How to get over his ex

[Lottie86]

Not sure if I'm in the right place. My current situation has been drama filled (largely my own making) for the past few months.

 

I have been seeing this guy for a few months and after a rocky start it started going well; all the cliched can't stop touching each other and holding hands, private jokes, cuddles, seeing each other most evenings etc.

 

Clearly when things are going well there always comes a but. Mine is his ex. Or rather my feelings about his ex.

 

They were together 5 years, lived together (no kids) and split way before he and I started. She's 10 years older than him and she was his first relationship. He still cares about her, she wants to be friends with him and she calls him and texts him and he answers and replies.

 

Generally I'm insecure and a worrier and think the worst but this situation has bothered me from fairly early on, so I told him. I said that it makes me uncomfortable and I don't like it. He's assured me that nothing is happening or would ever happen but they're friends.

 

I know he's not sleeping with her or seeing her or anything like that. He tells me every time they speak or text, he volunteers this information always.

 

But why can't I get over it? Why can't I be ok with it? I know that if I keep bringing this up he's going to get annoyed with me and end us or he's going to start to keep things from me but I just can't seem to be ok with it in my head. I'm not jealous or worried that they're planning on getting back together I just can't compete with their 5 years. Their stories and their history.

 

He's not my boyfriend (whole other issue) but we are exclusive.

Edited January 26, 2016 by Lottie86

[PegNosePete]

Why do you feel the need to "compete" with their 5 years? It is not a competition. But even if it is, you've won, since you have him now.

 

If you can't handle him being friends with his ex, you should split up now. He is not going to break a lifelong friendship for you. And if he does, he'll resent you for ever.

 

You need to either accept that he is friends with her, or split up.

[greaterdevil]

While it doesn't necessarily bode well that he apparently isn't making your feelings and security his number #1 priority (over maintaining a relationship with his ex-girlfriend), if you're having a good time with him otherwise, my advice would be to let it go, for now.

 

My fiancé and I have been together for a year and a half, she is the love of my life and I couldn't have gotten any luckier if I had won that billion dollar powerball jackpot, but when we first started dating she was only a few months out of a 5+ year relationship, which was her second relationship but first "adult" relationship.

 

Their continued friendship bothered me quite a bit--in fact, a thread I started about a year ago not dissimilar to yours was why I joined LoveShack. Looking back, I'm glad that I waited six months to bring it up with her in earnest, and glad that even when I did bring it up, I clearly left the final decision up to her without any kind of ultimatum--just told her that it made me uncomfortable, and didn't tell her that it actually drove me crazy with jealousy.

 

It's hard not to feel insecure about coming up on the heels of a relationship that long, especially if you are both young which I'm assuming you are if that was his first relationship. And although the poster before me is correct in that it's not really a competition, and if it was you'd be winning, I know exactly what you mean. I felt jealous of him whenever she would text him or share a link to his Facebook wall, knowing that he had five years of memories with the woman I had only been in love with for six months.

 

But here's the thing--assuming they're not doing anything wrong (like confessing feelings for eachother, saying I love you, being flirty or suggestive, or texting/talking to her more than he does you) it actually might work out best for you just to try and accept it for the time being. Your feelings are normal, but they are born out of insecurity.

 

As your relationship progresses, it's likely that the friendship will start to cool on its own, and if it doesn't, you'll have more of a history together when you ask him to end the friendship. At six or seven months, especially if you're young, you should both have a feeling of how the relationship is going and how serious you are about eachother. At that point if it still bothers you and he is unwilling or unable to accommodate you, I would probably cut my losses and run, not because of the friendship with the ex but because he would be prioritizing her over you.

 

When I told my fiancé (then just girlfriend) how I felt, she stopped talking to him--not all at once, but fairly rapidly and at a very steady pace. I already knew that I wanted to marry her, but her prioritizing my feelings and security over her friendship with an ex made me sure that I could trust her with my heart.

 

tl;dr:

 

if you're able to, give it some time. know that he is choosing you to begin a new relationship with, but that five years is a long time and although in a perfect world there would be no overlap in feelings, it's the one we live in. If he is unwilling to cut contact with her to make you happy after six or so months, consider it a red flag and a gift, because you deserve to be with someone who makes you their first priority.

[sandylee1]

GD

 

You're a sensible man. Good advice.

[moebius]

They were together 5 years, lived together (no kids) and split way before he and I started. She's 10 years older than him and she was his first relationship. He still cares about her, she wants to be friends with him and she calls him and texts him and he answers and replies.

 

Of course you can't decide who your boyfriend stays friends with. But friendship with an ex partners is a problem for current relationship most of the time. Most people don't like thinking about their partner's exes, and leave that in the past. But having the ex in the present makes almost impossible to forget about it.

 

I think you have to start by making you mind about what is your idea about the situation. Do you keep contact with your exes? Are you willing to accept his friendship with her ex?

 

He's not my boyfriend (whole other issue) but we are exclusive.

 

This kind of stuff puzzles me.