Mentally checked out??

[laura_wells]

" being defensive and passing off responsibility" is the theme I've been running with my entire marriage. Most frustrating when trying to work things out.. Less so now when simply don't care.

 

I'm wondering what ur wife is doing to treat her alcoholism? It's not a simple behavior issue that she's being stubborn about. Addiction is a lot stronger than mind power and she can't get well on her own, regardless of how hurt she sees u getting and how much she wants to for herself. Not sure if I missed something in the thread..

[Brady375]

Since we started dating she was young 21 and would go out and party every weekend. I was coming off a bad 5yr relationship and she was everything my ex was not. I had issues while dating w her going over board w the drinking, passing out, Embarassing me etc. it was easier to rationalize back then cus of her age and I took the good w the bad figuring shed grow out of it. She would defend it and say it's only on the weekends I work everyday and go to the gym 5days a week, everyone goes out, and I even heard "my father says you only live once have a good time " and id explain she may not be doing anything wrong in her mind but it bothers me and it turns me off seeing my

lil wife drink like that. When intoxicated this past year when I'd be upset w her she'd day "if ur not happy we leave me, divorce me." Next day blaming it on the booze but hearing that pissed me off. She was in school on her way to her career.

Ten years later she is still going out every weekend. Some weekends can be mellow others she goes too far, passes out etc. it's tough havin attraction for a woman after seeing her like that one to many times. She hasn't grown out of it. We hav no kids and I enjoy going out an socializing too but the vast majority of the time I'm in control, driving etc. and I work every Friday and Saturday night so my options are limited. Add this to the fact she never got her career started w no real responsibilities of kids etc holding her back. The lack of respect resentment grew.

She comes from a family of drinkers. Now she states she hasn't drank the entire time we have been seperated. Dumb of me or not I believe her, she is going to counseling on her own. But that doesn't make me feel better. Like if you didn't have to drink on the weekends why couldn't u stop or pull back some for Me. Now she does it but I feel it's more so she can get what she wants. I'm hurt by this. Ten year of supporting her as she tries to get her career going. Giving her the brand new car as I drive the old beater, taking her on vacations etc. I'm Not perfect. I have my flaws but it's hard to go back right now. I sometimes second guess myself and think maybe my expectations are too high. But I write this out for strangers to read and I feel it all sounds absurd. No kids and two adults living together. I don't expect my wife to pull all the weight I do, but there is no reason she shouldn't be accomplishing things making things 50/50 and I'm not even looking for that. Just get your own life together and don't be so Dependent on me ontop of the weekend drinking. She would take care of all the in door house duties to compensate for the lack of Finacial support but there isn't A lot to do house wise. I have been doing it myself for 2months and it takes me no time at all to clean and do cloths etc.

Edited February 1, 2016 by Brady375

[laura_wells]

What has she been doing to get help? Has she been on the road to recovery alone? Seems like she would need more intensive remediation to get her clean. Has she tried AA? This problem might be beyond her scope for dealing with alone..

[Brady375]

Honestly she wasn't Addicted to alcohol in my mind as much as she was irresponsible w it and Enjoyed living that life style. I offered to move out of the house even though I have no family around here and she opted to leave and go back to her parents house. She only drank on the weekends and I know that can be a problem too binge drinking but she wasn't A terrible alcoholic as I know them. She has mom dad and brother at home and she states she hasn't drank in two months while going to therapy. I grew up w my mother (who I love dearly) doing the same exact thing so I have Lil patience for it. Weekend drinking and fights between my parents. Both her and my mothers personalities change and I Cant stand being around them drinking. So annoying. But I have Lil doubt that if she puts her mind to it she Doesn't have to drink. She just wanted to do what she wanted to do and pushed the envelope w me and boundries as far as she could. Unfortunately for her she went well too far. And now I currently have had enough of the Nonsene.

 

At this stage of my life IF married i expect to have more accomplished w a Partner. Wo my wife around my life hasn't changed. I have bought the house prior to marriage, and I bought and paid for everything in the house prior to marriage. I'm no worse off. With her she only enhanced my life by making me More Comfortable and bringing happiness to me by simply being Around her. Other than that she was not an Idea Person she was status quo just going in life wherever I could take her. She is supportive in the fact that I can do as I please wo nagging but she def isn't pushing me at all to be a better person or motivate me as I did for her. I'd be running her resume Around myself to everyone I could to help her get the career she wanted etc. Now that the problems increased rapidly over the past months she was brining more stress than happiness to my life. It started not making sense. No kids either.

