is he in love with his ex???

[lexylove]

It feels so good to finally get this out in the open, in a safe place where no one can judge me, but I am here because I have a dilemma. I have been with my husband for 14 years, married for 6 months. we have a 7 year old daughter together. Our relationship has always been very rocky and at times chaotic. I love him so much and always believed he was my soulmate until I read something that forever changed me-so to speak. in 2012, I left my husband(my bf at the time) bc I just couldn't take it anymore with all our problems and his selfishness. He shortly started dating the girl who lived in our apartment complex. Lets call her Lola. She was the exact opposite of me, and they were just such different breeds of human beings..she's a rocker and he's a cowboy, their morals are quite different, etc..and I was just shocked that they were together a few weeks after we broke up.I guess it was convenient with her next door. Long story short, I was recently on his computer and I started snooping in his email when it popped up logged in (how could I not-my curiosity peaked). In a small way, I kinda wish I hadn't seen what I read, but it kind of gave me some strange form of closure. The emails were between him and Lola from 2012-2013. I felt like I was reading the private letters of a love story based on a novel or a famous film. They emailed constantly and he would tell Lola she was the love of his life, he would do anything for her, God brought him his dream girl that he always hoped and prayed for, there were i love you's for days that just went on and on. He told her she was perfect and there was nothing he would change about her. Things such as "I cannot stand to be away from you another minute, I can smell your scent and it makes me miss you so much it hurts, I love you with every cell in my body, I will give u the world and cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with you", they spoke of marriage, mostly her initiating the idea of it and saying yes if he ever asked etc...it went on and on for 8 months..There must have been at least 50 emails that should be titled "the perfect boyfriend." He seemed like more of the needy pursuer and her not as much. The sad part is, I didn't even know this type of man existed in my husband. I remember one time we were exchanging our daughter and he told me he finally knew what it was like to be in love and didn't want to hurt me by being honest that he was so in love with Lola. That was quite possibly the worst day of my life, felt like a nightmare. Hurts just as much now as it did then. He could love someone for such a short period of time and didn't love me that way.

 

Unfortunately my husband is a cold distancer with me most the time, but with her he was madly in love. Long story short, he moved out of state and she broke things off, but they still had kept a friendship shortly after. She broke him and tore him apart.

 

Fast forward, less than two years later, he comes and proposes to me while I'm happily in another relationship accepting the fact that he was gone for good and it wasn't meant to be like I thought all those years. He said he had an epiphany and wants to spend his life with me. I didn't immediately say yes as he cried down on one knee, it took a couple days to really think about what I was doing. Well we are married now, we had a beautiful wedding he paid for an even moved where I wanted and bought he house I chose, however, he has yet to speak to me or treat me the way he did her. He was an angel, the perfect dream man to her, but to me-not even close. When I ask him why I'm treated different, he says bc I am unpleasant, I don't trust him, I nag him, and she was this peaceful, sweet loving woman who always had a smile on her face, so it made it easy to get along. Even back then he told me if I had been nicer to him, he would have been so in love with me. It's almost manipulative. He has to know I act this way bc he triggers me..He seems to be so lost and confused as to why I can't just be "nice." It's so tough bc he has hurt me and we have a history. She got a clean slate with him, I've watched him go through all his phases and dating different women since I was 18. She had no reason to nag him or have trust issues with him..Anyway, It seems all he does is tell me i'm basically not good enough, he doesn't support my dreams, but supported hers which ironically are the same. Did he just settle with me for the sake of our daughter? Im curious what you all think of this and how u would react? I know it was long ago, but it tears me to shreds. I can never forget the words he said to her, some of the same ones he says to me no longer have value.. I'm just at a loss for words.. Help please!

Edited January 28, 2016 by lexylove
needed to add more info

[The D Train]

First, not all situations are the same. I can speak from the man's pov. I had a girl I loved so much but I screwed it up. Few years later met my wife. I guess you can say I settled. I was going thru some down times and a lot of other things that made me want to settle down get married kids, etc. My wife is great and we have a good partnership raising kids. When we dated I confessed how much I loved my ex gf (I was drunk) and missed her. It has caused issues all these years. My wife thinks she was my second choice and I don't love her as much as my ex. If I had the balls back then when I was drunk and made my confession, I would have broken it off. Maybe she deserved someone better than me who didn't have these issues with an ex. On the other hand, we have a pretty good marriage raising great kids. Maybe we were meant to be together and all couples deal with issues at some level. Sorry to rant.

