MOM can't convince MOW it is over

[whichwayisup]

Gigi:

 

Be nice, if you can.

 

Your rather accusatory question has been already asked and answered. Did you read the thread or just shoot first and ask questions later?

 

I thought this was supposed to be a supportive forum.

 

My wife ALSO does not want to call the husband. If you read the thread you would know that.

 

Besides, If you read the thread you would know I have already talked to an attorney.

 

IMO, it's always best to be fully informed before offering advice. Particularly if your leveling inaccurate accusations

 

If the situation was reversed, would you want to know if your wife was cheating on you or would you rather not know and live your marriage and life with someone who had an A and was being harassed by their exAP.

 

Anyway I like the idea of the NC letter and letting her know NC must take place and if any more contact is initiated by her, consequences will follow and her husband will be told about her affair. Hopefully that will be enough for her to stop harassing you and your wife.

[Liam1]

@Liam1: Thank you for sharing your story here, as this gives us a great insight from affairs coming from a WH.[]

 

I am sorry, but I can't blame your wife for not trusting you. You said that she answers the call of the OW because she is afraid that you are still keeping things from her, which is understandable. I mean, even I have questions for you in this scenario: OW comes back after 3 years?Is there anyone with NC still have this kind of intense feelings towards their AP? So unless you are saying the truth that you definitely have NC with this person, I can say that the OW somewhat became mentally deranged for still pining on you after 3 years of NC.

 

All I can say is, you are very lucky with your wife. If I am the betrayed spouse, and the only reason that my WS can give me is he just wants an affair, is definitely a dealbreaker to me. I just don't see how she deserves to have this kind of torment. Poor woman.

 

Actually, Rysant, You are thinking like a man and therein lies the problem.

 

Our marriage counselor has insisted that attempting to rekindle after three years or even 20 on the part of an Other Woman, is quite common.

 

Men have affairs typically to experience a time of less routine sex.

 

Women typically have affairs because they are unhappy with their husband and want an emotional connection or are looking for a new mate.

 

Women fall in love with their affair partners more easily than do men.

 

Alas, I did not learn all this information until I sought marriage counseling. As a man I was only looking for a sexual fantasy relationship but my AP was looking for a real relationship, apparently.

 

So, if you are not in an affair, whether you are gay or straight, do not engage in one.

 

Love has often been described as a state of temporary insanity. So, I think the OW might be acting deranged but she is not actually any more or less deranged than anyone else who THINKS they are in love.

 

No, my wife did not deserve this kind of torment. I have offered to give her an amicable divorce, if she so wishes and a settlement that my attorney has told me would be way more than fair, if not a bit crazy on my part. We live in a no fault state.

 

Still, if she wants to divorce me I would respect that, given the situation, and I want her to be comfortable financially going forward. So I have offered her to give her all the properties we own, plus all our savings and 3/4's of the stock holdings as well as part of my pension and alimony as determined by the courts.

 

My wife does not want a divorce. So we are working on our new life.

[William]

Folks, we don't need our thread starters feeling like they should moderate their own threads so I'll help out.

 

First, the affair is in the past. Since there's no active affair being discussed, I've petitioned moderation to consider moving this thread out of Infidelity since this forum is for those in active affairs and this member apparently has been in recovery of their marriage for three or more years. The affair is long past.

 

Second, please do not engage in forensics, e.g. seeking to interrogate information about the affair in order to form editorial comments about the affair. The affair is over. Anything else will be considered by moderation to be argumentative.

 

Lastly, opinions about the current milieu are to be offered in a collaborative manner, seeking to assist the thread starter in convincing their former affair partner to cease and desist contact.

 

If I've left any wiggle room, consider that room filled to the brim and don't go there. Stick to the topic and treat the member who brought the topic here consistent with our guidelines. Thank you!

[Gigi2015]

Liam, I'm very sorry it came across that way. I'm also sorry about all the pain and guilt you're experiencing. We can all get confused and create chaos.... Didn't mean it to sound critical...but--it is a logical question. I've read the thread and thought perhaps I've missed something. You sound genuine in your feelings to protect your wife and to be gentle on your ex OW. Have you had contact with the ex OW in the last 3 years? Have you tried to offer friendship and she has misconstrued things in some way? I guess it seemed odd at least to me, that if someone can exhibit that sort of self-restraint for this strong passion for so long, they would break NC after 3 years.

[RySant]

No, my wife did not deserve this kind of torment. I have offered to give her an amicable divorce, if she so wishes and a settlement that my attorney has told me would be way more than fair, if not a bit crazy on my part. We live in a no fault state.

