Liam1 Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 Hi All: I am a married other man who had an affair with a married woman. I am now trying to save my marriage. My MOW however will not let go. No matter how many times and how many ways. My OW initiated the affair. She promised it was just about sex and fun and escaping the daily grind. I was at the time looking for the same. I made it clear that I was not interested in leaving my wife. She made it clear she was not interested in leaving her husband. I believed her. I started to feel guilty about hurting my wife and marriage and ended the affair about three years ago. Nevertheless, the OW continues to contact me and worse she has started to contact my wife providing graphic details of our affair to my wife. Most of these details have already been divulged on the advise of my marriage counselor. Still, hearing them again and from the OW is really hurting my wife. Does anyone have advice on how to make it clear to the OW that the affair is over. Are there any OWs who had difficulty letting go, but then finally found a way to let go? Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 It seems to me that perhaps the best way of shutting this crap down is to bring her husband into the picture. Is he? 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Liam1 Posted January 27, 2016 Author Share Posted January 27, 2016 It seems to me that perhaps the best way of shutting this crap down is to bring her husband into the picture. Is he? Gorilla theater: Thank you for the reply. It is a good suggestion. The only issue is this woman now claims her husband would harm her physically if he found out. After I tried to end the affair, suddenly she claimed she was lying about just wanting an affair. Suddenly she wanted marriage and kids and the whole nine yards. I really regret ever having the affair. It has caused so much harm to my wife and marriage. I read somewhere that women can never truly have emotionally detached sex, the way most men can. I guess that is true. I am very angry at the OW for the bait and switch routine. At the same time, I don't want her husband to hurt her. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 Hi All: I am a married other man who had an affair with a married woman. I am now trying to save my marriage. My MOW however will not let go. No matter how many times and how many ways. My OW initiated the affair. She promised it was just about sex and fun and escaping the daily grind. I was at the time looking for the same. I made it clear that I was not interested in leaving my wife. She made it clear she was not interested in leaving her husband. I believed her. I started to feel guilty about hurting my wife and marriage and ended the affair about three years ago. Nevertheless, the OW continues to contact me and worse she has started to contact my wife providing graphic details of our affair to my wife. Most of these details have already been divulged on the advise of my marriage counselor. Still, hearing them again and from the OW is really hurting my wife. Does anyone have advice on how to make it clear to the OW that the affair is over. Are there any OWs who had difficulty letting go, but then finally found a way to let go? Tell her husband about the affair! That will stop her from bothering you as she will have to deal with her own consequences and face him. If her husband is abusive (which I doubt, I think it's a scare tactic from keeping you from telling him) then she can go to a shelter or leave him, go to her parents place or a friend. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
TheWoman Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 Threaten a restraining order. If that doesnt work, look into actually doing it, shes sounds like a bunny boiler. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Liam1 Posted January 27, 2016 Author Share Posted January 27, 2016 Tell her husband about the affair! That will stop her from bothering you as she will have to deal with her own consequences and face him. If her husband is abusive (which I doubt, I think it's a scare tactic from keeping you from telling him) then she can go to a shelter or leave him, go to her parents place or a friend. Whichwayisup: Thank you. I think I may have take the suggestions here to contact her husband. I really want to save my marriage and when the OW contacts my wife, it's like pouring salt in her wounds. I really just wanted an affair, nothing more. I really regret it now, but you know....shoulda' coulda' woulda" Why do you think she is lying about the husband being abusive, if he is told? Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 The only issue is this woman now claims her husband would harm her physically if he found out. I probably lean towards cynicism, and that's certainly true in this case. Color me skeptical. But even if it's true, it's on her. If he is truly physical abusive, she's had the option all along of leaving him. If she's so concerned about him finding out, she's been playing with fire by harassing you and particularly your wife. I say protect your family. If that means going to the husband, then by god do it. Any consequences are hers to deal with. And don't warn her beforehand that you're going to. Don't give her the chance to spin you as the crazy stalker guy who's bothering HER. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 Gorilla theater: Thank you for the reply. It is a good suggestion. The only issue is this woman now claims her husband would harm her physically if he found out. After I tried to end the affair, suddenly she claimed she was lying about just wanting an affair. Suddenly she wanted marriage and kids and the whole nine yards. I really regret ever having the affair. It has caused so much harm to my wife and marriage. I read somewhere that women can never truly have emotionally detached sex, the way most men can. I guess that is true. I am very angry at the OW for the bait and switch routine. At the same time, I don't want her husband to hurt her. How he reacts to what she did to him is not your concern. Especially considering she has lied so much there is no reason to believe he would physically harm her. However, if you do not want to out her to her husband, I suggest sending her a no contact letter informing her that continued attempts to contact you will result in legal action. Then block her from all forms of electronic communication and from your phones. If she continues to contact you or your wife, call the police and/or a lawyer. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