From Bf GF to marriage nothing changed except the higher obligation I now have to put up w more Nonsene, if we were dating w this going on I would have dumped her. Once married it was like it was known I Had to stay to deal w it all so I was stuck putting up w more than I would have not married "well you married me" she'd say. I become resentful cus she knows I'm a super committed person and it felt like it was being used against me to some degree. Living in the house I pay for as I pay for everything and I support her so she can work a job she "likes" as she tries to break into her career. I don't mind doing that but I can't have her ignoring my needs and requests w the drinking while I do it. she reaps much more benifit being married to me then me her. Right now as she stands alone she is in her 30s w an entry level position n almost a masters degree making minimal

Money w no retirement plan in place, and she was going out on the weekends like she was still 24. I work hard play hard at times. But the key is I work hard. W how I Feel now after breaking down its Hard to Find any real incentive to work towards getting back together. If I met her for the first time in my

Life tomorrow and saw where she was at in life I wouldn't date her. I need that feeling in me to change to move forward. I do not want to divorce which is why I'm giving things time to see if things feel different. I'm in a jam right now. I have done this for several years w no real progress. She giving up having a family to be w me I have to make sure I'm 100% on board w her before wasting more time. Idk if that will happen. It's only been months. Thanks for reading.

Edited February 1, 2016 by Brady375

[laura_wells]

Sounds very similar to the way I feel about the way I've been living with my husband. He did not add anything to my life, did not motivate me or push me to be a better person.. Though I do that intrinsically. And he, similarly, simply stays out of my way for me to go about my things without interference.

 

Something that you said made me think of something I've been feeling throughout my marriage. That is that because I married my husband nine years ago it feels as if he thinks he can do whatever he likes, without contributing to the marriage, knowing that we're locked in together. He "got" me and he can let his guard down and no matter what he does, or lack thereof, he'll still have me to take care of him and the family and the household and I'll still keep trying and giving my all to make this marriage work. It simply felt so unfair.

 

I feel like I have so much power now that he is finally being held accountable for his actions. That he knows that we are not in it no matter what. That if he screws up badly and feels no remorse and does it again, that there can be a time that I will simply call it quits.

[Brady375]

Yup. Fell the same way and it isn't a good feeling. I remember the mrs telling me the last month before we seperated after a night she went out and upset me. Next morning I tried to get through to her. Told her I'd go see an attorney if it continued that she wasn't listening and that I would Not continue in this relationship like this. Her response "we're married (insert my name)." I responded oh so you think cus we are married I have to simply put up w this stuff, I don't think so, I won't. 2 more weeks of the same n that was it.

Point being that statement felt like her saying "we're married your not going anywhere we have to deal w eachother". In my situation I reiterated to her I don't see kids running around this house which makes my situation a lot easier to get out of.

What your describing now at the end of the post is the fact that you shook your husband down to the core. Scared straight. What sucks is that as a Partner in the marriage they would allow themselves to get like that and "take advantage". It hurts. My concern w the Scared Straight, it's almost feels like the show to me Scared Straight. It's a show where they send Lil bad kids into a prison where the officers and the inmates but the kids through an intense program to show them where their illegal actions could take them.

The kids will do what they Have to to get through the program, to get through the uncomfortable situation, get what they want. Statistically once out of the prison and back home and out of the traumatic situation they go home and they are Good for awhile only to revert back to their original behavior. This is proven statistically. Because at the time they as a person Never Changed that takes hard work and the only reason they behaved in the prison was to get what they wanted and after they are back at home they behave because they were afraid of going back. But once they became comfortable again.......That's why Seeing Change in a Partner is 100% easier to see when they do it Before a split, or before one partner breaks down and Really says they are done (putting their partner in the prison).

Just my take. Can some people really change after something like this? Yes as some kids really do make turn arounds, it's psychology I think but it's No Fast turnaround. Is the marriage worth all the hard work that will have to be put in? I'm questioning that myself w no kids involved and her giving up having kids to be w me.

My exact concern and I posted this previous is I won't Know if the changes the Mrs is making are Genuine because at this point a big Part of them have to be Self Serving to her to "get out of prison". Once we go back she will meet my needs but Once Comfortable again that's When I'll see the true baseline of my relationship and I think that could take upwards for a year or so for me to feel what ever changes that have been made are here to stay.

Edited February 1, 2016 by Brady375

[laura_wells]

I hear exactly what ur saying. I think the u might want to treat the situation like a force of nature. In nature the consequences are immediate and definite. You drop a glass, it smashes. You walk into a wall, u hit ur face. There's no explanation, no apologies. It is what it is and there's no playing around with nature. You have to similarly be ur word. What u say, goes. U say, I've had enough, have enough. U tell her u appreciate her efforts, but if she starts backsliding she has to know what ull tolerate and what u won't and if she does A you will immediately do B. And do it! This way ur being honest with urself with what ull tolerate, direct with her as to what that is u need and you Follow through.

