My mom MIGHT have broken her hip, but won't go to doctor.

[Mapper71]

I'd book a ticket and go. She's 83. That way you can be boots on the ground, quietly bring trusted neighbors up to speed and have a visit and assess. I usually keep a couple round tickets worth of airline miles available for such purposes. Still, though, it's a day away and then it'll be done.

 

But she's had every opportunity to let SOMEONE other than me know what's going on! Her neighbor just stopped by, her sister has called her at least 5 times since this happened. She said she needs to have some library books taken back and said she may ask one neighbor to do that. Well I'm sure the neighbor is going to ask what's going on if she isn't taking her own books back.

[carhill]

Old people are stubborn and she's your mom. Heh, been through all this and cremated her at 89. Mine was stubborn like an ox and could swing like Joe Frazier

[amaysngrace]

She can't rely on her sister or her neighbor to take care of her the way her children should. And she probably wouldn't ask that of them anyway.

 

I'm sure you have family leave or sick days at your work, don't you?

 

You can't really blame your mom for contradicting herself. She's old. She also may have suffered a brain injury with the fall.

 

You should go and see how she is. Work can wait but how would you feel if she suddenly died and you never went out? Could you honestly live with yourself?

[whichwayisup]

She can't rely on her sister or her neighbor to take care of her the way her children should. And she probably wouldn't ask that of them anyway.

 

I'm sure you have family leave or sick days at your work, don't you?

 

You can't really blame your mom for contradicting herself. She's old. She also may have suffered a brain injury with the fall.

 

You should go and see how she is. Work can wait but how would you feel if she suddenly died and you never went out? Could you honestly live with yourself?

 

I agree. Just go. Your mom wants you there, and she needs your help, your support and most of all because she's afraid. You as her daughter are obligated to look after her, and any other siblings too.

 

If something happens to her you'll regret not going. Life is short and you only have so much time left with her. Time to let go of grudges, past hurts, irritations. Your mom is who she is, accept that and just love her and have compassion for her.

[dreamingoftigers]

I agree. Just go. Your mom wants you there, and she needs your help, your support and most of all because she's afraid. You as her daughter are obligated to look after her, and any other siblings too.

 

If something happens to her you'll regret not going. Life is short and you only have so much time left with her. Time to let go of grudges, past hurts, irritations. Your mom is who she is, accept that and just love her and have compassion for her.

 

Oh for the Love of,

 

Either send a police wellness check over (they can figure this stuff out!)

 

Or go yourself.

 

These things happen way more often than you think and clearly she's injured in some way.

 

I can't believe this thread is still unresolved.

[Mapper71]

Oh for the Love of,

 

Either send a police wellness check over (they can figure this stuff out!)

 

Or go yourself.

 

These things happen way more often than you think and clearly she's injured in some way.

 

I can't believe this thread is still unresolved.

 

Well it's going to remain unresolved until one of her neighbors finds out about her condition and offers to take her to the urgent care or she tells me to come home. As everyone here knows, I am a doormat and don't want to rock the boat with anyone so if she is so adamant she doesn't want anyone to know she's hurt and it would hurt her pride then I'm not going to tell anyone. There's my sister too and she won't even call my mom and ask her how she's doing because she doesn't want to make her get up and hurt herself getting to the phone. That's right, my mom doesn't have a cell or a cordless phone. Yup, we're a whole family of chicken ****s who are afraid of everything!

[whichwayisup]

Well it's going to remain unresolved until one of her neighbors finds out about her condition and offers to take her to the urgent care or she tells me to come home. As everyone here knows, I am a doormat and don't want to rock the boat with anyone so if she is so adamant she doesn't want anyone to know she's hurt and it would hurt her pride then I'm not going to tell anyone. There's my sister too and she won't even call my mom and ask her how she's doing because she doesn't want to make her get up and hurt herself getting to the phone. That's right, my mom doesn't have a cell or a cordless phone. Yup, we're a whole family of chicken ****s who are afraid of everything!

 

Then CHANGE your ways. And, your mom DID ask you in the best way she knew how, for help and you've turned your back on her and given yourself an out because you don't want to upset her or rock the boat. SO WHAT, rock that boat! This woman is your mom, she's elderly and needs help but is too proud to really ask - You know this, so call a neighbour and ask someone to go inside her house and talk her. Let them know the situation and how you think your mom has broken a hip or a leg.

