When reconciling: How do you possibly get over what your ex did while she was single?

[Chicago.]

During a two month break...my ex was somewhat busy with about 4 partners, she wanted to get this off her chest before we got back together. The furthest she went was giving oral sex to an ex boyfriend and I am having trouble getting over it. It is too late for me to ask her to keep what she did during our break to herself. I was not busy while we were separated..I was too busy hoping she would come back and disappointed that she had not, to focus on anyone else even in a casual way.

 

This was our first break in 4 years and I understand it damaged the foundation of our relationship... I'm trying to make things work since she seems to be trying as well. I just can't with this on my mind. Any advice?

[LostOnes05]

Oh, besides dumping her?

[Chicago.]

For simply telling me what she did? That seems to be the only thing that truly would have made a difference at this point.

Oh, besides dumping her?

[TaraMaiden2]

For simply telling me what she did? That seems to be the only thing that truly would have made a difference at this point.

 

Well then, what do you want?

Because there is no magic formula.

 

What you BOTH did, was a choice.

You CHOSE to deal with things one way, because you hoped for a reconciliation.

She chose to do things differently.

 

What that does to her image, in your eyes - is only something you have to come to terms with, whatever it takes.

You can either choose to get over it and move on, or let it influence your emotions, and quit now.

 

And no.

There IS no 'middle ground'.

[DrMario]

I couldn't be with an ex again if I knew she had been with another man, unless she felt deep regret and remorse for it, either way you'll have to make a decision that's best for you, you could probably get over it in time but in my experience, it takes a long time to heal from something like that and truly be over it, you'll have to decide for yourself if it's worth it or not.

[CarrieT]

The furthest she went was giving oral sex to an ex boyfriend and I am having trouble getting over it.

You two weren't together. She had no loyalty to you, not knowing if you were ever going to be a couple again.

 

What - should she have taken a vow of celibacy in the hopes of staying chaste for you?

 

Give me a break. She was a single person and the way you get over it is to understand she is a human being and didn't owe you anything. If you can't accept her for who she is, than end the relationship and move on.

[kgcolonel]

I am in agreement with DrMario....did she have sincere regret for her activities while on the break? Were you able to determine the reasons for her involvement with the others....i.e. just to have fun, trying to forget the hurt from your relationship, trying to move on etc.....

 

I think I would need more understanding as to what she was thinking at the time and how she felt about it now to determine how well i would be able to get over this.....

 

Either way, you will need to decide if the relationship is worth your effort to get over this situation.

[LostOnes05]

For simply telling me what she did? That seems to be the only thing that truly would have made a difference at this point.

 

Ok, but look at the mental anguish it is causing you now that you know. The simple fact that someone broke up with me to be with others and then came back, wouldn't fly with me.

 

Sure, she didn't owe you anything during the break up but think about it this way. Do you want to be the consolation prize? In my opinion (and it's just that), it's not like you met her and she told you about 4 guys. You were with her, she left, and then came back. Ask yourself why? Is it because you are so great? Is it the connection you shared? Or is it because she saw you as the comfortable fish tank after being at sea for a while? Also, If you believe it was just oral sex pry a little harder...i'm sure you'll find out otherwise. Best of luck and I hope it all works out.

[TaraMaiden2]

I am in agreement with DrMario....did she have sincere regret for her activities while on the break?

Why should she have?

Did they agree, when embarking on this break, that they would remain celibate and faithful to one another for the duration?

I don't think the OP mentioned anything of the kind...

 

When you go on a 'break', there are certain conditions to the break you BOTH adhere to, and both abide by.

If those conditions aren't laid down - then it's a free-for-all.

 

Were you able to determine the reasons for her involvement with the others....i.e. just to have fun, trying to forget the hurt from your relationship, trying to move on etc.....

It's none of his business. They were on a break, and clearly, she saw things in a different light to the way he did.

But that doesn't make either of them wrong, or right. So she has no apology to make, and no reasons to give.

 

I think I would need more understanding as to what she was thinking at the time and how she felt about it now to determine how well i would be able to get over this.....

Only if pre-conditions to the break existed.

If not, in her shoes, I'd tell the OP sorry, but -butt out.

 

Either way, you will need to decide if the relationship is worth your effort to get over this situation.

No, He won't.

What he will have to decide is whether he himself can get over his own hang-up about the fact that what she did is what she did, or cut and run, because he can't.

[Satu]

She's done nothing wrong.

 

You weren't a couple at that time, and she was free to do whatever she wanted. So were you.

 

Your ego got dinged.

 

Fix it.

