Commitment Phobe ex wants to be friends..

[TakeItOrLeaveIt85]

I know you're reading the title screaming 'oh gosh lady don't be a bloody cliche' and I agree, us women have to stop making overwhelmingly bad choices in the name of keeping them around/secretly hoping they will wake up and realise what mistake it is they have made.

 

My ex L and I dated for five months, he lives on casual sex to feed his sexual needs without having to be too close to anyone. He doesn't mix emotions and sex, hence why we never had sex. Month five of dating he started being notibley cold with me, and avoiding any intimacy and avoided staying over the few times we did see each other over that period, and it was very obvious and hurt me a lot and I am still trying to work out why I spent endless days and nights anxious about the fact I was going to lose him.

 

After going out for dinner on the weekend, I asked if he was staying over and he made his excuses, and I just looked at him and said 'This isn't working is it, why won't you let me in' I got out of the car, he looked so sad. He messaged me saying he is sorry and it's complicated, that he hopes I understand (I do I really do, but I can't keep hurting) so I sent him a message explaining that I understand everything, but if it's getting to the point he is avoiding spending more than a few hours with me, we might as well just back away.

 

He messaged asking to see me the next day and explained that he just can't be anyones anything, that he knows where this is going and it's scaring the crap out of him and he doesn't want a relationship now or ever. He looked so sad, and pleaded we stay friends, how he doesn't want to lose me in his life.

 

The thing with L and I is, we build an emotional bond, I am one of the only people he let so close an for such a considerable amount of time. I don't speak from a place of ignorance when I say that he doesn't want to lose me, but I can hang around being his emotional crutch while he goes out there and finds himself.

 

He started to speak about me dating other people and how they would have to pass his test (the idea of that however unlikely makes me laugh) and I just looked at him blankly and said 'why are we speaking to this now, he said 'just let me say it, we need to look at the reality, this will happen, I can't be that person to you'

 

Anyway after a lot of emotional stuff, staring at me, demanding I look at him (I was so broken, I couldn't look at him) and him saying he needs to see me look at him.

 

The idea of sticking around possibly watching as he moves on would hurt so much, and in the back of my stupid head I think 'This way I can still have him and still care for him' but we know it never works, we end up more hurt than before.

 

We are on day three of NC. He messaged me a few hours after leaving on Sunday, saying that he is thinking of me and he is sorry for what happened.

 

I want to come from a place of love, I care from him a lot.

 

The latest Hussey video on youtube has explained that we should come from a place of love in this situation, that saying that we support their choice and do so because we wish happiness because that's all we have ever wanted for them.

 

Hussey mentions saying something like 'I hope I am here for when you work it out, but for in the meantime I need to find someone that's all in and not confused' However I'm not sure how applicable that bit is seeing that the whole concept of relationships is scary for him. However I do want him to feel like I want his happiness but can't be around to watch/support him, and that he will lose me.

 

I guess I want him to feel like he has lost me, and perhaps fight to keep me in his life?

 

I am really confused, I want to be in his life but know the damage that may be done long term - what if he starts dating, what if I carry my feelings for years and years and end up bitter twisted and alone. I just want him, but he can't and won't love me.

 

Male and Female perspective welcome,

 

Thank you

 

J

Edited January 27, 2016 by TakeItOrLeaveIt85

[TaraMaiden2]

Oh gosh lady - Don't be a bloody cliché....!

 

You already know the answer.

Why are you even asking the question?

 

If you have a gangrenous limb, no matter how painful it may be to lose it - lose it.

 

You will heal. But you have to take the appropriate measures.

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

 

Parents smack the people they love.

It's called 'tough Love'.

 

Do what you need to do.

For him.

But especially for yourself.

 

Read the NC Guide in my signature, and stick to it, to the letter, no ifs buts or maybes.

 

It's a clean break you need.

 

Just do it.

[TakeItOrLeaveIt85]

Hey!

 

Thank you for the reply and link, I read it all and completely agree the need for NC and personal healing.

 

This is my third (or I guess fourth? he left 12pm on Sunday!) day of contemplation, and it's been super hard what is purely my thought process or me trying to achieve a reaction.

 

I will resume no contact once I make my peace, I know what a lot of you will say, if you are the dumped, why would you need to be the one to make peace?

 

I won't make excuses for him, although he is very messed up, and caused me a lot of hurt and confusion, purposely or otherwise, may it be that he was being a complete coward or just didn't realise we would end up dating so long (in terms of how long her generally dates) we have always been very close, and as much as I want to be furious with him, I watched his body language and expressions when he spoke about 'Relationship, is this where it's going' - it's like someone poured loads of cockroaches on him, he just looked so uncomfortable and like it could be the worst thing in the world for him. it genuinely looked like he was about to have a seizure! How can I be cruel or bitter, or just leave him thinking I hate him?

