My wife had an affair [updated]

[dreamingoftigers]

Sorry not the case.

 

I hate to say it but it might be.

 

My husband had to do two rounds of treatment and get kicked out of the house for months before it sunk in.

 

It's hard to swallow. I know.

 

Just watch out. It's not about her being "evil" or whatever. It's about the brain being disordered and not sorting itself well.

 

I'm.honestly surprised that my husband has come as far and been as solid as he has been.

 

I can't take my ADD meds when I'm pregnant (close to 7 months now) so I'm the 'train-wreck' this year. And he's been like a rock. Amazing.

[Red123]

Lol...believe this if u want. I would not

 

Ok. My real point was it doesn't really matter what I believe or anyone else believes. It's what he believes and if he's wrong he will deal with it.

[ShatteredLady]

Do you know yet if the cutting was a suicidal gesture for attention (still very much a demonstration of internal anguish) or was it 'pain management' cutting?

 

I'm so sorry. Did she do a lot of damage to herself?

 

At my lowest point, many years ago, everything in my life was so overwhelming. I was in turmoil & felt that I had no control at all. I remember sitting, holding a lit cigarette to my arm watching the skin burn & bubble. I can still recal the horrible smell & taste of burning flesh. Still have the scars as a reminder.

 

I 'coped' by cutting & burning myself for a couple of months. Controlling my pain, having it within my 'power' was a way to relieve my crippling anxiety & emotional agony. Although it's a very different thing from a suicide attempt they are both indicative of a very tortured mind.

 

Sometimes I think it must be even harder to deal with being responsible for your own completely screwed-up life. It's easier to have sympathy for 'victims' of abuse but abusing yourself & destroying everything you hold dear (like your wife did) must be brutal in so many ways.

 

I feel desperately sorry for both of you. This is such a horrific experience. I sincerely hope that you guys get through this & develop an intense intimacy that comes from sharing the abyss & escaping it.

 

I can only imagine the strength that this is taking. You must be exhausted. I'm so sorry.

[M1ke12]

Do you know yet if the cutting was a suicidal gesture for attention (still very much a demonstration of internal anguish) or was it 'pain management' cutting?

 

I'm so sorry. Did she do a lot of damage to herself?

 

At my lowest point, many years ago, everything in my life was so overwhelming. I was in turmoil & felt that I had no control at all. I remember sitting, holding a lit cigarette to my arm watching the skin burn & bubble. I can still recal the horrible smell & taste of burning flesh. Still have the scars as a reminder.

 

I 'coped' by cutting & burning myself for a couple of months. Controlling my pain, having it within my 'power' was a way to relieve my crippling anxiety & emotional agony. Although it's a very different thing from a suicide attempt they are both indicative of a very tortured mind.

 

Sometimes I think it must be even harder to deal with being responsible for your own completely screwed-up life. It's easier to have sympathy for 'victims' of abuse but abusing yourself & destroying everything you hold dear (like your wife did) must be brutal in so many ways.

 

I feel desperately sorry for both of you. This is such a horrific experience. I sincerely hope that you guys get through this & develop an intense intimacy that comes from sharing the abyss & escaping it.

 

I can only imagine the strength that this is taking. You must be exhausted. I'm so sorry.

 

Thank you. So far the anxiety is what is killing me. I have a subscription for Lorazopam that I need once in awhile. So far she has never done this. Ever. And no it wasn't that serious and I did call the ambulance because I was scared but also I wanted her looked after for the rest of the night.

 

I really think things are improving. Everything except my anxiety! LOL. Really she has reassured me that she isn't going anywhere, she is here to work on things, and she feels more and more stable all the time. She is not lying.

Edited February 4, 2016 by M1ke12

[JamesM]

Thank you. So far the anxiety is what is killing me. I have a subscription for Lorazopam that I need once in awhile. So far she has never done this. Ever. And no it wasn't that serious and I did call the ambulance because I was scared but also I wanted her looked after for the rest of the night.

