3 months post-BU, still hurting

[jas098]

Hello, first time ever posting online about anything like this. I don't do relationships, I've only been in 2, but I've been so hurt and mixed up with emotions I thought I'd reach out for some help. Been dwelling on this very hard as it's my first serious break up even though I'm 26 so not too young. I'll try to keep it as short as possible.

 

I was with my girlfriend for basically a year and a half, 6 months exclusively dating/FWB and a year officially together. She knew before we ever got intimate that I didn't want a relationship. I've always had a hard time putting my heart out there hence why I've only been in 2 relationships. We met at our old work and started as FWB. The most our relationship went through was a few breaks. A couple during the FWB/dating where she was falling for me extremely fast and I felt bad as she knew I didn't want a relationship, the 2nd break by her because she felt I'd never fall for her. Then a couple during the relationship because I was scared/confused. Every time we got back together within a week or so and everything was fine.

 

We were the couple all of our friends used to tell us they are jealous of. All of our friends relationships constantly went through arguments, drama, all that stupid stuff. We always questioned why any of them did the things they did to each other. Me and her never once had an argument, never got mad at each other, and got along perfectly. She was a quiet, extremely nice girl, never seen her mean once. I was always 100% honest with her, no matter the situation. Honesty has always been my biggest thing.

 

Our official break up happened because I felt confused and started getting distant. She noticed and asked if we should just end things and I told her I guess. I did feel like I was losing interest but wasn't sure. I figured out it was because it was my first good serious relationship and I've been hurt before I kept putting a wall up whenever I'd start to fall.

 

A couple weeks passed with no contact. I felt so hurt and wanted her back. It was a feeling I've never felt, I actually felt heartbroken for the first time ever and it was awful. Couldn't eat, sleep, or do anything. During these 2 weeks she contacted my mom a couple times through text telling her she missed her, and my mom talked to her about how I actually came to my mom and talked to her about everything which was a big step since I've never talked to my mom about relationship stuff. My mom treated my gf like a daughter so they were pretty close.

 

I went to contact my ex and she ignored me for a day. The next day I asked her to please not ignore me and to talk to me. It was through text. She answered and was obviously cold asking me what I wanted. I understood she was probably hurt as I was too. She pretty much was just ignoring me. Next thing I know I get a message from some random guy on facebook telling me to back off I'm making her mad. Of course my heart dropped and I drove straight to her house and blew her phone up to talk. She ended up coming out and I asked her if she was talking to somebody else already, she played dumb til I mentioned the guys name and told me it was just a friend she was venting to. This was the first time I could tell she ever lied to me. The way she looked away when she answered. I'm pretty good at reading people that I know. She said she just wanted a little space and needed friends. Right there I knew something was up. Me and her best friend are good friends so I talked to her about it. My ex even told her that it was just a friend she was venting to. Nothing more. She could see how broken I was breaking down about everything in front of her but she just didn't care.

 

Next day she avoided me again, ignoring me. So the day after that I went to her work when she was getting off. I was broken down again and I asked if she could come over to talk and she snickered and said no she had to do stuff with her mom and family stuff in the A.M. So I went and bought a card, wrote my heart out in it, and went to her house late at night to put it on her car but her car wasn't there. I knew something was up. Went on facebook and that guy messaged me AGAIN telling me he'd call the cops if he finds out I show up at her house or work again. I messaged him back telling him I'm sorry if I got in between anything, I'm just really hurt right now and she never told me she was moving on. I'm not a bad guy I'm just trying to figure things out. If she is please tell her to let me know.

 

I blew up her phone cuz I was so distraught. I end up getting texts from her phone telling me she heard what I said to this guy and to move on, shes ****ing this guy now, and all kinds of ignorant stuff. Hurt so much. This guy ends up answering the phone laughing at me and hangs up, doesn't say a word. Come to find out she was at the bar with this guy and he was the one texting from her phone and it wasn't her. This guy even had the nerve to text my mother some ignorant stuff acting like my ex. That's the only reason I found out it was him and not her, because she told my mom "sorry that was my friend". My mom tried talking to her, she said she was out cuz she needed space, time to herself, and that's it. They weren't messing around. Even her best friend was trying to tell her to think before she acts, she believes she's making a mistake, she's been hurt before and knows where she's coming from but not to act irrationally. Next day she tells her best friend and my mom she's moving on.

 

Her best friend tried telling her she will be there for her no matter what but she knew I was a good guy and she thinks it could have worked out and she's throwing it away. My ex ends up telling her this guy is so amazing, treats her better than anyone ever has, and all kinds of stuff. Soooo she ended up cutting off her best friend, cut off my mom, cut me off, cut off all mutual friends, everybody for this guy. Blocked her best friend, me, and my mom, asap on facebook. Left our mutual friends on there but doesn't speak to them. Ends up in being official with this guy 2 days later. Honestly it just doesn't seem normal. Everybody was shocked.. my family, her best friend, our old co-workers, literally everybody. Nobody has EVER seen this side of her. What she did was extremely heartless. I've never been so hurt before in my life.

 

I understand we were broken up so really she could have done whatever she wanted.. but the way she went about things blindsided me. I was surprised she moved on in 2 weeks that fast, and was that cruel about everything. She's now been with him for 2 months. I've never once disrespected her, yelled at her, put her down, or anything. I was always honest with her. So for her to treat me that way and do a 180 was a surprise to everybody.

 

Even if she just told me the first time "sorry I'm moving on, I don't want this relationship anymore" and started dating this guy, so be it. I could see things maybe working out in the future if it came down to it. I understand she didn't owe me anything since we were broken up, but I felt she should have at least respected me because I always respected her by being open and honest with her no matter the situation. Even after the way her and this guy treated me I STILL never was mean to him OR her. She never texted me apologizing for any of the disrespectful stuff or anything. Just deleted my from her life that quick.

