Whoknew30 Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 (edited) Umm, yeah. Look, I'm not a heartless b*tch and I've been there. My exH was physically abusive and the last time he left the marital home was in handcuffs for trying to choke me to death on the stairs. I'd started to lose consciousness and control of my bladder when the cops came in. So, really, I get it. And guess what? I was a WW during that marriage. So, I really, really get it. And, no, I never told my AP's about the abuse, in case anyone is wondering. I also didn't lie to or conceal from my exH or my AP's any of my extramarital activity. I'm more of a tell the truth and shame the devil type. The difference is, having been there, I understand better than most the hard facts. And the hard facts are that when you stay with a man who hits you, and you get hit, it is absolutely 100% your own dang fault. A man can't hit a woman who isn't there to be hit. Period. The first time is on him. Anything after that is on the woman who stays. It's not pretty. It's not PC. It's not all warm and fuzzy. It's cold, hard, reality. If her husband is hitting her, he's still doing it because she has decided to stay with him. That choice, just like in the case of an affair, is 100% on her as are the consequences. If she's lying, he has a right to know so he can make an informed decision about how he'll be conducting his life in the future. Either way, I think telling the BH is the right thing to do. But Liam's wife does not, so lets hope the cease and desist letter works. A true abuser has no right to anything. Even if OW chooses to stay (which would mean something isn't right with her) her husband doesn't deserve her in the first place, let alone the right of knowing anything she does. if truly abused, I can empathize with a woman falling in love with a AP that isn't abusive (& trying to hold on) doesn't make it right for her but I could understand it. Hopefully, this does work & if not, hopefully she's lying about being abused. Edited January 30, 2016 by Whoknew30 Spell check 1 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 3 years later and she's still hassling you because she hasn't learned any lessons about herself or made any changes to improve things. If I was still hating H's OW 3 years down the line when she had done nothing to seriously hurt me since dday I can guess most people here would tell me to grow up, get a life and move one. That is what she needs to do but I am guessing that instead of getting better, something has suddenly got worse for her and it has stirred up all the emotions from the affair. I can only guess she's very unhappy and I think you and your wife's compassion for her is the right reaction and does you both credit. However...... it has to made 100% clear that you are not interested and that any further intrusions WILL result in legal action and potentially informing her H. You are not the salve to heal her wounds. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 If I was still hating H's OW 3 years down the line when she had done nothing to seriously hurt me since dday I can guess most people here would tell me to grow up, get a life and move one. . ^^^^^^^^^ Spot on Waterwoman. Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 ^^^^^^^^^ Spot on Waterwoman. I agree. Sometimes I wonder if I am blocking it out, as I really don't feel much of anything towards the OW. Since I am also an xOW (oh the irony of life) I feel bad for her and only hope she has moved on. From what I heard from H, first she dated his friend and now she has moved on to another MM who she says is planning to leave his wife for her in early 2016. I said to H, you realize she is trying to make you jealous, right? He really had no idea and not really interested, though he found it an ego boast that he had this impact on someone. Witnessing this in real time helps me on my end because I do not want xMM feeling sorry for me or thinking I am sooooooo hung up on him. As bad as it is to catch your H with another woman, it is a huge eye-opener to see how some men really think and act. I say some as there are men here and I don't want to lump them in with my H and exMM. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 Stories like this help keep me out of trouble. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 Stories like this help keep me out of trouble. Totally! Personally I could not imagine bothering xMM's wife in a million years. But I definitely get weak and want to lash out at MM. Link to post Share on other sites
RySant Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 Totally! Personally I could not imagine bothering xMM's wife in a million years. But I definitely get weak and want to lash out at MM. I can't believe that your dynamics with your husband actually works. Good thing you aren't feeling a bit jealous by his desires for his OW, regardless if you do have your own MM. I mean, you two are married and you talk about your dalliance with others to each other. That's bizzarre and awesome at the same time 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 I can't believe that your dynamics with your husband actually works. Good thing you aren't feeling a bit jealous by his desires for his OW, regardless if you do have your own MM. I mean, you two are married and you talk about your dalliance with others to each other. That's bizzarre and awesome at the same time Well, we have little kids who deserve us to be adults and provide a home for them. So I am trying. I guess I would say that I do not believe it is realistic to expect someone to go their whole marriage without feeling emotions for another person. It's a choice to be in a marriage and you can't be jumping from person to person at a certain age, esp with kids involved. Now if I was hating him or he was a bad guy, that's different. But he's human, same as me. I guess I would say I'm more sad than jealous. Sad for him and sad for me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Liam1 Posted February 1, 2016 Author Share Posted February 1, 2016 Stories like this help keep me out of trouble. Dichotomy: I am glad to hear that. I hope people reading this and other posts on this forum will see that an affair just hurts everyone involved. This affair was my first affair and it has been a total nightmare. