Think Wife is in Love w Ex

[Marc878]

The one thing this guy needs to be blocked and complete no contact.

 

People like this never seem to go away.

[Neil711]

The one thing this guy needs to be blocked and complete no contact.

 

People like this never seem to go away.

 

Yes, we've had that conversation. She shut him down pretty good, and doesn't think he'll come back. I know he will. Whether it's a month, a year, or 3 years he'll be back. He's blocked on FB and messenger. He has her phone number I believe, but has not contacted her. In fact, when his wife approached him about the letter I sent (have I.mentioned I did that?) he reached out to my wife's mother via FB, told her about the letter, and asked her to tell my wife. I believe he was trying to get me in trouble. My mother in law was incredible. She told him to buzz off and that her son in law was wonderful. She then kept the messages for a month and a half while we worked through this thing then told us about them. I found quite a bit of solace in the fact that he contacted her mom, because that means he wasn't contacting my wife.

 

When he comes back she'll have to make the right choice. She actually did that this time and showed me when he sent her the first messages. She just didn't do a good enough job of shutting it down, he was persistent, we were in a bad place, and things got out of hand.

Edited March 30, 2016 by Neil711

[Marc878]

Personally I'd change her phone number or block his.

 

Cut that sucker completely off as you can. Email too.

 

He's a loser and losers have nothing to lose.

[Clay]

Stalking orders are great in this case. My wife had to use it against her ex. This guy would send hundreds of txt's and emails. He even dropped things off at my house. When we took all of the evidence to court the judge informed him if he violated his order that he would go to jail. Its been 4 years and we haven't heard a peep out of him since.

 

Sure no one really wants to go that far but sometimes no and stop just isn't enough.

 

C

[aliveagain]

Change phone numbers and make sure you tell anyone you give your new numbers to don't give them to anyone else without your approval, specially him. Get a restraining order on him that prevents him from making any contact with your wife or family. He can never be her friend because he is not a friend of the marriage, any contact will be damaging to the survival of your relationship.

[malvern99]

Things are going well. I just stopped by the other day to see what was going on. The wife and I have really reconnected. Before we were together, but not. Now we're back to being a part of each other. Best friends, lovers, and parents to two wonderful children. It's been 101 days. I still think about it, but not as much. She has done everything right and it is clear that A) the time when she thought she was in love with someone else was fleeting B) she figured it out well before I knew and C) just the hope that there was something left for the two of us was enough to keep her from doing something we couldn't recover from despite the fact that this guy would do anything to have her, and clearly loves her to this day.

 

It will take more time before this doesn't bother me, but it is getting better. Things around our house are different now, in all the right ways. We take trips together without the kids. We sleep in the same bed. Instead of coaching baseball I keep the scorebook so we can sit together (our son plays travel baseball so this accounts for a lot more time than you would think). She's decided that getting out of work in time is important and if needed does some stuff at home in the living room so we can hang out.

 

In all, this has made our marriage stronger. Sucks that this had to happen to get there, but you play the cards you're dealt.

 

 

It's good to hear you are doing well Neil. Long may that continue.

[dichotomy]

It's hard to deal in what ifs, but I don't see a scenario where I would have stayed with her. There are some days where she was home late, showed peculiar behavior, and I have no way of knowing for sure she didn't meet him. Her job often keeps her late though, and we work in buildings next to each other, so it's not super easy to go places without taking big chances. One of those days, the one that bothers me most, she posted a "flashback" picture on facebook that night of me and the kids and said it was one of her favorites, and she loved her sweet family. The next night she initiated a "love session" with me, and it was great (we didn't have a lot of those back then). I know the date because she texted me the next morning about what a good time she had. I think she may have been planning to meet him that day and then backed out, and wanted to see if we still had it. She also Google searched how to block someone on facebook the next day. I know she was listening to a song shortly after that when we had a fight that repeats the lyrics "I don't know why I didn't come" over and over. So there are some scary implications, but also a lot of evidence that she made the right choices, albeit conflicted.

 

I know a lot of y'all say to keep talking about it. My fear is that she didn't do anything and continuing to bring it up will drive a wedge between us and/or reverse the incredible progress that we've made. IDK what to do.

 

I know its always hard to confirm all the details isn't it ? and the details often do matter as to whether to stay or go.

 

In my case am 98% sure my wife only had a EA and not a PA (sex) with an ex of hers. I only got one or two emails as evidence and they were not negative or really about me but her feelings for him. I never saw the others, nor did I know what was said on their phone calls, or in person.

 

But ya - even if it was an EA - I suspect knowing all the details in the conversations may (may) have made some difference for me. There are stories here of Cheating spouses saying some God awful stuff about their spouses - either degrading or very personal - to their Affair partners - but most not. Only you can guess if you can't recover the deleted messages. No cheating spouse will EVER recount the exact details of conversations that can't be verified or recovered. So you have to use you best judgement or guess as to what was said ..or done.

