Ex may be comming around... but theres a new guy in the picture - help!

[smile]

Ok so you all know that things with my ex seem to be going back on track. We are taking and communicating , I am giving him space and he is LISTENING to me. But we arent in a relationship, and quite frankly he has never made any mention of wanting to be back together.

 

Last night we hung out actually we hung out all day long. We played with the dog .He cooked dinner for me and his roomate. I helped him clean the place up and we just had fun togther.

 

Lately he has been talking a lot about sweet things we have done for eachother , like as bf/gf. We were talking about pier 39 and he said the only time he had fun there was when he was with me. That day was his bday , when we were still bf/gf, and he was so sick. It was raining but we had tickets for a bike ride through the zoo in SF. I lied and said it was rained out and that i got my $ back. I also said it was only $20 a person so it wasnt a big deal that he was too sick to go. so we hung out at pier 39, since we were already in the city.It was actually $50 a person. SO I spilled the beans on that lie.

 

He then said that the trip he planned the next year for valentines day to the sf zoo was to make up for being sick when I had tried to take him to the zoo. It was just dumb stuff like that we were reminiscing about.

 

Here's the deal. There is this sweet guy who is friends with my roomate. He has shown some interest in me. Do I talk to my ex about where he thinks this is going? Do I hang out with both and see which pans out? Do I ignore this other guy all together bc ultimately I want to be with my ex? Its been almost a year since we officially broke up now and this is the first time any other guys attention has even made me comfortable.

 

I know that I want to be with my ex. But I also know that I cant depend on him wanting me back officially. I dont want to ruin anything.. but I dont want to ignore something that may be something. I have no idea what to do.

 

I want my ex back so bad but we arent together. I would hate if he was with someone else , but really I dont know that about him. Its his life and his right... is it the same with me? I dunno if I am that kind of person...

 

What do I do?

[outdated]

Hey Smile

 

I think you should date the new guy if you like him a bit. It doesn't have to be serious, but your ex doesn't seem to be coming around quickly- and not to play games, but... you with someone else might be the kick in the ass he needs. BUT- always be very honest with new guy and take it slow. Tell him where you stand and see what happens. Your ex may be coming around but dragging his feet because there is no urgency. You're not going anywhere so to speak. He doesn't have to commit because you take the crumbs he offers. I do agree that you have made a lot of progress with him, but I sense in your tone that you're a bit frustrated in that it's been over a year. I don't condone game playing, but in many ways, you have no other choice. You're not getting exactly what you want from your ex, and you're not completely moving on either. I say go out and try to have some fun with the new guy and be less available to your ex. See what happens.

[smile]

sooo dont say anything to my ex? Just kinda be less available? You dont think I should email him a bit about how I want this to work but if he doesnt see it going anywhere then we should be apart ?

 

Do you think he knows that is what I want? Maybe he thinks I am ok with this. Maybe all these things that mean so much to me mean nothing to him. Maybe he doesnt realize what he is doing or even that it is confusing me.

 

I have no real idea what I am doing here... with this situation. I feel like everything is moving fast on its own. I am not sure I like where it is going. I am afraid if I do anything with this guy I will be riddled with guilt. I am afraid if I do nothing with him I will regret it .

 

I dont know. I am so certain that my ex and I could be happy. I mean for the most part we are now. I am afraid of pushing him away , I am afraid of pulling him too close too soon. i have no idea.

[outdated]

You need to take it easy with both guys and see what happens. Be less available to the ex, and hang out without any strings with the new guy. I'm sure your ex knows what you want from him. He's not rushing into it- that's obvious and you can't wait forever for someone to come around.

 

You don't have to jump off a cliff with this new guy. take it slow with him and don't do anything that'll make you feel uncomfortable. Remember you can't cheat on an ex. Send him the email if you think you have to and then just let it be for a while.

[smile]

So I was having a but of trouble deciding what to do here. I did enjoy the attention from this new guy , but it made me feel uncomfortable and sad. It seemed like a good idea and a bad idea all at the same time.

 

Well, it turns out... this other guy has a gf. How lame is that? HE started the flirting and the talking but then he said to his friend "i dont want to cheat on my gf.". My roomate didnt tell me about the gf inititally bc she said her logic was it was good that I was getting that kind of attention from a guy other than an ex and I was ok with it. If it went dangerously into what she calls "the cheating zone" she woulda told me then. She said his gf is a jerk yada yada. But I mean really I wouldnt do that. So its kinda good that it came up he has a gf. Makes my decision a no brainer.

