down that road. That's something you can't undo and although it may temporarily make you feel better then you have lowered yourself to that level.

 

I agree that in toto all of this looks suspicious, and even if it turns out she still has some relationship on the side, you don't have any Proof..at least not yet.

 

Before proceeding please consider if you want to commit to this person and perhaps marry her, or do you feel like getting rid of her now. Please think about it, as there are arguments to be made supporting both sides of that.

 

She mentioned on a trip back there that one of her friends got angry and was pretty much holding her persona non grata. Is that still the case? If so and you are dead set on finding out if something happened, maybe that would be a good place to start.

 

I just want to provide you with a bit of caution here that if you are going to go into detective mode, that you need to play it close to the vest and not let the cat out of the bag. The reason I say this is that enough time may have transpired since that visit that you may not get the real truth. I totally understand your need to get the truth, I just caution you to not let that need cost you your sanity

 

I guess what I am saying is that you may want to save yourself the effort of the detective work and just dump her now. Because you may not like what you find out, if you are even able to find anything out.

 

Good Luck whatever you decide to do and please keep us posted

[Space Ritual]

You can just be vague and tell her that you expect her to come clean and tell you what she already should have already told you long ago - Time for confessions. You will not tolerate lies, deceptions or half truth. Don't answer to any of "What the f*** do you mean".

 

If she doesn't tell you anything then you can reveal your suspicions.

 

I know you are trying to be nice here, but....

 

Come on Lola, you know as well as I do that cheaters only will admit to what somebody can prove, and even that it's like pulling teeth. Being vague will only let the cat out of the bag and she will have the upper hand and know he has NOTHING but a thought in his mind and she won't admit to jack squat.

 

 

If OP does this he might as well just dump her. He'll get no blubbering mascara dripping Eureka moment from this one after so much time has elapsed. If he goes that route she will laugh in his face and go screw this guy out of spite.

[MrBossMan]

Hmm... good points, guys.

 

Here's an update:

 

Years ago, she has crossed the line and has done what I consider emotional cheating twice with an ex and a former love interest and I came really close to walking. With the ex, she told him (behind my back) of a family gathering where his mother was attending. When he came to pick his mom up, I came across them awe-struck by each other. With the past love interest, she was flirting with him by text.

 

She once, after about a year together, said she wants to stay in contact with exes (the same year but after the previously mentioned emotional cheating). Afterwards, she seemed like she realized she was wrong because she started agreeing and saying that she shouldn't let yesterday interfere with her present.

 

The day I noticed this stuff (about 2 or 3 days ago), I posted a vague status about yesterday ruining today. I've also hardly been talking to her. Before all of this, she was giving me attitude for no reason and now she's acting extra nice. So today, she posted something along the lines of: she needs to drop the baggage of yesterday and free herself up for the present (or something like that).

 

It seems like another "coincidence," but it looks like she might know that I might know SOMETHING.

Edited January 26, 2016 by MrBossMan

[Chi townD]

Umm... I don't know if she's cheated. I mean, I never heard of anyone making a cheating connection between a person and LinkedIn. But, her looking through your phone during a fight and her putting applications in to that small town where he lives (the Ex) is a bit too suspicious. But, then she had an opportunity to go see him again and she turned it down. So, it seems a bit weird.

 

 

I have a feeling that she's still in contact with him. And she's weighting the options of getting back with him if he's interested. Problem is, I can't gage how common their contact is.

[MrBossMan]

Solution is to try to calm down, stop playing detective, and see if your intuition still tells you anything's wrong.

 

I only started looking into things after she started becoming noticeably suspicious.

[MrBossMan]

her putting applications in to that small town where he lives (the Ex) is a bit too suspicious. But, then she had an opportunity to go see him again and she turned it down. So, it seems a bit weird.

 

 

I have a feeling that she's still in contact with him. And she's weighting the options of getting back with him if he's interested. Problem is, I can't gage how common their contact is.

 

Yes, that's what I'm thinking, too. Even if she didn't go there that one time, just the fact that she was supposedly invited by completely different friends to go to the same exact town for something completely different is a dead giveaway to me.

 

She canceled because she was behind on a project and needed to stay to work on it.

 

...

 

She needed a few days to herself to work on this project and seemed overly upset by the situation...

[jen1447]

I only started looking into things after she started becoming noticeably suspicious.