 

But I would keep an eye on her for a while

 

best of luck to you.

Edited March 30, 2016 by dichotomy

[BettyDraper]

Yes, we've had that conversation. She shut him down pretty good, and doesn't think he'll come back. I know he will. Whether it's a month, a year, or 3 years he'll be back. He's blocked on FB and messenger. He has her phone number I believe, but has not contacted her. In fact, when his wife approached him about the letter I sent (have I.mentioned I did that?) he reached out to my wife's mother via FB, told her about the letter, and asked her to tell my wife. I believe he was trying to get me in trouble. My mother in law was incredible. She told him to buzz off and that her son in law was wonderful. She then kept the messages for a month and a half while we worked through this thing then told us about them. I found quite a bit of solace in the fact that he contacted her mom, because that means he wasn't contacting my wife.

 

When he comes back she'll have to make the right choice. She actually did that this time and showed me when he sent her the first messages. She just didn't do a good enough job of shutting it down, he was persistent, we were in a bad place, and things got out of hand.

 

This man sounds like an unstable stalker! He can't reach your wife so he contacted your MIL? That's so creepy and disrespectful.

 

I like the restraining order idea. Keep on doing well with your wife!

Edited March 31, 2016 by BettyDraper

[Neil711]

I know its always hard to confirm all the details isn't it ? and the details often do matter as to whether to stay or go.

 

In my case am 98% sure my wife only had a EA and not a PA (sex) with an ex of hers. I only got one or two emails as evidence and they were not negative or really about me but her feelings for him. I never saw the others, nor did I know what was said on their phone calls, or in person.

 

But ya - even if it was an EA - I suspect knowing all the details in the conversations may (may) have made some difference for me. There are stories here of Cheating spouses saying some God awful stuff about their spouses - either degrading or very personal - to their Affair partners - but most not. Only you can guess if you can't recover the deleted messages. No cheating spouse will EVER recount the exact details of conversations that can't be verified or recovered. So you have to use you best judgement or guess as to what was said ..or done.

 

But I would keep an eye on her for a while

 

best of luck to you.

 

Yeah, I still look, but not as much. I have a monthly reminder set to do something nice for her, but it also serves as a reminder to check. So far I haven't needed a reminder for either. She leaves her phone laying around everywhere, so she isn't guarding things. I didn't mention this before, but a little over a month ago I did find an old text to her best friend where she said she was in love with another man, it sucked, and didn't know how much longer she could take it. That was back in October, almost 3 months before I figured it out. Her friend then called her, told her she was an idiot and only in love with her past, wasn't remembering why the two of them never worked, and was forgetting why we did. About a week later my wife took a bunch of pictures of our wedding photos, posted a few to Facebook, etc. That's about the time she figured out he was not the one. From that point on she seemed to contemplate seperating with me, but not for him.

 

My understanding is that she 100% avoided talking about me and our marriage. According to her if he had known how she started to feel he would have shown up at our doorstep.

 

As for restraining orders and what not there is no way. She was an active participant. If he contacts her again she has 2 choices, let me know immediately or lose me forever. I still wonder if I'll ever truly get over this, and I sure as hell won't go through it again. Period, end of story.

 

Did you stay with your wife? How long before it didn't bother you and dominate your thoughts?

Edited March 31, 2016 by Neil711

[dichotomy]

 

Did you stay with your wife?

 

How long before it didn't bother you and dominate your thoughts?

 

 

Yes I stayed.

 

It will always bother me,due to the complex nature of her relationship with her MM and her sexual past... but I would say I get a few days here and there, maybe a week, where I don't think about it.... after 10 years.

[Neil711]

Yes I stayed.

 

It will always bother me,due to the complex nature of her relationship with her MM and her sexual past... but I would say I get a few days here and there, maybe a week, where I don't think about it.... after 10 years.

 

That's a little scary to hear. I'm hoping the fact that my wife "figured it out" before I found out will help me let it go a lot sooner. Not sure I can live like this indefinitely.

[Neil711]

Yes I stayed.

 

It will always bother me,due to the complex nature of her relationship with her MM and her sexual past... but I would say I get a few days here and there, maybe a week, where I don't think about it.... after 10 years.

 

That's a little scary to hear. I'm hoping the fact that my wife "figured it out" before I found out will help me let it go a lot sooner. Not sure I can live like this indefinitely.

[dichotomy]

Imagine loosing a body part or body functioning - from accident or illness. For a while - maybe a year or two or more, your constantly obsessing over it, look at the empty space or handicap, feel sad, hurt, mad, depressed. Maybe you can't do things or feel things - like you used to - now that is gone.