[Brady375]

True if I go back I 100% won't tolerate any of it. I can't. The problem is getting myself to a mental state of going back. After you have these Tough convos w a partner after so many years of bs it's hard to let them back in to take a foot hold in your heart and mind again.

I don't want to have to have the "convo" again of "we're done". It's not easy. Now that I have reopening that door is difficult. One of the hardest parts of moving on is over. I grieved the relationship for 2months. I am comfortable by myself. I had the hard conversations. Now if I go back I have to make sure I'm ready for it. if I go back and things start slipping it won't be a simple well I told you what would happen if u did this again, and she'll say "yes u did, sorry about that I'll be on my way now, best of luck to you in future endeavors". I respond "you too dear" lol. It will be gut wrenching all over again. So I'm trying to get my head on straight. Figure things out. The no tolerance thing wouldn't be a problem for me at this point. I have hit that point. Did that and well.....because of it here I am. Now I hear "one more chance" "I'm in counseling now etc etc". And I'm like ughhh I don't want to do it again. It's tough

[Eaglescout88]

Hello Brady, idk if this provides you with any hope or not, but my wife and I were reading a marriage book last night for a class that we are taking. The author tells a story of a married couple who had been separated for months. Finally, after several months of separation and both being checked out of the relationship, they were both able to "check back in" to the relationship, and have now been back together happily married for many years. I am really glad that you are in counseling, too, and that you hope the separation will provide an opportunity to get some clarity and healing. Have you thought about a marriage intensive? This might help with the “checked out” feeling because couples are in counseling over a few days in a retreat setting, which sort of forces you to stick with it and deal with your issues. I really wish you the best and will be praying for your miracle. Kind Regard, Kevin

[ProdigalMe]

I understand how you feel. You can't be in love someone for whom you have lost so much respect. But there is a glimmer of hope if she does the following: (1) gets a career equal to her education level, and brings home much more bacon, and (2) drops the hard partying/drinking ways that are so unbecoming of a person on the wrong side of 30. Both of these will take time and lots of effort on her part. And, I understand, you're exhausted from having the same conversation over and over again.

 

I also understand what you mean about commitment. You take your vows seriously. Till death do us part. For better or for worse (although, I bet you never imagined that this is what "worse" would look like). It's hard to leave her when you feel like you're breaking a promise.

 

So, what to do? I can't believe I'm about to say this. Because I'm the king of second chances. I believe in them. I told my wife to believe in them (but she said no; I'm out of chances; she's given me dozens of chances; I think it's fair for her to say no more; I don't like it, but it's not unfair). Someone advised you to go forward with separation. I tend to agree (can't believe I'm saying that, because if I were in your wife's shoes, I would be convinced I deserved a second chance).

 

Here's why I agree. Sometimes, with some people, it takes a a huge wake-up call to get their attention. When my wife told me she was divorcing me, that was the slap in the face that finally prompted me to make changes (too late, though). What's terrible is that I meant it this time (no more backsliding; I vowed to spend more time with her, to be more nurturing, to be less critical, to be more complimentary, to be more intimate). Consider that those spouses who get left behind, but vowed to make changes if given one more chance, go on to become excellent second wives/husbands because their changes are real and substantial and permanent.

 

Consider that a long-term separation (6 months/12 months) may be the slap in the face that finally gets your wife's attention. That length of time may also be enough for her to prove to you whether she's capable of change or not. The question becomes, what compromises are you willing to live with? Suppose she gets a better-paying job, but not necessarily a career. Would you regain respect for her, or would that still be a deal-breaker? Suppose she stopped binge drinking, but still partied hard on weekends. How would you react?

 

At any rate, I think you're right. There's no need to rush to a divorce. A meaningful separation may be what's needed at this point. Put her on stage; shine the spotlight on her. See if she gives you the performance of her lifetime (it sounds like it will take no less than that to convince you to stay). If she does, what a wonderful moment for the two of you. If she doesn't, or if she decides to pair up with someone else, then, unfortunately, you have your answer (at that point I don't think you should beat yourself up over your wedding vows; you did your best, you gave it your all).

 

Peace and strength to you.

[Brady375]

Prodiga, thank you for the long thought out post. I Agree with you that in order for me to Begin working on things w her there would have to be a Substaintial seperatation; 6months, we have already been seperated for 2months. When the seperation happened it was out of necessity. During this seperation I would have to see the changes you described. It's a lot to ask for but I strongly agree and feel there wouldn't be a quick turn around as I have gone crazy looking for a short cut.

The binge drinking has Always only been restricted to the weekends. But every weekend for ten years Some kind of drinking going on its taken its toll.