[lexylove]

so she was your second choice then. I feel as though, despite our long history of being on and off, I was his second choice as well, his default choice if you will. There is nothing worst than being married to someone bc you felt like that's where you wanted to be at that point in your life. I mean, why didn't he just propose to her once he moved back?

[Whoknew30]

There's a study & I can't find the link...most men get married when they're ready. Men & women fall in love in different ways. They may have the love of their life but it was the wrong time/situation...for whatever reason he came back to you. I don't know how your marriage is but if it's good now (I know what it's like to be with a man since young & see them go through their crap) why go there? You went snooping & read emails that weren't any of your business. He didn't cheat on you, you knew he was with this girl. This is why if things are good you don't go looking for problems. He seems to want to right by you & your family. Leave it alone if you're happy & things are good.

[Lois_Griffin]

Fast forward, less than two years later, he comes and proposes to me while I'm happily in another relationship accepting the fact that he was gone for good and it wasn't meant to be like I thought all those years. He said he had an epiphany and wants to spend his life with me.

I guess his perfect woman dumped him? I'll admit, it took her pretty long to figure out what a lying loser he is. I don't believe for one second they didn't start seeing each other until after you left. Not for one second.

 

Why on earth did you agree to be Plan B for this cheating snake? You actually agreed to marry him after he did what he did to you and his own daughter? Seriously???

 

Did he just settle with me for the sake of our daughter?

Of course he did. How could you possibly not know that? More importantly, how could you disrespect yourself to this level and actually marry him?

 

 

I'm sorry. I don't get it. At all.

Edited January 28, 2016 by Lois_Griffin

[Lois_Griffin]

There's a study & I can't find the link...most men get married when they're ready. Men & women fall in love in different ways. They may have the love of their life but it was the wrong time/situation...for whatever reason he came back to you. I don't know how your marriage is but if it's good now (I know what it's like to be with a man since young & see them go through their crap) why go there? You went snooping & read emails that weren't any of your business. He didn't cheat on you, you knew he was with this girl. This is why if things are good you don't go looking for problems. He seems to want to right by you & your family. Leave it alone if you're happy & things are good.

Oh lordy.

 

 

Please don't delude yourself with silly notions that he had an epiphany and realized his time with Lola wasn't the 'right' time, or that you should be grateful he came back to you. Jeez.

 

 

He came back because that relationship ended and he had no other options.

 

 

Never settle for being ANYONE'S option.

[Whoknew30]

Oh lordy.

 

 

Please don't delude yourself with silly notions that he had an epiphany and realized his time with Lola wasn't the 'right' time, or that you should be grateful he came back to you. Jeez.

 

 

He came back because that relationship ended and he had no other options.

 

 

Never settle for being ANYONE'S option.

 

 

She NEVER once said he cheated. She said she watched him date & so was she. You haven't even read her thread right. Who said be greatful? She said he's the love of her life, they have a child together & she was dating someone else at the time.

 

I think you need to reread the thread & not put add things that weren't in her original post.

[lexylove]

things are still rocky bc of trust issues I have from him-from the past.I know he is trying to do the right thing as a husband and father. Afterall, he did move where I wanted and gave me a big beautiful wedding. I guess what's killing me is that I could potentially be married to someone who made me his 2nd option or his default choice. We have been through a lot and have dated in between eachother, but those emails I read are haunting me bc the words he said to her are the words any woman would want to hear from a man. I have not heard those words-ever! He says "big deal, that was the honeymoon phase." But who the hell speaks to each other like that in the honeymoon phase. I'm starting to feel like I'm all wrong for him, since we argue daily and he never argued or fought with her. Sorry I'm ranting...I feel pathetic as is.

[lexylove]

I never wrote that, but he did have options..he could have went back to her when he moved back home. Afterall, she was the one who always initiated the idea of marriage. He could have married her I'm thinkin. He never cheated. He started dating her 3 weeks later and told me so I was aware of who my daughter would be around.

[Whoknew30]

I never wrote that, but he did have options..he could have went back to her when he moved back home. Afterall, she was the one who always initiated the idea of marriage. He could have married her I'm thinkin. He never cheated. He started dating her 3 weeks later and told me so I was aware of who my daughter would be around.

 

I've been with my H since I was a teenager. We've been through hell, it's not been perfect & at certain points, I'm sure we even felt hate for each other but we got through it & are very happy we did. He has history with you that he can't get from anywhere else, I'm sure it felt good to hear what she was saying to him & let's face it, most men LOVE to think they're the greatest & think they don't want a woman complaining at them but a woman that's bitching is usually a woman that cares. He got the taste of it but realized he loved you & his family. There's nothing wrong with that, it doesn't mean you were 2nd, you were 1st, seems like you both experienced other relationships & got back together. I think that's healthy in the end, you both went other ways & came back.