[Mapper71]

Then CHANGE your ways. And, your mom DID ask you in the best way she knew how, for help and you've turned your back on her and given yourself an out because you don't want to upset her or rock the boat. SO WHAT, rock that boat! This woman is your mom, she's elderly and needs help but is too proud to really ask - You know this, so call a neighbour and ask someone to go inside her house and talk her. Let them know the situation and how you think your mom has broken a hip or a leg.

 

I did NOT turn my back on her! I told her twice on the phone yesterday that I would come out if she wanted me to and at the mention of that she came up with reasons as to why I shouldn't come out! She offered to pay for the flight because I can't afford it right now so I'd need her credit card number and her okay to buy the ticket, but she doesn't want me coming out in the snow and the cold and disrupting my plans.

[dreamingoftigers]

I did NOT turn my back on her! I told her twice on the phone yesterday that I would come out if she wanted me to and at the mention of that she came up with reasons as to why I shouldn't come out! She offered to pay for the flight because I can't afford it right now so I'd need her credit card number and her okay to buy the ticket, but she doesn't want me coming out in the snow and the cold and disrupting my plans.

 

I'd rock that boat so much that everyone would need medical attention from being seasick.

 

By the way, wellness checks are FREE. And not uncommon.

[MidwestUSA]

 

By the way, wellness checks are FREE. And not uncommon.

 

A shame no one suggested one!

 

OP readily admits her posts here are more for ranting. I'm not seeing this one as any different, TBH. Arguing with anyone who has input.

 

One simple suggestion, many days gone by. I'm out.

[Mapper71]

A shame no one suggested one!

 

OP readily admits her posts here are more for ranting. I'm not seeing this one as any different, TBH. Arguing with anyone who has input.

 

One simple suggestion, many days gone by. I'm out.

 

Toodles...thanks for stopping

 

Yes several people have suggested wellness checks, but what good will that do? Yes she's still up and about as I call her everyday. The police are going to come to the door and say "We got a call from your daughter to check up on you. Are you okay?" to which she will say "Yes I'm fine". And the last thing she wants is a police car pulling in her driveway so all her neighbors wonder what's going on. She needs to get checked out, but the cops aren't going to take her if she doesn't want to go. Oh my god, and having an ambulance pull in the driveway would REALLY embarrass her!

[amaysngrace]

I'm sorry but coming from someone who lost her mom two weeks ago today I can say you aren't doing the right thing. At all.

 

She offered to pay your way. She wouldn't do that if she didn't want you there.

 

You're being selfish beyond belief and I hope you change your mind and go there to her.

 

She wants you there. Don't you care about her at all?

[whichwayisup]

I did NOT turn my back on her! I told her twice on the phone yesterday that I would come out if she wanted me to and at the mention of that she came up with reasons as to why I shouldn't come out! She offered to pay for the flight because I can't afford it right now so I'd need her credit card number and her okay to buy the ticket, but she doesn't want me coming out in the snow and the cold and disrupting my plans.

 

Go anyway Mapper. so what if she gets mad, or is embarrassed, etc..etc.. She's elderly and stubborn, strong and at the same time scared and weak. Doesn't want to BE a burden to you or anybody else but she can't do it on her own and wants help but really can't ask properly, so she hints, but doesn't want anybody to put themselves out. GO, please. It's just the kind and right thing to do.

[dreamingoftigers]

Toodles...thanks for stopping

 

Yes several people have suggested wellness checks, but what good will that do? Yes she's still up and about as I call her everyday. The police are going to come to the door and say "We got a call from your daughter to check up on you. Are you okay?" to which she will say "Yes I'm fine". And the last thing she wants is a police car pulling in her driveway so all her neighbors wonder what's going on. She needs to get checked out, but the cops aren't going to take her if she doesn't want to go. Oh my god, and having an ambulance pull in the driveway would REALLY embarrass her!

 

Some police are stupid as Hell. Most aren't.

 

The questions would probably go like this, " we received a call about you, someone was concerned that you'd had a hard fall and may need some medical attention. Often when someone (I.e. a SENIOR!) has had a hard fall, the injury isn't obvious right away. If you need any help getting to a hospital or would just like someone to check you over, we can help with that."

