OW, should I trust him?!

[OWconflictions]

So I will start out by giving background information. I am 20, and he is 40. He has been dating this woman for 10 years and they have lived together for 7-8 years. He's never denied that he cares about her, but the love died long ago. We were friends for a year, and in that year I fell in love with his soul. He told me things he's never told anyone and vice versa. He recently told me he felt like a walking bank to her. He does everything himself, he told me it sucks when you realize that out of 100% of the relationship he's giving 99% and she's giving 1%. About 5 weeks ago we started seeing each other. We have only ever kissed, we're waiting until we are officially together before we have any other kind of sexual contact (his idea). I have never met a man that has helped me grow so much in such a short time. He makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. Before we ever started a sexual relationship or talked as more than just friends, he told me he was going to leave his girlfriend soon. He's been working 18 hour days and been very stressed out, in a month he'll be able to start working normal hours. He said he's waiting until then to leave her. He always told me he's never been a cheater and never wanted to but that there was something about me that he knew God made me for him. He's conflicted about our relationship now because he doesn't want me to think that since he's cheating on his girlfriend with me that he would ever be unfaithful when we are together. I struggle with these thoughts too, but we both can't deny the deep physical and emotional attraction. We are utterly and uncontrollably in love. I guess I just wanted a second opinion? Is my hope foolish? I believe he will leave her, but I struggle with the moral side of this.

[whichwayisup]

Run. This man is committed to someone else and that's not ending any time soon.

 

You deserve a guy who will treat you well, with love and respect, and someone who is single and available. DO NOT trust a word he tells you, even if he has feelings for you and you have feelings for him. He is in a relationship, aka common law marriage with someone else, therefore he isn't free to date you on the side. Aim higher. Love and respect yourself most of all by walking away.

[eye of the storm]

He may leave her. He may not leave her.

 

I would wait until he actually did leave her before getting any deeper.

 

And yes, that includes all these "deep" conversations and kissing.

 

Honestly, your odds are 50/50. You sound young. Please protect yourself.

 

There is plenty of time for this fairy tale to fully develop into a real relationship AFTER he leaves his SO.

[BuddyX]

He can't cherry pick Gods word when he's shacking up with a GF for so long.

Run, Run, Run.

You are his fall back plan. His plan B.

 

But if you think you are an outlier, and special, then call him out on it. Tell him "Next week, you're with me or your out". If he says yes, then give him a chance. If No, then move on.

[AlwaysGrowing]

How does someone who works 18 hours a day have time to devote to one relationship let alone two?

[VeveCakes]

Tell him to call you when he's single and over his ex.

[Parannonx]

He's lying to the person who he lives with and who at one point or another purported to love, why on earth would you assume that he's being honest with you? Magic Vijay Jay? Please he's telling you what you want to hear to get into your pants.

 

This isn't a case where you are trying to determine if someone is honest or not, he's cheating, by definition he's a liar.

[EverySunset]

I respect anyone with a good head on their shoulders, male, female, other...

 

But I have to question a 39 y/o mans decision-making process when he struck up a deep friendship with a girl of 19, while living with/committed to another woman almost a decade.

 

But to answer your question, no, I wouldn't trust him no matter how old you both are, just based on his behavior, other details notwithstanding.

[HappyAgain2014]

Everything he has said is straight out of the MM handbook. He may actually believe it but none of it means anything will change.

 

It's fairly simple, if he knows he wants out of his relationship, he'd get out. No big planning would be necessary.

 

It's just talk. A month is a short timeline so I guess you'll see.

 

My best advice... if a month comes and goes, end it. If you don't, you'll just get more excuses.

[MJJean]

Sooo, somehow working a lot of hours means he can't end a relationship? That is one of the lamest excuses I have ever heard. If he actually wanted to end the relationship, he'd make the time.

[OWconflictions]

I respect anyone with a good head on their shoulders, male, female, other...

 

But I have to question a 39 y/o mans decision-making process when he struck up a deep friendship with a girl of 19, while living with/committed to another woman almost a decade.