 

Marriage is never perfect & we all have a past, don't let it effect your future. You started over, keep your clean slate as a couple & go from there. Lol it will always be work

[Mr. Lucky]

He was an angel, the perfect dream man to her, but to me-not even close. When I ask him why I'm treated different, he says bc I am unpleasant, I don't trust him, I nag him, and she was this peaceful, sweet loving woman who always had a smile on her face, so it made it easy to get along. Even back then he told me if I had been nicer to him, he would have been so in love with me. It's almost manipulative. He has to know I act this way bc he triggers me..He seems to be so lost and confused as to why I can't just be "nice." It's so tough bc he has hurt me and we have a history.

 

Us men are fairly simple creatures and our needs are widely known. We're not a difficult puzzle to solve and it sounds like she figured him out pretty quickly. By contrast, you're triggered, angry and "not nice". You also come across as very interested in defending your position.

 

What good does holding on to history, hurt and resentment do you now ?

 

The only piece of relationship advice my Dad gave me was "you can be right or you can be happy, pick one". I'm sure you're right about much of the marital history you describe, you just don't seem very happy. Might be time to rethink your choices...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

If he loved her so much why did he move away? If she loved him why didn't she move with him?

I don't understand why they didn't stay together. It sounds like it wasn't that strong a love after all...but it also sounds like he settled with you.

 

So did you just dump the guy you were with back then?

 

I must be honest this would really get to me as well.....especially that he doesn't treat you well or as nicely as he did her.

 

He could have sought out a new relationship..but he was pulled back to you. Considering how fearful some guys are of marriage....that does go some way...

 

Have you both tried couples counselling? It could help your relationship and get to the bottom of both your feelings.

[lexylove]

If he loved her so much why did he move away? If she loved him why didn't she move with him?

I don't understand why they didn't stay together. It sounds like it wasn't that strong a love after all...but it also sounds like he settled with you.

 

So did you just dump the guy you were with back then?

 

I must be honest this would really get to me as well.....especially that he doesn't treat you well or as nicely as he did her.

 

He could have sought out a new relationship..but he was pulled back to you. Considering how fearful some guys are of marriage....that does go some way...

 

Have you both tried couples counselling? It could help your relationship and get to the bottom of both your feelings.

 

 

 

the only reason I can logically come up with as to why he doesn't treat me the way he did her is bc that was a new relationship with no anger, hostility or resentment..it was a clean slate and she was peaceful in comparison to what we had just previous to their relationship. She fluffed his ego and I've never been that girl bc I have held onto some past issues and haven't fully forgiven... your advice is spot on with counseling, I believe it's what we need to save this marriage. Thank you for your honest response! Xx

[lexylove]

Us men are fairly simple creatures and our needs are widely known. We're not a difficult puzzle to solve and it sounds like she figured him out pretty quickly. By contrast, you're triggered, angry and "not nice". You also come across as very interested in defending your position.

 

What good does holding on to history, hurt and resentment do you now ?

 

The only piece of relationship advice my Dad gave me was "you can be right or you can be happy, pick one". I'm sure you're right about much of the marital history you describe, you just don't seem very happy. Might be time to rethink your choices...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

I'm def not trying to defend my position here as it will not help me with my current situation. I'd like to believe that I am the root cause of this issue for two reasons.. 1. I can fix me and work on me, but I cannot do that for him or his wrongdoings 2. I want to believe my husband is in love with me and I am his soulmate (as cliche and lame as that sounds), but don't we all want that from our spouse?

[lexylove]

I've been with my H since I was a teenager. We've been through hell, it's not been perfect & at certain points, I'm sure we even felt hate for each other but we got through it & are very happy we did. He has history with you that he can't get from anywhere else, I'm sure it felt good to hear what she was saying to him & let's face it, most men LOVE to think they're the greatest & think they don't want a woman complaining at them but a woman that's bitching is usually a woman that cares. He got the taste of it but realized he loved you & his family. There's nothing wrong with that, it doesn't mean you were 2nd, you were 1st, seems like you both experienced other relationships & got back together. I think that's healthy in the end, you both went other ways & came back.