 

I really think things are improving. Everything except my anxiety! LOL. Really she has reassured me that she isn't going anywhere, she is here to work on things, and she feels more and more stable all the time. She is not lying.

 

I commend you for your strength and commitment. I truly hope this is all for the best and the worst is behind you.

 

But...(you knew I would do that )

 

If she is an alcoholic, then as has been said, she is an accomplished liar. I have a former employee who could tell me straight to my face that she wasn't drinking. I truly believed her. A few months later, I found out that she fell off the wagon. Looking back, I WANTED to believe her, and I ignored the signs that would have told me she was drinking.

 

Let's assume your wife truly believes today that she is staying with you and will never let anything happen again. My friend would say to you that your wife does believe it and truly will try. However, if alcohol interferes, then all of that will fall by the wayside. She will go back to what she was.

 

I only mention the worst case scenarios because I want you to succeed. As has been said, always be on the alert for let's say, the next five years or so. Always watch for red flags.

 

But still trust her.

 

As the quote says, Trust but Verify.

 

I think this can work out, and I have some confidence that it will...because YOU want it to. Now as long as SHE wants it to, then it will.

[M1ke12]

We had a horrible day thursday. My emotions got the best of me and I had a melt down.

 

Nevertheless friday we left town together for the week end. My goal was to reconnect and I was worried after Thursday, that things would go south.

 

They didn't! I was very relaxed, no anxiety, the big blow up thursday is what I needed. We danced, we hiked, all in our favorite place. Really a good week end.

[RySant]

Glad to hear that you have good progress Mike12!

[TX-SC]

Meltdowns are to be expected by a BS after an affair. This will be part of your life for quite a while. How your spouse deals with them will say a lot about where her heart is. She will need to learn how to comfort and reassure you when the pain gets to a boiling point. Regardless of what medication she was on or any alcoholic tendencies, she cheated. She did something with several men that should only be done with you. That's going to hurt for a LONG time. You are going above and beyond in working through this. She now has to go above and beyond to make you feel safe in your own marriage.

 

I'm very glad that you had a good, loving weekend with your wife. I hope there are many more to come.

[thummper]

I read your thread and all I can say is I have great hopes for you and your sweet wife. Damn alcohol has ruined too many lives. I hope she no longer feels the need to use it.

[M1ke12]

Like the title says. I do not think I will be able to move passed what she told me last night, right before marriage counseling.

 

I pressed her on the issue of sex.

 

She finally came out and said that she was not sexually attracted to me. That there was no sexual chemistry, like she had with the other guy.

 

So ya, why am I trying? She says she wants space.

 

She is going to get it. I guess 180 huh? Last ditch effort?

[katielee]

the 180 is for YOU, to protect yourself as you go through this turmoil. She may come around or may not, but you need to heal yourself anyway.

You can't make her get it.

WAnting space = she still wants to screw around.

[Mrs. John Adams]

She is trying to tell you it is over.....

I am so sorry Mike. You have tried so hard. But you cannot fix things alone.

[aliveagain]

Sorry to hear the latest. You can't make somebody love you and you can't make someone sexually attracted to you, that's the kiss of death. The 180 is intended to help you detach, while doing so it shows her that you have strength and strength is an attractive trait to women. My guess is she is one of the reasons that she is medicating herself with alcohol is her lack of sexual attraction to you, she knows that is a big problem but she isn't strong enough to break things off. Her affairs may have been exit affairs. You need to prepare yourself for the worst, protect yourself and your children.

[Satu]

Like the title says. I do not think I will be able to move passed what she told me last night, right before marriage counseling.

 

*I pressed her on the issue of sex.

 

She finally came out and said that she was not sexually attracted to me. That **there was no sexual chemistry, like she had with the other guy.

 

So ya, why am I trying? She says she wants space.

 

She is going to get it. I guess 180 huh? Last ditch effort?

 

 

*Explore that wound in therapy, rather than with her.