 

Also made me realize how much I do love this guy. And it is wonderful and sucky all at the same time. My bday is comming up and I think what happens then is sort of a statement on what our state is. I dunno maybe that is dumb but he bought me a xmas gift, he called me on valentines day, he called me on easter sunday, he called me on mothers day (i usually went with him to his moms grave that day... he actually hadnt gone on his own for mothers day before we were together). I was also invited to family parties for his brother, his neice's bday and graduation, and his own bday party. It just seems to me that you want certain ppl around you for holidays. Maybe I am nuts.

 

anyway I know this is already long but I kinda wanted to add the first draft of the email i am thinking of sending him......

 

It dawned on me, except for Halloween , election day, and Labor Day you have been here. In one way or an other. And then I got to thinking how different this year was, and how much the same it was.

 

We havent had any HUGE blowout fights... good. When we hang up the phone there are no more silly "i love yous" ..bad. We still talk about things and seem to be comfortable (or at least trying to be) being eachothers emotional support ... good. I am petrified to ask how your weekend or last few days were bc they may involve some great wonderful girl you have been seeing .... bad. We have great sex... good (very very good). When we sit together I cant hold your hand or just lean over and kiss you on the cheeck.... bad. I get invited to family bday parties and no longer feel akward being with them.. very good. Everytime your phone rings I am afraid its some other girl you have been seeing...bad.

 

So, to sum it all up its a tie game. Four for healthy honest relationship , four for fear of the undefined.

 

I like that we dont spend so much time together. Wait let me rephrase that. I dont want you to suddenly call me all the time and feel obligated to be around me. You said before I wouldnt let you be you. I want you to be you. And I like my life, I want to be me.

 

The only thing I want that is different is I want to be able to say I love you. I want to feel comfortable holding your hand and kissing you on the cheeck. I dont want to be afraid to ask how you are or if anything is wrong.

 

Right now I cant change that I love you. I dont know that I ever can. And maybe that is going to piss you off because you dont want to hear/ read that. Because you have already told me what you wanted and what you didnt want. Maybe you dont see how I could be feeling that things may be changing. Maybe my writing this makes you pull back, or push away even more.

I cant be afraid of that anymore.

 

You said the other day we fought and didnt work because I didnt understand you.I cant understand you... you arent a problem with a definite solution. You are not understandable bc you are a being who is constantly changing and in motion. Human beings arent understandable. And if someone thinks they have you figured out it then goes into a natural human defense mechanism to prove them wrong. To do the unthinkable and the unpredictable.

 

I may not understand you but I am willing to listen. I always have been. I dont know what more I can do or say to you. I cant change your mind, i cant make you love me. I just feel deep down inside that you do.

 

When we were together I held you at arms length because I was afraid. I was afraid of being hurt, I was afraid of you realizing what a loser I was, I was afraid of being happy because what then? Well I lost you and I am alive. Turns out you knew what a loser I was all the time..and maybe that was part of my charm. And those moments I let myself be happy are proof to me that despite what I saw in my parents marriage, love and friendship can coexist.

 

When I hold back you force me to let go. That means so much to me. And when I do tell you how I feel it is not met with defensiveness or anger, I appreciate that more than you can ever know. It makes it easier for me to let go and say things I have been bottling up for so long.

 

I trust that you are a good person. I trust that you aren't trying to hurt me or screw me over. I trust that you care about me deeply. But there is no commitment here, so trust isnt the issue when it comes to me being afraid you are with an other girl. So please realize its not the same as before. Its that right now you have no obligations to me. Recently someone told me "you can't cheat on an ex". He was right... it's not cheating.

 

And I was also told that maybe I could look at this as a fresh start.. and not get bogged down in who you are with and who you arent with. Rather do all I can to get you most interested in me. And while that is all fine and dandy the fact of the matter is you arent a new guy I just met. You are someone who I had built a legitimate relationship with, for three years. I am sorry but I dont know how to push that aside and pretend it didnt happen.

 

You and I have been through a lot together, especially this past year. And we are still friends. We don't hold any grudges or constantly make eachother feel guilty for our past actions. And that is one reason why I dont want this to end. I dont want to just walk away because how often does that happen? How much more has to be done or said for us to realize that we accept eachother for who we are completely? We may not always agree or even see the logic in eachothers decisions... but we are willing to push all the crap aside when we need eachother.

 

So in this past year I have come to the conclusion that love isnt about possession or having you on my arm at specific functions. Love is about acceptance and patience. Love is about support and deep caring. It needs honesty and a complete trust to exist. And commitment doesnt mean you cant love and care ..accept or be patient with anyone else... it just means that nobody on earth can threaten or lessen the depth and strength of these feelings between two people.

 

anyway thats the draft. what do you guys think?