 

Marriage is never perfect & we all have a past, don't let it effect your future. You started over, keep your clean slate as a couple & go from there. Lol it will always be work

 

thank you for your positivity and honesty. It is greatly appreciated, and I truly needed to hear those words. xo

[lexylove]

Us men are fairly simple creatures and our needs are widely known. We're not a difficult puzzle to solve and it sounds like she figured him out pretty quickly. By contrast, you're triggered, angry and "not nice". You also come across as very interested in defending your position.

 

What good does holding on to history, hurt and resentment do you now ?

 

The only piece of relationship advice my Dad gave me was "you can be right or you can be happy, pick one". I'm sure you're right about much of the marital history you describe, you just don't seem very happy. Might be time to rethink your choices...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

it hasn't done me any good except cause major problems. Maybe it's my insecurities creeping in to play.

[sandylee1]

It would do you good to let go of the past and try and find inner peace. I had a lot of resentment at one time and although I felt it was justified...I realised it wasn't helping me in any way as far as the future and my marriage.

 

If you focus on yourself first...be a happy person and exude positive vibes. ..then people will want to be around you....you'll change how you are perceived with a more relaxed and happy with yourself approach. If you say those lovey dovey things to him..he will probably reciprocate.

 

You agreed to marry him....so you need to let the past go as far as resentment is concerned.

 

I've had ex BFs who were really nice and said lovely things to me..perhaps they haven't done the same with their current partners or wives....it is what it is.

 

He didn't have to come back to you.....he not only came back but showed how serious he was with the proposal as well.

[ShatteredLady]

One thing you aren't realizing about this 'perfect' relationship is people (particularly men) in my experience kind of mimic the way they're spoken/written to & romanced.

 

If you're dating someone, happy, getting laid & they write airy-fairy, arty-farty, overly poetic stuff it's 'natural' to write back that way. I've even noticed it with female (platonic) friends.

Some write 'you go girlfriend!' & 'I love you sister' & I find myself writing back in the same way. I don't love them more than my best friends who I write "How's it hanging?" too.

 

He didn't marry her despite the opportunity from what you say. I think he got caught-up in the romance she wrote. If he truly felt all of those things he'd be with her. If you love someone that much you don't move & leave them & you run back to them when you return.

 

He ran back to YOU!

 

I completely understand the green eyed monster. seems like you have other REAL issues to work on.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I think you need to find a way to separate the past from the present. There is no point in comparing your relationship to his prior ones and holding that against him. However, you note some potential issues in your current relationship, that you should not ignore, either. The fact that he says you are naggy and angry should be a red flag- either because he is intentionally saying it to hurt you, or its how he really feels. You also indicate he is not suportive of your dreams. At the same time, you say hes tying and wants to do right by you and your kid. I think you need to let go of the past and focus your energy on improving your present. If the nagginess is an issue for him, figure our why you are nagging and have a serious conversation about what both of you need to do to avoid triggering that. Think about what kind od support you need from him, and let him know, explicitly. Men arent mind readers and its possible he is not aware of what you want from him, short of treating you like he did his ex, which is not a reasonable request.

 

I want to add that while im sure its not easy dealing with all of that baggage, your story is actually really cute. You met young, grew apart, then realized you were still each other's "one". That is a lot of history to build on. Good luck to you!

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm def not trying to defend my position here as it will not help me with my current situation.

 

I didn't mean defending it here, I was referring to the defensive position you've assumed in your relationship.

 

Look, I get it, I spent 10 years in my first marriage carrying the same burden of resentment and anger you describe. I was convinced my wife's unfair treatment of me was responsible for all our problems - in other words, I was sure I was right.

 

When I started dating my (now) wife, she let me know up front she wasn't going to live that way. Right, wrong, didn't matter as it was going to be about honestly addressing problems as they occurred. We weren't going to hold grudges, go to bed angry or sleep on the couch (one of my tricks from my first marriage). And she consistently led the way, modeling the behavior she said we needed.

 

I still have some bad habits, including a tendency to withdraw when angry or hurt. But I've learned to own my behavior and address my part of an issue first. And while I'm not always right, on the whole I'm very happy .

 

I'd bet there's some similar opportunities in your relationship. Spend 30 days being the problem solver, not the trouble maker. You'll see a change in him too...

 

Mr. Lucky

[anika99]

I agree with lots of the replies already given. I've had the over the top romantic relationship and I can say that relationship was probably my most dysfunctional relationship in many ways. The guy I was with started the love bombing first. Prior to him I had never had a man treat me or speak to me with so much love and romance. He brought out my romantic side and soon we were both swept up in this over the top ridiculous perfect romantic fantasy love. To cut a long story short I came to find out that all that romance and passion had no substance. The love was built on a very weak foundation of fantasy and neediness. It wasn't a strong love that could weather the trial and tribulations of life, rather it was always precariously swaying and threatening to come tumbling down at the first sign of trouble. It wasn't a love that was deep and lasting because it was more about ego stroking and self-love than it was about truly loving another.