 

Still, if she wants to divorce me I would respect that, given the situation, and I want her to be comfortable financially going forward. So I have offered her to give her all the properties we own, plus all our savings and 3/4's of the stock holdings as well as part of my pension and alimony as determined by the courts.

 

My wife does not want a divorce. So we are working on our new life.

 

Hmmm... I never thought I would say this but for the first time in my stay here in LS, you're the first one who convinced me that you are truly, and sincerely sorry for what you've done. No wonder your wife chose to stay with you.

[Liam1]

If the situation was reversed, would you want to know if your wife was cheating on you or would you rather not know and live your marriage and life with someone who had an A and was being harassed by their exAP.

 

 

Would I want to know of an affair, if it had ended, as mine did, and the marriage was working fine and my spouse learned a valuable lesson about staying away from affairs?

 

I am not sure I would care to know. I may prefer to remain oblivious. Particularly if my spouse were treating me well.

 

As for the harassing ex AP part. If I did not know about the affair, the harassment thing would be irrelevant, right? What I don't know does not effect me, right?

[Gigi2015]

This is why to come clean: They don't understand what happened, can't process it emotionally...both the BS and the OW. They're left to deal with the insecurity of a ghost, of being in the dark....of feeling emotional/physical distance, of having experienced gas lighting, of walking on eggshells, etc. Not understanding when it began or why or what changed. This gives people a great sense of insecurity....they're left with fear and misunderstanding.....and unsure of what the future might hold: they don't understand what happened....and if you don't know the reason it can happen again...so don't believe the "What they don't know won't hurt them." Please visit the BS and OW to get a sense of the trayectory....people can sense when things aren't right.

Edited January 28, 2016 by Gigi2015

[sandylee1]

I'll go a little bit of a different route than everyone else. Have you checked her husband out? Like Googling him, social media, seeing who his friends are...maybe this would put your mind at ease to what kind of man he really is, since she's made you concerned for her safety.

 

We can all assume she's lying but you obviously care about her some what, or you could care less if her husband was abusive.

 

Even maybe a PI, to see what kind of lifestyle she lives, it doesn't take long to see if a woman is abused if you're looking for it.

 

Why spend any money hiring a P.I on this crazy woman who can't let go. If my husband had an affair and did this..it might just be the straw that broke the camel's back.

 

A very blunt NC letter to her..l

To leave your family alone and you regret ever having the affair..Further contact means you inform her H/your attorney.

 

I wish other MM read this and think twice.

[anika99]

Hi Anika:

 

I am not being defensive. If you want to assume that that is fine by me. It's a free country.

 

I think you are simply engaging in semantics with your comment, though.

 

Being amused by a situation where a women has CLAIMED she would be beaten. Is the same same as finding a women being beaten amusing. No matter how you slice and dice that thought.

 

No human being deserves to be beaten. Not even a liar. Finding it amusing that a liar being beaten when the women under discussion is being called a liar still indicates that one may find some "shaudenfraude" in the prospect of her being beaten.

 

People may lie about some things but that does mean they are lying about everything.

 

For example, I think you may be lying to yourself about you being a good person, given your comments.

 

Does that mean you lie about everything?

 

You are seeing meanings in people's posts that are just not there. I did not say your exOW is a bad person because she lies. I was referring to the way she continues to harass your wife 3 yrs on. No I am not a perfect person and I have done wrong in my life but I couldn't imagine going out of my way to cause another person pain. To my way of thinking a person who does that is not a good person but you are free to your own opinion. In any case have you and your wife considered changing your phone numbers and email addresses. Sorry if you already answered that question, I may have missed it.

[gettingstronger]

My husband could have written this! Our OW has intruded for three full years. We exposed to her husband, we got the police involved, we have done everything possible and just like you all, it just makes her more creative and devious. I can say, when we tried to get it to stop via exposure and legal remedies it just amped up the intensity. We've been ignoring it for a year and it has calmed a bit. I can tell you, it's like water torture. I never know if today will be a day of I intrusions or not. My only advice is to take care of your wife and her feelings. It's really all my husband can do for me. The damage is done, he brought this in to our lives but since we've decided to work on our marriage the blame game is pointless. We ride it out together and try to take care of each other when it happens. Good luck.

 

And FTR, our OW also claimed the abusive husband thing. In our case, it was just another part of the game. Nothing could be further from the truth. But that was our situation.

