Beware of the "no contact" rule!

[renny]

I'm going to give a short version of my situation. The full story is posted if you care to read it. Me and my ex broke up for about a month. I tried the no contact rule, and limited our interactions to the bare minimum. Come to find out that she had met and started dating someone else within that time. I decided to break the stalemate and approach her about it to get closure. We met up later in the week, had dinner and a long talk. I put my feelings and regrets out there about being broken up, and so did she. The night ended well and we decided to spend the following weekend together to sort things out and see if there was anything left to fight for. It went great, and we're currently in the process of getting back together.

 

I feel like this. Relationships are like zebra stripes. None are the same. The NC rule is not a cure all. Yes it can work, but it can also backfire, and accelerate the break up you're trying to avoid. You know your ex, and sometimes you should follow your heart, and listen to what it's telling you, as well as paying attention to the situation. I read so many relationship blogs that said the same thing DONT CONTACT HIM/HER. While your maintaning your distance and doing nothing, this could very well be misinterpreted as not giving a crap. The ex may be hurting, but they're still living, shopping, hanging with friends, social things that leave them open to meeting, and moving on with someone else.

 

I not saying that no contact doesn't work sometimes, what I'm saying is sometimes you need to put pride to the side and follow your heart because it very well may bring hope to a hopeless situation, and put you and your ex on the path back to each other.

[JDam]

Well, but the thing is... That NC is not supposed to manipulate him/her into getting back together. It is a rule that should be applied when you need to heal and get over someone. I broke it recently because my ex contacted me only to be bitterly disappointed again. NC should never be broken unless they say they want to get back together and the dumpers make all effort necessary. They were the ones to end it and they must also be the ones to initiate reconciliation.

[DarkHorizon]

NC is NOT a tool for reconciliation and should not be used as one.

 

If you want to get back with your ex, go ahead and try whatever you feel it could work. But keep in mind that, for many here, reconciliation is not an option because we simply don't want to have anything to do with that person anymore.

 

I would also say beware of trying to use No Contact if you think that could be used to make your ex jealous or missing you, or anything. This is not supposed to be applied with a "secret agenda". If you want to move ON from the relationship, NC is for you.

[Brando]

You are correct. NC does not work to get someone back. In my experience....if you are broken up with you tell the person something along the lines of "I respect your decision, but I think this can be worked out. Tell them you still love them and want to fight for the relationship." If at some point they decide to give it another chance they know how to reach you.

Maybe if nothing is said for a week or so one can reach out again and ask if they would be willing to meet up and maybe talk some stuff out (in the most mature, non-needy way!). If they don't respond or say no you go NC and move on.

 

NC is to heal yourself!!

[wendieann]

If they don't respond or say no you go NC and move on.

 

NC is to heal yourself!!

 

Absolutely. I haven't heard from X at all. Even when I have reached out and wanted to work things out. Tears my heart out to be rejected each time he doesn't respond.

 

Protect your heart.

They don't want you then.

[Redhead14]

I'm going to give a short version of my situation. The full story is posted if you care to read it. Me and my ex broke up for about a month. I tried the no contact rule, and limited our interactions to the bare minimum. Come to find out that she had met and started dating someone else within that time. I decided to break the stalemate and approach her about it to get closure. We met up later in the week, had dinner and a long talk. I put my feelings and regrets out there about being broken up, and so did she. The night ended well and we decided to spend the following weekend together to sort things out and see if there was anything left to fight for. It went great, and we're currently in the process of getting back together.

 

I feel like this. Relationships are like zebra stripes. None are the same. The NC rule is not a cure all. Yes it can work, but it can also backfire, and accelerate the break up you're trying to avoid. You know your ex, and sometimes you should follow your heart, and listen to what it's telling you, as well as paying attention to the situation. I read so many relationship blogs that said the same thing DONT CONTACT HIM/HER. While your maintaning your distance and doing nothing, this could very well be misinterpreted as not giving a crap. The ex may be hurting, but they're still living, shopping, hanging with friends, social things that leave them open to meeting, and moving on with someone else.

 

I not saying that no contact doesn't work sometimes, what I'm saying is sometimes you need to put pride to the side and follow your heart because it very well may bring hope to a hopeless situation, and put you and your ex on the path back to each other.

 

The no contact rule is not a tool of manipulation for reconciliation. It is implemented for the purpose of allowing the parties to move on, grieve and accept the situation. And, just because you two are attempting reconciliation, doesn't mean it's going to work. Whatever issues caused the break up need to be addressed and resolved once and for all if the relationship is going to stick. My point, is, you may be rowing a sinking boat again and going through this again.