 

But to answer your question, no, I wouldn't trust him no matter how old you both are, just based on his behavior, other details notwithstanding.

 

Thank you, but where did you get those ages from?

[OWconflictions]

He's lying to the person who he lives with and who at one point or another purported to love, why on earth would you assume that he's being honest with you? Magic Vijay Jay? Please he's telling you what you want to hear to get into your pants.

 

This isn't a case where you are trying to determine if someone is honest or not, he's cheating, by definition he's a liar.

 

As I stated we are not having sex because HE wants to wait. So no magic "vijay jay" and no reason to lie to get into my pants.

[GoldenAxe]

Idk, don't invest too much emotionally. See other people, if he comes around as single, only then explore the relationship. Nothing hurts like playing second fiddle.

[Padme]

You've never felt this way with a man before because you're only 20 years old. He was a grown man while you were still a fetus. Go play the field a little. Tell him to call you in a few years once you'be dated a few other adult men and once his divorce is finalized and he's settled into a single life.. If the feelings are still there then you'll know it's real.

Edited January 28, 2016 by Padme

[Midwestmissy]

Holy cow. He works 18 hrs a day, gives his significant other 99% of the relationship AND is having an affair with you? You need to check your math. This guy thinks waaaaay to much of himself and you believe him. What hes actually only doing is taking. I have a feeling that you believing all this is what is making him stay with you. With you he feels like superman just by saying it, not having to do any actual work for it.

 

You're going to feel very foolish very soon, he's serious trouble. I'm really sorry, you should be out having fun with peers.

Edited January 28, 2016 by Midwestmissy
Typos

[eye of the storm]

Thank you, but where did you get those ages from?

 

You stated that he is 40 and you are 20. You also stated this started over a year ago. Which equals 39 and 19.

[Susmay]

You stated that he is 40 and you are 20. You also stated this started over a year ago. Which equals 39 and 19.

 

Oh dear!

[Susmay]

...out of 100% of the relationship he's giving 99% and she's giving 1%....

 

Has he really got you believing this? He's lying to her - pretending to be faithful and that he's not having an intimate relationship with someone else. Do you really believe he's giving his all to his relationship with her?

 

If you can't even see that if you and he are 20 and 40 now, then a year ago when this all began, you were 19 and 39, then I suppose he can convince you of anything.

[Lady2163]

So I will start out by giving background information. I am 20, and he is 40. He has been dating this woman for 10 years and they have lived together for 7-8 years. He's never denied that he cares about her, but the love died long ago. We were friends for a year, and in that year I fell in love with his soul. He told me things he's never told anyone and vice versa. He recently told me he felt like a walking bank to her. He does everything himself, he told me it sucks when you realize that out of 100% of the relationship he's giving 99% and she's giving 1%. About 5 weeks ago we started seeing each other. We have only ever kissed, we're waiting until we are officially together before we have any other kind of sexual contact (his idea). I have never met a man that has helped me grow so much in such a short time. He makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. Before we ever started a sexual relationship or talked as more than just friends, he told me he was going to leave his girlfriend soon. He's been working 18 hour days and been very stressed out, in a month he'll be able to start working normal hours. He said he's waiting until then to leave her. He always told me he's never been a cheater and never wanted to but that there was something about me that he knew God made me for him. He's conflicted about our relationship now because he doesn't want me to think that since he's cheating on his girlfriend with me that he would ever be unfaithful when we are together. I struggle with these thoughts too, but we both can't deny the deep physical and emotional attraction. We are utterly and uncontrollably in love. I guess I just wanted a second opinion? Is my hope foolish? I believe he will leave her, but I struggle with the moral side of this.

 

I know at age 20 you think you know everything there is to know. I'm sure you're more experienced sexually at 20 than I was. And that's okay.

 

But your brain isn't fully formed. You couldn't grasp that when someone referenced your age a year ago you were 19. You just don't have the debate and communication skills a (now) 40 year old has.

 

Your body is going to change. I'm assuming his girlfriend is in her 30s. I don't know what you do for work or school, but chances are you have the opportunity to work out and/or you have a fast metabolism. End up with a stressful full time job and a child or two and all of a sudden there's no time or energy to work out and fast food is more convenient than fixing something healthy.