 

I have accepted that he can't be with me, and in the long run, subconsciously I know can't stop him finding better, if it's to happen it will.

 

I just want him to be happy, whatever that means for him, because I care for him and his happiness means almost as much as mine. However that said I can't be there on the sidelines watching on.

 

xx

[mightycpa]

Takeitorleave it85? Or vaccillate85? Which is it?

[PegNosePete]

I know what a lot of you will say, if you are the dumped, why would you need to be the one to make peace?

If you are the dumped, why would you need to be the one to make peace?

 

Or rather, why do you need to make peace at all? Silence is very peaceful. I suggest you embrace No Contact immediately. It is the most peaceful thing you could hope for.

[DarkHorizon]

I will resume no contact once I make my peace, I know what a lot of you will say, if you are the dumped, why would you need to be the one to make peace?

 

I won't make excuses for him, although he is very messed up

 

I just want him to be happy, whatever that means for him, because I care for him and his happiness means almost as much as mine. However that said I can't be there on the sidelines watching on.

 

I know how you feel. Sometimes I still feel the same way towards my ex, who, after four years, cheated on me and dumped me. But you know what? All that doesn't matter. Her reasons to dump me? Doesn't matter. At some point, you have to realize that, no matter how much you want him to be happy, you need to be happy first, and you can only do that by healing - which does NOT include him in the process.

 

It is about you now. Go NC and leave him behind. He will go his own way and maybe find happiness. You have no control of it. But you do have control of your next steps - and those can lead to you happiness.

[TaraMaiden2]

Hey!

 

Thank you for the reply and link, I read it all and completely agree the need for NC and personal healing.

 

This is my third (or I guess fourth? he left 12pm on Sunday!) day of contemplation, and it's been super hard what is purely my thought process or me trying to achieve a reaction.

 

I will resume no contact once I make my peace, I know what a lot of you will say, if you are the dumped, why would you need to be the one to make peace?

 

I won't make excuses for him, although he is very messed up, and caused me a lot of hurt and confusion, purposely or otherwise, may it be that he was being a complete coward or just didn't realise we would end up dating so long (in terms of how long her generally dates) we have always been very close, and as much as I want to be furious with him, I watched his body language and expressions when he spoke about 'Relationship, is this where it's going' - it's like someone poured loads of cockroaches on him, he just looked so uncomfortable and like it could be the worst thing in the world for him. it genuinely looked like he was about to have a seizure! How can I be cruel or bitter, or just leave him thinking I hate him?

 

I have accepted that he can't be with me, and in the long run, subconsciously I know can't stop him finding better, if it's to happen it will.

 

I just want him to be happy, whatever that means for him, because I care for him and his happiness means almost as much as mine. However that said I can't be there on the sidelines watching on.

 

xx

 

The previous 3 posters all make highly valid points. Unarguable, in fact....

 

You're not looking to 'make peace'.

 

You're seeking Closure.

A final say.

Some talk on the whys and wherefores.

 

Please re-read the section in the link about 'closure'.

 

Doing NC is a black-and-white thing.

There is no either/or/if.

 

It's this or that, and there's no in-between.

 

So frankly, you are either going to implement No Contact - for good, to the good - or you're not.

[Toodaloo]

Take It you know the answer. You know this guy is not worth the air he breathes and yet you ask?

 

Come on girl put your grown up pants on and get rid. No contact, don't phone don't chase, don't answer calls...

 

Trust me he will not notice. His head is too far up his back side to see the real world and you are in danger of missing out because of those rose tinted glasses... Take them off fast.

 

This guy doesn't give two hoots. You are trash to him. Stop treating yourself like that.

[Toodaloo]

The latest Hussey video on youtube has explained that we should come from a place of love in this situation, that saying that we support their choice and do so because we wish happiness because that's all we have ever wanted for them.

 

Hussey mentions saying something like 'I hope I am here for when you work it out, but for in the meantime I need to find someone that's all in and not confused' However I'm not sure how applicable that bit is seeing that the whole concept of relationships is scary for him. However I do want him to feel like I want his happiness but can't be around to watch/support him, and that he will lose me.

 

 

Hussey is talking about people who respect each other. Not a-holes who treat you like dirt. You are mis-reading/ hearing what he is saying. You need to go back a fair few steps here. If you had started at step 1 you would never have been with this guy.