 

**She wants to experience that 'chemistry' with someone who isn't you.

 

 

The sooner you eject from this relationship, the sooner you can heal.

 

The longer you stay in the relationship, the more wounded you'll become.

 

 

Eject.

 

 

Take care.

[drifter777]

For her to say this pretty much means she's done with the marriage. She is probably still in touch with OM or another guy and feels secure in dumping you and going to him. You have been a back-up plan for quite a while and now she's ready to move on to her plan A - someone else. I'm sorry you have to go through all this but remember; you are far, far from alone in this. Millions of people divorce every year and nearly all of them get through it just fine. It's painful now but it will lead you to a better life once you disconnect from her and can face life anew.

[R.Gant]

wow "not sexually attracted" & "no sexual chemistry" that'a bit harsh but yeah the marriage is over.

 

the 180 wont fix this or help the marriage, but it will help you heal

 

NO MORE LAST DITCH EFFORT TO SAVE THE MARRIAGE!

 

prepare yourself for divorce, call an attorney & don't tell her yet. (this is gonna be expensive but you need it.)

Its time for you to get coached in approaching the divorce. (settle for amicable divorce and don't even think of going for infidelity divorce. It may feel right but that is even more expensive and besides courts these days don't give a wooden-nickle about infidelity.)

 

In any case "don't leave the primary residence". unless there is a separation agreement.

 

you renting an apartment before the separation agreement could be seen as abandoning or attempting to abandon the family.

 

Never settle for anything less than 50% custody of your child.

 

Go to talk to a counselor. when you do see the shrink tell him "you no longer want to stay married" cause that affects how he will deal with you.

 

Your WW could have already have had a head start on you. So prepare and don't agree with anything unless you got your own legal counsel.

Edited February 12, 2016 by R.Gant

[WomenWubber]

The 180 is not going to make her attracted to you.

 

Chances are nothing will work at this point.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

I'm going to be the devil's advocate on this one and say that she is not necessarily saying that it's over. . .

 

Many individuals feel as if the affair partner(s) offer a better sexual experience than what they have had for years. . . Most of those individuals, at some point, say (often too late) that they should not have thrown away what they had built in their marriage, for what essentially amounts to nothing more than a fling.

 

Just remember the one thing in all of this. You can only control YOU. Your feelings, reactions, judgements, actions, decisions, your health, etc, etc, etc. So I agree, 180, and work on you and protect your mental and physical health and well being. I agree with all of that.

 

What I disagree with is that the statements "I am not attracted to you" & "I do not have sexual chemistry with you," are not marital death sentences. . . The butterflies, passion and fires fade with all relationships. . . Are these things re-ignitable and re-kindle-able, I unequivocally believe that they are.

 

If the two of you will be one of the rare instances that do turn around. . . that I cannot predict. Only if the two of you genuinely give it your best effort as a team and work together towards the common goal of re-igniting that passion. And of course, neither of you are there at this moment.

 

Keep up posted as things change. Stay grounded, as the roller coaster can be very challenging!

[ShatteredLady]

I've analyzed & questioned this kind of thing until I'm loosing the little sheds of mind that were holding the despair together.

 

I can understand people going through stages in a life long marriage where they feel all kinds of different things. What cripples my mind is 'Why, WHY say it??'. That's so cruel. I'm so sorry.

 

My H excuses these things by saying that he has a "toxic gob". Sometimes he says that he doesn't know why he says the things he does. Sometimes it's "like an out of body experience. He knows he said it but doesn't know why" other times (particularly written things to his friend & her) it's "I guess I'm just too honest for my own good!".

 

I could NEVER say that to someone that I have any human consideration for....I couldn't say that to my man, someone I'm supposed to have feelings for. Why do people say things like that? It's just cruel. You aren't in a position to change that...it's too general to 'fix'. It's cruel & heartless.

 

All I know is what I've read here & you seem like a really good man, thoughtful, considerate, lovable. I'm so sorry. They're cruel words. What are you supposed to do with them? It's just mean.