I would need her to stop m grow up w the drinking period. I can't do it anymore. It was easier to rationalize when we were younger but not any more.

As far as her job it's not the money or how much she makes as much as it is where her lack of accomplisment is at for 31yr old woman. Combine those two aspects along with the repeated talks, and then her repeatedly ignoring the talks...well there's the loss of respect over time, the feeling that I don't have a true partner in the marriage and the feeling of having to be more of a parent to her.

What concessions would I be willing to make? Not many at all at this point. I am starting to get into deep waters w her and into my own life. It's time to get living. I'm in a holding pattern, the only crumby part of all of this is I don't think she will want to wait that long without hearing from me that I want to work on things or that I will start to atleast going to counseling Together as opposed to apart like we are now. But until I see her make these changes on her own for herself I can't start working on things Like That With her. I can't open the door again because I have told her "I'm

Done". I don't want to step forward w her because unless I'm sure i can't deal w having that gut wrenching conversation again. Right now she thinks we're Done and seperated but I'm just not emotionally ready to deal w the "divorce " part of it. I am willing to sit back and hold off divorce to See what she does like you said. .but again I have to see her legit change and not just do it for self serving reasons to get what she wants in the moment. I really appreciated n like the post. Thanks.

Edited February 4, 2016 by Brady375

[bigbaby]

Brady, I hope it all works out for you in the end, either way. There were a few things I didn't quite understand and they're all over the place, part advocate and part devil's advocate. Not that I need to understand but maybe it will help you clarify something, who knows...

 

Does your wife want to change her ways, aside from to please you and keep you? From your posts, it sounds like she doesn't.

 

As others have said, I too have a hard time believing that an adult who gets trashed every weekend year after year is not an alcoholic. It seems a little surprising to me that you seem to see this as semi-normal behavior and just a sign of immaturity. My best guess (from a distance, granted) would be she needs to be in rehab before she'd be able to pull her life together.

 

Are you sure not having kids was such a big sacrifice to her? Did she ever try to talk you into it or does she just use it as a bargaining chip when you call her out on her drinking and etc.?

 

On the other side, if you two did have kids, you'd probably be significantly worse off financially than you are with her staying at an entry level job.

 

I don't understand why the job is such a big deal, tbh. At least she works, right? From what you've said, I'd expect that she's home slopping about on the couch all day long.

 

Along with your belief that she lacks emotional intelligence, I don't know... What's wrong with accepting her the way she is (aside from the drinking)? It's not very affirming or nice to live with someone who feels that you're not good enough but always a project who needs improvement, is it?

 

So, she's beautiful, companionable, works, agrees to be childless as you want, right?

 

What type of woman are you looking for? Do you think most other men would find her so unworthy and requiring so much change to be acceptable?

 

As I said, I'm confused because you seem to put her not finishing her master's/getting a better job on the same level as getting trashed every weekend.

 

To the first, I'm thinking, so she's not overly ambitious, big deal. Also, many people who have those higher level jobs don't have much time or energy for their spouse anyway. Oh wait, you did say she goes out drinking without you every weekend so nix that! If she made more money, would you be able to cut back your work hours? Are you just dying to upgrade your lifestyle? What difference would it make to you? But then you've said it's not really the money so what is it then?

 

To the second, I'm thinking that level of drinking is a serious problem. Just an observation, fwiw. Personally, I don't see those two things as being anywhere near on the same level.

 

Also, does she have any complaints about you or are you perfect? Not meaning to be snide but you only seem to mention how she doesn't measure up and I haven't heard anything the other way. Maybe there really isn't anything the other way or maybe she's just more accepting.

 

Finally, I wouldn't trust a falling down drunk to be faithful. Drunk and out and about? Drunk means not really knowing what they're doing, low inhibitions, etc. That was another thing that surprised me, that you don't mention even any suspicion there.

 

That's all I got. Food for thought, or maybe just for the trash can, lol. Best wishes.

Edited February 4, 2016 by bigbaby

[oldshirt]

I'll reiterate what I said at the opening of this thread - I think you are looking at it appropriately and are doing the right thing.

 

I'm not saying that she is a bad person and needs to be punished or banished to the island of misfit toys or anything. But a critical component of any marriage is mutual admiration and respect and you can't admire and respect someone who is drunk all the time and makes no effort at self improvement and she likely cannot admire and someone who she sees as a parent figure and interferes with her fun.

 

You two are incompatible as marriage partners.

 

If a couple years down the road she becomes a different person and you each want to date each other again and see how things go, that is fair.

 

But I wouldn't hold out hope for that or keep yourself off of the dating market at all. You have to go into assuming that this is who and what she is and that you are incompatible as marriage partners.

