I've just decided to end it; I'm shaky at best

[lemondrop21]

So I did what I thought I had to and told him, now or never, that I can go back to where I was passively waiting for him. I needed real action, and he came with this shocker-

 

He has realized that his son has completely bonded with him more than with his mother and I can't face leaving him when I feel like I am the only parent who is really nurturing his growth. He feels the responsibility outweighs his personal happiness. He also believes his wife never really wanted children.

 

Also... it's interesting that he came to this realization at some point, but only decided to tell you about it when you forced the issue. How long do you think he would have gone on happily future-faking if you didn't push him to make a decision? If he loved you so much, he should have told you he wasn't leaving as soon as he knew, in order to set you free, as painful as it would have been for him. That would be a sign of real love.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hi laurarose, you and I are going through somewhat similar situations right now although my exMM did not future fake me for very long. In the very early stages of the A he said his marriage was already over, then backed away from that and then we didn't talk about the future for months. Two weeks ago he told me that he thinks about a future for us all the time but can't leave because he can't destroy the kids' worlds. So, done.

 

I am struggling with NC as well (or rather, LC for me, as he works with me). During week 1 post-breakup we had three lengthy conversations about why things wouldn't work. It was just this awful waterfall of emotion from both of us and I don't know that it really helped anything. I do believe at some point you just have to cut it off - he's made his decision, so try to respect it, and encourage HIM to respect it too.

 

This MM will probably try and re-set things between you soon. Two days ago was day 14 post-breakup for us, and we had another conversation where he was hinting at wanting to go back to the affair. It was insulting and I'm getting angrier about it by the hour. I feel like, how can he possibly think I'd be happy being the OW indefinitely? I'm supposed to just accept my position in his life for the sake of his poor children? Please. I hope this is how you're starting to feel, too. Tapping into your anger can be very helpful. I know these MM are human and struggling, but please realize that they are also very broken people.

 

Lemon - although it made you angry, it had to make you a bit happy that you got the chance to reject him. I would like that chance! Good for you for being strong. You DO deserve a lot better than to be the OW.

[lemondrop21]

Lemon - although it made you angry, it had to make you a bit happy that you got the chance to reject him. I would like that chance! Good for you for being strong. You DO deserve a lot better than to be the OW.

It did make me a bit happy, for the time being. But I'm still shaky and part of me is afraid I'll cave somewhere down the line, even though I know that I CAN'T unless I want to let go of any shred of dignity I have left.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if you get the chance to reject him in the future, Midnight. As you know from reading these boards, they tend to come back after a time... your MM is just taking awhile because he confessed so he has to put up a good show of working on his marriage before he mentally gives up and checks out again. That would be my guess anyway. In the meantime you have the opportunity to get strong, work on your relationship with your husband, and get ready to have the last laugh .

[MidnightBlue1980]

It did make me a bit happy, for the time being. But I'm still shaky and part of me is afraid I'll cave somewhere down the line, even though I know that I CAN'T unless I want to let go of any shred of dignity I have left.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if you get the chance to reject him in the future, Midnight. As you know from reading these boards, they tend to come back after a time... your MM is just taking awhile because he confessed so he has to put up a good show of working on his marriage before he mentally gives up and checks out again. That would be my guess anyway. In the meantime you have the opportunity to get strong, work on your relationship with your husband, and get ready to have the last laugh .

 

I do hope I get the chance but only if I am really over him. That will take several months. If he does, it will only be for one thing of course.

Don't you give in.

Are you married? Can't remember. Sorry.

[MidnightBlue1980]

It did make me a bit happy, for the time being. But I'm still shaky and part of me is afraid I'll cave somewhere down the line, even though I know that I CAN'T unless I want to let go of any shred of dignity I have left.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if you get the chance to reject him in the future, Midnight. As you know from reading these boards, they tend to come back after a time... your MM is just taking awhile because he confessed so he has to put up a good show of working on his marriage before he mentally gives up and checks out again. That would be my guess anyway. In the meantime you have the opportunity to get strong, work on your relationship with your husband, and get ready to have the last laugh .

 

Lemon, you asked about my H's A. If it makes you feel any better. he told me that he saw her as she drove by him the other week and he told me he was thinking of calling her, to say hi and see how she has been. I said, do you think xMM should call me to say hi and see how I am doing?

 

I said, she is single, don't do that to her. It's wrong. So he didn't. But he wanted to. So men do have feelings too, they just hide it better.

[lemondrop21]

Lemon, you asked about my H's A. If it makes you feel any better. he told me that he saw her as she drove by him the other week and he told me he was thinking of calling her, to say hi and see how she has been. I said, do you think xMM should call me to say hi and see how I am doing?

