3rd Time a Charm?

[Diskey7104]

OK Love Shackers, maybe you can help me with this one.

 

Me and my ex started dating like 3 and a half years ago (6 months before we went to the same college). We had a great relationship before college and once we got there things were obviously different. She ended up breaking up with me for some other dude. Well, I took it very hard and tried to get her back the worst way possible (begging, telling her I loved her, etc…). When I finally started dating someone else about four months later she started telling me how she still loved me etc…

 

So after being broken up for 8 months we simultaneously dumped our qf/bf’s to get back with each other. We were then together for the next 2 years with ups and downs but loved each other. Well, the last semester of our junior year was difficult (2 months ago), it seemed she wanted a more calm lifestyle and I wanted to party. I mentioned taking a break, she’d start to cry, and then I would back down on my suggestion. Well eventually she must have got the clue, she started hanging out with her friends more and we kind of grew apart the last few weeks of the semester.

 

Finally, 3 weeks ago she said she thought we should break up. Her reasoning was because she wanted to be single. But when I would say “I wish you the best in the future”, she would cry and say I’m not saying its over. The night of the breakup she kept insisting we stay in touch and not say its over.

 

The next 2 weeks, she called me twice and I called her once (I was living back at school, she was back home). She got upset one of the times when I made it sound like it was over, I then took it back to remain on good terms, which I want to be.

 

Finally I moved back home last Thursday for a summer job. When she found out she called me immediately and said me and our friends should all hang out together that night. We did, and we got along with obvious sexual tension between us. We talked about if we’ve been seeing anyone since and she said she has been hangin/talking with this guy but she insisted there’s nothing there. I didn’t believe her because I knew they were spending last weekend together and that they’ve gotten to be pretty close.

 

Here’s where I **** up slightly. When I got home that night she called me and I talked to her for a half hour. She told me how she still loved me, how this is for both of us, the dude she hangs with is really nothing, she could tell I still loved her and that we should hang out more, etc… Well I handled OK with two exceptions. She asked who I thought my next relationship would be with… and I said her (****! I know). and told her I loved her after she told me.

 

Obviously her and this dude aren’t “nothing.” My ex gf acts like the only child she is and we have the same group of friends that are always involved in drama, on again off again relationships.

 

To be honest I would love for us to work out again and say its just college life and I’m not the back up bf that I apparently am. I know I should move on forever but right now it makes me feel better if I think it's for the time being. She called as I was writing this and I told her I am happy that she is happy with that guy and that it helps me move on, not sounding sarcastic, even though it was. She accused me of being with other girls, got snappy after talking for 15 minutes and we agreed to go NC for a while.

 

Relationships are a game. I did have the upper hand, now I don’t think I do. How do I get it back? WTF is she thinking? What do i say/act when I see her because we have the same friends?

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by Diskey7104

OK Love Shackers, maybe you can help me with this one.

 

Me and my ex started dating like 3 and a half years ago (6 months before we went to the same college). We had a great relationship before college and once we got there things were obviously different. She ended up breaking up with me for some other dude. Well, I took it very hard and tried to get her back the worst way possible (begging, telling her I loved her, etc…). When I finally started dating someone else about four months later she started telling me how she still loved me etc…

 

Big mistake. When you beg, all it does is cause apathy in your S/O and they want to run, run, run away from you. The proof was when you started dating someone else, she then wanted you because you stopped begging her and she saw you were moving on.

 

Women want someone they have to work to have and keep, not someone who gushes over them.

 

So after being broken up for 8 months we simultaneously dumped our qf/bf’s to get back with each other. We were then together for the next 2 years with ups and downs but loved each other. Well, the last semester of our junior year was difficult (2 months ago), it seemed she wanted a more calm lifestyle and I wanted to party. I mentioned taking a break, she’d start to cry, and then I would back down on my suggestion. Well eventually she must have got the clue, she started hanging out with her friends more and we kind of grew apart the last few weeks of the semester.

 

Hmmm, ok this time you're initiating the "distance." Sometimes it works in your favor, sometimes it hurts you.

 

Finally, 3 weeks ago she said she thought we should break up. Her reasoning was because she wanted to be single. But when I would say “I wish you the best in the future”, she would cry and say I’m not saying its over. The night of the breakup she kept insisting we stay in touch and not say its over.

 

She's obviously confused.

 

The next 2 weeks, she called me twice and I called her once (I was living back at school, she was back home). She got upset one of the times when I made it sound like it was over, I then took it back to remain on good terms, which I want to be.

 

Finally I moved back home last Thursday for a summer job. When she found out she called me immediately and said me and our friends should all hang out together that night. We did, and we got along with obvious sexual tension between us. We talked about if we’ve been seeing anyone since and she said she has been hangin/talking with this guy but she insisted there’s nothing there. I didn’t believe her because I knew they were spending last weekend together and that they’ve gotten to be pretty close.

 

So you don't trust her. OK.

 

Here’s where I **** up slightly. When I got home that night she called me and I talked to her for a half hour. She told me how she still loved me, how this is for both of us, the dude she hangs with is really nothing, she could tell I still loved her and that we should hang out more, etc… Well I handled OK with two exceptions. She asked who I thought my next relationship would be with… and I said her (****! I know). and told her I loved her after she told me.

 

She asked that to see if you were still on her chain. A better answer would have been "Gee, I don't know...."

 

Obviously her and this dude aren’t “nothing.” My ex gf acts like the only child she is and we have the same group of friends that are always involved in drama, on again off again relationships.

 

So you already know there is a pattern here? Excellent.

 

To be honest I would love for us to work out again and say its just college life and I’m not the back up bf that I apparently am. I know I should move on forever but right now it makes me feel better if I think it's for the time being. She called as I was writing this and I told her I am happy that she is happy with that guy and that it helps me move on, not sounding sarcastic, even though it was. She accused me of being with other girls, got snappy after talking for 15 minutes and we agreed to go NC for a while.

 

I think you answered your own question here. You KNOW you should move on, so why aren't you?

 

Relationships are a game. I did have the upper hand, now I don’t think I do. How do I get it back? WTF is she thinking? What do i say/act when I see her because we have the same friends?

 

You will have the upper hand when you make your happiness a priority in your life. Start dating other women and stop answering her calls or emails. Let her stew for a while.

 

But better yet, do you REALLY want to be with this woman? It sounds like she has more problems than she is worth. JUST LIKE MY EX! LOL

 

I suggest dating for a while. She'll see you are happy and having fun without her. If her current guy means nothing to her, she'll come back to you.

 

If you do decide to get back together. Take it slow. Don't rush right back into it. Make sure you are happy with yourself and you make time to hang with your boys and bond with men. You need an independent life outside of her.

[BLF04]

Diskey7104 is BLF04 in this case (too lazy to register at this point)

 

Thanks for the advice ConfusedInOC. Well lets say I was interseted in us getting back together. Heres a couple ?s that anyone could help me answer. We are on a NC basis but got in a fight before we did it. Isnt it better to be on good terms with NC?

 

I also bought concert tickets for both of us months ago when we were together. When we got into that arguement I said she couldnt go. is this the best strategy? should i ask her to goto the concert again w/ little/ or NC until the concert?

 

I feel guilty bc she was still looking forward to it. Wouldn't this be a good chance to smooth things out. Should I call her or email her to at least smooth things out, then go NC?