amomwhoknows Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 Cheaters lie, right? I would tell him. However, you should fairly easily be able to block all forms of communication from the OW to your wife. Why hasn't this happened? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 Why do you think she is lying about the husband being abusive, if he is told? To do what's she so far has been able to accomplish: to keep you quiet. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 Whichwayisup: Thank you. I think I may have take the suggestions here to contact her husband. I really want to save my marriage and when the OW contacts my wife, it's like pouring salt in her wounds. I really just wanted an affair, nothing more. I really regret it now, but you know....shoulda' coulda' woulda" Why do you think she is lying about the husband being abusive, if he is told? This woman, that you brought into your lives, is causing your wife pain. Defend your wife with everything you got! You owe her that. Why do we think OM is lying? Well, because that is a pretty common lie women tell their OM so that OM doesn't tell her husband, she has repeatedly lied to you, she has been lying to him, and that gives us every reason to believe she is lying about that, too. She wants to destroy your marriage, but she wants hers left intact. Do NOT let that happen. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Liam1 Posted January 27, 2016 Author Share Posted January 27, 2016 I I say protect your family. If that means going to the husband, then by god do it. Any consequences are hers to deal with. And don't warn her beforehand that you're going to. Don't give her the chance to spin you as the crazy stalker guy who's bothering HER. Gorilla guy: Thank you. I never thought she might spin me as the stalker guy. Yikes. I think I better get serious about taking action. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Liam1 Posted January 27, 2016 Author Share Posted January 27, 2016 This woman, that you brought into your lives, is causing your wife pain. Defend your wife with everything you got! You owe her that. Why do we think OM is lying? Well, because that is a pretty common lie women tell their OM so that OM doesn't tell her husband, she has repeatedly lied to you, she has been lying to him, and that gives us every reason to believe she is lying about that, too. She wants to destroy your marriage, but she wants hers left intact. Do NOT let that happen. MJJean: I really needed that 2 x 4. You are right. I brought this woman into my life, like an idiot and now it is harming my wife. You are right. I owe it to my wife to protect her. If outing the OW creates consequences, I still owe it to my wife to protect her from this OW. The OW claimed she only wanted an affair and should have known that if her husband ever found out he would get violent. I truly hope she is lying about his and that this is a common thing and OW who wants to ruin my marriage would say. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Gracie_1 Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 Dear Ex AP, I'm sorry that you are having such a difficult time letting go of what was a bad choice on both of our parts. I am working on repairing the damage done to my relationship with my wife and family daily and your continued contact is not acceptable. I am requesting that this be the end of any and all contact. I am forwarding a copy of this letter to my attorney. The next copy will come via certified mail to your husband if you contact either my wife or myself again. Per my attorney if that is not enough to stop harassment we will file a restraining order. Your Ex AP xxxxxx _______________________________________________ If she wants your water muddy, make her water muddy also. Then she will have something to clean up at her own house. Hard enough for everyone to move on without this kind of nonsense. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Liam1 Posted January 27, 2016 Author Share Posted January 27, 2016 Cheaters lie, right? I would tell him. However, you should fairly easily be able to block all forms of communication from the OW to your wife. Why hasn't this happened? We have blocked her as much as we can. We changed our home number, but we still live at the same address and the OW calls from phone numbers of friends or other people It's easy to find our unlisted home number with the various search organizations. The OW has also sent letters. I think you are all accurate. It's time to contact an attorney and get tough on her. Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 MJJean: I really needed that 2 x 4. You are right. I brought this woman into my life, like an idiot and now it is harming my wife. You are right. I owe it to my wife to protect her. If outing the OW creates consequences, I still owe it to my wife to protect her from this OW. The OW claimed she only wanted an affair and should have known that if her husband ever found out he would get violent. I truly hope she is lying about his and that this is a common thing and OW who wants to ruin my marriage would say. "If my husband finds out, he'll hurt me" and "I'll kill myself without you." are in the Psycho OW Handbook. It's not your job to protect her from the consequences of her actions, whatever the consequences may be. It IS your job to protect your wife, by any means necessary. