Think Wife is in Love w Ex

[MrBossMan]

I'm going to be as honest as possible, this is worse than everyone here is making it seem. Just giving more attention etc. won't work in the long run because it doesn't address your main problem.

 

Your main problem is that your wife doesn't see you as her only option.

 

Changing your behavior will not be enough. You weren't giving enough attention? She thought you didn't love her anymore? If any of that was valid, then she would come onto you stronger like women in love ALWAYS do. I guy pulls back, they lean in. She went for what she really wants... the one that got away. Stop listening to her words, look at her actions.

 

She might see you as a provider or a helper or a buddy to keep her from getting lonely, but you're not her prize. She didn't spend 5.5 hours on the phone with you when you were away, I bet. That kind of effort can only be produced by deep, DEEP heartfelt need.

 

Doing more will please her for a while, but it will never be enough because you didn't get married to have your egos stroked by each other or to slave for each other. You locked her down because you knew you had to have only her and she gave it away.

 

My honest opinion: Your marriage is now the walking dead.

 

Whether you decide to divorce or not is up to you. If you can live with it never being the same, it's your call. But if you want to be a man who doesn't let others ruin this one life he has, then I'd be thinking about a low-drama exit. But also do what's best for the kids.

[malvern99]

Nah, I'm no angel. Look, at the end of the day I was never the dream husband except on paper. She's a runner, cross country in HS. Good at it too. She trained too hard too fast to do the Cooper River Bridge Run last April. She did it, but ended up injuring her foot and having to wear a boot for a month. So there I was, with a wife that was overweight, wearing a boot, and I felt embarrassed. You see, reality is that I deserted her emotionally when she needed me most. I tried to cover it, but she knew. And it hurt her more than she ever hurt me. I have no problem accepting responsibility for that.

 

She knows what happened was wrong. I'm not dumb, and it's not OK for this to happen again. Perhaps we've both learned something, but time will tell. Either way, I'm excited to go along for the ride.

 

You could have been the sh*ttiest H in the world Neil, and an A (emotional or physical) is never the appropriate response. It is in fact the worst possible solution to whatever her problems with you were. The 2 are not linked. You are absolutely 50% responsible for the state of the M before the A. Your wife though is 100% responsible for the decision to have an A.

 

In my opinion, following the path you are currently on without dealing with the root cause of why your WW did what she did is only rewarding her for having an A. The temptation is to just make the situation go away... to act like it never happened, especially if you think it was not a physical A. However, if you do that, these very same issues will raise their head again in the future. Until that dragon is slayed, it is only hibernating waiting to come back bigger and stronger. It is always better in the long run to nip it in the bud.

 

How satisfied are you that you have the whole truth about the A?

 

At the end of the day though, these decisions are yours alone to make. Strangers on the internets can only provide you with a different perspective you may not have seen. I wish you the best of luck OP.

 

Pro tip... I had an A because my spouse did or didn't do xyz is never the reason people have A's. They have them for a multitude of other reasons, but most commonly because of poor coping mechanisms. Without fixing that, chance are those coping skills will be tested again in the future.

Edited January 30, 2016 by malvern99
Added

[Neil711]

You could have been the sh*ttiest H in the world Neil, and an A (emotional or physical) is never the appropriate response. It is in fact the worst possible solution to whatever her problems with you were. The 2 are not linked. You are absolutely 50% responsible for the state of the M before the A. Your wife though is 100% responsible for the decision to have an A.

 

In my opinion, following the path you are currently on without dealing with the root cause of why your WW did what she did is only rewarding her for having an A. The temptation is to just make the situation go away... to act like it never happened, especially if you think it was not a physical A. However, if you do that, these very same issues will raise their head again in the future. Until that dragon is slayed, it is only hibernating waiting to come back bigger and stronger. It is always better in the long run to nip it in the bud.

 

How satisfied are you that you have the whole truth about the A?

 

At the end of the day though, these decisions are yours alone to make. Strangers on the internets can only provide you with a different perspective you may not have seen. I wish you the best of luck OP.