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Liam1 Posted February 1, 2016 Author Share Posted February 1, 2016 but I am guessing that instead of getting better, something has suddenly got worse for her and it has stirred up all the emotions from the affair. I can only guess she's very unhappy You are not the salve to heal her wounds. Waterwoman: You may be right. I have heard through the rumor mill that she had another affair, after we ended ours and that affair ended. That OM however, apparently was very cruel to her when he ended it. It is just a rumor, and not fact, but if that is true, IMO, that may be the catalyst. The Ex OW has not responded to my attorneys request to dialogue with her, yet. The good news is that there were no calls this weekend. So at least things did not get worse. At least so far. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gigi2015 Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 (edited) Waterwoman: You may be right. I have heard through the rumor mill that she had another affair, after we ended ours and that affair ended. That OM however, apparently was very cruel to her when he ended it. It is just a rumor, and not fact, but if that is true, IMO, that may be the catalyst. The Ex OW has not responded to my attorneys request to dialogue with her, yet. The good news is that there were no calls this weekend. So at least things did not get worse. At least so far. No calls sounds like a victory! It'll be good when you no longer have to entertain the calls []. I hope you choose to protect your bond in the future. Best wishes... Edited February 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 Was the BH told? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 I've been where your wife is, so I hope you don't mind me making a few observations: - every time my H's ex-ow contacted me, it was like someone hitting a reset button. The pain would come back, and she knew that. She was also a serial ow ( unamrried) much the way it sounds like your ex-ow is. Living in a very small town where everyone knew everyone else, I knew her, and I knew she didn't like other women very much. Part of why she got involved with mm and harassing their wives when the A's ended is because she actually enjoyed hurting them. It met some psychological need in her. Since she wasn't in a relationship, she couldn't use the "my H is abusive" line, so instead, she used the " I'm going to hurt myself, and it's your fault" line, which is just what is was, a line. Of course I fell for it, tried to get her to get help, but after a while I realized she was just trying to make me feel guilty. I finally wised up and stopped, but to before she began harassing my children and myself in person. It may sound horrible, but I finally told her that I was done, she needed to stop contacting me, and if she hurt herself, that was her choice, not mine. My husband and I also took legal action in the form of a letter, much as you have done, but in all honesty, I really feel that me telling her that I would no longer engage with her and then sticking to that is what worked. She simply wanted to have power over another woman, and I took that away form her, at least in my case. I disengaged, and it worked, backed up with the knowledge that she would face legal action if she didn't stop. She didn't hurt herself, and went on to harassing another bs of one of the mm she had been involved with in the exact same way as she had been doing with me. I spoke to this other bs, and she did what I had done. The ex-ow was soon out of the picture, and I can only assume she moved on to someone else. As for the idea that, in your case, you are afraid her bs is abusive and could hurt her. While I'm not saying that never happens, there are many cases of ex-ow hurting the bs, and the longer her behavior goes on, the deeper it can get entrenched. There is also a very good chance that she is using that line to get pity from you and your wife and to play mind games with you. The fact that your ex-ow isn't contacting you but your wife says something. Combine that with the fact that your ex-ow is a serial cheater, and her A with you is not just some sort of one off and it really says something. It sounds like she is someone with a disordered personality, and in her mind, everything will always be someone else's fault. She will always be a victim, and she will lash out at whomever she can when she can't get her own way. You can't use logic and common sense when you try to asses what she does, as there is no logic or common sense in what she is doing. This does not mean she can't help what she is doing. She most certainly can. She knows it is wrong, but it feeds some need in her, and she enjoys that. Sending her the no contact request form your lawyer was a good first step. If she call back or tries to engage your wife or yourself, don't let her. Simply hang up the phone or preferable let it go to voice mail, don't read any of her emails ( but don't delete them...keep them as evidence, so you have it should you ever need it) and ether cal the police or her H or do whatever you feel the next step should be. Sit down with your wife and make a plan about what your next steps will be should your ex-ow contact either of you again, and have it ready should you need it. If your next step will be informing her husband, have a package ready with evidence of her affair prepared, addressed, stamped and ready to go ( or ready to email directly to him). Send it registered mail, and require that only HE be able to sign for it. If you feel your next step after another attempt at contact is to go to the police, have their number written down by the phone and use it as soon as your or your wife gets another contact attempt. Don't wait, don't discuss it, don't waver. Just do it. If you don't, you are simply feeding the beast of your ex-ow's issues, and it will just keep growing. If you feel that she is threatening either you or