[Universe]

It's a good letter and well written, Smile. But if I were you, I'd think really long and hard before sending this. Like - promise yourself not to send it for at least a few days. Give it some time. There's nothing worse than regretting that you sent a letter. And I've found that they're often not necessary. Take a step back and look at what you're really trying to get out of this letter. You're asking him to get back together. This is serious stuff. You don't get that many chances to get this right. Put yourself in his shoes. If you were him reading the letter, how do you think you would respond. I know that it's really easy to send a letter like that in hope of a specific response. But don't delude yourself into thinking that your hoped for response will automatically become reality when he receives it. I'm not trying to scare you. I'm just saying you better be sure you want to send this letter before you send it. You qualify yourself very well. And you make a strong case. But relationships are not won in a court of law or anything like that. This letter is what it is. It's a push. So be careful. You saying to him that you are not satisfied with the situation as it is now. And that's understandable. But I think getting back together has to be a gradual process.

I got really impatient with just being friends with my ex after a while. Eventually, things were getting really flirty and it was starting to become clear that we were still, at the very least, really close friends. But I was still feeling hurt that it wasn't going further. So one night after we'd spent the day together and I was sleeping over, I just started kissing her. She let me kiss her and kissed me back. She said she felt a little weird about it and wondered why I didn't. Things progressed very gradually over the course of the nest 6 weeks. And I still felt hurt and impatient. But when I looked back, I could see that my being patient with her was paying off. But it pays off very slowly. I think when some people break up, the damage is so great that you just cannot rush back into it. In my case, the more patient I was the more I learned about myself and about my ex's true needs. So I've realized that going slow is to every bit as much my benefit as it is hers. In fact, now we're to the point where I think we're even a little further along than I'm ready to be. It's weird. But that's what being honest with yourself means. It means looking at yourself objectively and understanding the difference between what is really good for you and what you think you want. I want us to be as close as we are. But I think that maybe I'm not quite ready for that.

That's the big danger. You can't let yourself get so overwhelmed with your feelings that you forget to pay attention to what is really best for you given your current mental state.

I say wait on the letter. You may decide you don't need to send it after you wait a couple days and you'll be glad you waited. Or maybe you'll still feel the need to send it. A couple days isn't going to hurt anything.

 

All that said...

 

In your letter you say...

Rather do all I can to get you most interested in me.

I know what you mean by this as I think all of us on LS do. But I would recommend you not say this to him. This is one of those things that you don't really need to share with him. It's implicit in all your other words and actions. To say it sounds sort of fishy.

And while that is all fine and dandy the fact of the matter is you aren't a new guy I just met. You are someone who I had built a legitimate relationship with, for three years. I am sorry but I don't know how to push that aside and pretend it didn't happen.

I wouldn't say this either. And I think you should think about it a little. It's not as simple as pushing the past aside. You're not forgetting it. You're learning from it. Surely there were some beautiful moments between you in the past that you wouldn't want to forget and shouldn't. But you have to understand that you can't go back to the way things were. And avoiding that can be extremely difficult with the person that you spent years developing a certain dynamic with. It's really really hard not to fall back into old patterns. So you need to look at a future relationship with you ex as something totally new. You have to build up a new dynamic that is fundamentally different from your past dynamic.

Further, he needs to understand that you want to build something new with him and that a conscious effort on his part to do so is required. You can't demand this of him. But explaining to him that you feel this way will be enough to make him see that he needs to do the same.

 

 

Ultimately, only you will know the right thing to do. Just remember to consider the consequences of your actions before you take them. And remember to try to see things from his perspective.

[smile]

OK so you say that I shouldnt send it? I think you may be right. Sometimes I need to write it out to make sense ya know? I guess I should just try to get these things across during our time together. Not by blatantly saying it, but by showing it... am I on the right track here?

 

I dont want the same relationship we had. It was like before we were dumb kids in our first relationship. Now we have grown so much and seem to be dealing with eachother in a very adult way. He is concerned about me and about the way we communicate. He is so concerned that we be honest with eachother and not hold anything back. That amazes me because it was never that way. That was always the one thing I wished he could do.

 

This just dawned on me... do you think he is doing all that to show me he has grown. Kinda like me being nonpossessive he is being compassionate? Do you think that is what this is about? That he can finally be what I needed him to be? I wish

 

This last time I went over and spent the night I kinda did what you are saying. I usually wait for him to initiate anything and this time I just went for it. We laid in bed and instead of being hurt that he wasnt spooning with me (I was lying with his back facing me) I just curled up close and spooned him. He smiled and kinda cuddled into me. Then later I got up to get water and he moved so I could lay where he could cuddle with me.