[cupcakebunny]

Uhh...you either accept the fact that an adult person (that you broke up with) had a sex life while she was single and let it go OR you don't and move on. BUT going to be honest the older you get the more history that exists for people(emotional/sexual) so I think you'll run into the same problem.

 

 

The only thing you have the right to ask is if there were partners and she was tested for the purposes of practicing safe sex. That's it. You were both single. You could have done the same. So unless you had ground rules to the break i.e. exclusivity and no other partners, she did nothing wrong and YOU not her need to get over it.

[kgcolonel]

Why should she have?

Did they agree, when embarking on this break, that they would remain celibate and faithful to one another for the duration?

I don't think the OP mentioned anything of the kind...

 

 

you're right on this and I should have worded it as "did she see that this was disturbing to you and if so, what was her reaction. (While she may have been perfectly within her rights to both hook up while on a break and then share it with OP....my perspective is that no one looking to get Back together should shrug off the pain of the other. Not saying she did this but looking for her perspective of the importance of OP's feelings as they were / are getting back together.)

 

When you go on a 'break', there are certain conditions to the break you BOTH adhere to, and both abide by.

If those conditions aren't laid down - then it's a free-for-all.

 

Good Point...

 

 

It's none of his business. They were on a break, and clearly, she saw things in a different light to the way he did.

But that doesn't make either of them wrong, or right. So she has no apology to make, and no reasons to give.

 

Right again until the details were shared, disagree however if she shared to "clear her conscience but not so much if he prodded and begged for the details.

 

Only if pre-conditions to the break existed.

If not, in her shoes, I'd tell the OP sorry, but -butt out.

 

If one is looking to "get back together" one would reasonably think they care about that other person....BUTT OUT doesn't communicate that direction...."I don't think I'll share that information' is indicative of a more "Let's get back together" attitude.

 

 

No, He won't.

What he will have to decide is whether he himself can get over his own hang-up about the fact that what she did is what she did, or cut and run, because he can't.

 

Not sure this is different from what I said....

[TaraMaiden2]

Well, the OP states she wanted to get the information 'off her chest'.

 

It's difficult to gauge the implication, as to whether it was because she felt guilty, or whether she felt starting again "with a clean slate" and telling him before he found out from anyone else...

 

Either way, on re-reading, yes, I think we were more or less saying the same thing in our last comments.... but I think this is far more 'his' problem to deal with, than 'hers'....

[d0nnivain]

If you can't put it out of your mind, you can't reconcile. It's a simple as that. Her being with these 4 other guys is a fact. There are no time machines. Unconditional acceptance is all there is if you hope to have a relationship. Otherwise, don't bother because it won't work. You will end up fighting about it.

[fireflywy]

I agree with the other posters in that you either accept it or don't. I personally don't know ifi could take it and would think I was the fall back after four years. Four guys in two months is a whole lot of rodeos for a two month break IMO. (Stress my opinion.)

 

However, everyone is different and if I thought someone WAS special enough to take back, I would do two things (one which I may get hammered on)

 

1. Consider whether or not she had others BEFORE she met you the first time and then reframe your break and reconciliation in that lite.

 

2. If successful with one, any of those guys she had her daliances with are ZERO, ZILCH, NADA and completely, unalterably, out of her life in THIS circumstance. Make it a boundary in reconciliation and then DROP it unless she wavers in which case you drop her and move on.

 

Good luck.

Edited February 4, 2016 by fireflywy

[Shaun777]

LET IT GO. I'm sorry, but if during that short amount of time she chose to have relations with at least 4 or more individuals you don't have a woman who is in love with you. Cut your loss and move on.

 

The reason you are hurt is due to the fact that what she did was totally against what you believe. You will never be comfortable with her, she has given you a way out. Take it.

 

She will disappoint you again if you bring her back into your life. If she really cared for you she would have been trying to figure out what went wrong with your relationship. As you were attempting to do instead of looking for other men.

 

I guess she told you that she only had oral with her ex, that may not be all that actually happened. Doubt will also surface when you think about what she might have done with the other guys she fooled around with.

 

The reason you feel the way you do is that your trust for her has been diminished, and without trust you have no foundation to build on.

 

An ex is an ex for a reason, you are heading head first into a world of pain.

 

Whatever happened between you too was bad enough that she wanted to move on and test the waters. Instead of waiting for her, you should have been looking forward not backward.

 

I've known many men who have similar stories as yours, and none have had a happy ending. However those who chose to move on have been able to find someone who appreciates them and are much happier now with the new person in their lives.

 

Yes you may have been separated or broken up, but that doesn't make what she did feel any better. She has now shown you who she is...BELIEVE HER.

 

The decision is yours, lead with your head, not just your heart. Good luck.