 

Or similar.

Her embarrassment comes secondary to a permanent injury that could severely impact her mobility.

 

At least that's what's been presented here.

[ChickiePops]

Toodles...thanks for stopping

 

Yes several people have suggested wellness checks, but what good will that do? Yes she's still up and about as I call her everyday. The police are going to come to the door and say "We got a call from your daughter to check up on you. Are you okay?" to which she will say "Yes I'm fine". And the last thing she wants is a police car pulling in her driveway so all her neighbors wonder what's going on. She needs to get checked out, but the cops aren't going to take her if she doesn't want to go. Oh my god, and having an ambulance pull in the driveway would REALLY embarrass her!

 

Her embarrassment about being fussed over will fade. Whatever injury she has sustained might not. My mom died when I was a teenager. I'd give anything to have what you have.

 

Grow a pair and do something.

[Toodaloo]

No WAY would she have flown 2000 miles to help me! The woman doesn't travel more than 5 miles from home as it is and NUMEROUS times my husband and I have asked her to come out and visit but she will not. Afraid of driving to the airport, afraid she won't get on the right plane, afraid she'll get lost. It is WAY too much for her to handle. Perhaps if someone finally convinced her she should come visit and actually made all the plans for her and drove her to the airport and came on the plane with her and held her hand upon disembarking and took her to our house, then she MIGHT consider coming. The woman wouldn't even come to my college graduation 2 hours away 20 years ago because she had become afraid of driving to anyplace she isn't familiar!

 

My Grandmother has to have help going shopping because she worries about going on her own.

 

We just go and pick her up and spend a few hours standing round while she makes up her mind...

 

Older people lose their confidence. Driving, shopping, etc are all Monmouth tasks.

 

You may have been upset that she didn't come however you didn't listen to what she was trying to tell you...

 

I flew over 10,000 miles on a ten hour flight to check on my best friend once...

 

Just saying. Compassion and going the extra mile count.

[Miss Clavel]

i believe she needs help. you would do the same for a stranger in the street.

 

p.s. while you're there, go thur her house and yard and remove anything that can trip her up. old people fall because they trip. check her bathtub shower and make sure she has those decals in the tub and a bathmat that sticks to the floor.

 

show her how to shut off the toilet and the main water supply. show her how to cut off the electric main and make sure she can work a fire extinguisher.

 

find workers and pay them to shovel her snow, bring her a meal, hell, don't that have uber there? set up a driver to take her to the store and the library. make sure the batteries in the smoke detectors are fresh and review how to get out of the house and where to go in the event of a fire.

 

get her a pre paid cell phone and put it in the pocket of her robe.

 

she sounds feisty and stubborn, just like her daughter.

 

HELP HER. even if you've got to bully her.

 

GO THERE.

 

DAMN

[bigbaby]

I'm gonna go against the majority here and say I think you're doing just fine to keep checking in with her by phone. As long as she sounds like herself on the phone, I'd continue to honor her wishes as you're doing.

 

 

Many people don't like going to the hospital unless it's absolutely necessary. Regardless of what we might do differently, she still has the right to run her own life just like anyone else.

 

 

What many older people want most is to keep their independence and autonomy. If you start disregarding that and sending cops to her door and otherwise making her choices for her against her wishes, she likely just won't tell you anything anymore, in the same way she doesn't tell her neighbors anything now. And then you won't be able to help her at all from 2,000 miles away.

 

 

Nobody lives forever and the best you can do, in my opinion, is help them have things the way they want them as much as possible. Now if you call one day and she's talking out of her head, then yes, call the ambulance.

[ChickiePops]

I'm gonna go against the majority here and say I think you're doing just fine to keep checking in with her by phone. As long as she sounds like herself on the phone, I'd continue to honor her wishes as you're doing.

 

 

Many people don't like going to the hospital unless it's absolutely necessary. Regardless of what we might do differently, she still has the right to run her own life just like anyone else.

 

 

What many older people want most is to keep their independence and autonomy. If you start disregarding that and sending cops to her door and otherwise making her choices for her against her wishes, she likely just won't tell you anything anymore, in the same way she doesn't tell her neighbors anything now. And then you won't be able to help her at all from 2,000 miles away.