[Brady375]

Thanks for the posts guys. Big baby you asked a lot but I'll try to address it. I do have flaws. I have a short fuse and she knows how to handle me and give me space. And she is easy going.

Being less ambitious isn't a terrible thing but when I Feel as if she's coasting along as I'm out breaking down barriers it gets frustrating. When we don't have kids at this point in my life I feel like we should be A Lot Further ahead as a couple, but instead we can only go as far as I take us. I don't mind her being Less Ambitious. I just want her go get a Standard job with a retirement and benifits. It baffles me she almost has a masters and doesn't want that for herself. Instead she coasts off what I do. My own mother had 3kids and had the same exact position she has now w No responsibilities of children and a good support system. What will she do when I retire? She thinks she'll just retire too? It's a turn off ESP when combine w the weekend carefree drinking lifestyle. Feel like I get the short end of it. basically I want her to get her sh#t together. Just get a standard job w a retirement in sight and stop w the childish behavior. Lying about drinking etc. Would other guys have an issue w her? No not as much if they have a couple kids w her. It would change the expectations and dynamics of the relationship.

 

Oldshirt thanks for your honest straight forward post. I appreciate it. And I see what your saying. It's a tough sitsution.

[Brady375]

after 2months being seperated the mrs kept up contact and her time not drinking I thought was large in part to get what she wanted n get things back on track , hard to see them as genuine changes she Wanted to make for herself. 2weeks ago we tried n meet up to talk. It didn't go well and I told her I'm done. Since then I have taken no steps towards accomplishing this. I guess a lot of me was waiting to see if we could just stay seperated and go about our buisness as she makes the changes. Continues to stop drinking and gets her things together in pursuing some type of career for herself.

 

After 2 weeks she is now pressuring w ultimatums. Stating well if your done idk why we just don't file. Stating we need to divorce so we can move on. I guess when I told her I was done I wanted to pull that security blanket out from under her to see what she did. Any time in the Past that I would get upset w her over a major issue that went unaddressed I'd let her know then go a week where I was upset w her w minimal talking, but within a week I'd go back to normal thinking she got my point only to have her start up again in a few weeks mainly w the weekend drinking. Now I guess I felt the Same....during the seperation the door was left open that we'd try to work through things and I felt that she would continue the "good behavior" knowing id be back like always. Now I told her I'm done and we haven't had contact. I have felt better wo the contact everyday but I wasn't ready to actually divorce. I guess I have been waiting if she would make some changes during this time but it's probably unrealistic to think she'll do that while we have no contact. if she kept up the no drinking and took a hardline stance and got her life in order w her job I was thinking I'd feel more positive towards working on things Together. Idk. Now her patience is growing thin it seems. It's hard to see everything when ur in the middle of the storm.

Edited February 4, 2016 by Brady375

[laura_wells]

Hi Brady, seems like ur still caught in the turmoil and hoping for change. One thing that strikes me is that u may want to be straightforward with her. I know that u don't want her to make changes for u but it gots confusing for urself as well as for her when ur not being straightforward about this time spent apart. U seem to be hoding back from making any big changes and moving forward with the divorce. But I feel that u wouldn't feel completely honest with urself if u let this slide without her knowing what precisely u want from her. And it's really ok if she does these things to get back on track, even it wouldn't feel genuine. Ur looking for actions, not feelings. Before and unless u spell out for her what's at stake u wouldn't be giving it ur all and may always have the "what's if" to haunt u. I would let go of the wanting it to come from her and just say what it is u want and expect from her and put the ball in her court.

[Brady375]

Hey Laura thanks for writing. I wrote that last post after she had spoken to me and got me all worked up a couple weeks ago.

I hear what you are saying with being straightforward and I Thought about that recently. BUT the problems that I have had. The drinking on the weekends, and her lack of getting her life/job/ plans for retirement started; basically her adult life in order, have All Been brought up and Beaten to Death.

She knows exactly what my issues are. She knows I'm not happy w certain behaviors that have gone on.

At this point if I have to draw it out w crayons and spoon feed her it will be too much for me. Like Stating to her "get the career going like you said you would and I'll go to counseling w you". If at this point she can't find the motivation to do it without me spoon feeding it like that it tells me something. With or wo me I'd want her to be the person who wants to atleast have a standard career to Support herself to a normal degree wo having to rely on Dad or someone else to live. We have no kids. And I want her to want to be the person who doesn't have to drink every weekend. During the marriage I have told her to just do it and get the job for herself and me and I have told her to stop drinking like she was For Me. It's been spelled out. Get your life In order. I got tired of her taking a back seat in our marriage as I do it all and provide it all when she is educated and just as capable of achieving atleast a standard job w a retirement. And mainly her lack of respect for my boundaries w the drinking issue that has been argued over for a decade.