 

I said, she is single, don't do that to her. It's wrong. So he didn't. But he wanted to. So men do have feelings too, they just hide it better.

 

It must be such a confusing situation for you and your husband to work through your affairs together. I give you props for being brave enough to do it, assuming you both truly want to save the marriage. I'm also glad you stopped your husband from feeding OW breadcrumbs. It's good that he's communicating honestly to you about the process of getting over his feelings for OW.

 

No, I'm not married. I had a long-term bf (5 years) when MM and I started things emotionally. We were a few months away from getting engaged. I broke up with him within 2 weeks of MM and I declaring feelings for each other because I couldn't stand the guilt, and because I felt SO attracted to MM that I realized I wasn't in a state to walk down the aisle with bf. I had been hesitant about the relationship for a very long time and I'm fairly certain I would have broken off the engagement even if MM was not in the picture at all. That said I have struggled with feeling like a failure for ending that relationship with someone who loved me dearly. But he did deserve better.

[OWAmy]

@Lemondrop. Same situation with me. I broke up with BF of 10 yrs a few months after I met the MM. It should have been a classic exit affair for me, but it ran on and on. Fortunately my life didn't come to a grinding halt. I would have broken up with the BF any way but it was easy having MM in the figure and the emotional fall out was minimised as a result.

[LimeBlue]

THIS:

 

Is just falling in love. It's the result of all those feel-good chemicals that flood your brain when you meet, get to know, have sex with, and fall in love with someone new. He's not special; it can happen to you again with someone else. Take it from me; I've done it lots of times, and for some reason I always look back and wonder how, lol.

 

This experience came to you for a reason. THAT is fate working. HE is not your fate. Do not confuse the messenger with the message. There is a life lesson to learn here and pain will be your teacher. Your job is to survive through the pain and keep your mind open so that you may learn and grow. IDK how old you are or where (what country) you came from, but I'm glad you have taken this step in reaching out for support and assistance in your journey. Keep coming here, reading, posting, and sharing.

 

I needed this today. So true.

[Lovetoohard]

And I need to add....these children hardly seem to exist when MM decide to embark on affairs, but they become very useful to hide behind when MM don't want to leave their marriages for the OW.

 

At their very core, A's are fueled by cowardly and selfish motives so of course kids or finances are the perfect cover when faced with reality driven questions from a fed up, emotionally drained OW. So when many of us are mourning the end of an A and a dreamy future lost, don't forget that the MM is a broken person - what kind of a human being constantly manipulates reality to meet their self serving needs? Not the kind of person you want as a partner. You should want and deserve someone with a strong inner constitution and one who lives his life in an authentic manner. I still have tough days when I crave the highs from my XMM but I keep reminding myself that he is just a lost, broken man and he will forever be that way and nobody can "fix" him.

Edited January 31, 2016 by Lovetoohard

[MidnightBlue1980]

It must be such a confusing situation for you and your husband to work through your affairs together. I give you props for being brave enough to do it, assuming you both truly want to save the marriage. I'm also glad you stopped your husband from feeding OW breadcrumbs. It's good that he's communicating honestly to you about the process of getting over his feelings for OW.

 

No, I'm not married. I had a long-term bf (5 years) when MM and I started things emotionally. We were a few months away from getting engaged. I broke up with him within 2 weeks of MM and I declaring feelings for each other because I couldn't stand the guilt, and because I felt SO attracted to MM that I realized I wasn't in a state to walk down the aisle with bf. I had been hesitant about the relationship for a very long time and I'm fairly certain I would have broken off the engagement even if MM was not in the picture at all. That said I have struggled with feeling like a failure for ending that relationship with someone who loved me dearly. But he did deserve better.

 

It's good you didn't get married. I also ended an engagement long ago because I had met someone. It's a sign and it's a lot easier to move on when you are single and can just go meet a new guy. Second place is its okay if your marriage is decent but if you are in a bad marriage, its very tough to move on because you have nothing to move on to.

 

Yeah. I was on the fence about the marriage, not because I don't love H but because deep down, I feel like once that line has been crossed, something is gone and cannot be replaced. I was honest about this with H. He sees things differently though and wants to stay together. He does not want me to quit. Since we have little ones, I owe it to them - and to him - to try. I am just trying to move on at this point, and forget.

 

I'll share what I am doing. Rather than thinking about all the reasons why I should not be with him and he's not right for me, I've been thinking about me only and what I need in my life to realize my fullest potential, how to fill my cup myself, reclaiming my personal power, so to speak. I found this awesome guy on youtube who gives these little videos.

[laurarose10]

So here it goes...