 

So here's some things I've learned, and things I just want to go over about me and her.

 

HER:

- When me and her started talking she JUST got out of a relationship, she said the same things about me she's saying about this guy fairly quick. I'm amazing, treat her better than anyone, etc. I'm starting to think she clings onto the first person that shows her interest when she's down.

 

- I think I might have just THOUGHT we had a perfect relationship. Come to find out (her best friend told me of course after all of this) she used to tell her best friend things that bothered her like I didn't text as much as she wanted me to or hang out as much as she wanted.. minor things but she never told ME. I can't read minds. For example: She jokingly told me once "you're a butt at texting" while laughing and poking me. She knew I never texted ever anyway even when she was around me. She never told me "you should text me more it bothers me we don't talk as much as i'd like". Which brings me to my next point.

 

- She doesn't know how to communicate. I used to talk to her about my personal problems all the time and tell her things that bothered me. Not ONCE did she ever come to me with a problem or anything. Looking back it doesn't seem normal. Everything was always perfect. Also whatever "I" wanted she was fine with no matter what.

 

- She has OCD but never talked to me about it. All I know is she takes medicine for it. I found out it comes with anxiety. Depending on the severity of the anxiety I'm starting to think this causes her to avoid conflict completely. Which is why we never had an argument or disagreement. I've seen her get upset and worry over a few extremely minor things. She may have some type of emotional issues that aren't connected with this though.

 

ME:

- I understand the breaks me and her had probably took a toll on the relationship, I need to learn to not get scared. It probably pushed her away and made her insecure with the relationship.

 

- I can see I started taking things for granted, thinking she would always be around no matter what.

 

- I should have texted her more and showed her more attention, though I didn't know she wanted more of that and I didn't do it enough. It's not like I barely did, I guess it just wasn't enough for her.

 

Sorry this is waaaay longer than I thought, felt good to type it though. Feels relieving in a way.

 

I guess where I'm stuck is. I can't stop feeling regret and guilty, like if I didn't break up with her we would still be fine. Some days I feel like I lost "the one" because we got along so well that everything was perfect. If I could have just not pushed away when falling for her we would be okay. Most of the problems seemed fixable if we were more open about them. The push/pull from the breaks probably messed with her emotions even though there weren't many, but we never had any other problems. I was always just honest with her about how I was feeling. I almost feel like this guy just manipulated her because she was vulnerable at the time. I mean look at how he acted. The immature things he was saying to me and even my mother. He obviously has a screwed up side to him. Who does that? Especially to someones mother. Of course they are all lovey dovey right now but this guy has some shady true colors if he can act that way to people he doesn't know. But then some days I feel like it was a blessing in disguise because I would have never seen this side of her or looked at everything from a different perspective and noticed the communication problems. I don't know how to move on. It's been such a roller coaster some days I feel good some I just want to break down again.

Edited January 26, 2016 by jas098

[PLT]

I'm sorry I don't have any advice really. But, I know your pain. I am in a reasonably similar situation. Different circumstances but I ended it, and I feel heart broken. Mine was more recent too. A week today. NC has not gone well at all. I've tried but I'm weak when it comes to my ex. I just have to keep trying.

 

A few things to keep telling yourself;

 

- Focus on the here and now, don't worry about what the future may or may not hold.

 

- If this person really wants to be in your life. They will let you know. Try not to waste your time hoping. whether or not you "wait" for them, the end result will be the same so why worry about it.

 

- The best thing you can do for yourself now is to spoil yourself. Treat yourself how you would be treating her if you were together. Trust yourself, respect yourself, buy yourself gifts, love yourself.

 

I need to learn to take my own advice!

Edited January 26, 2016 by PLT

[jas098]

I'm sorry I don't have any advice really. But, I know your pain. I am in a reasonably similar situation. Different circumstances but I ended it, and I feel heart broken. Mine was more recent too. A week today. NC has not gone well at all. I've tried but I'm weak when it comes to my ex. I just have to keep trying.

 

A few things to keep telling yourself;

 

- Focus on the here and now, don't worry about what the future may or may not hold.

 

- If this person really wants to be in your life. They will let you know. Try not to waste your time hoping. whether or not you "wait" for them, the end result will be the same so why worry about it.

 

- The best thing you can do for yourself now is to spoil yourself. Treat yourself how you would be treating her if you were together. Trust yourself, respect yourself, buy yourself gifts, love yourself.

 

I need to learn to take my own advice!

 

I know the feeling of learning to take your own advice lol. I've been 2 months of NC. I've messed up a couple times and got on another account to check her facebook, learned the hard way. It's been a few weeks since I've done that though.

 

Honestly as much hurt that I feel still, I think if it came down to it I wouldn't take her back even if she came back. Part of me does want to hear from her because I never had any closure, she just purposely hurt me and disappeared.. but then part of me doesn't because I don't think there is anything she could say at this point that would make me feel better. If she would have handled things differently then I could see it working out. She probably thinks the same about the original break up though. I never purposely hurt her like she did me. This whole ordeal would just sit in the back of my head.

 

I just can't stop beating myself up because I kind of did it to myself. All the "what ifs, should haves, and could haves" eat me up.. I wish she would have told me to text her more and show more attention like she wanted, but if it was meant to be then it would have. And I feel if she was truly "so in love with me" 2 weeks prior to her new boyfriend, she couldn't have did was she did and moved on so fast. I almost feel like she just gets infatuated.

Edited January 26, 2016 by jas098