 

I thought you starting looking into it after you found the 'clue' on LinkedIn?

[MrBossMan]

I thought you starting looking into it after you found the 'clue' on LinkedIn?

 

The clue on Linkedin = suspicious.

[jen1447]

The clue on Linkedin = suspicious.

 

Right, which is the point I'm making - it's not legitimately suspicious in and of itself. It just got you geeked up and now you're seeing bad guys hiding in the bushes and all that.

[MrBossMan]

Right, which is the point I'm making - it's not legitimately suspicious in and of itself. It just got you geeked up and now you're seeing bad guys hiding in the bushes and all that.

 

I'm sorry, Jen, but I simply don't agree with you on that. Thanks for your help.

[Space Ritual]

Hmm... good points, guys.

 

Here's an update:

 

Years ago, she has crossed the line and has done what I consider emotional cheating twice with an ex and a former love interest and I came really close to walking. With the ex, she told him (behind my back) of a family gathering where his mother was attending. When he came to pick his mom up, I came across them awe-struck by each other. With the past love interest, she was flirting with him by text.

 

She once, after about a year together, said she wants to stay in contact with exes (the same year but after the previously mentioned emotional cheating). Afterwards, she seemed like she realized she was wrong because she started agreeing and saying that she shouldn't let yesterday interfere with her present.

 

The day I noticed this stuff (about 2 or 3 days ago), I posted a vague status about yesterday ruining today. I've also hardly been talking to her. Before all of this, she was giving me attitude for no reason and now she's acting extra nice. So today, she posted something along the lines of: she needs to drop the baggage of yesterday and free herself up for the present (or something like that).

 

It seems like another "coincidence," but it looks like she might know that I might know SOMETHING.

 

Thanks for the update...

 

Not surprised by it either, sadly.

Based on the update....

 

You may have inadvertently showed your hand by posting the status that you did and her responding in kind. I would assume based on that and her sudden turnaround from cold to being overly nice she knows something is afoot and that something is "off".

 

Again I just would say to you that if you want to expend the energy of playing Colombo, I understand. If I were a younger man than I am now with a fairly long term relationship under my belt, and this happened, given the series of coincidences and how they are starting to fit together, then I would probably do it until I found an answer on my own.

 

However, and please realize I am saying this as a guy who is now in my fifties with a lot of experience in the negative column of relationships and who has not exactly had a stellar track record of picking partners, take or leave the following.

 

I wasted a lot of time trying to fix broken people, and my reward for doing so was to wake up 20 years later, very angry and resentful towards not only myself for the time I wasted, but towards the women I wasted the time on. Hence now my relationships are purely for physical purposes only and with the most shallow I can lay my hands on. I learned through my own mistakes that If I had very low expectations then there was absolutely no way I would ever be disappointed again. You don't want to end up like that, man.

Stuff like that snowballs. Believe me, it does. The Block is always fun to try to run around, but when you have been around it , then its not so much fun anymore.

 

 

And that is a terrible realization to wake up to, especially when age and physical appearance is limiting your banging pool even further. You may think it is funny, but Fifty rolls around a lot quicker than you think. I still date women way younger than me but for very short durations and they usually work fairly odd hours and have stage names like Smokey or Storm.

 

You actually have a chance to not have that happen to you. Based on your update, even though it is a fairly recent these developments have come to light, I really don't think you are going to like the answers that you seek.

 

I am kind of the resident Prophet of Doom around these parts as a few of the fellow posters would be more than happy to tell you. So again. take what I say with a boatload of salt. I just think you are going to be wasting your time in detective mode unless you can keep a poker face and see it all the way through. Trading statuses that are thinly veiled threats like you two exchanged is not keeping a poker face. If she has any nefarious moves planned, you just telegraphed your keeping an eye on her, and allowing her a reshuffle that she can deal out to you that will look like a Heart flush and actually be a pair of 2's. lol. Like I said to Lola, cheaters only admit to what the other person can prove, and then sometimes not even that.

 

Life is too short to play spy. Make a clean break and save yourself the headache wasting energy on somebody that is not over their ex.

 

Just my opinion, but I think this relationship will soon see it's last sunrise either way you play this.

[road]

We've had fights. And they usually happen around suspicious behavior.

 

The first half of this year, we were doing pretty good, but around when the job application thing happened, we started to have issues.

 

Do you think I should tell her to delete this and all other exes and see how she reacts?