 

Even if I lost 100 pounds, I doubt I could compete with a woman 10 years younger than I am, let alone 25+ years younger - appearance wise. But I bring a lot more to the table than you do. Yes, I have baggage and extra pounds, but I'm probably a better cook than you are. I'm probably a better money and time manager than you are. I certainly hope I make more money than you do.

 

Now I'm not trying to say how great I am and how awful you are. Again, you have a body where things don't sag and a lot less emotional baggage (assuming you didn't endure years of abuse).

 

A 40 year old man is going to seem sophisticated to you. He's going to seem worldly. He's going to have more disposable income than a 20 year old man, so of course he will pick up the tab and maybe even shower you with seemingly expensive gifts and tokens. He probably isn't hung up on video games.

 

It's his way of wooing you and reeling you in. I guarantee he knows exactly what to say and of course you may feel like he is your soul mate.

 

What would your parents say? Would your friends welcome him?

[ChickiePops]

Hi OP!

 

Besides what he has TOLD you (bearing in mind that he is a known liar), what has he done to SHOW you how awful his life is at home and the steps he is taking to leave?

 

Remember this if you take nothing else away from this experience - actions truly do speak louder than words.

 

He has done nothing to earn your trust. Words are pretty but they mean nothing unless they're backed up by actions. Men like the chase. He's enjoying this process of making you fall for him, seducing you, taking your pity..etc. he's going to chew you up and spit you right back out, and all you'll be left with are a few battle scars.

 

Run. Fast.

[whichwayisup]

I am 20, and he is 40. He has been dating this woman for 10 years and they have lived together for 7-8 years. He's never denied that he cares about her, but the love died long ago.

 

So why didn't he break up with her when the love died? They aren't married, he can end it at any time, can't he? he hasn't and that says a lot.

 

He told me things he's never told anyone and vice versa.

 

I know you want to believe this, but I can pretty much guarantee this isn't true. He's double your age, he's been around the block and he knows how to play and manipulate..Not maliciously but selfishly.

 

He recently told me he felt like a walking bank to her. He does everything himself, he told me it sucks when you realize that out of 100% of the relationship he's giving 99% and she's giving 1%.

 

Do you truly believe this? And again, if he was so unhappy why hasn't he walked away from her already? Something tells me he's greatly exaggerating his home life with his gf and making himself seem like the victim which in turn makes you feel for what he's going through.

 

About 5 weeks ago we started seeing each other. We have only ever kissed, we're waiting until we are officially together before we have any other kind of sexual contact (his idea)

 

Well this is good. And please, don't give in, even if you want to or if he wants to. Keep the boundary, IF they Do break up and you actually have proof of their break up, then take your time and date him in a proper way after he's had some time to be on his own. Not healthy to end a R and then start a new one the next day, even more so since they've been together for 10 years and living together, that means they've shared a life together and friends, probably family entwined too. One can't just up and walk away from it all overnight and start over so quickly.

 

My suggestion is, back off and focus on yourself and your friends. Make him less of a priority. Keep in touch on a casual basis and allow him the time and space to 'end' his R with his gf... by Spring if he hasn't broken up with her you'll know if what he told you is just words and broken promises or if he actually follows through. Not saying go date others, just be mindful and pay attention to any red flags. (like do they go out together as a couple with their friends, do they "live" life together and celebrate bday's and holidays together).

[13Hearts]

Hi OP.

When I was 17, my BF was 24. When I was 22, my BF was 42. I've been involved with two MM, once in my 20s (and I had NO desire or inkling to actually be in a LTR with him, I was just having fun), and once in my 40s (and I did want a LTR and believed him when he told me he was in the process of separating from his wife, THREE YEARS ago). Here is what I know for myself:

 

1. A 40 year old man has NO BUSINESS with a 20-something year old girl. 40 year olds who involve themselves with 20-somethings do so because 20-somethings are impressionable and very easily manipulated.

