My wife had an affair [updated]

[M1ke12]

22 years

 

Everything was fine, My daugher was moving out very soon which would be a huge relief to my wife and I.

 

My wife went out2-3times a week. We always had fun. Always something to talk about. Sex was great from my perspective.

 

Then after my wives christmas party she got cold, nervous, distant and I noticed she was guarrding her phone. I had a few other clues as well.

 

I confronted her. She said she got drunk and handed her number out to a bunch of guys and didn't want to me to find out but she was just deleting them. I pushed harder about the other stuff I discovered. A purchase for 49.00 at walgreens. She said it was the morning after (I have a vasectomy) She said it was one time. I asked for her phone and she gave it up. All deleted. So I asked her to text him and tell him you are married ad want to work things out with your husband. She did.

 

I left the house for the night to regroup. Came back the next day and asked her to move to her sisters. She did. My daughter (19) approached me and said, that I should know that my wife drove the kids to the store drunk and lost the keys to the car at the store. Huh?

 

I checked phone records and found she was texting another guy. I went and confronted her and she was drunk. She then admitted to a lot of stuff. Drunk driving, affairs with 3 different guys in 2 weeks time. And that she had been hiding alcoholism for 2 years. She could drink half a fifth a day for a few days then take a break. She drove my son to practice on two occasions with a drink in her hand.

 

She is on zoloft. I googled Zoloft and alchol and found some really nutty stuff about alcohol cravings, uncontrollable and resulting in people loosing all inhibitions. Good people with nothing more than a traffic ticket were getting arrested etc.

 

We got my wife in a treatment center right away. She is there now and getting help and doing good. I only get one call a week and everyone says give her space.

 

I get to see her next week end. Given all that I know I am not sure if I will stay or go. She had some sort of melt down for sure as obviously this is crazy risky stuff. I love her so much and I am in sooooo much pain.

 

One affair stretched over a full week and lots of texts were sent. It became emotional and she had attatchmet to it.

 

I get to see her Sunday. How do I proceed? I have some rights in this. Even though she is healing from alcoholism.

 

I am thinking of asking for her phone, facebook, email. I will explain that this is the first step to regaining trust. But she is still attached to that other guy and I am expecting a cold welcome.

 

Any other suggestions?

 

Oh BTW- She did agree to marital counseling. She said she wasnt' going to throw away a 22 year marriage. What a way to find out your wife is unhappy eh?

 

Oh and before you ask......I didn't know about my wifes problem. It wasnt uncommon for us to have a couple after work. I just didn't know she was going back for refills.

[M1ke12]

I am pretty sure that I was able to end the affairs. I had an idea so I group texted them and told them that my wife was in a treatment center for alcoholism. I also told them that they all would need to get tested.....because I certainly did. I told them as far as we know she had sex with 5 guys in 2 weeks time. LOL pretty effective way to end them right?

 

She wasn't in her right mind during any of this. She acted like zombie. Never cried, never any emotion.

[oldshirt]

I'm sorry to hear all of this.

 

Your wife is an alcoholic and her brain is under the influence of a variety of chemicals. When peoples brains are chemically altered they do not think, feel or act right and do not process information correctly or think or act rationally.

 

This is not an excuse for bad behavior or a justification for what they've done.

 

They also lie, manipulate, cover up and do dangerous and hurtful things in the moment, even though they may feel bad about it afterwards.

 

They are like the zombies on Walking Dead. They may be infected and sick, but they are still dangerous and you have to protect yourself and your family from them.

 

You did right by sending her out of the house instead of rushing to forgive.

 

You may or may not be able to get past this or continue the marriage and it's fine to let know the jury is still out and that much of it will depend on if she can sober up and stay clean and stay out of other men's beds.

 

Drunks will say anything, make promises and cry at your feet, but then they can also turn around and stab you in the back without warning.

