I've been on all sides of breakups-ask me anything

[Brando]

I thought I would share some of my story and maybe you folks can bounce any questions you have off of me. I am a 30 year old male. I've had 4 relationships that I consider serious.

 

1. Dumpee and cheated on 2. Mutual split as we were unhealthy for each other 3. I dumped 4. I was dumped

 

17yo-19yo- Dated a girl in high school. She was my first love. She cheated on me multiple times. Broke up with me multiple times. She would always take me back if whatever guy she was trying to be with or cheating on me with did not work out. I spent at least a year being a doormat and having my heart broken over and over. We still speak from time to time. The best revenge is being the best you. She was "the bullet I dodged!!"

 

21yo-23yo- I was in the military. Met a girl the same age as me and we fell hard in love. I went on a couple deployments over our 2 year marriage (yes, we got married after 3 months haha). She was a good girl, but definitely had some issues. I am very laid back and calm, but she was a fighter! When she got mad she would throw things and hit me and it was completely out of control!!! We decided it was just too unhealthy and parted ways. Her ex boyfriend paid for our divorce. I talk to her about once a year now. She is no longer part of my life, but in my experience ex's do always come back in some form. I am yet to get back with an ex or have even had an ex want to get back with me after time has passed.

 

24yo-27yo- I was finishing college at this point and ready to begin law school (I ended up starting a business instead). I met my neighbor. She was absolutely beautiful (prior NFL cheerleader). Anyway, we fell hard for each other immediately. We did long distance after a month of dating. I was living in Cali for 6 months, but left to come back to Florida to be with her. After a year she was pregnant. We got engaged and moved into a house. About 3 years into the relationship I started to feel different. I cannot explain why or how, but that's just how it went. I met another girl and that's when I pulled the trigger and broke up with her. I did not cheat (physically at least), but a month later I was with the other girl.

 

28yo-Current- Me and this girl dated for 2 years. She was amazing!! Beautiful, educated, kind, funny. We never fought. Life was good, but I carried a ton of guilt into the relationship from the previous and couldn't give this girl 100%. I never talked about the future with her and she kind of just felt like I was casually dating her for 2 years. As much as we loved each other and as great as our chemistry was she felt like we weren't going anywhere. She broke up with me 3 months ago to the date. We stayed in contact until about 2 weeks ago. We hung out, had fun and hooked up, but we were distant when we weren't in each other's presence. I tried to make it work, but she was already checked out. She weened herself off of me slowly and then went NC. I was (am still) grieving the loss of her. I too went no contact to heal myself. In my experience when it's over.....it's over! She aint coming back haha.

 

Sorry it's long, but I've had experience on all ends of the breakup spectrum and have learned so much!! I would be glad to answer any questions you have.

 

Perspective of dumpee, perspective of dumper, how to accept and move on, heartbreak, ex's coming back.....anything....please ask!! It helps me to let it out too!

[DarkHorizon]

Thanks for your words, Brando.

It all shows that, in the end, most of it happens outside our control. Sometimes, love vanishes the same way it appears, and when it happens, there is no reasoning, no reasons behind, absolutely no answers to search for.

 

And that's okay.

[contel3]

How was it like to leave the ex for your last girlfriend? I've always imagined leaving for someone else as fun, easy and the quickest way to get over a break up. Like...best of both worlds. Also I always imagined the dumpee gets erased from the dumpers mind more or less the minute they start liking the new person. I've been left for someone else several times, but never been able to do it myself. Sometimes I wish I did:D

[Brando]

It's a mixed bag of emotions. On one hand I had this new (better in my eyes at the time) exciting thing starting. The chase was on!! The strategic texting, first date, first kiss, first hookup.

It felt great to have new and exciting after a 3 year relationship I felt was stagnant. On the other hand (when I was not occupied with my new love) it felt dark and I had a ton of guilt. I assume this is because I was engaged to the previous girl and had a kid with her.

Honestly, if we didn't have the kid together I think I would have never spoke to her again and forgotten her after a short while.

It is fun. It is exciting. However it's not something I believe is a good thing to do, but life is life and people do what they do.

I don't want to romanticize leaving someone for someone else. It does leave you some guilt. In a perfect world I would have broke up with my girl....grieved the loss, learned some lessons, healed and then moved on.

Instead I hopped from one to the next and carried all my bad relationship habits I had from one girl to the next. Karma came and bit me hard....girl I left for dumped me after 2 years. Girl I left is better than ever and in a happy relationship......

[Just smile]

Okay so tell me. Even though you're fairly young , why do u guys do the disappearing act and then resurface , and don't mention sex because my man is older guy and sex definitely is not on the top of the list .

[Silver_star]

Thank you for sharing your experiences.