2. People who cheat on their spouses behind their backs are deceitful and manipulative. And you do not need to have had sexual intercourse to cheat on your spouse.

3. Married men who cheat behind their partners' backs and cultivate a relationship with someone else are VERY patient. I believe, based on my past experiences with married men that this guy is saying he wants to wait to have intercourse with you so that you fall for him further and DO have sex with him. You are walking a tightrope here and he knows exactly what he is doing. This is not his first rodeo, I assure you.

4. It is very difficult to understand a person's motivations and M.O. when you are not that person. I have learned there are many people out there who have no conscience. And it's difficult to know you are dealing with a person without a conscience before it's too late. However, a very good indication that a person has no or little conscience is when they do something that is wrong, like cheat on their spouse or S.O.

 

My suggestions to you are to (1) make sure you are not neglecting your self, your family, or your friends, due to the amount of time or attention you are spending with your MM. If you are, start refocusing your time and attention to those things. (2) Cool it with this guy a bit, especially if you are already making future plans with him. Live in the PRESENT moment, not tomorrow or next year. and (3) Have enough self-discipline to be sure you are never alone with him in a place where you can have sex with him. If that means bringing a friend to your meetings with him, so be it. Because once you have sex with him I'm willing to bet my entire house that you're really going to fall for him and things wil get ugly after that.

 

Please know that if nothing else, involving yourself with an unavailable man, whether he is "technically" married or not, means you are venturing down a long and twisted path full of drama, lies, and hurt. You are still in a good position to turn around and walk the other way. The further you venture down this path, the harder it will be to make your way out again. I can think of a hundred other things 20-year-old-me would have rather been doing than getting wrapped up with an old married dude with all that baggage. Go have fun with your friends and forget him!

 

Oh, and one more thing. You came here and posted for a reason. I bet that reason is because your instincts, that inner voice you have, were telling you something is screwy here. TRUST that voice. It speaks what you already know, I promise you. ❤❤ Take care!

Edited January 28, 2016 by 13Hearts

[waterwoman]

You don't need to trust him. Until he leaves his current relationship for good don't have anything to do with him. Simple.

[cocorico]

So I will start out by giving background information. I am 20, and he is 40. He has been dating this woman for 10 years and they have lived together for 7-8 years. He's never denied that he cares about her, but the love died long ago. We were friends for a year, and in that year I fell in love with his soul. He told me things he's never told anyone and vice versa. He recently told me he felt like a walking bank to her. He does everything himself, he told me it sucks when you realize that out of 100% of the relationship he's giving 99% and she's giving 1%. About 5 weeks ago we started seeing each other. We have only ever kissed, we're waiting until we are officially together before we have any other kind of sexual contact (his idea). I have never met a man that has helped me grow so much in such a short time. He makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. Before we ever started a sexual relationship or talked as more than just friends, he told me he was going to leave his girlfriend soon. He's been working 18 hour days and been very stressed out, in a month he'll be able to start working normal hours. He said he's waiting until then to leave her. He always told me he's never been a cheater and never wanted to but that there was something about me that he knew God made me for him. He's conflicted about our relationship now because he doesn't want me to think that since he's cheating on his girlfriend with me that he would ever be unfaithful when we are together. I struggle with these thoughts too, but we both can't deny the deep physical and emotional attraction. We are utterly and uncontrollably in love. I guess I just wanted a second opinion? Is my hope foolish? I believe he will leave her, but I struggle with the moral side of this.

 

OK, leaving aside all the other stuff (age difference, current R, etc), can you spot something in what I've bolded? He resents current GF because he feels the R is all one way (whether or not that's true in reality is irrelevant - it's the basis on which he's decided the R is over).

 

OTOH, with you - he's "helped you grow so much"... ie, the flow is all one way, too. Or has he been telling you he's never met someone who's helped him grow so much... too? So, chances are, it won't be long before he's starting to resent you, too - because you're expressing benefit disproportionately to any benefit he's expressing/ claims to be feeling, so you'll soon be the subject of his moans to someone else.

[Arieswoman]

Q; OW, should I trust him?

A. No.

 

 

Next.