 

Is your wife one of those people who blurts out the most cutting thing that pops into her mind when she feels cornered? Does she silence or control you with cruelty?

 

Oh whatever!! It's either true & you can consider 'working on it' or it's JUST toxic cruel words. The fact that she can even look you in the eye & say it is so horrible & wrong.

 

I couldn't do that! Lately I'm starting to see myself as pathetic. Maybe I'd be doing better in life if I could be cutting & cruel. I feel like an abused puppy, whimpering for a little consideration (very bad night & crying all day). If this could be a "Do as I say & NOT what I do" thing please walk away now! Tolerating being treated like that will kill your self worth.

 

I'm so very sorry. Huge hugs. People break my heart. Life doesn't have to be like this. It really doesn't! I'm so sorry.

[R.Gant]

Its one thing for the wayward to give some space its another to ask for it.

 

I think this ship has already sunk. I think all is said and done.

 

The door is already closing in this chapter of your life a new one will soon open.

[TX-SC]

Mike,

I am so very sorry to hear that your marriage has taken yet another turn for the worse. I think that all you can really do at this point is to take her at her word on this. If she is not attracted to you then I really don't think you can reignite that spark. Here is what I THINK is going on. I think your wife is still in contact with the OM. The reason she was so upset that you told people that she had FIVE partners was that she was really upset that you may have ruined things with the OM. She has been back in touch with him and explained things, and is now considering a relationship with him. I could be wrong about this and she may just be going through more of her withdrawal phase, but it doesn't look good.

 

Everyone here who has dealt with mental instability and/or alcoholism has told you that this is NOT an easy road. The life you would have ahead of you would be very difficult, even with a wife that truly loves and adores you. To do so with someone who has fallen out of love or isn't attracted to you is just simply not worth doing.

 

Personally, I think you should ask her again what her feelings are for you and what she wants out of all of this. In essence, what would make her happy? If she continues with the "I don't know" or "I just don't love you like I did" or "I'm not attracted to you" routine, then ask her would she be okay with separating and filing for divorce. Explain that you need to live your life too, and that you can always stop the divorce later if you want to. Do this in a way that is not accusatory or mean. Tell her you only want her to be happy and if she isn't into you, then you should move on with your lives. Once she has agreed to this, gently prod her as to whether she is in touch with her affair partner. Maybe she will tell you the truth once she knows it's over. Then, you can move on with no regrets.

 

There is an important thing I want you to remember here Mike. You are a great husband and have been willing to bend over backwards for your wife. I don't care if you look like Quasimodo, there are a lot of women out there that would kill to have a wonderful, loving husband like you. Don't beat yourself up over this. You will cry. You will be very sad. You will be angry. But, in the end, you will get through this and you will find a new love.

 

Whatever you do, don't be an ass like I am. If it were me, I'd probably get $300 cash out of the bank, give it to my wife and drop her off at the local pub. Then when she came home drunk, I'd document the **** out of it. I'd do that a few more times until I have good documentation of it, then I'd kick her out on her ass and take full custody of the children. But then, like I said, DON'T be like me...

[Forceawakensme]

I've analyzed & questioned this kind of thing until I'm loosing the little sheds of mind that were holding the despair together.

 

I can understand people going through stages in a life long marriage where they feel all kinds of different things. What cripples my mind is 'Why, WHY say it??'. That's so cruel. I'm so sorry.

 

My H excuses these things by saying that he has a "toxic gob". Sometimes he says that he doesn't know why he says the things he does. Sometimes it's "like an out of body experience. He knows he said it but doesn't know why" other times (particularly written things to his friend & her) it's "I guess I'm just too honest for my own good!".

 

I could NEVER say that to someone that I have any human consideration for....I couldn't say that to my man, someone I'm supposed to have feelings for. Why do people say things like that? It's just cruel. You aren't in a position to change that...it's too general to 'fix'. It's cruel & heartless.