It is interesting to see from the other side.

 

 

I was dumped by a guy who left me for someone else he had a crush on.

It is interesting because he was excited for this new relationship, but still came back to me during his relationship with this girl, and was seeking some kind of comfort from me, maybe to ease his guilt, and maybe to get his closure.

 

 

I could never really understand his selfishness, or why this other girl seemed so much better to him than me. I am still dealing with that.

 

 

What made you fall in love with someone else?

[Brando]

Just smile. There may be a couple reasons. I disappeared because what I had was "new and exciting." Even after I left her I tried hard to "keep her on the line." It was an ego things. I had a fallback option and when I saw her moving on I went crazy and tried to tell her not to do it and maybe we can work things out. I knew I didn't want her, but I certainly didn't want someone else to have my safety net!!! I did all this while I was in a different and happy relationship. I would have went back of the girl I left for didn't work out.

 

I hate saying this stuff because most people on here are suffering (myself included haha), but all I am trying to do is be honest and give perspective.

[Brando]

Guilt wa apart of it too! I felt bad and wished I could have had them both. Sounds crazy, but I wanted to be with the new girl, but never let the old one go (probably out of ego and having to watch her move on).

In my opinion nothing makes someone fall out of love. I still thought my ex was kind, smart, beautiful, but the feeling wasn't there. I don't have an answer for that and that was awful because dumpees ask why....and dumpees offer any reason that might ease the pain and remove guilt. No reason a dumper gives is valid. Truth is...the feeling just isn't there.

Don't ever feel like you aren't as good as the girl he left you for. I look back and if I stacked up the qualities of both girls....the first one was better, but if the feeing isn't there...it just isn't.

Don't compare...to another guy you will be 10000x's better!!! I promise! Some people like pizza some don't...doesn't make pizza not good (silly I know, but it's my best analogy).

[Just smile]

At the risk of sounding really stuck up and conceited , my situation is quite different , my guy is not attractive , bald and slightly overweight , pot belly , looks like he could be my father truthfully , the girls are not knocking his door down, he's no Casanova , although he does look to have his ego stroked , meaning, he frequents bars, over tips barmaids , over shares his life with these women and even lied to me once to go out to eat with two lesbians he met at his bar . All of which I found odd.

 

I never suspected cheating . He breaks it off with me when he can't handle my attitude or my personality etc etc. then after being alone for long periods of time, he misses me. Reaches out etc.

 

I fell in love with him because of how he made me feel at the time , which was many years ago. We laughed together, had a blast and always had a great time wherever we went . Those traits weren't easy to find in a partner. But we found them in each other. The relationship was on his terms though. I did most of the leg work which has become exhausting. Literally exhausting .

[Brando]

In my opinion justsmile. A guy who is unattractive or not seen as a catch probably has a lower self esteem and needs to be validated and seeks validation. A good looking, conident man doesn't need to try to seek validation (over sharing, over tipping etc.). So when a guy with low self esteem gets any type of validation he may run to it.....just my thoughts

[Just smile]

I think you're right and it really bothered me that at times he would seek attention in that manner. He grossly overtipped people , men and women alike but more so women , especially if they paid attention to him. God forbid they took too long to serve he would get up insulted and leave.

 

I remember going to lunch at one of his " hangouts" and the bar maid knew more about where he had been the week prior than I did ?

 

Unsettling.

 

 

Ps. I've been crying for over an hour and frankly want to punch myself in the face lol

[RySant]

Karma came and bit me hard....girl I left for dumped me after 2 years. Girl I left is better than ever and in a happy relationship......

 

Are you still part of your kid's life or did you let go of that right altogether?

[Finalchapter]

My ex did what you did to your third ex. He left me because of lost feelings and started dating someone else. But he would always try to reach out to me and send flirty texts while he was dating her. After a while he broke up and led me to believe that he wanted a sincere reconciliation. However, the confusion sprang up again and now we are nowhere. I am not sure why he does this... I understand the safety net thing, but why hurt someone whom you once loved?

[BYH]

how bout an ex that doesn't want to commit but continues to pop in and out of your life every few months just to tell you he misses you but still doesn't want to commit....he has plenty of options for casual sex with no obligations, yet he continues to pop in and out of my life toying with my emotions!!!

[Paradigm]

how bout an ex that doesn't want to commit but continues to pop in and out of your life every few months just to tell you he misses you but still doesn't want to commit....he has plenty of options for casual sex with no obligations, yet he continues to pop in and out of my life toying with my emotions!!!

 

Its because you care. It's not as validating with a stranger. He is also taking you for granted, and will keep coming only when he needs it as long as you allow him to.