Edited January 28, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[Midwestmissy]

Still, if there is the possibility another human being will be harmed due to my actions, I am concerned. I would be concerned about any human being possibly being beaten because of something I did.

 

I get that the affair is over, and I believe that youre distressed by the actions of the xAP - but dude, this triggers me. You knew having an affair would hurt your wife yet did it anyway. So please don't say the above to your wife. She will cringe like I did. I also doubt there's abuse. An abused woman would be paralyzed with fear to cheat. She would have begged you to get her to a safe house, not continue to risk.

Edited January 28, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[Liam1]

My husband could have written this! Our OW has intruded for three full years. We exposed to her husband, we got the police involved, we have done everything possible and just like you all, it just makes her more creative and devious. I can say, when we tried to get it to stop via exposure and legal remedies it just amped up the intensity. We've been ignoring it for a year and it has calmed a bit. I can tell you, it's like water torture. I never know if today will be a day of I intrusions or not. My only advice is to take care of your wife and her feelings. It's really all my husband can do for me. The damage is done, he brought this in to our lives but since we've decided to work on our marriage the blame game is pointless. We ride it out together and try to take care of each other when it happens. Good luck.

 

Getting Stronger:

 

Thank you for chiming in. I think your suggestion for my wife and I to weather this storm together, as strong unit, is a good one.

 

The attorney also mentioned the escalating part, after the OW receives the letter. He is a former DA and he says he has seen this many times with former OWs after a break up, if they wanted a real relationship rather than an affair. It's very common, apparently.

 

A no contact letter, or any letter again asking for no contact, can have a contrary effect. Perhaps because it is another perceived rejection. Or maybe it's a challenge.

 

Neither my wife nor I wish to press harassment charges, we just want the OW to realize that a real relationship was never on the agenda and is never going to be a remote possibility.

 

It is not a rejection of the OW because the relationship was never meant to be permanent from the start. That was made clear, on her part an mine, repeatedly during the affair.

 

I really don't know what the OW will be thinking when she receives the letter because I was only looking for an affair and to me, when it was over, it was over. I had no desire to rekindle the affair ever.

 

I rarely think of her, either, except when she contacts my wife. At that time, the thoughts are not good ones.

 

I ended the affair because I did not like who I had become. All the sneaking around.....it was not something I wanted to continue.

 

I never even had to lie to my wife because she was so trusting. She never even questioned where I was during lunch at work, or if I came home a little late.

 

She just trusted that I was working late, as I often did. That makes me so sad, too, and it was even sadder that I took advantage of a nice trusting wife.

 

I think if I had to lie, my wife would have discovered the affair far earlier. She seems to know when I am telling a lie.

 

I truly hope the OW is lying about her husband's reaction if we have to expose the affair to him.

 

She did once tell me that if he somehow found out about the affair, she would only confess to an inappropriate attraction.

 

If she tries to spin it that I was the initiator and pursuer....I have shown the attorney the emails and texts I saved just in case this type of situation arose.

 

The emails and texts, tell the true story of who was the initiator and pursuer.

[Liam1]

I get that the affair is over, and I believe that youre distressed by the actions of the xAP - but dude, this triggers me. You knew having an affair would hurt your wife yet did it anyway. So please don't say the above to your wife. She will cringe like I did. I also doubt there's abuse. An abused woman would be paralyzed with fear to cheat. She would have begged you to get her to a safe house, not continue to risk.

Midwestmissy:

 

I can understand how those words might make a betrayed spouse cringe. Sorry you are being triggered and your anger at your husband is being focused onto me.

 

As mentioned in the prior postings in this thread. My wife has encouraged me NOT to contact the OW's husband.

 

Why?

 

She herself is concerned that the OW may be telling the truth about her husband and may be harmed.

 

Also, even if it is not true, my wife is worried about inflicting pain on the OW's betrayed spouse.

Edited January 28, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote and prune off-topic content

[Horton]

My thoughts on your situation differ from the majority here. You haven't told her husband about your affair with his wife and you have clung to her abuse claims in order to make your silence feel like a noble act, as though you were protecting her, when the reality is you were actually protecting yourself from him.

 

[]

Edited January 29, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Whoknew30]

Why spend any money hiring a P.I on this crazy woman who can't let go. If my husband had an affair and did this..it might just be the straw that broke the camel's back.

 

A very blunt NC letter to her..l

To leave your family alone and you regret ever having the affair..Further contact means you inform her H/your attorney.

 

I wish other MM read this and think twice.