 

All I know is what I've read here & you seem like a really good man, thoughtful, considerate, lovable. I'm so sorry. They're cruel words. What are you supposed to do with them? It's just mean.

 

Is your wife one of those people who blurts out the most cutting thing that pops into her mind when she feels cornered? Does she silence or control you with cruelty?

 

Oh whatever!! It's either true & you can consider 'working on it' or it's JUST toxic cruel words. The fact that she can even look you in the eye & say it is so horrible & wrong.

 

I couldn't do that! Lately I'm starting to see myself as pathetic. Maybe I'd be doing better in life if I could be cutting & cruel. I feel like an abused puppy, whimpering for a little consideration (very bad night & crying all day). If this could be a "Do as I say & NOT what I do" thing please walk away now! Tolerating being treated like that will kill your self worth.

 

I'm so very sorry. Huge hugs. People break my heart. Life doesn't have to be like this. It really doesn't! I'm so sorry.

 

Sadly, i think she is saying those things so he WILL walk away. Perhaps she knows this is the only way he'll give up on trying to save the marriage, perhaps this is exactly what she wants. Being nice and not 'cruel' is perhaps not working... She wants space / end of marriage and is using strong, hurtful words to achieve this. JMHO

[MJJean]

Sadly, i think she is saying those things so he WILL walk away. Perhaps she knows this is the only way he'll give up on trying to save the marriage, perhaps this is exactly what she wants. Being nice and not 'cruel' is perhaps not working... She wants space / end of marriage and is using strong, hurtful words to achieve this. JMHO

 

That's almost exactly what I was going to say in reply to ShatteredLady's post!

 

Sometimes, you really do need a 2x4.

 

My first marriage was an absolute disaster and my exH was having a hard time accepting that it was really over despite me being involved physically and emotionally with another man. Telling him I wanted a divorce wasn't enough. Telling him that we had years of misery, lies, cheating, etc. etc. and that it was past time to put a stop to the insanity even without another man in my life wasn't enough. Telling him I didn't love him, had never loved him or anyone else, and did love my OM wasn't enough, but there was some progress.

 

Finally, I had to tell him I wasn't sexually attracted to him, that he wasn't capable of meeting my physical or intellectual needs, and that the reason I partied every weekend was because I couldn't stand to be sober and deal with the very depressing thought of spending the rest of my life with him....well, that finally got through to him.

 

I didn't say it to be mean, I said it because he was refusing to get it and I was desperate for him to understand I really, truly, needed to get out of that marriage.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi Mike,

 

What do you know of the 180? I've read many articles and posts about it. One the best was by a mod on this board http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

 

Make a point of reviewing daily this post and posting your thpughts here or in a journal. It will help you reach clarity and maintain consistency.

 

The OM is either a long term affair, the fog in full force or both. Mike, a 2.? point is not drunk, it is a massive sudden intake of alcohol. I had a fender ,bender. Really what happened ? I was doing 120 mph and crashed. Mike, people die from that level.

 

You touched on several points and blew right by them. Why did you kick your daughter out of the house ? Your on serious meds, she's on serious meds, your children ?

 

I question how in touch with reality you are in right now. Things will worsen as she acts out. At some point she will start up with other man, age feel it is unfair she can't have sleep overs with him in your house. I pray you do have boundaries in place and have the will to enforce them.

 

Have you seen a lawyer? Do you have a plan for gaining full custody ?

 

DO NOT LEAVE THE HOME. If anything gently push her out. Do not reason but she needs help, yes she does but allowing her to play with jet fuel and matches in the home is insane.

[road]

This marriage is not dead, not over, WW is not going anywhere yet.

 

 

Post D day many WW's still fogged up still justifying what the did to themselves.

 

 

So they say they still love the OM, they do not want to have sex with the BH, their feelings for the BH are gone.

 

 

Yet as the WW's defog they realize what a POS the OM is, they redevelop feelings for their BH. The marriage recovers.