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Liam1 Posted January 27, 2016 Author Share Posted January 27, 2016 _______________________________________________ If she wants your water muddy, make her water muddy also. Then she will have something to clean up at her own house. Hard enough for everyone to move on without this kind of nonsense. Hi Gracie: The OW was sent a no contact email by me. The only reason I have not contacted gotten a restraining order is because I do not want her husband to harm her. Alas, I think it is time for me to do that to protect my wife and marriage. I needed to hear that from others. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Liam1 Posted January 27, 2016 Author Share Posted January 27, 2016 "If my husband finds out, he'll hurt me" and "I'll kill myself without you." are in the Psycho OW Handbook. It's not your job to protect her from the consequences of her actions, whatever the consequences may be. It IS your job to protect your wife, by any means necessary. MjJean. I have found out about this consequence of an affair the hard way. I was an idiot to get into this affair. Now I need to protect my wife. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Liam1 Posted January 27, 2016 Author Share Posted January 27, 2016 Threaten a restraining order. If that doesnt work, look into actually doing it, shes sounds like a bunny boiler. The woman: I hope not. I hope she can let go without too much toughness on my part. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Liam1 Posted January 27, 2016 Author Share Posted January 27, 2016 To do what's she so far has been able to accomplish: to keep you quiet. Gorilla Theater: I think you hit the nail square on the head. Time to spill the beans. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 Hi All: I am a married other man who had an affair with a married woman. I am now trying to save my marriage. My MOW however will not let go. No matter how many times and how many ways. My OW initiated the affair. She promised it was just about sex and fun and escaping the daily grind. I was at the time looking for the same. I made it clear that I was not interested in leaving my wife. She made it clear she was not interested in leaving her husband. I believed her. I started to feel guilty about hurting my wife and marriage and ended the affair about three years ago. Nevertheless, the OW continues to contact me and worse she has started to contact my wife providing graphic details of our affair to my wife. Most of these details have already been divulged on the advise of my marriage counselor. Still, hearing them again and from the OW is really hurting my wife. Does anyone have advice on how to make it clear to the OW that the affair is over. Are there any OWs who had difficulty letting go, but then finally found a way to let go? Thats terrible and every APs worst nightmare. Maybe with no response she will eventually tire out. Maybe you could get really extreme and call her on speaker with your wife and ask her if she wants to get anything else out with all three of you present on the line and ask her if she can then leave your family alone. Or you can both close your emails and change your phone number! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 If she was truly afraid of her husband, she wouldn't be contacting you and your wife. I say call her bluff. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 Gorilla theater: Thank you for the reply. It is a good suggestion. The only issue is this woman now claims her husband would harm her physically if he found out. After I tried to end the affair, suddenly she claimed she was lying about just wanting an affair. Suddenly she wanted marriage and kids and the whole nine yards. I really regret ever having the affair. It has caused so much harm to my wife and marriage. I read somewhere that women can never truly have emotionally detached sex, the way most men can. I guess that is true. I am very angry at the OW for the bait and switch routine. At the same time, I don't want her husband to hurt her. Frankly, the response here is: " if you're that scared of me telling him, then you better STFU or face the music. " And frankly, sorry, I rarely buy the "I'm so abused and controlled that my psycho husband clearly doesn't check my phone or check up on me enough for me not to get away with an affair and harassing another man's wife about it." She's highly manipulative and has probably messed with her husband's head so so badly. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 I dont think a restraining order unless shes coming around you...I think harrasment charges and telling her spouse and letting him know his wife will not stop contacting you and your wife despite you ending it, divulging to your spouse and requesting no contact. I think you can send her a certified 'decease and desist' letter drawn up by a lawyer? I think that kind of thing applies in this situation not sure. I hope involving your wife in this process and asking which of the options she feels is best, then doing that together brings you closer together and comforts her. Tackle this as a team with your wife, I feel like she might appreciate that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Liam1 Posted January 27, 2016 Author Share Posted January 27, 2016 Tackle this as a team with your wife, I feel like she might appreciate that. Good Suggestion. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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