Hi there - it's me. Still alive

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hi, you posted at one point you thought most people would e confused by your marriage. I really wasn't until I read: my husband is like me, he falls in deep.

What I don't get is you both need love and attention (I am tracking) but our sex is great (huh)? Great sex is built on intiminacy. Intiminacy is built on mutual love and attention. You and your husband seem to have neither for each other?

 

Did the two of you or one of you love and gave attention to? Your past posts you indicate the answer is no, but one of the side effects of adultery is re-witimg martial history. Could it be the stress of day to day life of balancing jobs, kids, household maintenance caused one of you to begin to detach. The detachment caused the other spouse to begin to with hold love and attention out of frustion and stupid passive-aggressive behavior. Not unlike a child screaming I hate you or holding their beath in attempt to get their way.

 

I can tell you the day, time, and location that I began to give up on my marriage. And yes it did begin to show in a lack of affection. At that point as a result I stopped asking for or trying to initiating sex. I cut of my noise to spite my face. If she wanted sex she better ask for it because screw it, she could go without so could I. So we both drifted into a quiet pissing contest. So we entered a six year sexless marriage that resulted in her adultery. We never fought and insitded to be a thoughtful and considerate husband. To the outside world we look liked a settled middle age couple that were content.

 

I am sharing my store because if she had just sat next to me and cuddled once, if she just whispered in my ear "let's go tp bed a little early" our lives would have been much different. Somebody needs to lead and your here posting so your up.

 

To clarify one point before I close from your "how to trust again" your husband had a need for a romantic and emotional connection with long walks and phone calls, and he found it with OW, and did have in addition a light physical relationship. You on the other hand had an intense physical relationship with texts profession a deep love. But at the same time you still had great sex wit your husband?

 

You need to start by looking at yourself. Your first marriage you choose a man who beat you and you became a WW. You respond by marrying a KISA. In time you sought out out a another man who in hindsight saw and used you like an object, like your first husband. Do you see a pattern? Was and is the sex with your husband really that great in your opinion? What would do you think his opinion would be? Are you sure about his. On my DDay my exWW was shocked to discover I had been unhappy for 6 years and was wishing she would ask for a divorce and I found never considered our sex life to more then good and usually average and actually a little rote.

 

Do you think his OW got the relationship you wanted with him, and your OM got the relationship he wanted with you? I think he is shut down in a passive nice guy mode. If you want more you will need to push and pursue him.

 

Don't doubt for a second he still has a lot of love for you. Who left you to rot in the hotel room and who spent the night worried and looking for you?

 

Be well you both deserve a great marriage with each other.

 

Well, OW did not get what she wanted, she wanted my H to leave me and to date her. OM was happy in our relationship. It rounded out his life. He is in a sexless marriage (confirmed by his W to my husband) but for their own reasons, they are both staying in it, so I made him happy. I gave him the love and affection he did not receive at home. However, I got more bad than good out of it and I am glad it is over. 100% I know OM is waiting there to see if there is another shot as now he is back in his world, and it's worse as now he knows what he is missing. Or, and this is probably the case, he has moved on to see who else bites. I have no doubt he will find someone else. I don't understand him honestly but it's his life. And no, he didn't care about me. Looking back, I feel like I was mentally ill. Today I deleted all these emails I had written xMM after it ended, I could see my pain and his responses were lukewarm. xMM's feelings are not relevant to my life anymore. I was like, why am I keeping all this crap? Delete.

 

As for my marriage, well, I think you can have good sex without intimacy, but that may be just me. I was surprised to realize you are a man and said statement, but hey, its great to see a man say that. Sometimes sex is just sex. Off topic but we had gotten into a radical change of diet and exercise and the result was we both lost a bunch of weight and were supercharged sexually. Testosterone coursed through my body. We each felt really powerful and I guess it went to our heads as we attracted a lot of attention from the opposite sex.

