OhioGuy7 Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 Great advice in your posts, but what about if you took your LTR with your gf for granted that last 5 months, being complacent, not making the effort, being selfish and stubborn.. I starting hanging with friends more pushing her to the side, I was blind to my stupid actions, but the break turned break up and her getting with a guy a month into our 5 month break up so far.. Would her coming back not be an option if she was taken for granted? Having anger, negative feelings only about me... Shouldn't I be the one showing her I've made great strides to better myself to have a second chance? I don't see her coming back to work things out if she sees me as the guy I was the last few months of our 4 year relationship.. I feel like I need to make the effort? Am I right or wrong on this?! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Learningtowalkagain Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 She's with another guy. If she wants anything to do with you she'll reach out and make it known. Women know men way better than men know women. Stick to NC. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OhioGuy7 Posted January 26, 2016 Author Share Posted January 26, 2016 I'm doing well with NC right now even though it's so hard.. Over a month, not the longest I've went with her since the break up.. The saying at the end that you put, are you meaning it in a sense she will know if I truly changed she will know? Or am I thinking of it wrong? I just feel because I'm the one that screwed up by doing what I did taking her for granted, making her walk away, I should be the one making an effort to show her I'm changing and I'm serious about it, and wanting her back and to show her what she really means to me, and how special she is.. Not the ahole she felt used by the last 5 months or so of our relationship, that she came to resent, and have such negative emotions toward.. I'm sure NC is probably what I need to stick to, but the thought in the back of my head is by not making/showing an effort she realizes that person I'm really not, but she will think that's who I am the guy at the end.. Not the man that knows he screwed up, he realizes it, and want to see the guy you deserved the whole relationship.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 There's an awful lot to be said for stoic acceptance: "This is not what I want. It is the opposite of what I want, but I will accept it, and endure the pain which comes with it." Easier said than done, but the act of desperately trying to evade the pain only brings more pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OhioGuy7 Posted January 26, 2016 Author Share Posted January 26, 2016 Oh I felt/feel the pain of it, I know now what she felt during the end of our relationship.. It's hard when you accept the old relationship in dead, letting it go, but come to realize what a person means to you and that you want to have a second chance in the future with a new relationship.. With previous exs after I analyzed the break up realized we shouldn't be together.. As most people realize. However, for me, for the first time, I realize this girl is one I want to fix things with but the only chance I have with that is her seeing the changes I've made, soul searching i did to realize what I had to change to be the man she deserves.. I guess even though I made the mistakes, she has to be the one to want another go and she reaches out to me.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 Most people who ask for second chances, do so shortly after their last chance... Link to post Share on other sites
Author OhioGuy7 Posted January 26, 2016 Author Share Posted January 26, 2016 I agree that is the case sometimes but also there's people that get a second chance, I have friends in my group that have had second chances and come out better together than before. I had a friend get an ex back after 4 years out of high school. It happens but each situation is unique I guess. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 One thing is sure: Lasting behavioural change is hard work and takes time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OhioGuy7 Posted January 26, 2016 Author Share Posted January 26, 2016 I totally agree I'm still working on it 5 months still smoothing my edges, I'm not giving up I want this change, a permanent change! I want to put myself in the best possible position for a second chance. That's why I seek advice because I know people on here know way about how to get there than I do! Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 I totally agree I'm still working on it 5 months still smoothing my edges, I'm not giving up I want this change, a permanent change! I want to put myself in the best possible position for a second chance. That's why I seek advice because I know people on here know way about how to get there than I do! There's no avenue to get there. It's not a process like changing oil or building a birdhouse. It's up to her to decide to give you another chance, and there's really nothing you can do to bring it about. All you can do is work on the things you feel you need to work on to make you a better person. As for your original question, I'm guessing you've already told her that you plan on changing when the break happened. That's really all you can do. It's up to her and her alone whether she wants to acknowledge the changes, but in her mind -- you had plenty of time while you were dating to "change". So she's not terribly interested in you "proving it to her" right now. So yes, No Contact is the way to go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OhioGuy7 Posted January 27, 2016 Author Share Posted January 27, 2016 Yeah there was times when she would say she wanted the "old Josh" back I was selfish and stubborn, blind to what I was doing.. After she asked for a break it opened my eyes wider than they've ever been.. She was the one that asked me to change. She needed space, said she didn't want to throw "us" away that she loves me but can't stay with me based on my word, that she needed/wanted me to change my ways.. She said everything will be "okay" and "everything will work out" so I made mistakes pleading trying to reason with her but it did not help.. I decided to look deep inside myself find my issues and work on them, I still am 5 months later. I even got advice from my friends and friends of her to see what they saw, that I didn't.. Then a month or less she started seeing another guy, and still is I'd say, but according to her treats her so perfect, does things I stopped doing etc. from that point her feelings toward me did a 180, only anger and negative emotions toward me, it's as if she erased our good memories literally and figuratively.. I've got the never again saying and such, but does she truly feel that way? Probably not but she won't admit anything when she's with a new guy.. I've reached out a few times over the first 4 months it just lead to her bringing up my past mistakes, how I really hurt her, she felt used.. Do I think she is over it like she says? No because she continues to bring up everything, but it doesn't mean she will act on it because she has lots of negative feelings toward me.. I did try to leave her with a positive view of myself in her mind, at least tried to lol.. I apologized, told her I see what she feels from what I did, that I'm changing and that's not the man I am or want to let myself be again.. Told her what she means to me, that hopefully one day she forgives me, and in the future if circumstances change she would be open to trying again. That I would show her everyday how much she means and how special she is to me for the rest of my life.. I wished her the best.. But to answer your question I did tell her I'm going to change for myself, and that hopefully she gets to see it one day if she wanted to.. If she has this guy me reaching out is no good, me showing an effort will not change anything when she has him.. Giving her space to do her, might be the best thing to do.. At some point she will probably reach out, and I can show her an effort and my changes without overwhelming her. Only time will tell, hopefully one day I get the chance to step up to the plate, and show her my changes and that this time will be nothing like our past! Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 I mean, you need to make these changes independent of her. Odds are, she's gone and that's how you have to approach it because, more than likely, that's going to be how this story ends. So your changes have to be for your benefit only. Maybe you see her again, maybe you won't, maybe you won't even care that much when you do, as hard as that is to fathom. But yeah, she's made it clear that she's just not interested in being in contact with you and that your contact is just pissing her off. That, plus her having a boyfriend, means you need to stay backed off. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OhioGuy7 Posted January 27, 2016 Author Share Posted January 27, 2016 Yeah I need to leave her be, let her do her, let the dust settle, allow her to let her relationship run its course.. I see reaching out to her only brings back the negative emotions and anger and hurt.. Time and space is the best thing I can do.. In time those negative emotions and anger will fade where she will be more open to talking to me or at least reaching out to me.. I'll continue to better myself, and in time I may get the chance to show her a better me, but maybe not.. Only time will tell but I have a feeling deep inside me that this isn't the end of her and I. I keep up with nc and I'll see what happens and if she does reach out I'll take time to how I go about responding.. Thank you Simon Link to post Share on other sites
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