 

 

Nobody lives forever and the best you can do, in my opinion, is help them have things the way they want them as much as possible. Now if you call one day and she's talking out of her head, then yes, call the ambulance.

 

OP's mother wouldn't have said anything if she didn't want help. She wouldn't have offered to pay for a plane ticket for her daughter to come to her. Her words may say she doesn't want a fuss, but her actions say that she does.

[xxoo]

Toodles...thanks for stopping

 

Yes several people have suggested wellness checks, but what good will that do? Yes she's still up and about as I call her everyday. The police are going to come to the door and say "We got a call from your daughter to check up on you. Are you okay?" to which she will say "Yes I'm fine". And the last thing she wants is a police car pulling in her driveway so all her neighbors wonder what's going on. She needs to get checked out, but the cops aren't going to take her if she doesn't want to go. Oh my god, and having an ambulance pull in the driveway would REALLY embarrass her!

 

The point of a wellness check is that you actually don't know if she is fine. That's why it's called a "check".

 

If she takes 20 min to answer the door because she's walking that slow, I doubt the officers will accept her "I'm fine" and move on.

[bigbaby]

OP's mother wouldn't have said anything if she didn't want help. She wouldn't have offered to pay for a plane ticket for her daughter to come to her. Her words may say she doesn't want a fuss, but her actions say that she does.

 

That's your opinion, not a fact. I recently went through this same thing with a parent and she meant exactly what she said. Sharing a concern or considering (but changing her mind) offering a plane ticket is far from evidence that she means other than what she opens her mouth and says. Mindreading is a tricky business and older people are no different from younger people in wanting the respect of being allowed to make their own decisions. If someone is of sound mind, you respect their wishes, period, in my opinion.

[bigbaby]

Also, the OP knows the situation and his mother far better than we do. If she was the type to drop hints rather than mean what she says, I think he'd already get that.

 

 

As I stated before, the problem with some of the ideas here in my opinion is the mother, and many if not most people, would consider it a serious boundary violation to go over her head and decide what's best for her. Then- and this is important- she likely just won't tell him anything anymore. Especially with this particular woman, look how she already keeps things from her neighbors because she doesn't want their interference. So this isn't just hypothetical, we can see it's how she actually does things. And then he won't be able to help her at all from that point.

[bigbaby]

The point of a wellness check is that you actually don't know if she is fine. That's why it's called a "check".

 

If she takes 20 min to answer the door because she's walking that slow, I doubt the officers will accept her "I'm fine" and move on.

 

But xxoo, having been through this same sort of situation and having relatives who would be actually going on calls like this, I'll tell you that yes, they will accept her "I'm fine" and move on.

 

 

People in the US have a lot of individual rights. If she can answer a few basic questions showing she's oriented in space and time and aware of her situation, then she is absolutely allowed to refuse treatment, regardless of her age.

[ChickiePops]

That's your opinion, not a fact. I recently went through this same thing with a parent and she meant exactly what she said. Sharing a concern or considering (but changing her mind) offering a plane ticket is far from evidence that she means other than what she opens her mouth and says. Mindreading is a tricky business and older people are no different from younger people in wanting the respect of being allowed to make their own decisions. If someone is of sound mind, you respect their wishes, period, in my opinion.

 

Right..and your opinion is that nothing is wrong bc OP spends a few minutes a day on the phone with her mom. So we are in agreement that nobody except the OPs mother really knows what's going on..which warrants at least a follow up by a professional.

 

If the mom was a functional alcoholic should she ignore that too? Just because someone seems to be of sound mind over the phone for a few minutes doesn't mean all is well.

 

For me this has nothing to do with age. If someone I loved called me and said they might be hurt, I would do something. You're turning this into a debate about ageism when really it is about the health of a living, breathing human being who deserves as much care and concern as anyone at any age. if this was a friend who was in their 20s I'd say the same thing.

[xxoo]

But xxoo, having been through this same sort of situation and having relatives who would be actually going on calls like this, I'll tell you that yes, they will accept her "I'm fine" and move on.

 

 

People in the US have a lot of individual rights. If she can answer a few basic questions showing she's oriented in space and time and aware of her situation, then she is absolutely allowed to refuse treatment, regardless of her age.

 

My point is that we don't actually know what they'll find. If they find her sitting in her own feces, they'll do something. If she's managing, they'll find that, too.