 

H is evidently worried about ExOW safety. So if that's what's been holding this up for 3 years, then why not find out what kind of her H is, to take any fear out of the situation.

 

He's already owned the A & they already worked it out, this is the last thing bc he cares about her safety. I had a family member shot over an affair, it does & can happen. So after this long, might as know what you're dealing with before they tell on her.

 

Remember, regardless of if an A is for just sex or not, people don't go around having sex with another person they don't like, maybe not love but at some point he did like her as a person. I know BS don't like to hear that but it's usually true. That's why he cares, I get it. I wouldn't want something bad to happen to a person that I slept, just bc the BS hates them doesn't mean the WS does.

[Whoknew30]

I get that the affair is over, and I believe that youre distressed by the actions of the xAP - but dude, this triggers me. You knew having an affair would hurt your wife yet did it anyway. So please don't say the above to your wife. She will cringe like I did. I also doubt there's abuse. An abused woman would be paralyzed with fear to cheat. She would have begged you to get her to a safe house, not continue to risk.

 

Absolutely untrue to say a abused woman wouldn't have an A. I know several abused women that were hit that had A. It's called exit A, when they're trying to get out. Now, I don't know if this is the situation or not but one can not say it's not, unless you know them personally.

[ChickiePops]

Midwestmissy:

 

I can understand how those words might make a betrayed spouse cringe. Sorry you are being triggered and your anger at your husband is being focused onto me.

 

As mentioned in the prior postings in this thread. My wife has encouraged me NOT to contact the OW's husband.

 

Why?

 

She herself is concerned that the OW may be telling the truth about her husband and may be harmed.

 

Also, even if it is not true, my wife is worried about inflicting pain on the OW's betrayed spouse.

 

I appreciate yours and your wifes' compassion about not wanting to hurt the OW's husband, but respectfully, your BS is not the one who would be inflicting the pain on him. His wife is (and you when you were in the affair, but you've clearly owned up entirely and are atoning for your own sins here so no disrespect..I'm just stating that as a fact).

 

OP, it is neither yours nor your wife's job to protect the OW. I don't mean to sound callous, but like a few others have pointed out, her claims of physical abuse are straight out of an OW handbook. Unless you yourself have seen proof of this abuse, I'm not entirely sure I'd believe it.

 

Your wife deserved the chance that you gave her to choose whether or not to stay in a relationship with someone who betrayed her, and from the way you speak about your reconciliation process it seems to be going well so congratulations on that...but don't you think that the OW's husband deserves that same opportunity? The OW chose to enter into an affair just as you did. You are paying your dues and she needs to do the same.

 

Also, healthy people do not stalk their ex affair partners. The OW seems to be coming apart a bit and obviously needs a push in the right direction to move on.

 

It's time to stop protecting the OW and start protecting your wife. She is the one who's getting the worst end of the stick right now, having to deal with being stalked by this unhinged OW.

 

I wish you and your wife the best of luck with this.

[Clockwatching]

Good grief, I have nothing to say but good luck with this situation - I hope it resolves well for you.

 

I concur with the original posters that you must first and foremost, protect your wife. If this lady is in an abusive relationship she is going entirely the wrong way about it to deal with that situation - she needs to find the right route to exit that relationship and there's no way that you can participate in that in a way that is healthy to your wife, or to the OW.

 

I also agree that it is not up to you to own the OW's truth (as you cannot own ANYONE'S truth on their behalf) and tell her husband, unless it threatens yours and your wife's well being and you are forced to do it in order to attain safety and distance.

 

These are things she needs to resolve in her own heart and soul and you cannot influence someone elses path in the way that she's asking you to - it would break you, your wife, and the OW - there is no way forward there.

 

Hmm, originally I had nothing to say - but in many ways I feel for you all, and hope that this is enough to make her re-evaluate her position and choose to deal with things in a better way, and allow you and your wife to move forward.

[ladydesigner]

I get that the affair is over, and I believe that youre distressed by the actions of the xAP - but dude, this triggers me. You knew having an affair would hurt your wife yet did it anyway. So please don't say the above to your wife. She will cringe like I did. I also doubt there's abuse. An abused woman would be paralyzed with fear to cheat. She would have begged you to get her to a safe house, not continue to risk.

 

You would think right?!

 

The MOW in our situation was being abused, she came into work (for my WH) battered and bruised. My WH felt sorry for her. I too did not want to tell her BS for fear that she would be beat. My WH and MOW broke NC together and at that point I had had enough. I told her BS. I don't know if anything happened to her after that, but I do know she was bold enough to take the A underground with my WH. Some abused women do take a risk!