[oldshirt]

I am pretty sure that I was able to end the affairs. I had an idea so I group texted them and told them that my wife was in a treatment center for alcoholism. I also told them that they all would need to get tested.....because I certainly did. I told them as far as we know she had sex with 5 guys in 2 weeks time. LOL pretty effective way to end them right?

 

She wasn't in her right mind during any of this. She acted like zombie. Never cried, never any emotion.

 

They knew or should've known she was married. They just didn't care. They don't care she is married and don't care how many dudes she's screwed and they don't care she has a drinking problem.

 

These were not upstanding single men looking for a legitimate girlfriend or life partner. They only cared about scoring some tail and telling them she is a drunken whore is not going to send them packing.

That may even sound all the better to them.

 

I do thinking confronting them and making it uncomfortable for them is ok though. They are after cheap and easy tail. If you make it more difficult and costly for them, they will be less likely to keep sniffing around and will look for some other loose, drunk chick.

[M1ke12]

I'm sorry to hear all of this.

 

Your wife is an alcoholic and her brain is under the influence of a variety of chemicals. When peoples brains are chemically altered they do not think, feel or act right and do not process information correctly or think or act rationally.

 

This is not an excuse for bad behavior or a justification for what they've done.

 

They also lie, manipulate, cover up and do dangerous and hurtful things in the moment, even though they may feel bad about it afterwards.

 

They are like the zombies on Walking Dead. They may be infected and sick, but they are still dangerous and you have to protect yourself and your family from them.

 

You did right by sending her out of the house instead of rushing to forgive.

 

You may or may not be able to get past this or continue the marriage and it's fine to let know the jury is still out and that much of it will depend on if she can sober up and stay clean and stay out of other men's beds.

 

Drunks will say anything, make promises and cry at your feet, but then they can also turn around and stab you in the back without warning.

 

 

I will stand by her through the alcoholism. Without batting an eye. She is my love and I still feel faithful to her. That said she will have some amends to be made and I am not a mat to be walked on.

 

How should I deal with her coldness? I know from experience that it takes time to recover from an emotional affair.....I did it to her years ago. Theres like a poison in your blood that turns you cold to your spouse. My instinct says give her time and she will come around

 

I sincerely hope the alcoholism is related to Zoloft. If you care to look it up it is crazy all the people that claim that on Zoloft they drink like a fish. Off of it, they lose their cravings. I hope thats the case.

[M1ke12]

They knew or should've known she was married. They just didn't care. They don't care she is married and don't care how many dudes she's screwed and they don't care she has a drinking problem.

 

These were not upstanding single men looking for a legitimate girlfriend or life partner. They only cared about scoring some tail and telling them she is a drunken whore is not going to send them packing.

That may even sound all the better to them.

 

I do thinking confronting them and making it uncomfortable for them is ok though. They are after cheap and easy tail. If you make it more difficult and costly for them, they will be less likely to keep sniffing around and will look for some other loose, drunk chick.

 

I absolutely let them know that I wouldn't tolerate their involvement in any way. I am a good man but nobody messes with my family. Especially my wife when she is mentally ill and obviously not in her right mind.

[oldshirt]

I will stand by her through the alcoholism. Without batting an eye. She is my love and I still feel faithful to her. That said she will have some amends to be made and I am not a mat to be walked on.

 

How should I deal with her coldness? I know from experience that it takes time to recover from an emotional affair.....I did it to her years ago. Theres like a poison in your blood that turns you cold to your spouse. My instinct says give her time and she will come around

 

I sincerely hope the alcoholism is related to Zoloft. If you care to look it up it is crazy all the people that claim that on Zoloft they drink like a fish. Off of it, they lose their cravings. I hope thats the case.

 

 

Step # 1 would be to have her professionally evaluated by a team that includes a physician/psychiatrist and addiction/alcoholism specialist. You are just spitting in the wind untill she is completely dried out and her brain is no longer under the effects of the alcohol and drugs. That also includes no longer having withdrawals or serious cravings and that could be multiple months and perhaps even years if she relapses which is more often than not.