 

Pro tip... I had an A because my spouse did or didn't do xyz is never the reason people have A's. They have them for a multitude of other reasons, but most commonly because of poor coping mechanisms. Without fixing that, chance are those coping skills will be tested again in the future.

 

Interesting how the opinions on here vary so greatly. So, what constitutes an online affair? Simply talking? For it to be an online affair do they have to talk about sex? Profess love? The marriage counselor didn't seem to think a whole lot of it.

 

I am still struggling with this. It hurts, but at the same time we love each other, have kids, etc. What she did, or at least what i know, wouldn't seem to warrant leaving her. Sometimes I still can't sleep, don't really eat much (which has led to weight loss and I'm looking good). We're going to marriage counseling and hoping it helps with communication. To this point nothing she has told me has been dishonest so far as I can tell.

[sandylee1]

Neil

 

Take what you will from here and don't get bogged down with negative responses.

Your wife didn't cross the line to the point of no return IMO... she didn't give her body up to this Ex and the physical side can be difficult..very difficult to overcome.

 

You're admitting things...you're being honest..it takes a lot of nerve to say your spouse/ their appearance was embarrassing to you. She felt that from you.....and when we look at maslows hierarchy of needs..love and belonging are smack in the middle. She had the basics and was missing the rest.

 

She chose a poor way to cope...but you guys are on the right track with recovery. She thinks you're above her in the looks department...it's a fear she has that you could easily get someone else..especially when she gained weight...it's her insecurity. I tell people who feel this way..that this handsome guy or beautiful woman chose to marry YOU. Perhaps she needs to keep hearing why you chose her above all the other women you could have had.

 

A good marriage needs care and nurturing....from both parties. Stay connected and don't loose that being 'as one'. Have each others backs all the time..no matter what.

[malvern99]

Interesting how the opinions on here vary so greatly. So, what constitutes an online affair? Simply talking? For it to be an online affair do they have to talk about sex? Profess love? The marriage counselor didn't seem to think a whole lot of it.

 

I am still struggling with this. It hurts, but at the same time we love each other, have kids, etc. What she did, or at least what i know, wouldn't seem to warrant leaving her. Sometimes I still can't sleep, don't really eat much (which has led to weight loss and I'm looking good). We're going to marriage counseling and hoping it helps with communication. To this point nothing she has told me has been dishonest so far as I can tell.

 

 

Emotional affairs are tricky beasts, but they can be summed up as a spouse opening themselves up to emotional intimacy with someone other than their husband or wife. This is generally compounded by the cheating spouse shutting themselves off emotionally from the betrayed spouse. That type of emotional closeness should be reserved for your spouse. Do they have to talk about sex, profess love or talk their spouses down? Not necessarily, but if they are left to fester long enough, that tends to be the path they take.

 

Of course you are still struggling with this. You feel like you have been stabbed in the back, but for whatever reason, you are willing to just bottle up the pain and pretend that everything is fine. You have even convinced yourself that you deserve this pain because of how you treated her at some point. That is no way to live. I mean, you don't even seem to know the total depth of the betrayal. That is what would bother me the most. It's hard enough to forgive when you know what you are forgiving. Forgiving the unknown is on another level, because at some point while you process this, your mind will begin to fill in the blanks by itself, and that is torturous.

 

No one here can tell you to leave her or to stay. Only you can decide that because at the end of the day, the consequences are yours. Most people here have been through what you are going through to one degree or another, so they can help you get to where you want to go. You want to R. And that is great. However, even under the best of circumstances where the WS has been 100% honest, is working on figuring out their "whys", is working their tail off to help their BS heal, and both WS and BS are committed to R, R is difficult. It is much harder when the A has been swept under the rug, and everyone just goes through the motions to move on.

[malvern99]

So my wife deleted the messages, but I did find 3 phone conversations totaling 5.5 hours. I found a poem she wrote that says she loves her family, but needs more, and has a secret that she will never share. There were Google searches during the time they were talking translating "love of mynlife" and such into french. There were also Google searches about loving someone that is married, the darker side of love - being in love with someone you can never be with, secret pages, etc. There were searches on military PTSD, which he blames for beating up his wife.