I have Realized I have lost feelings and respect and admiration for her. That's my main issue. To build that back up if she contacted me showing me "hey I got the job I have been looking for" or something to that effect I'm thinking I'd maybe gain a lil interest in what she is up to. This is all so hard when promises of change come after I emotionally break down and we have to seperate. She says she hasn't drank and I have to take her word for it but trust has been lost due to recent and past lies over that exact issue. The job is s secondary problem to that but if she atleast Settled that concern that's something that I can See and know is Real. A real change.

It's going on 3months. Within the 3-5 month frame I think it's a reasonable amount of time for any Realistic changes to take place to see if we are life long marriage compatible. I'm hoping my interest gets sparked during this time and she surprises me. But part of me is thinking she doesn't want to change and is content. we will see.....I know I do wish things didn't get to this point.

Edited February 11, 2016 by Brady375

[OldLady]

Sorry to say that your biggest problem is that your wife is an alcoholic. One doesn't have to drink every day to be an alcoholic. Ten years of arguing about her drinking. How sad. So sorry about your situation. Seems like your wife likes things the way they have been. Have you looked up the definition of an alcoholic? Can you live with the fear of her possibly relapsing? Something to think about.

[Brady375]

Hey old lady. Yes I'm aware now that she has an issue w drinking. When she was younger I rationalized it. But it was still and issue cus shed go way to far when back when she was in her early 20s. Now in our 30s in the final month before our seperation the weekend drinking led to her passing out twice. Once at a public function. I just mentally broke down. I dealt w this growing up Only on the weekends w my mother who I love dearly. She drove our entire household Bonkers almost everyweekend w the drinking and arguing. I can't deal w it.

Normally there was some space In between the "bad weekends" where I'd get upset and in between things were more mild. The last month before our seperation it was 4 straight weeks rapid fire and I broke down.

I AM Concerned that if we get back together she will behave with it for quite a while only to eventually slip back into doing the things that upset me as time goes on and she gets complacent and comfortable again. May take a year or more or less for it to happen but that's my concern. I fear that if it were to occur again at first sign I'll break down again. I Highly Doubt she would give up drinking/socializing alll together as she has already stated she hasn't drank in 2months so She isn't physically dependent on it and she can be responsible and go out normally and not upset me.

 

That makes me think about two things. One, if this is the case Why in the Hell wouldn't she of done this or made these changes when I was pleading w her too. She is now only going to do this after I break down and we seperate. It makes me angry cus it seems she's only motivated to do it now more for her benifit then mine. And Two as more time passes and she gets more comfortable I'm worried things will slip back. We have no kids and our life style together has been limited to the social scene and less of the Family w friends scene. Idk

Edited February 12, 2016 by Brady375

[dreamingoftigers]

I checked out due to my husband's alcoholism and checked back in after he attended treatment. Ironically he decided to get help two days after I definitively decided on getting a divorce. It seems to be like something they can 'sense.' Then it makes things real to them. Short of that, its just words getting through the alcoholic swill.

 

We also have a daughter together though.

 

But one think I want to point out is that if she recently quit, it will take longer than you think for other changes to take hold. Your timeline won't stack up to her's. The stress on the brain from the substance itself, then the withdrawal and development of new coping skills and some flood of emotion that comes with it is quite.....overwhelming.

 

If you are thinking you might be 'in' you might want to let her know or seek counseling with her. You seem very torn about going or staying. Which I get. I was that way for YEARS. It sucked worse than just being done, or heading toward a reconciliation.

 

I do know this though. If I had told my husband that we were done, and stuck by it, he would have moved on and built his own life at the speed of light. He probably would have had a gf within a few months. Or weeks.

[dreamingoftigers]

That makes me think about two things. One, if this is the case Why in the Hell wouldn't she of done this or made these changes when I was pleading w her too. She is now only going to do this after I break down and we seperate. It makes me angry cus it seems she's only motivated to do it now more for her benifit then mine. And Two as more time passes and she gets more comfortable I'm worried things will slip back. We have no kids and our life style together has been limited to the social scene and less of the Family w friends scene. Idk

 

Because they are often conflict-avoidant.

 

They will feel kinda bad about putting their spouse through something. But when they think of partying and drinking they think "whooo, escape" and lack a lot of impulse-control. It's hard to understand as someone who isn't a drinker/partier.

 

Plus I dealt with it in childhood too (my father is an alcoholic). We seem very drawn to the patterns we grew up with unfortunately. There seems to be something in our brains that is unfinished business like "this time I want to get the alcoholic to pick ME instead of drinking." Ugh. What a trap.