your wife, go to the police immediately. I can't stress this enough. Some disordered ow will physically lash out when they feel they can no longer hurt the bs in other ways. Hopefully that won't happen in your case, but just make sure you are ready to act if it does. This doesn't sound like someone who is acting out of a sense of hurt, love or any other emotion other than a self centered need to hurt others and be he center of attention. If it was right after the affair ended, it might be different, but suddenly after three years, and she is a serial cheater and ow? That's something much different than simply someone who has a broken heart. best of luck to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Liam1 Posted February 2, 2016 Author Share Posted February 2, 2016 Was the BH told? I do not know. The letter stated that the attorney would not contact her husband to enlighten him, unless she continued to harass my wife. IMO, it is up to the OW to tell her husband. Link to post Share on other sites
redtail Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 I never had to lie. Liam, good for you, you and your wife are on a path to recovery and it appears by all signs you caught yourself, corrected it and are making amends. While the OW is an irritant at the moment, your actions will eventually send her on her way. In my opinion, she is not your concern any more. However, just remember, because you may not have spoken a lie, an affair is by definition disingenuous and therefor a lie. Just saying you need to own it. Best of luck to you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 Dichotomy: I am glad to hear that. I hope people reading this and other posts on this forum will see that an affair just hurts everyone involved. This affair was my first affair and it has been a total nightmare. Ya - not to sound like a bad person, but I can see the initial pitch seeming ideal - two married folks who don't want any thing other than some missing passion on the side. Both with lots to loose, so you think there is understanding and minimal risk..... Then one turns into a "bunny boiler" Sorry for you and your wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Liam1 Posted February 2, 2016 Author Share Posted February 2, 2016 Ya - not to sound like a bad person, but I can see the initial pitch seeming ideal - two married folks who don't want any thing other than some missing passion on the side. Both with lots to loose, so you think there is understanding and minimal risk..... Then one turns into a "bunny boiler" Sorry for you and your wife. Thank you, Dichotomy. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 (edited) Wmacbride Great post. It shows how nasty she is ...that she's contacting Liams wife. I never homed in on that in terms of her motivation. If she wanted an affair..she'd contact Liam... she says her H is abusive ....what exactly does she think she's being to your wife..The same abusiveness. Abuse isn't only hitting someone. When you're feeling sorry for her...think what she's putting your wife through. Never letting her forget the A..even if she wanted to. It's rubbing salt in the wound. She should be apologetic for her part in the betrayal..but oh no. She's continuing to cause your wife pain. Very sad and pathetic desperate behaviour.....I pity her children. She's either mentally unstable or plain nasty. [] Liam.. I hope the contact from her is over. Edited February 3, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2 Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 Wmacbride .Liam.. I hope the contact from her is over. I do too. Hopefully, she will have gotten the message. She may sulk, but she'll probably move on and find another bs to unload her issues on. If she doesn't, and if continues to contact your wife, then you need to be strong and take whichever steps you indicated you would take if she didn't stop. If that sounds harsh, just keep in mind that you gave her a choice, and she decided which path to take. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Parannonx Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 (edited) parannonx: I am not SHOCKED. I am annoyed. That is all. I am a bit shocked that you are amused by this all. It's sad, it's poetic justice, it's just desserts, but it is anything but amusing that a women may be beaten for any reason. As prior mentioned, an attorney has sent a letter and if the AP does not stop contacting my wife, the husband will be informed. That was in the letter. As far as the husband deserving to know. I agree. I think she should confess. It's up to her to tell her husband, not me. I will only tell if she does not heed the attorney's warning. I don't love her, and I don't care about her as an AP. I do however care about her as a human being who is likely distraught and may get herself beaten up by an angry spouse. Thus, telling her husband will be done, only if absolutely needed. Believe it or not, my wife does not want me to call him, either, because she feels it is up to the wife to break the news to him. My wife says she does not want to inflict pain on the innocent spouse. I said call her Bluff, tell her that if she doesn't cease trying to involve herself in your life that you will tell her husband. Then it's entirely on her. If she is truly being abused and in danger then she should stop messing with you. If she doesn't then the consequences are her responsibility. As to who should be breaking the news to her husband, it really shouldn't matter he deserves to know, but given your fear that he is abusive then giving her the choice to buy your silence is a reasonable compromise. That said if she chooses to continue to harass your wife then she made her bed and should lie in it. As far as my amusement at your surprise that she wasn't truthful about what she wanted out of the affair, it's more of a dark amusement at the lies people tell themselves. [] Yours may be an extreme case but this sort of crazy and worse is inherent in such dysfunctional situations. Edited February 3, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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