How to cope when ex treated you well?

[amberjadej]

I keep reading all this breakup advice about how to stop glorifying your ex and think about who they really were/treated you.

 

but what if your ex treated you almost like a princess? Sure he had flaws, but for the most part, it was the best relationship I've had (other people have noticed what a great guy he was. It's not helping that all my friends and family are making comments about what a shame it is and how it's too bad we can't reconcile)

 

He wasn't abusive, didn't lie/cheat (he was actually bluntly honest), took me on dates regularly, surprised me with my favorite Sephora makeup/perfume/clothes from my favorite store, he was supportive and listened, he was a close friend as well my boyfriend.

 

This isn't just me romanticizing the relationship. He genuinely is a great guy and it breaks my heart knowing how lucky whoever he ends up with will be.

We only broke up because he is a critical care paramedic who is about to start a two year program to become a flight medic. He currently works 3 - 5 12 hour shifts a week, will have 2 - 3 8 hour class days with studying and 2 days of clinicals. Basically he and I did the math and I'd be able to see him a total of 2 times a month (if that) with an occasional hour long dinner here and there for 2 years. Then he admitted he also isn't as happy as he should be because he thinks our personalities are too different and wouldn't mix well long term. He said I'm a great girl and will make some guy happy but it won't be him. The breakup seemed so easy for him and I'm devastated. He claims he still loves me but he needs to do what's best for him. What's annoying to me is that I mentioned multiple times that I thought our differences would affect us and he said it wouldn't. We got along fairly well so I'm still murky on what he means by that.

 

Basically, how do I move on? I can't just think "Well I'm better without him" or "He doesn't deserve me" because neither of those are true. I can't stand the thought of him finding a girl that actually makes him as happy as he should be. She's going to be so lucky. I tried being an amazing girlfriend and he even said how wonderful I was and how I supported him at his lowest points.

Can you still love someone but not want to be with them anymore?

I don't know if he means he got bored, I wasn't good enough, he lost feeling, etc.

We're supposed to have a closure conversation on the phone tomorrow and then I plan on doing no contact even though it'll kill me. We broke up so suddenly and unexpectedly and I left so quickly that I never really got any answers.

Edited January 27, 2016 by amberjadej

[BlueIris]

I don’t know. Believe him that he loves you but that it can’t work for him even though you are a great person. I bet he didn’t want to hurt you at all.

 

I just broke up with my boyfriend for similar reasons. It just couldn’t work for a lifetime because we were too different. He is a wonderful person and it was awful to hurt someone that you care about and who did absolutely nothing wrong. I told him I want to be his friend forever but he said he can’t be around me, which makes sense. But it just sucks that he’s sad. It couldn’t be for a lifetime for us. We weren’t compatible in too many ways no matter how we tried.

 

I hope the conversation goes well.

[amberjadej]

I don’t know. Believe him that he loves you but that it can’t work for him even though you are a great person. I bet he didn’t want to hurt you at all.

 

I just broke up with my boyfriend for similar reasons. It just couldn’t work for a lifetime because we were too different. He is a wonderful person and it was awful to hurt someone that you care about and who did absolutely nothing wrong. I told him I want to be his friend forever but he said he can’t be around me, which makes sense. But it just sucks that he’s sad. It couldn’t be for a lifetime for us. We weren’t compatible in too many ways no matter how we tried.

 

I hope the conversation goes well.

 

If this isn't my business, please say so. I'd like to get your take on it; to see it from the dumper's side. How were you guys too different? Also, do you still love him but it just wouldn't work? Or did your feelings fade?

 

We broke up once for a few days a couple of months ago due to his upcoming schedule but we reconciled.

Anyway, after that breakup he said he wanted to be friends and still talk and be in each other's lives but it doesn't seem that way this time. He said again this time we could still be friends and chat (it'll be awhile before I'd be able to but still) but when I've texted him about what time we can talk tomorrow and about getting a couple of my things back (I'm being very polite/civil) he seems hesitant to answer and is reading them but not responding.

Edited January 27, 2016 by amberjadej

[BlueIris]

It’s ok to ask.

I’d say that it really boiled down to our attitudes and energy levels- which would not be a universal reason, of course. He was what people call laid-back. I am what people call energetic. (trying to use positive words here! Lol) So when he had a few problems (sexual, financial and family) crop up while we were together he was very slow in addressing them. I also had problems crop up but I took a more urgent approach to solving things. We talked about being like the tortoise and the hare in the simplest sense. He described himself as a big dog that lies in the sun. He's a true sweetie, but....

 

Does that make sense? No good or bad, just not a fit.

Edited January 27, 2016 by BlueIris
deleted crappy analogy

[amberjadej]

It's funny you say that. He and I have said I'm more high energy and extroverted and he's more laid back and introverted. I've never really thought it would affect us though and he always said it didn't bother him.

 

Do you think that could potentially make him not as happy as he could be with me?

Did you still love him or were you over it already?

 

Thank you, you've given me a little clarity on how maybe not to take it so personally.

[BlueIris]

Are you energetic too?! LOL!

Oh, I love him. He's wonderful. But I would have gone nuts. I need someone who bursts with enthusiasm at least sometimes, who has fire in him sometimes, at least feels pressure and excitement to solve things, make things better.

 

Ick. I don't want to make him sound bad- he's not, in any way at all. It's just that I'm goofy and energetic and laugh a lot and want to do things and have ambitions and he didn't. Given that I had to leave the passivity, even though he was sweet, I'm surprised that you didn't leave him- I left my BF. I don't know what to say about your ex's happiness. But I hope you find a guy who lights you up!

[amberjadej]

I have to admit looking back, there were moments when he didn't seem as enthusiastic as I guess I needed/wanted him to be. Sometimes he'd have a straight face during things and I interpreted that as him being cranky.

 

He was goofy and silly sometimes though and made me laugh a lot, but due to being an introvert, he needed lots of alone time and I didn't. I loved spending lots of time with him and he'd need days to himself to "decompress" as he called it.

 

Long term, I realize we probably would've broken up anyway because he didn't want kids and probably didn't want to get married (he said he'd have to think about it; he was burned by an ex fiance pretty badly) and I want both of those things.

 

He didn't know I wanted kids but he knew I probably wanted to get married.

 

So logically, I'm sure between that and the time constraints, we would've broken up anyway but it's just hard because we didn't break up for those reasons. We broke up because he wasn't super happy with me. That makes it feel more personal and hurtful.

 

But you've really helped me! Legit I appreciate it. I don't have many unbiased people I can talk to about this and am feeling fairly isolated which isn't helping/making me miss him less.

[BlueIris]

...

it's just hard because we didn't break up for those reasons. We broke up because he wasn't super happy with me. ...

 

Let me ask you...

If he wouldn't be "super happy" with anyone, would that make a difference to you?

What if he's just not a "super happy" person and kind of neutral in general, would that make a difference in how you view this?

If the reason he wasn't super happy with you because of a personality trait that you love about yourself?

 

My point is, we never really know and there are so many reasons we break up with people that really shouldn't hurt (even though they do).

 

There is someone for you out there, probably many people who will both love and appreciate who you are as you are. He just wasn't it and he knew it before you did.