 

We met up for a final farewell, full waterworks, walks down memory lane, love etc.. we both said our peace and promised we would remain quiet... that it was the only way... well that lasted until 4 days later, he wrote me that he can't live without me... that knowing I'm living in the same city makes his life impossible... WHY does he need to tell me these things??? Then he asked me if he could stop by and drop something off for me, I said no.. but he did anyways. We spent a few hours together, had a lot of fun, but then it hit me that he totally doesn't respect me and my position and the need to leave it... YES it's on me TOO, I get that.. but I'm seeing him a little differently, like he is ok with hurting me soo much, just so he can satisfy himself and this fantasy world. He told me his wife has been trying to go back, and that she is settling for his lack of attentiveness because she believes everything will smooth itself over in the future.. he also told me that he has thought about how to find the way back because he can't imagine living with the family with a loveless marriage... YET why does he tell me he can't live without me... I just feel so betrayed and I know that sounds terrible coming from the OW but I still do.. he just dropped all our progress and ideas for the near future when I called him on it and asked for a date. I needed to, there were doubts and I was right on. Now we finally have a real separation (first one since my travels home for the holidays) and he will be in Russia for one week. I've asked him not to contact me AT ALL. If he respects his decision to stay... then he needs to allow me to do the same. He clearly doesn't... HELP. this NC is really messing me up.. I know it's the ONLY way, but it hurts more than I ever imagined... we were always too weak to try before, nothing lasted more than a day before. I want to utilize this time apart for some good. Everything is affected- I can't sleep more than a few hours, eating is just awful and my job performance is a struggle to maintain.. I love teaching, and always used humor as a tool to connect the materials with the students, and now I feel like everything is a constant battle and I'm a fake. Please help me see the REAL him. I'm losing my mind with all the glorious aspects of him/us

[Miss Clavel]

So here it goes...

 

We met up for a final farewell, full waterworks, walks down memory lane, love etc.. we both said our peace and promised we would remain quiet... that it was the only way... well that lasted until 4 days later, he wrote me that he can't live without me... that knowing I'm living in the same city makes his life impossible... WHY does he need to tell me these things??? Then he asked me if he could stop by and drop something off for me, I said no.. but he did anyways. We spent a few hours together, had a lot of fun, but then it hit me that he totally doesn't respect me and my position and the need to leave it... YES it's on me TOO, I get that.. but I'm seeing him a little differently, like he is ok with hurting me soo much, just so he can satisfy himself and this fantasy world. He told me his wife has been trying to go back, and that she is settling for his lack of attentiveness because she believes everything will smooth itself over in the future.. he also told me that he has thought about how to find the way back because he can't imagine living with the family with a loveless marriage... YET why does he tell me he can't live without me... I just feel so betrayed and I know that sounds terrible coming from the OW but I still do.. he just dropped all our progress and ideas for the near future when I called him on it and asked for a date. I needed to, there were doubts and I was right on. Now we finally have a real separation (first one since my travels home for the holidays) and he will be in Russia for one week. I've asked him not to contact me AT ALL. If he respects his decision to stay... then he needs to allow me to do the same. He clearly doesn't... HELP. this NC is really messing me up.. I know it's the ONLY way, but it hurts more than I ever imagined... we were always too weak to try before, nothing lasted more than a day before. I want to utilize this time apart for some good. Everything is affected- I can't sleep more than a few hours, eating is just awful and my job performance is a struggle to maintain.. I love teaching, and always used humor as a tool to connect the materials with the students, and now I feel like everything is a constant battle and I'm a fake. Please help me see the REAL him. I'm losing my mind with all the glorious aspects of him/us

but he did anyways. We spent a few hours together, had a lot of fun, but then it hit me that he totally doesn't respect me and my position and the need to leave it..

 

since you both seem to need the last word. here it is:

 

tell him that until the day you see him poast a picture on his FB of him holding his final divorce papers, you don't want to know him.

 

if, after you say, "i don't want to know you" he gets in contact, it means he is a pig.

 

and he's f'ing everyone, in more then one way.

 

good luck

[BuddyX]

Not once has he listened to you. You asked for him to leave his wife he said No. You asked for NC, he showed up on your doorstep.

 

We all know the real reason he can't leave his wife. I'm quoting someone else here;

"What I think most of these MM really fear is that they'll get stuck with close to 50/50 custody. Which means that they'll get stuck with all of the crappy tasks their Ws do, like cooking for the kids, driving the kids around, and basically having to deal with the tantrums and drama, and not just the Kodak Moments. On weekends, heaven forbid."

 

As mentioned before, his kid means nothing to him when he's with you in a total bliss. But once the sh*t hits the fan, he'll respond with the generic "Can't leave my kid".

 

He's a cowards. Run run run