 

I think your husband got caught up in the passion and thrill of the romance, they mirrored to each other their perfect images of themselves and made each other feel really good for a time but obviously it lacked depth and substance or they would be married instead of you and him being married. I think you two rushed to the alter though. People break up for a reason and it doesn't sound like you two addressed or resolved those reasons before commiting to marriage. Now you have old resentments and hurts that are always stewing just below the surface and threatening the health of your marriage. For now try to put aside the emails you found and instead put your focus on the present. Consider marriage counselling to help resolve past hurts and if it's romance you want then perhaps you can take some initiative there too. See if you can bring out some of that romance in your husband.

[lexylove]

This was an absolutely brilliant, logical, yet read-worthy reply. The truth is, we did rush to the alter. We were engaged for a year, but we still had some of our old problems that have seeped into our marriage life as well. I want to see a therapist, but someone who is straight up and gets to the point of putting both of us in our place. Unfortunately it is super hard to find a therapist like this-or so it seems. I never looked at it the way you describe in terms of lacking depth and substance bc I'm just reading the words in front of me. She def made him feel great about himself-an opportunity I don't feel I was given bc of the rocky past we had, it made it hard for both us to fluff each other up. I just need to focus on the present, going to try really hard! Thank you so much for your input!! Xx

[lexylove]

I agree with lots of the replies already given. I've had the over the top romantic relationship and I can say that relationship was probably my most dysfunctional relationship in many ways. The guy I was with started the love bombing first. Prior to him I had never had a man treat me or speak to me with so much love and romance. He brought out my romantic side and soon we were both swept up in this over the top ridiculous perfect romantic fantasy love. To cut a long story short I came to find out that all that romance and passion had no substance. The love was built on a very weak foundation of fantasy and neediness. It wasn't a strong love that could weather the trial and tribulations of life, rather it was always precariously swaying and threatening to come tumbling down at the first sign of trouble. It wasn't a love that was deep and lasting because it was more about ego stroking and self-love than it was about truly loving another.

 

I think your husband got caught up in the passion and thrill of the romance, they mirrored to each other their perfect images of themselves and made each other feel really good for a time but obviously it lacked depth and substance or they would be married instead of you and him being married. I think you two rushed to the alter though. People break up for a reason and it doesn't sound like you two addressed or resolved those reasons before commiting to marriage. Now you have old resentments and hurts that are always stewing just below the surface and threatening the health of your marriage. For now try to put aside the emails you found and instead put your focus on the present. Consider marriage counselling to help resolve past hurts and if it's romance you want then perhaps you can take some initiative there too. See if you can bring out some of that romance in your husband.

 

 

This was an absolutely brilliant, logical, yet read-worthy reply. The truth is, we did rush to the alter. We were engaged for a year, but we still had some of our old problems that have seeped into our marriage life as well. I want to see a therapist, but someone who is straight up and gets to the point of putting both of us in our place. Unfortunately, it is super hard to find a therapist like this-or so it seems. I never looked at it the way you describe in terms of lacking depth and substance bc I'm just reading the words in front of me. She def made him feel great about himself-an opportunity I don't feel I was given bc of the rocky past we had, it made it hard for both us to fluff each other up. I just need to focus on the present, going to try really hard! Thank you so much for your input!! Xx

[lygimom]

Do you love your husband now? Do you want your marriage to work?

 

To me it seems you are reading from the past and allowing those words to affect you now. He was writing to her in a very different time and situation when you were not in his life.

 

For whatever reasons, they are no longer together. Although what you read sounds so "wonderful" obviously something didn't work out and they are no longer together.

 

You mentioned you were in a wonderful relationship when he came back because you thought he was out of your life. What changed to make you go back with him? His words of affection to you, your love for him, what?

 

Are you allowing what you read to affect your marriage? Your job is to love you husband, show him respect and honor today and every day. You are allowing the past to steal your joy of the present.

 

Choose to live in the present, refuse to look backwards, create new memories and forget the old. Love him like you want him to love you and only good things will follow.

 

Please know I am not a Pollyanna. I know marriage takes work, problems arise and conflicts occur, but if you refuse to let them take control and you work as a team to keep your marriage strong you will have a wonderful marriage.