 

And when we say goodbye his hugs are just so long and sweet. He sort of holds on.. not too tight but just sighs into the hold ya know?

 

Its just the time we spend apart that wigs me out. Because we never did before.. and I know i need to forget that and just go with now.. it just sucks because it seems like forever since we talked and it was really only since tuesday (2 days). I just need to not worry. I know I know.

 

How do you feel about me asking him to go on a trip with me to disneyland. We both have the most fun when we go together... its a 5 hr drive or so but we have great friends who live down the street. We have both mentioned how much we want to go. He also told me that I am the best person to go there with. You think I should just ask... or too much?

 

I just miss him and I guess I am scared. But here I go trying to enjoy the ride. Thanks Universe. You understand where I am comming from and my insecurities and you are so patient. It means a lot. I am so glad things are working with your ex. I would love to be where you are.

[Universe]

I forgot to mention that I wrote a very similar letter to my ex a few months back. I didn't send it and then I found it on my computer a couple weeks ago. I was thanking my lucky stars that i didn't send it. Though my letter was a little less mature than yours and more impatient. But I think it's important to keep those letters as a sort of journal to look back on.

I know what you mean about it being hard to be apart for even just two days. But it's a good thing for both of you. You really need the time to yourself to solidify your identities independent of one another.

This just dawned on me... do you think he is doing all that to show me he has grown. Kinda like me being nonpossessive he is being compassionate? Do you think that is what this is about? That he can finally be what I needed him to be?

I think this is probably the case. He's had a lot of time to think about the relationship. And by now he probably sees where he fell short.

I think inviting him to Disney is a fine idea. Just try to make sure you plan it so to fit well in to both of your schedules. And don't have expectations. If he declines, it's ok to feel disappointed. Just don't feel all rejected.

 

 

On a side note: I dropped my ex and her mother off at the airport this morning. And I got to observe them interacting and having a little fight all morning. And I started to understand some very glaring things about her behavior, positive and negative. Since my break-up, I've been phycho-analyzing myself a lot. I think it's been very healthy. It's sortof become a habit. And now that I'm spending a lot of time with my ex and we're taking it slow, I've found it much easier to psycho-analyze her behavior as well. And I'm really starting to understand things about her that I never did before. I can tell that having these understandings is not only going to help me to love her better, but also to receive her love more effectively. So far, going slow has been nothing but good for me and the relationship.

[smile]

So last night I was watching Somethings Gotta Give and balling my eyes out at the part where Jack Nicholson tells Diane Keaton he doesnt know how to be a bf .. when my phone rings. It was my ex. He called for a VERY dumb reason... a phone question he knew the answer to bc he talked to the phone ppl personally about the issue.

 

Anyway, he talked for a bit. Asked if I was ok.. and told me he was good too. Asked what I was doing.. I said watching tv and when he asked what I lied... why know I am crying to a movie about a breakup? anyhoo so he offered the info that he was doing absolutley nothing. But he didnt ask me to hang out so I didnt offer.

 

Then he said I could call him if I wanted to talk or whatever. If I needed anything just to give him a call. And I thought that was odd.

 

But here is my theory on this... (I know i overanylze but if I do it HERE it wont fester in my brain unchallenged) anyhoo my theory is he was wondering why I didnt call after monday just as I was wondering why HE didnt call. But its a bigger deal to him bc I usually do call.

 

I dunno if he wanted to hang out but dont you think if he did he shoulda asked? I had a good night anyway , didnt stay home or anything. I just wished in the back of my mind that we were together. But we arent TOGETHER so spending some time apart and not seemingly desperate to hang out with him is good right ?

 

I did call today to see if he wanted to hang out. Mostly bc he seemed weird about me needing to talk.. I think he may need to. And it cant happen on a phone it has to be incodental with him. Also I just thought it would be fun. He didnt answer the phone but I left a msg very non pressure.. if you wanna hang out cool if not cool, just let me know. I said we could watch a movie, go swimming, maybe go to the gym, just hang out.

 

I am so in love with him but I am also learning to live without him. I like getting calls from him , I like hanging out with friends without him there. I like having the choice of hanging out with him or a bunch of other ppl. Its so weird tho bc the more I am learning to let go , the more I realize how much I do love him. Kinda like you Universe with your ex and her mom. You can finally stop obsessing about everyword or action and can objectively look at your ex. You know your love is deep and true bc you can see the flaws and things you dont like so much and it doesnt effect the love you have for her. No resentment, no "why cant you be perfect" just a sweet satisfaction that the person you love is completely human, and that is so beautiful.