Divorcing and moved out Monday. Help!

[JavaMan]

Hi,

 

I am sitting here in a friends RV and I am actually relieved. After trying for over 2 years I finally got fed up and left.

 

Am I so narcissistic that I think it's all her fault? No, but I am also not so stupid to believe that it is all my fault - which, as far as I can tell, she has thought for the last 2+ years.

 

Anyway, I don't want to turn into a ranting raving mess. I've done that enough in my journals over the last years LOL...

 

I figure there really isn't much to discuss, but I would like to introduce myself - I'm 60, this will be my second divorce, and after I moved out on Monday, I felt peace. Of course, some of that is because I have not heard from her since! I do find that interesting.

 

So, there you have it. Anything else, you'll have to ask - I'll try to answer.

[RySant]

Second Divorce..... Are you having commitment issues or just had bad luck in choosing whom to marry?

[TaraMaiden2]

Second Divorce..... Are you having commitment issues or just had bad luck in choosing whom to marry?

 

given that it's his second marriage in let's say 40 years, I doubt commitment is the problem....

 

And people change.

 

The people we initially hitch up with, transform over time into a different entity.

Nothing stays the same, ever.

 

What seemed an ideal, perfect and good idea at the time, changes, because people quit trying, and they put themselves first.

In a nutshell.

[angel.eyes]

given that it's his second marriage in let's say 40 years, I doubt commitment is the problem....

 

And people change.

 

The people we initially hitch up with, transform over time into a different entity.

Nothing stays the same, ever.

 

What seemed an ideal, perfect and good idea at the time, changes, because people quit trying, and they put themselves first.

In a nutshell.

 

You're making assumptions about when he first got married, how long his two marriages lasted, and why they both failed.

[TaraMaiden2]

Of course I'm making assumptions! Just like the previous questions were!

[JavaMan]

Ok, more info is needed ... it took me awhile to find this, since it appears the title I gave it was changed.

 

First off, first marriage, 20 years. First time being screamed at was the ex flipping out over which way I put the TP on the holder. - that was 3 months in to the marriage. You would have thought we were the stereotypical Italian husband and wife, with the yelling and the screaming. But we weren't. She basically wanted things run her own way. And I wasn't against compromise, but when it was all ME compromising, um... yeah. and then when I heard, "If I never to that again the rest of my life, I wouldn't miss it" ... I'll let you figure out what "that" was...

 

So, after 18 months of no relations, and things getting worse, I asked if she really wanted stay married to me. Her answer was, "I'll think about it". Not exactly the right answer.

 

Current marriage of almost 7 years... apparently I hadn't figured out the signs. Basically, a slightly milder form of the first wife. So, who ever said that it was bad luck in choosing? well... that's not too far off, I guess.

 

Not so much bad luck but difficulty seeing the symptoms / flags that would indicate that there might be some unresolved issues that are being ignored or that she is completely blind to.

 

Don't get me wrong. I am not the perfect guy (much as I'd wish I was)... but I am at the very least willing to examine my actions and motives when someone points out that they aren't happy with the husband I am being (or employee, or friend, etc...). I firmly believe that I can only change me, not someone else. Which means I need to be open to at least the suggestion that maybe I'm "off" or something.

 

So, this time, after nearly 34 months of nothing happening (and believe me, this is simply a symptom of the rest of what is going on), I am tired of it all being heaped on me.

 

We've been to counseling, and twice with one counselor, and once with another, she has said, in one form or another, that she can't think of anything that she could do to be a better wife, or worse yet, has said that she's only there to make sure I get the help I need.

 

Oh, I am willing to accept the counsel from a counselor, and I even called out the ways I could improve, and be a better husband... but emotionally, I feel she has been pulling away for years. which is sad.

 

Now there's a bit more info, and in the telling of the tale, I actually have more confidence that this is the right thing.

[angel.eyes]

What questions do you have for us, if any? In starting the thread, were you looking for advice, seeking support, or just sharing?

[Arieswoman]

JaveaMan,

I'm not sure whether you want advice or are just venting.

 

 

However, my 6 penneth is this; Why do you choose women that seem to have anger management problems? Is there a problem with the way you communicate/approach problem solving?

 

 

I would do some work on yourself to find out the answer to these questions.

[JavaMan]

What questions do you have for us, if any? In starting the thread, were you looking for advice, seeking support, or just sharing?

Mainly just sharing - and venting a bit.

 

I have found that sometimes in sharing/venting about something in a forum, there can also be some comments that get me thinking. Like the next one down from yours, angel.eyes ...

 

Yes, I am trying to figure out why I'm choosing women that either have anger management issues, or some other issue with men in their lives. I am thinking that they don't really view it as important issues in their lives because it's something that a man has done. And the issue is simply the reaction to it.

 

I know in some cases, it is completely justified (in other words, the guy was a complete idiot, and did indeed do something that hurt, belittled, or otherwise was just not good. But then, sadly, somehow it is projected onto me, and I am "that guy" in her mind.

 

Again, that's not to say I'm perfect ... I work hard not to do hurtful things and be supportive, but I know I have my own set of foibles.

 

I guess, if I am ever going to get back into a close relationship, am going to need to pay attention to the warning signs more closely.

 

But first, I need to get through this ending.

[JavaMan]

JaveaMan,

I'm not sure whether you want advice or are just venting.

 

 

However, my 6 penneth is this; Why do you choose women that seem to have anger management problems? Is there a problem with the way you communicate/approach problem solving?

 

 

I would do some work on yourself to find out the answer to these questions.

I agree, Arieswoman. I don't THINK it's how I communicate or approach problem solving. I believe I communicate very well. Problem solving is a lot of what I do for work, although not on an inter-personal level, so I think I'm fairly good at it. I'll have to think on this tho.

 

As for working on myself ... that's a given. Last time I went through this, I did some work on me, and I think through this marriage, I've regressed. And that in itself might be part of why things seem to fail. I tend to compromise in a relationship - sometimes to the point of giving away parts of "me" that actually are important parts of who I am as a person.

 

I'm not sure I'm being clear on that, but if not, ask and I will try to clarify.

[JavaMan]

Nothing. No communication. It's like compete radio silence from her end. Not even a txt to see if I'm ok, or an email. Not even to remind me of a bill I need to pay.

 

It is as if she is relieved.

 

Well, I'm relieved, too, I guess.

 

For all the protesting that she did about how she loves me, wants to make it work, is willing to work with me (to fix what she perceives are my issues), she isn't willing to pursue, even in the slightest.

 

Ah well.

[Cablebandit]

I'd say go get a bottle of lube and let the masturbation marathon begin! Divorce is bad but a bad marriage is worse.