 

My husband attended the AHS program and it was awesome! I never expected him to come so far so quick.

 

Have you considered Al-Anon or such?

 

I am sorry you are struggling with this.

[Brady375]

Hey thanks so much. Your spot on w a lot of things. Her lack of coping skills and being extremely conflict avoidant and the whoo hoooo her escape to drinking. B though it's only taken place on the weekends it's been a drain over a decade and it's slowly chipped away at things.

I haven't thought about al anon but I am going to counseling for myself. She may not be on my timeline w the changes and I get that but that's a tough thing. i want to get living now. We have been married 5yrs w no kids, I'm starting to get into much deeper waters w her and into my own life. I feel like I have been Waitng on her to get her things together for the past ten years. I'm so tired of waiting. Since being w her I have gone out and partied a lot more myself but hardly ever to her degree and my life/career etc is all in order and humming. I've had promotions and other job offers and I've achieved other things outside of work. I have plans. She has none of her own.

Since seperation I myself haven't touched a drop of alcohol. Tough spot. I'm giving this time but idk if I have more than another couple months to see if she finally starts progressing/maturing. I don't have a fear of her moving on w someone else as I don't think she would but if she did it would only provide me w a DIRECTION and give me more clarity one way or another as to what to do and the lack of True Direction is what kills me. I'm lye and wait for now

[Brady375]

Well I have been 3 1/2 months now separated. Contact has been minimal as I told her I was done right now. She would continue to touch base w me every week and a half or so and play the push and pull game. One day asking me why I haven't filed yet if I'm "done" and That we need to deal w that soon since that's what I want. the next tells me she still loves me and is still here if I want to talk and she doesn't want a divorce.

When I'm asked why I haven't filed yet if I want to a divorce i tell her I'm dealing w things on my end as best as I can and I'm not ready to move forward w that part of it yet, it's a lot. I haven't even filed yet, when she comes to get the mail all the pics are stil up and house unchanged.

 

3 1/2 months no talk of any job interviews to start a career and I hear rumors that she is going out here and there drinking and with the worst choice of people (terrible drunks). Today I find out w certainty that she was out at a major drinking event and I strongly suspect she has stopped personal counseling though I have gone on my one every week.

 

If this is the case my point will be proved. While she was trying to get what she wanted she tap danced and kept up the smoke screen w her talk about how she Really changed. Once I wouldn't move off my Spot and told her I was done she seems to be resorting back to the same old behavior that got us into this mess. Still blaming everyone else for the problems and hasn't done any real heavy lifting of her own yet.

 

Sad to start fully accepting this but it's right in front of my face. Hard to let go of the good times and good parts. But If all of the above is true that will be that. This entire separation though I wasn't the major reason things got so screwed up I have sat inside, haven't drank a drop of booze haven't done anything to jeopardize my situation.

[Brady375]

Though I haven't received any responses lately I wanted to periodically come back and update my situation Incase it could help someone else. Didn't want to leave it open ended.

I told my counselor that March was the month that something would have to give. I felt it. And I was right. Unfortunately I didn't get a phone call that she had started a career for herself, maintained going to counseling, and hasn't gone out.

 

Instead i find out she went to the st Patrick's day parade and was drinking; how much idk, with a person she said she knew she couldn't be around when drinking as this one freind is as she stated crazy when she drinks. They took a cab to and from the parade and were there from 12-6. A photo of her out w friends w beer in hand and no rings on popped up on my mothers social media page, someone else had posted it not her.

 

After hearing about this and seeing the pic and no talk of any start of a career and my suspicions confirmed that she slowly started going back and and was drinking here and there, I packed all of her things up and let her know I would be starting the process of filing this week. I was very nice about all things considered. During this separation I never went out, I never took a photo of us down in the house so that when she came by she could see. And I never once talked about filing. I just said to her in Jan I was done. She would pressure one week asking why I haven't filed and another tell me she still loves me and is here to talk. I would always reply that I was doing the best I could to deal w things and move forward. I wasn't ready to divorce or begin speaking again normally.

 

I waited and gave things time to see what she would do. After finding out she was out at a major drinking event I was upset. We separated over weekend drinking issues. She now attacks and defends this stating I am not giving her credit for all the positives and changes she has made. Problem is no real changes have occurred. She went a couple months wo drinking and never had a single interview or talk of job offer. Approaching 3 months separated I knew deep down she wouldn't be able to keep herself from the party scene that long. She needed to get her career nailed down before even thinking about that. Go out I say but shouldn't be out drinking given our issues. I stayed in 3 1/2 months. Never drank and I was alone w no family around. She went back to hers.