 

In late October the Army shipped him out to Texas because of what happened to his wife. She had made it sound like he'd been there the entire time. I found this out by accident. Looking at our messeges back and forth she became extremely combative during that time and drank abnormally.

 

These two paragraphs are what initially set my alarms of about your story. Did she delete the text messages before or after you talked to her about texting her ex BF? Either way, it looks bad. Why delete them if there is nothing to hide?

 

I keep stressing your need to find out the depth of her betrayal because of that line in the poem you found. That secret would drive me nuts. The google searches are also troubling. Was she putting this much effort into your family?

 

The giant red flag though is where you say your WW made it sound like OM had been physically out of reach because he had been in TX the whole time. Why lie about that? In your position, that alone would lead me to not only asking more pointed questions, but to investigating further. Combine that nugget with her "secret", and I would seriously begin to consider a polygraph. If you do go that route, her reaction when you bring the idea of a polygraph up will tell you a lot of what you need to know.

 

Let me ask you some questions and make some observations if you do not mind.

 

1. Have you at any time been able to see the messages they exchanged? I know they were deleted, but there is software that can recover some of the messages.

2. One of the few things you can take to bank right now is the fact that your wife can lie to you about consequential issues (exhibit A, OM's location during the A). Knowing that, do you believe what she is telling you now?

3. You sound like you are making an effort to rekindle your relationship with your wife. Is she reciprocating this effort, or just enjoying the benefits?

4. Do you think your wife is sorry she was caught, or is she truly remorseful? The difference is being sorry leads to an outward reaction i.e. blaming other people for their choices and actions, while being remorseful leads to a WS to look within themselves and try to understand what it is that allowed them to make such terrible decisions.

5. Has she agreed to go NC with OM for good? You earlier said he contacts her and your WW can't seem to say no to him. How do you plan on monitoring that? Do you have carte blanche access to her phone, social media accts etc?

Edited February 1, 2016 by malvern99

[Neil711]

Thought I would come back and give an update. We have reconnected and things are going pretty well. It's like we're 23 again in a lot of ways. I do know now that there was a time when she thought she was in love with the other guy, but figured it out on her own well before I knew they were talking. She continued speaking to him to a lesser degree afterwards but out of friendship, discussing his many issues. That shows when you look at her Google searches. The "tone" changed from someone that was conflicted back to normal. Unfortunately she wasn't completely straightforward about how she had felt (which was several months before I caught on) so my trust is somewhat shattered. Still, no indication this went further than the internet.

 

Personally, I'm still struggling to let it go. Not sure how to do that. I still spend way too much time worrying about it. I do check her communications and there's no red flags. I just feel this overwhelming need for validation from her. I need to somehow find a way to get it out of my head. She's done everything right as far as winning me back though.

 

On a side note, I figured out how to hear the Google voice recordings and some of the things that were of most concern ended up being nothing. Sometimes google's voice recognition doesn't work exactly right.

[happyman64]

Neil

 

Focus on your marriage, your wife and your life.

 

Be there at the finish line of her next race. Bring the kids.

 

Keep showing her the acts that reflect love and attention for her.

 

It sounds like she will pay it back in spades.

 

And get the OM out of your head. Focus on what is in front of you.

 

Not behind you.

 

HM

[66Charger]

Question. Had she had a physical affair, would you have divorced her?

[understand50]

Thought I would come back and give an update. We have reconnected and things are going pretty well. It's like we're 23 again in a lot of ways. I do know now that there was a time when she thought she was in love with the other guy, but figured it out on her own well before I knew they were talking. She continued speaking to him to a lesser degree afterwards but out of friendship, discussing his many issues. That shows when you look at her Google searches. The "tone" changed from someone that was conflicted back to normal. Unfortunately she wasn't completely straightforward about how she had felt (which was several months before I caught on) so my trust is somewhat shattered. Still, no indication this went further than the internet.