[DoritoLover]

Hi Brando

 

I split with my long term girlfriend (6 years) at the beginning of December 2015, we kept in contact until early January because of financial matters that needed resolving. I then went into No Contact, 2 weeks in she contacted me, we hung out and she told me she would like to have me in her life, but just as a friend. We went through a lot together and were very close.

 

I tried to be just friends, we hung out at her place, talked a lot, laughed a lot, just had fun together, we slept together once during this time but that got kinda brushed aside as a 'one for the road' type of deal.

 

Long story.... I still love her very much, I've not told her this and I've not done any begging or pleading, just straight talk. I told her that being friends was not helping me to move on and I needed some time to myself... I didn't hear from her or contact her for 10 days, then my birthday came around and she wanted to see me. I agreed and the whole 'I want you in my life as a friend' thing started again. I considered it as we both moved to a new city together in March last year and she's the closest person I have here, she's the one that would always talk to me about my day, the little and the important stuff.

 

She called me tonight and I told her that I couldn't just be friends, I suggested some time to myself and said if after a while she's fancied having a clean slate and maybe dating instead of just hanging out. She replied that she just wanted to be friends and said she missed having me as a part of her life and to 'see how things went as just friends.

 

Again I told her that I don't think i can do that right now but when I've had some time and moved on that it might be possible.

 

I'm now very upset again and feel like I've gone back to December 2015 when we first broke up. I feel like calling her back tomorrow and saying that I'd like to give friendship a go. But I also know that it might be a painful ride for me as I still care about her deeply. What advice do you have for me?

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Anyone else on this thread is very welcome to give me some advice too. I know I've been posting a lot recently, so sorry if my situation is getting boring for you guys, I'm just very confused and the outside perspectives on here really do help.

 

Thanks.... another sleepless night.

[Brando]

Are you still part of your kid's life or did you let go of that right altogether?

 

Oh ya. I have a her half the time and I am still great friends with her Mom.

[Brando]

My ex did what you did to your third ex. He left me because of lost feelings and started dating someone else. But he would always try to reach out to me and send flirty texts while he was dating her. After a while he broke up and led me to believe that he wanted a sincere reconciliation. However, the confusion sprang up again and now we are nowhere. I am not sure why he does this... I understand the safety net thing, but why hurt someone whom you once loved?

 

I did the same thing as him. It's so selfish and so wrong, but I did it because I still loved her and cared about her, just not enough to be with her. I think people imagine that I was sitting there texting and "keeping her on the line" with all bad intent and plotting. Really my subconscious drove me to do these things. Reflecting after quite some time I can identify what I was doing and why.

 

She was my safety net....I just didn't realize the damage I was doing.

[Brando]

how bout an ex that doesn't want to commit but continues to pop in and out of your life every few months just to tell you he misses you but still doesn't want to commit....he has plenty of options for casual sex with no obligations, yet he continues to pop in and out of my life toying with my emotions!!!

 

Don't allow it anymore. You have to go NC until you don't care if/when he pops into your life. I would guess when he pops up he is lonely or misses the connection you shared, but once her gets in contact and sees it affects your emotions he gets his fix and carries on with his life.

[Brando]

Hi Brando

 

I split with my long term girlfriend (6 years) at the beginning of December 2015, we kept in contact until early January because of financial matters that needed resolving. I then went into No Contact, 2 weeks in she contacted me, we hung out and she told me she would like to have me in her life, but just as a friend. We went through a lot together and were very close.

 

I tried to be just friends, we hung out at her place, talked a lot, laughed a lot, just had fun together, we slept together once during this time but that got kinda brushed aside as a 'one for the road' type of deal.

 

Long story.... I still love her very much, I've not told her this and I've not done any begging or pleading, just straight talk. I told her that being friends was not helping me to move on and I needed some time to myself... I didn't hear from her or contact her for 10 days, then my birthday came around and she wanted to see me. I agreed and the whole 'I want you in my life as a friend' thing started again. I considered it as we both moved to a new city together in March last year and she's the closest person I have here, she's the one that would always talk to me about my day, the little and the important stuff.

 

She called me tonight and I told her that I couldn't just be friends, I suggested some time to myself and said if after a while she's fancied having a clean slate and maybe dating instead of just hanging out. She replied that she just wanted to be friends and said she missed having me as a part of her life and to 'see how things went as just friends.

 

Again I told her that I don't think i can do that right now but when I've had some time and moved on that it might be possible.

 

I'm now very upset again and feel like I've gone back to December 2015 when we first broke up. I feel like calling her back tomorrow and saying that I'd like to give friendship a go. But I also know that it might be a painful ride for me as I still care about her deeply. What advice do you have for me?