[Chi townD]

I'm going to give a short version of my situation. The full story is posted if you care to read it. Me and my ex broke up for about a month. I tried the no contact rule, and limited our interactions to the bare minimum. Come to find out that she had met and started dating someone else within that time. I decided to break the stalemate and approach her about it to get closure. We met up later in the week, had dinner and a long talk. I put my feelings and regrets out there about being broken up, and so did she. The night ended well and we decided to spend the following weekend together to sort things out and see if there was anything left to fight for. It went great, and we're currently in the process of getting back together.

 

 

 

Then, you were never IN NC! You still had contact with her and still injected yourself in her life in some way shape or form. I'm just going to be blunt here. You were never in NC, so you really can't criticize something you never tried!

 

 

And what about this other guy? Dude, he may still be in the picture. You may not be out of the woods just yet.

[Brando]

I am going to say this too...I also went pure NC with my most recent ex for about 2 weeks after the breakup. I then reached out and she came over and we were as good as ever! Hung out, had fun, hooked up! It was great. I thought....wow I got my girl back haha.

For about 2 months we had very limited contact, but would get together for dates every few days and hook up.

About 2 weeks ago.....ghosted!!! Haha. She sent a long message saying she wasn't coming over and it was time to move on.

 

I can laugh now, but I had my heart broken a few times in a 3 month period. To be blunt...do not think you are reconciling with her until it happens and it should be her idea.

 

In my case she weened herself off me and off the relationship. Then she rather felt comfortable enough to be single or she found someone else....

 

I'm glad I could ease her pain and help her through the guilt and loss of breaking up with me (haha sarcasm!!)

 

Don't count you chickens man......good luck to you, but from my experience, your setting yourself up for breakup #2.

 

I've also lead my ex on (who I dumped). Slept with her, dated her and she thought we were working things out. A new girl caught my eye and I was out in the blink of an eye.

 

^^I'm not proud of this, but we don't know what we are doing until we are older and wiser and can reflect^^

 

Watch yourself buddy...you're in dangerous waters........

[renny]

The thing about it is, a lot of people DO use the NC rule as a tool to get an ex back. Mistakenly trying to wait their ex out, hoping they will break and call. I've lost track of how many times I've read about people, doing NC, but agonizing about "why isn't she/he calling/texting me?" no NC should not be used as a tool, and breakups are no game. They're painful and devastating. When I tried it, I damn near lost mine, trying like a lot of people to play it cool and hope, not realizing what was really going on. Now if you're truly trying to move on, or she makes it crystal clear that she has by words and actions. NC is absolutely what you should do. But if you know there is still something left salvage, and you love this person, you have nothing to lose by breaking NC and giving it a final shot.

[renny]

Then, you were never IN NC! You still had contact with her and still injected yourself in her life in some way shape or form. I'm just going to be blunt here. You were never in NC, so you really can't criticize something you never tried!

 

 

And what about this other guy? Dude, he may still be in the picture. You may not be out of the woods just yet.

 

I broke N/C because I had property of hers that I wanted to give back. And the interaction consisted of a brief, to the point text. Nothing about the relationship

[Simon Phoenix]

LIke Chi Town said, you can't really blame No Contact when you didn't actually go No Contact. And, like has been said, No Contact is a healing and moving forward tool, not a tool for manipulating your ex into feeling something for you.

[cupcakebunny]

The thing about it is, a lot of people DO use the NC rule as a tool to get an ex back. Mistakenly trying to wait their ex out, hoping they will break and call. I've lost track of how many times I've read about people, doing NC, but agonizing about "why isn't she/he calling/texting me?" no NC should not be used as a tool, and breakups are no game. They're painful and devastating. When I tried it, I damn near lost mine, trying like a lot of people to play it cool and hope, not realizing what was really going on. Now if you're truly trying to move on, or she makes it crystal clear that she has by words and actions. NC is absolutely what you should do. But if you know there is still something left salvage, and you love this person, you have nothing to lose by breaking NC and giving it a final shot.

 

Most - if not all NC recommendations - tell you not to do this. If you use it to try to get someone back, at it's core it's incredibly manipulative and sort of dishonest. Why would that person want to be with someone like that?

 

 

Like seriously, as with ANYTHING in a relationship, you have to be honest. That includes sucking it up and saying "I love you and I'm sorry can we please try again and I promise I will work on [insert problem here]". If that doesn't work, then you have to respect the decision of the person that left the relationship. Breakups suck, usually there is a party that is not happy it happened -- sometimes it's both -- but there is a reason that it did. Go true NC, reflect on it/cry/sob/be angry, work on accepting that you have to move on and it will hurt.

[RandomTraveller]

It's obvious that the no contact rule it's NOT supposed to work 100% of times cause every single one of us is different. We only know (based on documentation we have) that works a lot (almost always from what I personally read!)

