My ex boyfriend wants to get coffee...I still want to be with him

[Take_everything]

My ex and I dated six months and broke up 5 months ago. Basically, we got together not long after his died in a car accident. It was sort of the elephant in room, we never talked about it. have never lost a loved one and I have a lot of anxiety about it. I don't have a relationship with my father, but he aluded to his father being an alcoholic and abusive. He didn't SEEM to want to talk about it so I avoided the subject.

 

One day, after he lost his job he had a break down. He wasn't like himself, he was crying so much he could barely talk. He called himself all sorts of horrible names. He said he had been very depressed and spent most days in bed. He said it was exhausting pretending to be happy in front of me. He said i was emotionally unavailable.

 

I have to admit, I didn't see it coming. My only other relationship was with someone who was emotionally and physically abusive so to my mind the relationship was perfect. We didn't fight, and he was sensitive to my needs. He seemed fine.

 

I cried and begged for him back but he said he needed time. He said we might be together again, when he was in a better place but not to wait. I hoped against hope he'd change his mind but i never saw or heard from him again. I blamed myself for not being there for him. I feel like i am just now starting to move on, after months.

 

He messaged me out of the blue asking me how life was treating me and asking if I wanted to get coffee this week. I said yes and gave him my new number. Now i'm just waiting anxiously for him to text, if he does at all...

He mentioned he was going through a rough time. I know the anniversary of his dads death just past. I want to be there for him, not just because i want to get him back but because I care about him as a person. I am nervous about it though. I don't know how to send him the message he can talk to me about his grief without outright asking him about it.

 

Do you think he's reaching out to me because he wants emotional support? Or to get some clousure? Maybe he's just bored? Any hope he might want to give it another try?

 

tl;dr: ex dumped me because he was depressed. He's still depressed but has reached out to me to get coffee sometime. I want him back

[louxor]

If you do end up going, the only way to truly know what he wants is to ask him, just be prepared for it to potentially be not what you want to hear.

[neowulf]

tl;dr: ex dumped me because he was depressed. He's still depressed but has reached out to me to get coffee sometime. I want him back

 

When things become difficult in life, people often long for the familiar and comfortable. It's possible he just misses you and wants to reconnect to see how you're going. It *doesn't* necessarily mean he wants to get back together with you.

 

He may be seeking emotional support, or physical comfort from you. Given that you still have feelings for him, I'd advise about reopening that door.

 

You guys are ex's for a reason. Unless you want to go down the road of having your heart broken again, be very mindful about retreading this road.

[Take_everything]

Well, I want to be there for him if he needs emotional support but the whole reason he broke up with me was he felt I wasn't supportive emotionally. I mean, he has some good, close, long-term friendships. They might be more appropriate people to turn to if he just needs someone to talk to.

 

It doesn't really seem like him to want to hook up. Also we are meeting in a coffee shop in the middle of the day, how much physical comfort could I offer him in public?

[Scarlett.O'hara]

No one is going to be able to to tell you what his motives are, except him. You will find out soon enough. Just try and keep an open mind and try and keep your expectations low until you know exactly what his intentions are.

 

If the timing feels right, I don't see any harm in asking him how he has been coping with his loss. If he avoids answering you will know his limits, but if he opens up, then just go with it.

 

I think it is great that you are wanting to be supportive to him, but don't forget your own needs. If you think you are going to get hurt again or you think he might be playing games, then walk away.

 

Good luck!

[Take_everything]

I don't think this is very good advice. If he's reaching out because he's going through an emotionally difficult time or even just because he misses me, immediately jumping to talking about the break up is just going to upset us both.

[Jay87]

"Do you think he's reaching out to me because he wants emotional support? Or to get some clousure? Maybe he's just bored? Any hope he might want to give it another try?"

 

It could be one or two or all of these. The question you should ask yourself is "Either way, do I want to see him?"

 

You probably need closure as well. You describe it as sudden and you didn't see it coming. Might not be a bad idea to consult with him.

 

Good Luck,

 

Jay

[betterfly]

If you want to be there for him, just be there for him. Set the boundaries and don't let yourself be used in any way. As long as you respect yourself and are genuine with him, it should be fine.

 

If it was a shorter period of time, I would maybe advise you not to go, but five months seems like a long enough time.