 

Personally, I'm still struggling to let it go. Not sure how to do that. I still spend way too much time worrying about it. I do check her communications and there's no red flags. I just feel this overwhelming need for validation from her. I need to somehow find a way to get it out of my head. She's done everything right as far as winning me back though.

 

On a side note, I figured out how to hear the Google voice recordings and some of the things that were of most concern ended up being nothing. Sometimes google's voice recognition doesn't work exactly right.

 

Neil711,

 

I would suggest you find a way to talk to each other in a controlled way, where the hard questions are asked, but left in the talk. This allows you to reconnect and have fun, but not have nagging thought and ideas left undone.

 

Myself, my wife and I have a mouthy "talk". The rules are we are open a honest to each other, but what ever comes out or needs to worked on stays in the talk. This has done wonders for our communication, and works to slow down resentment, as we both know we will not get blasted at other times. I suggest you give this a try, you are both working at a hard thing. She may have feeling for her EX, but in the dream world. IF everything goes bad, at least I have him. You need to talk this out, and she needs to be open in all communication with him.

 

I wish you luck.

[TX-SC]

I realize thatyiu feel betrayed. It's a natural reaction. The good thing is thatshe came to her senses early and backed off. This can be a learning experience for both of you. She has learned to identify boundaries better and you have learned to put more effort into your marriage. Youreally need to discuss this openly with your wife. Push for more details to find out how this happened. Then, work towards a stronger, better marriage. Make certain that in the future she shuts down any such interaction before it spirals out of control. A good IC would be helpful for her. A good MC would be good for you both to work on your marriage.

[Neil711]

Question. Had she had a physical affair, would you have divorced her?

 

It's hard to deal in what ifs, but I don't see a scenario where I would have stayed with her. There are some days where she was home late, showed peculiar behavior, and I have no way of knowing for sure she didn't meet him. Her job often keeps her late though, and we work in buildings next to each other, so it's not super easy to go places without taking big chances. One of those days, the one that bothers me most, she posted a "flashback" picture on facebook that night of me and the kids and said it was one of her favorites, and she loved her sweet family. The next night she initiated a "love session" with me, and it was great (we didn't have a lot of those back then). I know the date because she texted me the next morning about what a good time she had. I think she may have been planning to meet him that day and then backed out, and wanted to see if we still had it. She also Google searched how to block someone on facebook the next day. I know she was listening to a song shortly after that when we had a fight that repeats the lyrics "I don't know why I didn't come" over and over. So there are some scary implications, but also a lot of evidence that she made the right choices, albeit conflicted.

 

I know a lot of y'all say to keep talking about it. My fear is that she didn't do anything and continuing to bring it up will drive a wedge between us and/or reverse the incredible progress that we've made. IDK what to do.

[Neil711]

I realize thatyiu feel betrayed. It's a natural reaction. The good thing is thatshe came to her senses early and backed off. This can be a learning experience for both of you. She has learned to identify boundaries better and you have learned to put more effort into your marriage. Youreally need to discuss this openly with your wife. Push for more details to find out how this happened. Then, work towards a stronger, better marriage. Make certain that in the future she shuts down any such interaction before it spirals out of control. A good IC would be helpful for her. A good MC would be good for you both to work on your marriage.

 

We did MC. It helped our relationship in general but the counselor spent very little time on this specific situation and concentrated mainly on our interactions with each other. He also described the other guy perfectly, even guessing the circumstances in which this occurred.

 

Funny story. She and I had intertwined lives up until we started dating at 23. Although we were raised hundreds of miles apart we were born in the same hospital 6 weeks apart. I was 3 weeks late, she was 3 weeks early. Her brother and I went to the same college. His fiancé at the time worked with me and was turning 21 a day before me. We had our 21st birthday party together. It was large, about 150 people. My wife was dating her ex at the time, and had only met me once, but knew all about me. I recall being excited when I heard she was coming. She came up to the party, partly because she had always been interested in me. I don't even remember seeing her that night, but she was there. The ex was very controlling and jealous, and drove over an hour to get her from the party because he didn't want her to stay at her brother's. It would be 2.5 years later before we met again and started dating.