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Anyone else on this thread is very welcome to give me some advice too. I know I've been posting a lot recently, so sorry if my situation is getting boring for you guys, I'm just very confused and the outside perspectives on here really do help.

 

Thanks.... another sleepless night.

 

You cannot be friends with her!! I promise. My ex and I continued as if we were together for almost 3 months after the breakup. We hung out every couple days, slept together, and dated. When we weren't together contact was very limited and it broke my heart every time a phone call was denied, a text went unanswered and so on. It sucked. Then about 3 weeks ago she sent a long text saying she couldn't keep it up and she was going to go NC to heal and move on and I should too. This felt like a brand new breakup. I went 3 months having my heart broken multiple times.

 

Being friends will never work for you!! You will always want more and eventually one of you will move on (probably her because she initiated the breakup). Can you handle her telling you about the new guy, or asking you for advice, or maybe even meeting him?? Can you handle it if she meets someone and then just goes complete NC on you out of respect for her new man? I really doubt it!

 

If I were you, I would be direct and let her know what you want (as maturely and strong as you can, without sounding desperate or needy). Something quick and honest. Ex. "Look, I still have feeling for you and I think we can work everything out and build a strong relationship. This is what I want. I cannot be your friend at this time, maybe one day down the road we can be friends. If and when you decide you want the same things as me, if I am still willing and available we can go from there, but please, id you do not then give me my space and respect my healing."

 

In your own words obviously. After you say that though it's time to go true no contact unless you get a 100% "I'm ready, lets reconcile" from her. If you drag this out without full commitment you will continue the hurt and it will only be worse.

 

Sleepless night.....ohhhh I've had many, many of them recently. I listen to podcasts at night if I can't sleep. I take sleeping aids if I feel like it's going to be a rough one.

 

You can't control her or what she decides. After you say your piece....it's you time! That's all you can do is focus on yourself and healing. Good luck my friend...it sucks...I'll be on here to talk further if you want.

[Wanderer1]

Hello..

she felt alone and dumped me.. last time i talked to her it was the 11th jan, should i talk to her?

Edited February 1, 2016 by Wanderer1

[RySant]

Hello..

she felt alone and dumped me.. last time i talked to her it was the 11th jan, should i talk to her?

 

I suggest that you create your own thread so that people here will be able to help you more on your problem.

[Brando]

Hello..

she felt alone and dumped me.. last time i talked to her it was the 11th jan, should i talk to her?

 

I read your story. Honestly, I think you need to let it go, go NC and heal up. You see, you might think it was your fault and she didn't think you cared enough so she broke up with you, but that sounds a little off to me. I think if she cared enough she wouldn't have broken it off....the "We are breaking up talk" instead would have been "You haven't been giving me enough in the relationship, this is what I need from you to make this work....."

 

What would you want to gain from talking to her? If you're indifferent and you really don't have expectations or care (which it doesn't sound like this is you yet), then contact her. I wouldn't though.....

 

If she doesn't answer or if she answers and tells you something that will hurt worse (she has someone else, she doesn't want to meet you, she doesn't love/miss you) then you will feel like you've just been broken up with again and it will be very painful.

 

She dumped you, I'm sure you pleaded your case at some point in this situation, so she knows you care. Go NC and heal. If at some point she reaches out, beware of breadcrumbs....

 

Learn from your mistakes...next time you're with someone you don't want to lose make sure they are getting what they need from you and the relationship. Don't beat yourself up about it though, sounds like this girl just needed an out....god forbid she owns her feelings and just tells you she doesn't feel the same.

 

Hang in there, go NC, use this site, rebuild new friendships (don't be fighting with your friends about a girl), there are plenty of them! Good luck. I'll be here if you want to ask anything else. Glad to give my 2 cents..it helps me as well.

[Ajen]

What's the biggest or most obvious sign it's over? I feel like it's over but I've felt like that before but the ex has come back. If they block you on everything is that definitely it?

[Brando]

What's the biggest or most obvious sign it's over? I feel like it's over but I've felt like that before but the ex has come back. If they block you on everything is that definitely it?

 

When I've been the dumper it is usually over before I actually called it off. At that point it hasn't felt right for some time and those feeling kept building until I decided I had to end it. Being on the receiving end of a breakup it's usually over when the breakup conversation went on, but it's harder to accept the reality of the situation.

 

I think no matter what (especially if you're blocked from everything) you should consider it over and start healing. I mean, what's the point of hanging on? You will only be hurt again when your attempt at reconciliation falls on deaf ears, you get ignored, you get told no, you get told they are with someone else now, etc.

 

They did the breakup...they thought long and hard about it....weighed the pros and cons and decided their life would be better without you in it. So go NC and start healing. If at some point they reach out (don't count on it) you can go from there, but don't be strung along or anything.