 

Good luck!

[sowhynot]

I'd go.

 

Coffee sounds nice and relaxed without a hidden agenda (eg get you drunk for one more roll in the hay...).

 

Sometimes it can be difficult to really open up to someone you're close to for whatever reason, fear of frightening them off, fear of relying on someone too much, loads of possibilities.

 

I wouldn't over think things though or have any expectations - it could mean anything from an attempt at getting back together to having that final 'closure conversation - or something completely different entirely !

[Take_everything]

OK, follow up question. What if he never texts me to get coffee? He just said 'sometime" this week on Saturday. I gave him my number, which he didn't have before. I'm anxious as hell thinking he could text at anytime or not at all. If I don't hear from him in a week should I check in with him and ask when he's free to meet or just take the hint and drop it?

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Personally, no I wouldn't reach out to him. If he is serious about reconciling or becoming friends, or whatever he had in mind.. he has to make the effort so you know where you stand.

 

The last thing you want is to chase after someone who was only doing it for attention because they were bored, which is something you have already considered.

 

As hard as it is, try not to think about it too much. Don't let this make you weak, instead feel empowered for not settling for breadcrumbs.

 

You have your own life now. He doesn't have the right to just show up and mess that all up. He has to earn your trust before you let him back in your life.

[maysj18]

Ugh.

 

I just had a horrendous break up a few months ago over my ex's depression. Just everything collapsing on him at once and he was too overwhelmed- saw me as a "problem" rather than a comfort. It was hard on me and it still stings to think about it. I've moved on for the most part and started dating other people, but I'll likely be carrying that torch around forever.

 

He's been texting me recently and making small talk which both excites and infuriates me. keeping my mind clear is very hard when he tries to work his way in. It's going to be tough at times, but I know I have to keep my distance and I think you should too, OP. I am SO unbelievably sorry for your loss, but until they have had ample time to heal and grow, they will never be able to invest in a relationship.

 

Even if he wants you back, please read up on depression, how it affects men, etc. It's so easy to become codependent.

[Take_everything]

welp he texted me. it's going down friday. just a quick coffee before I go to work. I am so super anxious.

Edited January 28, 2016 by Take_everything

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I don't think this is very good advice. If he's reaching out because he's going through an emotionally difficult time or even just because he misses me, immediately jumping to talking about the break up is just going to upset us both.

 

Sorry, I completely missed this. I never said to discuss the break up, just to listen to what he has to say (he must have a reason he wants to see you). I also said if it feels right, ask him how he has been coping with his loss (of his father). Only if it feels right though.

 

welp he texted me. it's going down friday. just a quick coffee before I go to work. I am so super anxious.

 

Good luck!

[Take_everything]

Oh! that wasn't in response to you. A reply (that I can't seem to find?) suggested I not beat around the bush and tell him I want to get back together. I don't think that's a great course of action because he is probably reaching out to me because he wants some one to talk to about his grief and making it all about our break up right away might make him feel worse? also, I suspect he knows I still want him, I mean I cried and begged him not to leave me.

[Take_everything]

He bailed. Rescheduled for Monday but I'm not optimistic

[Robert]

Moderator note: We merged three duplicate threads, so the continuity of some of the posts may be off. No posts or responses have been deleted except for the duplicates. All content above is original and complete.

 

Thanks, and carry on. ~6

 

Oh! that wasn't in response to you. A reply (that I can't seem to find?) suggested I not beat around the bush and tell him I want to get back together. I don't think that's a great course of action because he is probably reaching out to me because he wants some one to talk to about his grief and making it all about our break up right away might make him feel worse? also, I suspect he knows I still want him, I mean I cried and begged him not to leave me.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

He bailed. Rescheduled for Monday but I'm not optimistic

 

Hmm.. that doesn't sound very promising. After what happened, he was lucky you even agreed to meet with him. Instead he takes it for granted. It might have been nerves or something, but it should still put you on guard.

 

One of the most important things in any relationship, be in romantic or platonic, is trust. You haven't even had the chance to meet up and he is already showing you how unreliable he is.

 

He has until Monday, but if he does it again, you should doubt his sincerity and seriously consider cutting contact with him permanently. You don't need these games in your life.