 

Evidently he brought it up when they were talking in October. I don't believe he ever made the connection that the party was mine too. Well, when he brought that up my wife says everything came rushing back to her. That she remembered who he really was and who I really was. That's when she figured it out.

 

God works in mysterious ways.

[TX-SC]

It's hard to deal in what ifs, but I don't see a scenario where I would have stayed with her. There are some days where she was home late, showed peculiar behavior, and I have no way of knowing for sure she didn't meet him. Her job often keeps her late though, and we work in buildings next to each other, so it's not super easy to go places without taking big chances. One of those days, the one that bothers me most, she posted a "flashback" picture on facebook that night of me and the kids and said it was one of her favorites, and she loved her sweet family. The next night she initiated a "love session" with me, and it was great (we didn't have a lot of those back then). I know the date because she texted me the next morning about what a good time she had. I think she may have been planning to meet him that day and then backed out, and wanted to see if we still had it. She also Google searched how to block someone on facebook the next day. I know she was listening to a song shortly after that when we had a fight that repeats the lyrics "I don't know why I didn't come" over and over. So there are some scary implications, but also a lot of evidence that she made the right choices, albeit conflicted.

 

I know a lot of y'all say to keep talking about it. My fear is that she didn't do anything and continuing to bring it up will drive a wedge between us and/or reverse the incredible progress that we've made. IDK what to do.

 

Communicating is never a bad thing. She needs to know how close she came to losing you. At the same time, communicate why it hurt you and that you love her so much that the thought of her considering other options just about tears you apart. Lastly, she needs to know that infidelity is a line she can't cross. It has to be a deal breaker for you. You can forgive what she has done, but she came very close to stepping over that line.

 

She needs to tell you everything about their interactions. What did they talk about? Did they meet in person? Was she considering meeting in person or going any farther? If so, why?

[Neil711]

Communicating is never a bad thing. She needs to know how close she came to losing you. At the same time, communicate why it hurt you and that you love her so much that the thought of her considering other options just about tears you apart. Lastly, she needs to know that infidelity is a line she can't cross. It has to be a deal breaker for you. You can forgive what she has done, but she came very close to stepping over that line.

 

She needs to tell you everything about their interactions. What did they talk about? Did they meet in person? Was she considering meeting in person or going any farther? If so, why?

 

I really invaded her privacy, which, in my opinion was warranted. I know every google search she performed, have looked at text and cell records, know what apps she used, looked through her phone at memos, calendar, texts to friends and her mom, etc. I wrote a letter to the dude's wife (seperated) and spoke with her by phone. I believe that since she didn't do anything physical she's thought my actions were a little over the top. At the same time she has accepted them. Assuming I know everything are you sure continuing to talk about it doesn't do more harm than good?

[phillyisfun]

Are all of your questions answered? Not the questions people plant in your head, but YOUR questions.

 

If so, then it is advised NOT to continue to bring up the affair. Period.

[sandylee1]

I think you need to focus on the positive.... sometimes things are tough and rough for a little while in marriage... but the important thing is getting back on track. Being emotionally and physically connected with each other.

 

I recall saying how honest you were in the beginning , by admitting your neglect..... be thankful you have each other and leave that behind you.

[66Charger]

I think you understood how close you came to losing her, at minimum emotionally. I wonder if she understands clearly how close you were to leaving. A lot of us, heard your story and your acceptance of your neglect. Most urged reconciliation and for you to "fix yourself" first and treat her better.

 

No one spoke to her, as what to do to help you, so it appears you did the heavy lifting and remain "unfulfilled". I think it is important to let her know that she didnt get away with anything and came so close to losing it all also. Falling back in love is great, and it is good to have a understanding BS. However, sometimes the gravity of the situation gets overlooked. Perhaps this should be addressed as how to prevent this from ever happenning again.

Her affair and your "almost divorce"

 

She has some work to do. And so do you.