 

Again, chemically altered brains don't work right and those people do not think, act, feel, respond or think right, so nothing can be fixed as far as your marriage until she is completely clean.

 

If you are considering remaining married to her, you can't believe a word she says until she is completely clean and you can verify everything she's said for a year or so.

 

It all hinges if she can dry out completely or not. If she can't, then your chances of having a healthy, happy, trusting, faithful marriage is nil.

 

Then if she does clean out, then you can start to address the damage of the affairs.

 

It's advisable to defer a decision to stay married until she is clean and see how the marital counseling and such goes then.

[M1ke12]

Step # 1 would be to have her professionally evaluated by a team that includes a physician/psychiatrist and addiction/alcoholism specialist. You are just spitting in the wind untill she is completely dried out and her brain is no longer under the effects of the alcohol and drugs. That also includes no longer having withdrawals or serious cravings and that could be multiple months and perhaps even years if she relapses which is more often than not.

 

Again, chemically altered brains don't work right and those people do not think, act, feel, respond or think right, so nothing can be fixed as far as your marriage until she is completely clean.

 

If you are considering remaining married to her, you can't believe a word she says until she is completely clean and you can verify everything she's said for a year or so.

 

It all hinges if she can dry out completely or not. If she can't, then your chances of having a healthy, happy, trusting, faithful marriage is nil.

 

Then if she does clean out, then you can start to address the damage of the affairs.

 

It's advisable to defer a decision to stay married until she is clean and see how the marital counseling and such goes then.

Thats exactly the approach that I planned to take. She is in a rehab center for at least 30 days. She can't even see her son. Lots of counseling and evaluations going on there. Thanks its good to hear confirmation I am on the right path.

 

I am a mess. Panic attacks, random bouts of crying, had to take a week off work. You got to understand. I LOVE this woman and want to see her well. I think her decline was so gradual over two years that I didn't notice? Oh in hind site I totally see it now but you know what they say.

[oldshirt]

Yes you are doing the right first steps. You must always address the medical, mental and chemical issues first and then address the relationship issues.

 

Now that doesn't necessarily mean it will be all roses once she goes through that process.

 

You think it's only Zoloft and alcohol and may think it's only 5 men. But they always lie, cover up, rug sweep and trickle truth.

 

You may find out there's other drugs involved and you may find out there are a lot more men going back literally years and years.

 

Defer any decisions until you have done your own thorough investigations (ie not going by what she says) and you have all the facts.

[M1ke12]

Yes you are doing the right first steps. You must always address the medical, mental and chemical issues first and then address the relationship issues.

 

Now that doesn't necessarily mean it will be all roses once she goes through that process.

 

You think it's only Zoloft and alcohol and may think it's only 5 men. But they always lie, cover up, rug sweep and trickle truth.

 

You may find out there's other drugs involved and you may find out there are a lot more men going back literally years and years.

 

Defer any decisions until you have done your own thorough investigations (ie not going by what she says) and you have all the facts.

 

Good advice. I am prepared for the worst and won't be surprised. However I have more faith in my wife. One thing, she suffers from anxiety and she was so anxious about the affair I found out within a few days just by her behavior. Going by that, I doubt she was hiding anything else but nonethess ill be ready.

 

I am gaining strength by the day now. I can even move on if I have to. Before I was a sobbing wimp, saying things like "ill never live without her" and stuff. But if I picture my life with an alcoholicy that frequently relapses, getting the hell out of dodge is my best bet.

[M1ke12]

Also, I have a 12 year old. If mom keeps relapsing I have his interest in mind. If I didn't, I would likely stick around and try again.

 

That said, I have been destroyed by this. I went from happy go lucky to this in 2 weeks. I am a mess. I don't know how much weight I have lossed but its significant.

 

Someone mentioned Al-Anon, so I went. Maybe it was the wrong meeting but those people were talking about very little problems that were nothing more than a speedbump in most peoples lives. I was on a totally different wave length and had to leave the meeting. Kind of made me mad that the group didn't have any real problems.....just stuff like my boyfriend who isn't an acholic made me mad today.