Anyway the no contact like others said is supposed to fasten up ur healing process!

 

It also has chances to make an ex back, anyway is not the goal of the majority of ppl around here

 

Like many others I realized after breakup that my girlfriend is not the right person 4 me so no contact is fundamental to me

[mightycpa]

I'm going to give a short version of my situation. The full story is posted if you care to read it. Me and my ex broke up for about a month. I tried the no contact rule, and limited our interactions to the bare minimum. Come to find out that she had met and started dating someone else within that time. I decided to break the stalemate and approach her about it to get closure. We met up later in the week, had dinner and a long talk. I put my feelings and regrets out there about being broken up, and so did she. The night ended well and we decided to spend the following weekend together to sort things out and see if there was anything left to fight for. It went great, and we're currently in the process of getting back together.

 

I feel like this. Relationships are like zebra stripes. None are the same. The NC rule is not a cure all. Yes it can work, but it can also backfire, and accelerate the break up you're trying to avoid. You know your ex, and sometimes you should follow your heart, and listen to what it's telling you, as well as paying attention to the situation. I read so many relationship blogs that said the same thing DONT CONTACT HIM/HER. While your maintaning your distance and doing nothing, this could very well be misinterpreted as not giving a crap. The ex may be hurting, but they're still living, shopping, hanging with friends, social things that leave them open to meeting, and moving on with someone else.

 

I not saying that no contact doesn't work sometimes, what I'm saying is sometimes you need to put pride to the side and follow your heart because it very well may bring hope to a hopeless situation, and put you and your ex on the path back to each other.

Sounds like you got lucky... for the time being. You say you're "in the process" of getting back together, which tells me that you're not exactly back together; something is holding you back meaning in fact, you are still broken up. You just think you have a chance at fixing what's wrong. You might, but I will counsel you to be prepared for some disappointment that is beyond your control. It sounds like it's still early in the game. NC may yet be in your future with this girl, so let me explain it to you and dispel your misunderstanding about it.

 

NC is indeed a cure all. It is for people who want or at least recognize that they need to be out more than they want/need to be back in. It is about severing a relationship, and nothing else. It is not meant to repair one. That's why it doesn't matter what she thinks about whether you care or not, or if you're throwing away another chance. It's all about throwing away all your chances, on purpose, without recourse, and changing your desires and perspective.

 

So here's the difference in our perspectives: You don't seem to take the breakup seriously. I don't know who started it, but if it was her, then you don't seem to take her seriously. If it was you, then I'd say you had some serious communications problems if you broke up to get her attention. But I think she had reservations, and I'll bet she still does. Beware.

 

For me personally, I've never, ever considered getting back with an ex after a breakup. I figure one of two things is true. Either the dumper was serious, and it is the end, or the dumper uses drama as a way to resolve conflict. Whatever the conflict, if you have to resort to breaking up in order to fix it, well, for me, that's going too far. I never ended a relationship I intended to keep, and anybody that would end one with me is not worthy of that relationship with me. I guess that's really the difference in perspective. The good news is that while I did suffer the occasional "I wonder if she cares?" pangs of uncertainty, and while I may have given the wrong impression with my silence, I became stronger, savvier, and completely non-regretful in the end. NC turned out just fine. I just had to weather the discomfort, that's all.

Edited January 26, 2016 by mightycpa

[renny]

I am going to say this too...I also went pure NC with my most recent ex for about 2 weeks after the breakup. I then reached out and she came over and we were as good as ever! Hung out, had fun, hooked up! It was great. I thought....wow I got my girl back haha.

For about 2 months we had very limited contact, but would get together for dates every few days and hook up.

About 2 weeks ago.....ghosted!!! Haha. She sent a long message saying she wasn't coming over and it was time to move on.

 

I can laugh now, but I had my heart broken a few times in a 3 month period. To be blunt...do not think you are reconciling with her until it happens and it should be her idea.

 

In my case she weened herself off me and off the relationship. Then she rather felt comfortable enough to be single or she found someone else....

 

I'm glad I could ease her pain and help her through the guilt and loss of breaking up with me (haha sarcasm!!)

 

Don't count you chickens man......good luck to you, but from my experience, your setting yourself up for breakup #2.

 

I've also lead my ex on (who I dumped). Slept with her, dated her and she thought we were working things out. A new girl caught my eye and I was out in the blink of an eye.

 

^^I'm not proud of this, but we don't know what we are doing until we are older and wiser and can reflect^^

 

Watch yourself buddy...you're in dangerous waters........

 

It's all about communication man. I'm not flying blind here. We literally spent hours talking about everything. She held nothing back, I was pissed about some things I heard, but that's why things are going in a positive direction. We're being honest with each other. She even showed me the text that she sent to the other dude, letting him know it was done. Your situation sounds like you and your ex were playing silly games, so it's not surprising you guys split probably for good.