[TX-SC]

There is a thin line between rug sweeping and acceptance. If you feel that this has been fully addressed and you have the answers you need, then back off and work to rebuild your trust in her. She needs to take the lead in that. You obviously love each other very much. She ALMOST made a bad mistake. You can and should forgive her. But you need to know exactly what happened. The last thing you want is her confessing in 5 years that it was a PA. Then it all starts again. She needs to know that you will forgive her, but you need it ALL on the table now. No big discovery in a few months or years.

[Neil711]

Tough questions in here. No, I still have some questions. I don't know that the answers will help, nor do I think bringing it back up will help our relationship. I do believe she has a good idea of how close she came to losing me, and certainly understands that if this happens again I'm done. Like I've told her, she's doing everything right to make up for this. Her only problem is that in the interest of not hurting me more she has avoided telling me the full story about how close we came to being done. I believe she planned on losing weight and leaving once his divorce was final.

[Try]

I know a lot of y'all say to keep talking about it. My fear is that she didn't do anything and continuing to bring it up will drive a wedge between us and/or reverse the incredible progress that we've made.

In talking you need to have her agree to full no contact for life with this guy and any other person that she every dated. No touching base, nothing. You also both need to agree to full transparency which includes access and passwords without complaint. Additionally, you need to both agree that in marriage that, other than when you are going to the bathroom, there is no such thing as privacy with your spouse. The above reduces the opportunity to be led astray.

[Neil711]

In talking you need to have her agree to full no contact for life with this guy and any other person that she every dated. No touching base, nothing. You also both need to agree to full transparency which includes access and passwords without complaint. Additionally, you need to both agree that in marriage that, other than when you are going to the bathroom, there is no such thing as privacy with your spouse. The above reduces the opportunity to be led astray.

 

We have agreed to those things mostly. I have full access to her stuff. She's fine with it. In fact, I had to talk her out of closing her Facebook account down completely. She has access to my phone and could probably figure out my passwords, but I've never given her a reason. She knows that if he contacts her again to hand me the phone. She understands that there are no exceptions to this if she wants to stay married to me. Period.

 

Last night she dug in the closet and pulled out her old journal from 1997-2000. She showed me the things she wrote about me during our first few years. She pointed out a particular entry where we had broken up (lasted about a day). She had a call from the ex. The entry said that she talked to him but couldn't listen to a word he said because she was thinking about me. Bottom line, as long as she knows I love her she'll never stray. We had just grown apart and I had somewhat abandoned her emotionally. At the end of the day she had every opportunity to leave, but the hope that our love wasn't dead was stronger than the pull from him, someone that loves her deeply.

 

This process has been hard for me. I decided to take all the data I have collected, copies of conversations, searches, cell records, location records, etc. and put them in a folder for my best friend to keep. I've deleted all the bad stuff off of my phone, email, and computer. Time to stop looking at it and get busy living. My friend will keep it in case I ever need it.

 

Now I have to set a date where this is done for me. What's reasonable? I'm at 77 days since I found out. Maybe 90? Maybe this weekend when I hand over the stuff to my friend?

[66Charger]

Yesterday. ....

[66Charger]

Whats up with you Neil. Why are you posting on LS again.? How's the wife.

[Neil711]

Whats up with you Neil. Why are you posting on LS again.? How's the wife.

 

Things are going well. I just stopped by the other day to see what was going on. The wife and I have really reconnected. Before we were together, but not. Now we're back to being a part of each other. Best friends, lovers, and parents to two wonderful children. It's been 101 days. I still think about it, but not as much. She has done everything right and it is clear that A) the time when she thought she was in love with someone else was fleeting B) she figured it out well before I knew and C) just the hope that there was something left for the two of us was enough to keep her from doing something we couldn't recover from despite the fact that this guy would do anything to have her, and clearly loves her to this day.

 

It will take more time before this doesn't bother me, but it is getting better. Things around our house are different now, in all the right ways. We take trips together without the kids. We sleep in the same bed. Instead of coaching baseball I keep the scorebook so we can sit together (our son plays travel baseball so this accounts for a lot more time than you would think). She's decided that getting out of work in time is important and if needed does some stuff at home in the living room so we can hang out.

 

In all, this has made our marriage stronger. Sucks that this had to happen to get there, but you play the cards you're dealt.