 

I have been told to find another group.

[turnera]

Line up a first-rate psychologist (PhD) who specializes in addiction and meds as well as spouse counseling. Set up at least weekly meetings. And insist she attend with you for at least three to six months. My guess is she has a LOT of buried stuff (feelings, resentments, longings, etc.) that you know absolutely nothing about. And it's going to take many many sessions before she starts to peel away those layers and get down to the REAL stuff. And unless you address those things, you'll only be putting a bandaid on a gaping sore.

 

Don't worry about the coldness. She's in freefall mode right now, and you simply can't expect her to be...herself. Give her break on that for now. If you're not seeing a difference in a month, bring it up with the counselor you two are seeing.

[M1ke12]

Line up a first-rate psychologist (PhD) who specializes in addiction and meds as well as spouse counseling. Set up at least weekly meetings. And insist she attend with you for at least three to six months. My guess is she has a LOT of buried stuff (feelings, resentments, longings, etc.) that you know absolutely nothing about. And it's going to take many many sessions before she starts to peel away those layers and get down to the REAL stuff. And unless you address those things, you'll only be putting a bandaid on a gaping sore.

 

Don't worry about the coldness. She's in freefall mode right now, and you simply can't expect her to be...herself. Give her break on that for now. If you're not seeing a difference in a month, bring it up with the counselor you two are seeing.

 

Thanks you guys have been great. I agree with time the coldness will probably go away. I have high hopes for us really. That stuff she pulled is SOOOOOO far out of character I really think that was the transition from functional alcoholic to non functional alcoholic.

[Mr. Lucky]

But she is still attached to that other guy and I am expecting a cold welcome.

 

What does this mean?

 

Mr. Lucky

[M1ke12]

What does this mean?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

15 years ago I had an emotional affair so when I say this it comes from that experience. I was young and dumb and thought it wasn't an affair. It absolutely was. And it hurt my wife in ways I only understand now.

 

During my affair I got attached to that person and grew cold to my wife. The only way I can describe it is kind of like how chicks imprint on their mother? I was imprinted on this other woman and grew cold to my wife.

 

I see that she is going through the same thing. Further, it is like a drug that is in your system. Your judgement is skewed. Worse you actually think that you are thinking clearer then you EVER have. I told myself that. This is my experience. Lets hope you never go through it.

 

My wife gave me a gift. After a week of crying for hours in my room, fits of anger, grief for our lost marriage, worry and concern for her I have come to realize that my love for that person is infinite. I never appreciated how deep it runs.

 

The other gift she gave me was that now, finally, I understand what she went through. Four times my crying left me wretching in the toilet.

 

Now get this. I am all MAN. I have never been accused of being one of those metrosexual types. I am an athlete and physical pain means very little to me. I have had a broken pelvis, hip replacement at 44. I breezed through both. I am a cyclist and had two bad crashes. The first was the pelvis and the second I knocked my four front teeth out, broken nose, broken collar bone and had to ride myself 4 miles back to the trail head......small potatoes seriously. Theres a point to this, I am not bragging.

 

This was by far worse. I will take that broken pelvis over what I have been through. What she gave me was a gift, no other way to look at it.

 

She called yesterday. I was very surprised to hear from her as calls are supposed to only happen Saturday. She got special permission and I gather that is rare.

 

She sounded amazing. I could hear the difference in her tone, voice inflection, pronounciation. now i wonder how I didn't notice before.

 

Long story short: We are cautiously optimistic. She did not sound cold but rather more concerned that I couldn't forgive her for her terrible and weird behavior. How could I not? Who would I be if I didn't at least try? She forgave me right?

 

She explained that the last two weeks, when all this went down, that she was watching a movie and the lead role was her. And because it was a movie she couldn't control actions. I get it. I totally get it because in those two weeks my wife was GONE. It was literally like talking to someone totally free of any emotion.