[Take_everything]

Hmm.. that doesn't sound very promising. After what happened, he was lucky you even agreed to meet with him. Instead he takes it for granted. It might have been nerves or something, but it should still put you on guard.

 

One of the most important things in any relationship, be in romantic or platonic, is trust. You haven't even had the chance to meet up and he is already showing you how unreliable he is.

 

He has until Monday, but if he does it again, you should doubt his sincerity and seriously consider cutting contact with him permanently. You don't need these games in your life.

 

He bailed AGAIN. He wants to do Friday but I'm actually super busy, I don't have a free day until the 13th

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I'm so sorry hear that. What a jerk! I stand by what I said before, now he is just playing games.

 

Whether this is intentional games or due to nerves, doesn't matter. It is disrespectful, and you don't need this messing with your head while you are still trying to get over him.

 

Please don't break your other commitments, he isn't worth it.

[betterfly]

Unfortunately I have to agree with the previous poster here. I would maybe still go for that coffee, but wouldn't be fully invested for sure.

[Qboro90]

He bailed AGAIN. He wants to do Friday but I'm actually super busy, I don't have a free day until the 13th

 

I notice a pattern starting here. If anything it should just tell you that he is still unsure of what he wants and wavering back and forth about what getting coffee with you might lead to. I know it doesn't seem like much but once you see someone face to face again it's going to be followed up with more interaction. You'll either text him because the door is now open to communicate or he will text you but do it very infrequently giving you mixed signals. So him bailing can show he's not sure what he's ready to start doing as far as interactions with you.

 

If he bails again then you should set him straight and tell him that while you would like to see him and catch up, you shouldn't keep bailing on a friend because it makes it seem like you're just penciled into his schedule and easily erased when something better comes along or he doesn't feel like it. So if he does want to get together , set a date and stick to it, or just tell him to stop by your house and bring coffee/lunch and you can have a casual lunc u at your place.

 

Good to see that you didn't say yes to Friday and re adjust your schedule just because he asked to hang that day. Don't appear too available and always able to see him otherwise he will take advantage and see you whenever he feels like it

[BC1980]

He bailed. Rescheduled for Monday but I'm not optimistic

 

Sometimes, it can be enough just to know that a person is willing to meet. It's enough to know that person is there should the desire to meet arise. Knowing is enough to offer comfort. Do you get what I'm saying? I agree with others that he might be looking for something familiar in a time of emotional struggles. Generally speaking, I don't think it's advisable to offer emotional support to an ex. Especially in this situation. I just don't feel that offering emotional support is the role of a dumpee. . . . especially when you still have feelings for him and want to get back together. Maybe years down the line, if you have no feelings for him, you could offer support, but this situation does not seem like the right time to do so.

[Take_everything]

Just an update. I still haven't seen him. I cancelled last time and he texted him twice asking to find an alternative time. I've been really busy I left things at that for a bit. He texted me on my birthday, the 14th (valentine's day) to say happy birthday and I suggested we meet this Sunday. He agreed. we'll see if it happens.

 

Thanks for all the advice guys. I feel like he is just testing the waters, seeing how willing I am to meet up. Maybe he doesn't even want to meet up but if just checking to make sure I still want him.

 

When we broke up I told him that if he ever felt like he was in the right place emotionally, I'd get back together in a heartbeat. He definitely stressed there was a possibility of that happening when he was "ready" so he probably likes the idea that I'm just out there waiting for him to walk back into my life at his convenience, whether or not he has any intention of doing so.

[Take_everything]

Well, I met him at last...

 

It was weird. He only stayed for exactly an hour. he paid for my coffee. We both seemed pretty nervous. It was really light and small talky. I felt weird because we mostly talked about what I have been up to. I babble when I'm nervous. I felt a bit like I was bragging about what I've been up to? I'm working, in university, playing a sport and going to Europe in the spring.

 

He said he's really down because he's broke. I knew he had financial problems but he hasn't been able to find a job since he got fired around when we broke up. So he says he is depressed because he doesn't have money to see friends and is still living with his mom. I feel like he was being more venerable with me about that stuff than he would have been when we were together but I had idea how to respond.

 

We didn't talk about the relationship or his dad at all.

 

He said we should get coffee again sometime, but I don't know if it's sincere.