 

Earlier this year and not long after we started to fight, she randomly asked to see my phone and went through it. Then she gave it back. I asked if she thought I was hiding something and she replied by asking, "are you?" I've never given her any reason to be suspicious and I've never been a cheater.

 

 

 

 

 

Maybe I should return the favor soon.

 

Yes, she was on again-off-again with him for years before us.

 

 

 

 

The bolded text scares me for it is a sign that happens all too often when a WW is cheating they become paranoid that their BH maybe having an affair. Their mind set: gee my BH has no clue I'm banging my OM, hmmmmm, maybe BH has an OW and is doing her, I better check out what BH is up to.

 

 

The nerve of my BH trying to cheat on me, say's the WW.

[kgcolonel]

My thinking is that it sounds more like reminiscing on her part. Doesn't exactly sound like cheating IMO.

[MrBossMan]

Thanks for the update...

 

Not surprised by it either, sadly.

Based on the update....

 

You may have inadvertently showed your hand by posting the status that you did and her responding in kind. I would assume based on that and her sudden turnaround from cold to being overly nice she knows something is afoot and that something is "off".

 

Today, she was giving me attitude again for no reason via text (she was at work). I haven't seen her in a few more days than usual so I was trying to figure out what her schedule is and she was intentionally acting like she was too busy to hang out every single day.

 

At first, I pretended not to notice, but then I mentioned that I know she's angry. She denied it, but full of sarcasm, more attitude, and also counter-accusations of me "being judgmental and bringing negative pre-conceived notions to her. I say that I have to talk to her about something, but face-to-face and when she's home.

 

She seems to panic and calls me defending herself and saying that I'm not being fair to her and I'M treating her bad, blah blah blah. I refused to respond to anything, saying she has an attitude and I'm not going to argue with her.

 

I then had a back-and-forth with her and hung up on her at one point because she wouldn't listen. She kept calling back and when I finally picked up, I said I told her I didn't want an argument. She says she'll listen, but even letting me speak, it's like she's not really hearing me.

 

Eventually, I tell her that I have to go and she pleads with me to leave her with some kind of positive thing to say to her and that everything is going to be ok, but I really had to go. I said, get home safe and I'll talk to her another time. She protested, but that was it.

 

 

I wasted a lot of time trying to fix broken people, and my reward for doing so was to wake up 20 years later, very angry and resentful towards not only myself for the time I wasted, but towards the women I wasted the time on. Hence now my relationships are purely for physical purposes only and with the most shallow I can lay my hands on. I learned through my own mistakes that If I had very low expectations then there was absolutely no way I would ever be disappointed again. You don't want to end up like that, man.

 

I hear you.

 

Trading statuses that are thinly veiled threats like you two exchanged is not keeping a poker face. If she has any nefarious moves planned, you just telegraphed your keeping an eye on her, and allowing her a reshuffle that she can deal out to you that will look like a Heart flush and actually be a pair of 2's. lol. Like I said to Lola, cheaters only admit to what the other person can prove, and then sometimes not even that.

 

That's true. Even with the evidence, they deny it.

 

I'm planning to have the talk with her next week and I'll try to ask in a way that doesn't give away what I'm getting at, though, like you said, its very possible that she already has an idea.

 

I'll start by asking what her friend was mad about when they went on that trip.

[MrBossMan]

The bolded text scares me for it is a sign that happens all too often when a WW is cheating they become paranoid that their BH maybe having an affair. Their mind set: gee my BH has no clue I'm banging my OM, hmmmmm, maybe BH has an OW and is doing her, I better check out what BH is up to.

 

 

The nerve of my BH trying to cheat on me, say's the WW.

 

Yes, I've heard of this many times. Also, they may be looking for something to accuse YOU of to not feel so bad about themselves.

 

I literally gave zero signs of me doing anything wrong and she did it out of the blue. That was maybe 3 months ago.

[MrBossMan]

My thinking is that it sounds more like reminiscing on her part. Doesn't exactly sound like cheating IMO.

 

It's possible, but she keeps either going there, trying to go there, mentioning there, applying for jobs there...

 

Oh, and guys...

 

She has stopped there as a rest stop on her way to farther places by bus at least once and possibly twice. She even posted about stopping there and seemed to be just a little to fond of it, but she has never said why. She talked about how she couldn't stay (it was a blog post).