[TakeItOrLeaveIt85]

Really appreciate the no nonsense comments. Just having a hard time accepting it all and getting beyond the guy I thought he was, and the millions of excuses I have at the ready.

 

It's difficult to see what was real and what wasn't, it's still early days and I'm just feeling overwhelmingly sentimental.

 

X

[BC1980]

The thing with L and I is, we build an emotional bond, I am one of the only people he let so close an for such a considerable amount of time. I don't speak from a place of ignorance when I say that he doesn't want to lose me, but I can hang around being his emotional crutch while he goes out there and finds himself.

 

Obviously, don't be friends with him. But to get more specific, this paragraph jumped out at me because you are doing what a lot of us do after relationships. You are trying to elevate your worth compared to anyone else he has dated. You think you are special in some way. A lot of people say that their ex got close to them in a different way.

 

The truth is that you weren't special enough for him to stay with you. Stop making excuses for an adult by saying he has intimacy issues. That is so lame and cliche. He's not a commitment phobe. He just doesn't want to commit to you. It's not exactly anything new that a guy is able to have multiple sexual partners with no feelings attached. That's kind of par for the course for most men.

 

Just stay away from him.

[TaraMaiden2]

Oh, this....^^^ THis is sooooo, so true.....

[Redhead14]

I know you're reading the title screaming 'oh gosh lady don't be a bloody cliche' and I agree, us women have to stop making overwhelmingly bad choices in the name of keeping them around/secretly hoping they will wake up and realise what mistake it is they have made.

 

My ex L and I dated for five months, he lives on casual sex to feed his sexual needs without having to be too close to anyone. He doesn't mix emotions and sex, hence why we never had sex. Month five of dating he started being notibley cold with me, and avoiding any intimacy and avoided staying over the few times we did see each other over that period, and it was very obvious and hurt me a lot and I am still trying to work out why I spent endless days and nights anxious about the fact I was going to lose him.

 

After going out for dinner on the weekend, I asked if he was staying over and he made his excuses, and I just looked at him and said 'This isn't working is it, why won't you let me in' I got out of the car, he looked so sad. He messaged me saying he is sorry and it's complicated, that he hopes I understand (I do I really do, but I can't keep hurting) so I sent him a message explaining that I understand everything, but if it's getting to the point he is avoiding spending more than a few hours with me, we might as well just back away.

 

He messaged asking to see me the next day and explained that he just can't be anyones anything, that he knows where this is going and it's scaring the crap out of him and he doesn't want a relationship now or ever. He looked so sad, and pleaded we stay friends, how he doesn't want to lose me in his life.

 

The thing with L and I is, we build an emotional bond, I am one of the only people he let so close an for such a considerable amount of time. I don't speak from a place of ignorance when I say that he doesn't want to lose me, but I can hang around being his emotional crutch while he goes out there and finds himself.

 

He started to speak about me dating other people and how they would have to pass his test (the idea of that however unlikely makes me laugh) and I just looked at him blankly and said 'why are we speaking to this now, he said 'just let me say it, we need to look at the reality, this will happen, I can't be that person to you'

 

Anyway after a lot of emotional stuff, staring at me, demanding I look at him (I was so broken, I couldn't look at him) and him saying he needs to see me look at him.

 

The idea of sticking around possibly watching as he moves on would hurt so much, and in the back of my stupid head I think 'This way I can still have him and still care for him' but we know it never works, we end up more hurt than before.

 

We are on day three of NC. He messaged me a few hours after leaving on Sunday, saying that he is thinking of me and he is sorry for what happened.

 

I want to come from a place of love, I care from him a lot.

 

The latest Hussey video on youtube has explained that we should come from a place of love in this situation, that saying that we support their choice and do so because we wish happiness because that's all we have ever wanted for them.

 

Hussey mentions saying something like 'I hope I am here for when you work it out, but for in the meantime I need to find someone that's all in and not confused' However I'm not sure how applicable that bit is seeing that the whole concept of relationships is scary for him. However I do want him to feel like I want his happiness but can't be around to watch/support him, and that he will lose me.

 

I guess I want him to feel like he has lost me, and perhaps fight to keep me in his life?

 

I am really confused, I want to be in his life but know the damage that may be done long term - what if he starts dating, what if I carry my feelings for years and years and end up bitter twisted and alone. I just want him, but he can't and won't love me.

 

Male and Female perspective welcome,

 

Thank you

 

J

 

Most of the time a woman will "accept" friendship with an ex, but deep down inside she is hoping that the other person will change and she wants to be there when/if that happens. But, it's a very lonely and painful journey that eventually ends AGAIN.

 

You know what to do. No contact forever . . .