[MJJean]

Still, if there is the possibility another human being will be harmed due to my actions, I am concerned. I would be concerned about any human being possibly being beaten because of something I did.

 

Except, if she were to be harmed, she would be harmed due to her own actions, not yours.

 

Also, other than the reasons usually stated, if the OW is still fertile I think there is an obligation to tell her H.

 

Stats claim that AP's, being married people and unused to using condoms, tend to forget to use birth control during sex. Others deliberately don't use anything because they don't want to and enjoy the spice of unprotected sex with new partners. If you go through the most trafficked infidelity and marriage forums, you'll come across a decent number of posts from women who have become pregnant during affairs or men who got a woman pregnant during an affair.

 

This man is making decisions every day in ignorance about the nature of his life and his marriage. Decisions he might have made differently if he did know. He could also end up raising a child that isn't his, if he's not already.

 

For so many reasons, he's got a right to know.

Edited January 29, 2016 by MJJean

[Susmay]

I can't claim to know whether or not this woman's husband will behave violently towards her. One thing I do know though is that if she really does believe he will hurt her, then this is unlikely to have come out of nowhere, so it's likely he already has a history of being violent towards her. Which begs the question of why is she still with him?

 

There can be are complex reasons why women stay with abusive men and why they would risk triggering violent behavior, by being unfaithful. (NB I'm not suggesting his violence is her fault, but there is certainly some faulty thinking and risk-taking behavior on her part)

 

Either way it's not your fault if she has chosen to stay with a man she knows has potential or form for violence. In any case it may just be a tactic to keep you quiet.

 

Given that you and your wife have chosen to repair your marriage, then IMO you owe it to your wife to do everything in your power to keep the OW out of your marriage. It seems it worked for 3 years but no longer, so yes exposure to spouse and family is one of the best deterrents, so I'd advise just doing it, with proof and with no additional warning to the OW.

Edited January 29, 2016 by Susmay

[Poppy47]

It seems to me that perhaps the best way of shutting this crap down is to bring her husband into the picture. Is he?

 

That's a fabulous idea. Why not all be out in the open and clear about this?

 

It will be one way to stop her harrasment of your wife. That is dreadful.

 

Poppy.

[gettingstronger]

So here is more of my story in case it helps-

 

What exposure did for us- not much- her husband exposed her to the whole town, she eventually tried to OD on tylenol- ended up having an organ transplant, they later divorced, their house has gone in to foreclosure and she STILL intrudes- legal remedies don't help much either as its anon contact and its hard to track-

 

What the intrusions look like: copies of emails and text, getting her "game worn" underware in the mail, free bridal magazines sent to our house with her first name and our last name on them- the list goes on and on..

 

Its been 3 years!

 

What has "worked"- my husband taking care of my needs and my reactions- when his guilt trumps my sadness we run in to issues- there are times when he feels so awful about bringing this in to our lives that I end up comforting him- sometimes thats OK sometimes it makes me mad- watch for your wifes reactions and adjust accordingly-

 

He is like you where it was suppose to be for fun- and she agreed- she even gave him the old "I am just like a guy, I can turn this stuff off in a minute"-

when he uses that as an excuse it makes me upset- try to stay away from the "I had no idea this would happen" the point is, it is happening and trying to explain it away leads to a "how stupid can you be" argument-

Also, try to stay away from the "I never lied to you" thing- that just reinforces how badly you took advantage of her trust and makes her feel stupid for trusting you-

 

I know all of the above is difficult to do in real time- but for us, its our challenges and triumphs-

 

Its a long road and I can not say your wife (or myself) will be able to handle it for the long run, but at least trying for now is what matters-

[Gigi2015]

Getting stronger:

What time elapsed between your husband ending the affair before she started with the harassment? Also--Did she become more aggressive after her H found out?

[Liam1]

My thoughts on your situation differ from the majority here. You haven't told her husband about your affair with his wife and you have clung to her abuse claims in order to make your silence feel like a noble act, as though you were protecting her, when the reality is you were actually protecting yourself from him.

 

[]

 

Hi Horton:

 

That is an interesting observation, albeit an incorrect one. When I broke off the affair, I encouraged the OW to confess to her husband and to get counseling and try to correct any perceived deficiency she felt existed in her marriage that led to the affair.

 

So, No, I am not worried about her husband finding out because I encouraged her to confess to him.