 

As the years go by you kind of just learn to live with it, maybe kinda sorta accept it - but not in a happy way - just in a way of "this is the way things are" and just kind focus on other things in life.

 

That's the way I look at affairs or betrayals and losses in marriage. Particularly in cases where you can't point to any reason on your part why it happened.

[aliveagain]

It will never go away but in time you will learn to live with it, you will never forget what she has done but it wont be in your thoughts all the time. Trust only comes back when you see true remorse and hard work by the wayward spouse to make things up. Making things up is all about making you feel safe, if she can't make you feel safe then don't waste too much time on trying to fix what can't be fixed because unless she is as committed to the marriage as you it will never survive. The hard part is knowing if the conditions are right and she knows she can get away with it she will act on the opportunity. You need to make your boundaries and the consequences for breaking them very clear to her and she needs to know you will follow through on your consequence. You can't move the line when you draw it in the sand. Believe her actions and not her words.

[66Charger]

The only thing you can do, is to do your part in keeping the marriage strong. As you have thoughts of what she did, believe me, she also has thoughts that you might leave. You are both living with the doubt.

 

Hopefully, one day, the both of you will have faith in each other.

[Jersey born raised]

Please clarify did the phone calls take place after D-Day? It dies make a big difference. If they occurred well after your reconciliation then your reconciliation is a false one: buy her a one ticket to Texas and hand it her the afternoon of the flight.

 

If not the two of you have decided to reconcile, be all in. Find a way to be honest and open with each other. The only reconciliations I know of that truly worked all say they have found this honest to be the reason why.

 

Your MC needs to pump this info to you, but also discuss the EA in an open and frank manner. This post by Pixe(?) really hit home for me and who I strive to be:

 

 

Why improve yourself *by Pixe

 

As a side note I always find it very interesting when a person is hammering their ex mate so hard for cheating and refuses to accept any responsibility for anything that might have been wrong in the marriage.

 

My husband's exwife cheated on him and left him for the OM. She was pregnant by OM before the divorce was final. When I met him he admitted he knew he'd done things in the marriage which left it vulnerable to an affair.*

 

He owned his behavior.*

 

He didn't condone her affair but he accepted responsibility for his part in the demise of their marriage. That was something I had to respect. He worked on himself, in therapy, while they were separated and divorcing. When she wouldn't go to MC, he went alone, and I have reaped the benefit from that counseling. *

 

While you can only control yourself, stay or move on you both need to be that guy.

[Jersey born raised]

Have you addressed her body issues, first with yourself internally, then with her? While 95% of the issues with my first everthimg girl/fiancé where mine alone, part of hers where body issues. She was an "A" cup and thought she had a fat butt. Perhaps a little truth about her butt but overall she was slim. But that did not mean anything to me. What did matter was that although she was very high drive, she would always try to hide her body from me as much as posdible.

 

That caused me at some level to feel untrusted and disconnected. Which then lead to me developing issues I handled poorly. They did not include go-go bars, or staring at OW. (I'm 60, we and go go bars and you would only find topless clubs in some big cities.) So which came first for you, the chicken or the egg? IlE. Did you ever cause her to accurately feel you found not attracted?

 

There could also be an underliening issue of "loss of babedom" in her mind. I know woman I was shocked when they shared with me their sense of loss the first time they walked into a mixed gender room and felt like the men did not "see" them. These woman had no interest in running around and honestly I thought they would be relived men would finally see them for who they where and not as a possible sex object?

 

Bring it up in a MC session, it may be a safer environment for both of you to start discussions on many subjects. (the old what if they take it the wrong way brick wall)

 

Be well

Edited April 5, 2016 by Jersey born raised

[Neil711]

Please clarify did the phone calls take place after D-Day? It dies make a big difference. If they occurred well after your reconciliation then your reconciliation is a false one: buy her a one ticket to Texas and hand it her the afternoon of the flight.

 

If not the two of you have decided to reconcile, be all in. Find a way to be honest and open with each other. The only reconciliations I know of that truly worked all say they have found this honest to be the reason why.

 

Your MC needs to pump this info to you, but also discuss the EA in an open and frank manner. This post by Pixe(?) really hit home for me and who I strive to be:

 

 

Why improve yourself *by Pixe

 

As a side note I always find it very interesting when a person is hammering their ex mate so hard for cheating and refuses to accept any responsibility for anything that might have been wrong in the marriage.