[renny]

Most - if not all NC recommendations - tell you not to do this. If you use it to try to get someone back, at it's core it's incredibly manipulative and sort of dishonest. Why would that person want to be with someone like that?

 

 

Like seriously, as with ANYTHING in a relationship, you have to be honest. That includes sucking it up and saying "I love you and I'm sorry can we please try again and I promise I will work on [insert problem here]". If that doesn't work, then you have to respect the decision of the person that left the relationship. Breakups suck, usually there is a party that is not happy it happened -- sometimes it's both -- but there is a reason that it did. Go true NC, reflect on it/cry/sob/be angry, work on accepting that you have to move on and it will hurt.

 

This is all I'm saying. Be honest and follow your heart. Its what I did. Using NC for the wrong reason can backfire, it almost did for me until I came to my senses. I didn't go over there begging and pleading. That's the one thing that she says changed her mind. I didn't give her a sales pitch. I said what I needed to say, and left it up to her.

[darkbloom]

A) You're not in no contact.

B) She is dating someone new.

C) You've only been broken up for less than a month. What work have you done to fix the issues that caused the breakup in the first place?

D) NC is NOT a tool to manipulate your ex into getting back together with you. E) You're back together. For now. You'll be back when all of this blows up in your face.

[Brando]

Of course it's about communication. OP im just stating my experience and letting you know I've been in your shoes. I've had long talks of reconciliation. I have felt like we were getting back together. We are both experienced adults. We don't play games. It was more like a matter of heart saying yes and brain saying no. Was it the cleanest break ever?? No, but there was not manipulation or games. I went NC to give her space and let us both reflect. We then met back up started to work it out. She was just very conflicted and obviously decided I was not for her.

I really do wish you the best and hope it works for you. I've had a very similar experience to yours. I also defended our reconciliation....it just didn't go the way I wanted and I suffered for it. Just want you to watch yourself....wish you the best of luck and really hope it works for you....because I know I wished it had for me!!

Edited January 27, 2016 by Brando

[renny]

Of course it's about communication. OP im just stating my experience and letting you know I've been in your shoes. I've had long talks of reconciliation. I have felt like we were getting back together. We are both experienced adults. We don't play games. It was more like a matter of heart saying yes and brain saying no. Was it the cleanest break ever?? No, but there was not manipulation or games. I went NC to give her space and let us both reflect. We then met back up started to work it out. She was just very conflicted and obviously decided I was not for her.

I really do wish you the best and hope it works for you. I've had a very similar experience to yours. I also defended our reconciliation....it just didn't go the way I wanted and I suffered for it. Just want you to watch yourself....wish you the best of luck and really hope it works for you....because I know I wished it had for me!!

 

I hate to hear that man. The reason we' re all here is because we've felt the sting of a breakup. I'm rooting for you, and I hope you find that special person. In the meantime keep posting. We're all here to support each other

[erklat]

I never heard no contact hurt anyone.

 

But I heard plenty of people got hurt by not

accepting reality.

[OneLov]

You're back together. For now. You'll be back when all of this blows up in your face.

 

Personally, I hope OP finds happiness and this doesn't "blow up in (his) face." And if it does, we'll still be here to support him. I'm sorry but why would you say that? I get you're warning him that he may get hurt, but saying it like that makes it seem like you're being a hater.

[windsof]

I think this is a good thread because the message is true: no two relationships are the same.

 

I think there is a lot of game playing in terms of who contacts whom, who does it first, etc. In some cases, space is something that must be respected and I do believe in those instances, you should grant it. But that being said, if you want to talk, speak your mind, or try and salvage a relationship, there is nothing wrong with reaching out. The worst case scenario is that you learn new potentially heartwrenching information - but either way you would have been sad about it.

[mightycpa]

But that being said, if you want to talk, speak your mind, or try and salvage a relationship, there is nothing wrong with reaching out.

I think that really depends on how many times and how vociferously you need to be told NO.

[windsof]

I think that really depends on how many times and how vociferously you need to be told NO.

 

Of course. Constantly contacting someone to try and get a different answer isn't going to provide resolve. But if you need that one conversation (basing that off the fact that I think the OP had one convo with the ex to sort through) then I think it can be beneficial.

[mightycpa]

Of course. Constantly contacting someone to try and get a different answer isn't going to provide resolve. But if you need that one conversation (basing that off the fact that I think the OP had one convo with the ex to sort through) then I think it can be beneficial.

True, although be aware that in most cases, that conversation doesn't go well, and because of that, old questions are answered and new ones arise. If you're not careful, it can turn into a ride on a yo-yo, where you are on the wrong end of the string.