 

She gave me a gift. And even if, by chance, it doesn't work for us ill be able to carry that gift into my next relationship. Uhm, not going to lie my next relationship would have been with my bike. LOL

Edited January 15, 2016 by M1ke12

[M1ke12]

According to phone records and her own admission it was 3 men in two weeks. I told those A-holes via group text it was 5 in two weeks. Do I think it would work? 50/50. They could be like oldcoat describes.

 

ZERO sign of any wrong doings prior to the christmas party which is exactly what her story was.

 

My wife is a good looking 44 year old woman. Fit, with nice breasts and nice face. She is one of those that actually gets better looking with age. No joke. So yes, a woman like that handing out numbers in a bar.....theres going to be some guys that respond.

[fireflywy]

If you have her phone, time to cancel her number. That'll take care of any guys trying to call her.

 

Sorry to hear that all of this happening. I hope the best for you both (her treatment and your happiness whatever form it may take.)

Edited January 15, 2016 by fireflywy

[Mr. Lucky]

She explained that the last two weeks, when all this went down, that she was watching a movie and the lead role was her. And because it was a movie she couldn't control actions. I get it. I totally get it because in those two weeks my wife was GONE. It was literally like talking to someone totally free of any emotion.

 

Sorry M1ke12 but that's spin, rationalization and a nearly complete lack of personal responsibility. Alcohol was a component in your wife's cheating, it wasn't the reason. She may emerge from rehab sober, doesn't mean she'll emerge faithful...

 

Mr. Lucky

[turnera]

I disagree. I absolutely believe in people having breakdowns just like this. It's not intended. It's not wanted. It's a strange, horrible path that people sometimes go down. Especially women, who are raised to be nice, quiet, respectable, and never ever ever admit that they have desires.

 

But they CAN come back from it, with the help of professionals.

[Mr. Lucky]

I disagree. I absolutely believe in people having breakdowns just like this. It's not intended. It's not wanted. It's a strange, horrible path that people sometimes go down. Especially women, who are raised to be nice, quiet, respectable, and never ever ever admit that they have desires.

 

Well then, if I ever cheat on my wife, I'll make sure I'm drunk. Between that and a claimed MLC, my spouse would be expected to understand.

 

Look, I understand good people are capable of bad things. But sex with 5(?) partners indicates a degree of resentment and hostility that should be fully addressed before the OP makes any decisions...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BuddyX]

Alcohol alters actions not morals.

If your wife was meant to do it she was meant to do it. There is something brewing underneath here.

You have to get to the bottom of this.

[RySant]

I am a mess. Panic attacks, random bouts of crying, had to take a week off work. You got to understand. I LOVE this woman and want to see her well. I think her decline was so gradual over two years that I didn't notice? Oh in hind site I totally see it now but you know what they say.

 

You mentioned you did the same before. How long has it been? Maybe that's the reason? She might not have been fully healed by that experience and is experiencing a meltdown by pretending she's okay when she's not.

[turnera]

Well then, if I ever cheat on my wife, I'll make sure I'm drunk. Between that and a claimed MLC, my spouse would be expected to understand.

 

Look, I understand good people are capable of bad things. But sex with 5(?) partners indicates a degree of resentment and hostility that should be fully addressed before the OP makes any decisions...

 

Mr. Lucky

It also can indicate a high level of mania. For which a professional should be employed to discover if and how she slipped over the edge. I've seen it happen to people.

[Mr. Lucky]

It also can indicate a high level of mania.

 

Manic behavior can't be controlled, it's just as likely to manifest during Christmas dinner as it is to underpin cheating behavior with 5 partners.

 

Then after my wives christmas party she got cold, nervous, distant and I noticed she was guarrding her phone. I had a few other clues as well.

 

Sounds pretty calculated and rational to me...

 

Mr. Lucky

[DevastatedDiva]

I'm sorry to hear about your wife. It sounds like she had a breakdown. I hope she recovers fully. You are a good man to help her.