 

To top it off after finding out she went to the parade I had suspicions that she stopped going to counseling for herself. The insurance is under me so this week I checked on that. In 3 1/2 months she attended 5 sessions. 3 the first 3 weeks after separating After she made all of the promises to change. THEN she didn't attend for the next month and a half! Went 3 times then packed it in for 1 1/2 months before going back for 2 more visits just before this parade. She stated the therapist told her she could go out and be "social" and "human" as she tells me. I suspect she went back only for validation of what she wanted. Before this all came to a head this week she told me the therapist is gone until mid April on vaca so that's another month and a half she won't have to go??

 

Get real, she states she forgot her wedding rings at home before parade. 1,000s of people out. Shady. I call her out on her lack of effort in going to therapy she says she couldn't afford it as she still has to buy her own groceries since now living at her parents. That bull.....$36 a visit, she makes enough money and has money in the bank. Excuses. Where are the priorities.

 

She pushed me over the edge which is why we seperated. I have faults but I was Not the driving force behind the conclusion of that and in 3 1/2 months I have attended 19 sessions w a therapist. I'm still doing the heavy lifting. She tells me after her first session months ago she's going twice a week. Lies. She didn't maintain going Once a Week. And she talks about changes and hard work??

 

now I have confirmed w her I'm filing and nothing I did was enough. Her going. Out wasn't a big deal as she states and it was casual. She didn't have $ to go to counseling. She says I didn't put in Any Effort together and my sessions alone mean 0 as she wrote cus it's for myself. Yet she didn't even do that. 19 sessions to 5. Who did this matter more too? She states I refused to talk to her and ignored her. I explained that I needed the space. EVERY time we would talk it would spin into a. Huge convo rehashing everything. The stress was too much. I said i needed space to sit back and see how things played out for a while and I said I have seen enough. I don't need to Hear anything else, I've Seen enough.

 

She was supposed come remove her items, I came home to find them still here as if she never came. I also find all of my patio furniture overtunrend and tossed off the deck and my grill tipped over off the deck and damaged. I didn't even bring it up but seriously how the hell did that happen. And why????

 

I haven't once cursed at her. I try to be down the middle and calm In convos. She throws verbal jabs. Is never wrong. And the entire convos are usually me apologizing to her that she feels the way she does. Last I checked we split up initially because of her actions not mine. Unreal. I've had enough.

 

Sad but I have the Clairty and piece of mind I was looking for. 5 married 10 together but now things that happened earlier in the relationship that bothered me make sense. I gave her the benifit of the doubt back then. Now with this nonsense. Her skipping out on counseling as I went once sometimes twice a week I know every time felt like she was being shady w me she most likely was. She fully knows what she's doing. Seems now she's hell bent on passing off all responsibility. I tried to even say it was both of our faults. Nope that didn't fly either. I'm done explaining myself. Justifying actions. I been reasonable. Enough is enough. I have a Ton going for myself. I'm Excitied to move on w my life and tackle new challenges. If I don't make it back thanks to all who replied and helped me out.

 

The responses and help I got on here really helped. Provided some good Insight

[Brady375]

Also in dealing with this process the one thing I have learned that helped me tremdously is this.

 

When asking for advice make sure ur going to the Right people. People that have your best interests at heart and who won't tell u what u want to hear. My grandmother was that person to me. She's no BS. Some people are self serving even close friends and maybe want u single. Makes them feel better about themselves or maybe they want u free to be single w them.

 

Another major thing i learned and this was huge when learning how to deal w the "process" of it all and how to find clarity and answers. The right answers. Let things naturally take their course. Don't force a decision, mainly major ones. Do we seperate? Do we divorce? Do we go to counseling or stop going? If your asking yourself these questions you Don't Know. So don't make a decision. Chill out. Sometimes when u don't know what to do the best thing to do is nothing. When i made these choices I Knew the answers. I had thought about making the decisions prior to actually doing it but i didn't KNOW the answer. When I knew i knew. No questions.

Things Will Naturally play out. And you will Know these answers when you know. You'll know as a matter of certainty and fact. You won't be second guessing them. This is atleast how I came to my answers.

 

The key to letting things happen naturally to find clarity and answers is while doing this and not forcing it make sure you are Putting your best foot forward everyday. Sure your not perfect and you'll slip up. But if your doing your best by your marriage and doing what's within your true mental and physcial abilities when you Naturally come to Find your answers your Conscious will be Clear. And you'll feel good.

 

There are no Short cuts. Don't try to take any. Let things play out, Never make Rash decisions based off of emotions when ur in the storm. Do this and you'll leave or go back happy and sure of yourself. I am.

Edited March 19, 2016 by Brady375