 

My husband's exwife cheated on him and left him for the OM. She was pregnant by OM before the divorce was final. When I met him he admitted he knew he'd done things in the marriage which left it vulnerable to an affair.*

 

He owned his behavior.*

 

He didn't condone her affair but he accepted responsibility for his part in the demise of their marriage. That was something I had to respect. He worked on himself, in therapy, while they were separated and divorcing. When she wouldn't go to MC, he went alone, and I have reaped the benefit from that counseling. *

 

While you can only control yourself, stay or move on you both need to be that guy.

 

The calls occurred on 9/19, 10/9, and 12/19. At the time of the last call things had shifted from an EA to friendship. Not just her words. The change can be seen in internet activity, searches, Facebook activity, etc. At that point I believe she was still considering a separation, but because she truly felt like I didn't love her anymore. I certainly loved her, but the attraction and spark was gone. I had stopped putting much effort into the relationship.

 

Since I walked in on the 12/19 call the only contact she's had with him was a very pointed message telling him that he had been a big part of her past, helped shape who she was today, but there was no room for him in her future. She went on to say that she was ashamed that their contact had resulted in her not honoring her husband as she has vowed to do, and that she would spend the rest of her life honoring me. Since that was sebt I don't believe there has been any contact.

[Neil711]

Please clarify did the phone calls take place after D-Day? It dies make a big difference. If they occurred well after your reconciliation then your reconciliation is a false one: buy her a one ticket to Texas and hand it her the afternoon of the flight.

 

If not the two of you have decided to reconcile, be all in. Find a way to be honest and open with each other. The only reconciliations I know of that truly worked all say they have found this honest to be the reason why.

 

Your MC needs to pump this info to you, but also discuss the EA in an open and frank manner. This post by Pixe(?) really hit home for me and who I strive to be:

 

 

Why improve yourself *by Pixe

 

As a side note I always find it very interesting when a person is hammering their ex mate so hard for cheating and refuses to accept any responsibility for anything that might have been wrong in the marriage.

 

My husband's exwife cheated on him and left him for the OM. She was pregnant by OM before the divorce was final. When I met him he admitted he knew he'd done things in the marriage which left it vulnerable to an affair.*

 

He owned his behavior.*

 

He didn't condone her affair but he accepted responsibility for his part in the demise of their marriage. That was something I had to respect. He worked on himself, in therapy, while they were separated and divorcing. When she wouldn't go to MC, he went alone, and I have reaped the benefit from that counseling. *

 

While you can only control yourself, stay or move on you both need to be that guy.

 

I have 100% fixed the things I did to contribute to this. I read men are from mars...I have used my free time to read all sorts of things about relationships, marriage, etc. I quit smoking. Lost 40 pounds, work out 3 times per week, and look better than I have in 12 years, maybe more. We go on dates. I cherish her now. She's made big changes too. She's exercising again, eating healthy, etc. She looks at me different, but that started before I turned stud.

 

Things are well, just my mind is still bithered.

[Honourably honest]

Sounds like you are coming away from the dark clouds. I'd expect quite a few moments of '.......really?', but in essence you look to be on the mend. 40lbs is a massive amount to have lost, so you have definitely turned your lifestyle around.

Keep us posted, but this is one of the nicer outcomes I think.

[Jersey born raised]

Many posters recommend 5 love languages (they have a web site with a lot of free info), his needs - her needs and not just friends. Be careful to own only your issues going forward and hold accountable for her's.

[Neil711]

So things are going well. It's been exactly 4 months.

 

Neither of us have done anything with friends since everything went down, and it's time. She is going to dinner with a coworker tomorrow and they picked a restaurant that's an hour away. I've met the coworker a few times and when they've gone to dinner in the past it's always been in a larger nearby city. This time it's in the opposite direction of the town the "other guy" lived in before being shipped off to Texas, and I've seen nothing to make me think they're still in contact. That said I feel a bit uneasy. She could be using her work email to contact him.

 

I can think of 2 options. 1) I can tell her I'm feeling a little uneasy and ask her to snap a picture of the two of them so I know that's who she was with. I'm not sure how she'll react, but I doubt it will be a positive for our relationship. 2) I can log my work cell into my google account, turn on GPS, and set it to silent. Leave it in her car, and track her whereabouts. I really don't think there is anything to this, but I also don't want it stuck in my head.

 

Thoughts? Other ideas?

[sandylee1]

Go with number 2, if you really must.

 

Or you could share with her that you feel uneasy /having a trigger due to the location. See if she offers to do anything to ease your mind.

[Neil711]

Go with number 2, if you really must.

 

Or you could share with her that you feel uneasy /having a trigger due to the location. See if she offers to do anything to ease your mind.

 

Yeah, I hinted strongly at it by repeating "so you're going to xxxxxxx with xxxxxxx for dinner" several times. The reasoning she's given is fine, and she even asked if I was ok with it. I want us to live a normal life again, so I said yes.

[JS84]

Trust, but verify. I'd go with option 2.