 

But I did tell my H in the months prior to my A that I was lonely, I did not feel married and a bunch of other things. At that time, he was growing interested in OW and brushed me off, telling me to go spend time with male friends if it made me happy. Every time I saw xMM, H knew where I was. He was just really wrapped up in his own midlife crisis - 10 years as a SAHD with kids, no career, loss of identity and along comes this woman who was young, looked up to him and he felt like a man. I have a FT job and a business and work all the time, it was what worked for 10 years. It's very classic really. H says now that we both had a midlife crisis at the same time.

 

Today things are different. H now works with me in my business, took some classes to get up to speed, and I am hoping to eventually do only our business. We spend a lot more time together. I have to work so it was the best way to accomplish various goals at the same time - give H a purpose, spend time together and stop myself from burning out.

 

Thank you for sharing your story Jersey. Are you still married?

[Jersey born raised]

Hi to clarify my point was it seem your husband gave his OW what you needed and you gave the your OM what your husband needed. I wonder if you had built up a resentment towards him for being a SAHD and he picked up on it and stared to detach.

 

A point to consider: I have read the stats say if a husband commits adultery the odds of a successful reconcilation is around 30% if the woman commits adultery the odds drop to 15%.

 

I have often wonder why. I have come to think it is the nature of intercourse, which is where my thoughts on intimacy derive. From my point of view it is about a willingness to open herself up physical and emotionally by desiring me to literay enter into her. And that can be an amazing feeling that she wanted me in her. (for me that's when real lust begins, I want her, all of her, I want to caress every inch of her inside and out, I want to know her - enough of that rant.) In short it provides a great moment of validation. So that is a first time emtionlal response, that actually is aiways present going into the future. Now add to both the reality of and the pledge of fidelity, well now you are just cooking with gass. You chose to give this validation away (regardless of the reason), now add the fact for most of my life a women will have a much easier time finding a partner for a one off or even a NSA, the insecurity in the husband grows. Then throw in the question of parterniy, even in case of recent adultery with grown children, all hell breaks loose. Believe me the thought this wasn't the first time for you entered his mind.

 

As to what caused me to think along these lines? I was sixteen gong on my first real hot date. As I was leaving a 20 year bud pulled me aside and asked if I was insane? I was clueless, and he pointed at my hands. I was still clueless so he pointed put my very long and dirty finger nails. Still clueless he said: dude she is going to take one look at your fingers and think to herself "no way is he putting those things in me. I rather eat dog shyt!" and then she is going to look at the length of those nails and only think about them scratching her, inside and out.

 

In conclusion my first really hot date place a bit later and no women has ever seen on a date or in a bedroom without very short and clean nails. Amazing what a guy will do to get Lucky.

[Jersey born raised]

Oh by the way I have nothing against rutting for rutting sake. It is just I tend to be greedy about somethings - big time.

[Jersey born raised]

Sorry I missed your question for me. No I am divorced for a lot of issues combined with her adultery. When I question your husbands behavior and motives it is from my personal experience. I was furious with her about many things. She could not see the need to change so I began to detach and the detachment accelerated within me. Oddly she never noticed for a long time. 6 years later her adultery occurred. Adultery causes profound changes in a person. In someways I became more aware and guarded in other ways more at ease with my self and open. For example I would have been very uncomfortable sharing my views on intimacy as I did. My response would have been much more factual.

 

My marriage was the second time a woman's adultery blew up my world. A lot of what I posted was what I experienced with my fiancé (and mutual firsts). I never truly experienced that with my wife. In any event there was a grouping incident while my fiancé and I where dating and then cheating when engaged. That is when I woke up and realized if something is an issue for her, it was an issue for me. Yea I was in many ways a dumb 21 year old male. But that didn't justify her actions, it justified dumping me.

 

In conclusion the pain of losing the relationship combined with the cheating caused me to swear I would never be hurt again by bring stupid like that and none of them ever became an issue in a relationship, wether a ONS or a thirteen year marriage again.

 

So what are you going to do never to allow past issues of husband to resurface. What is your husband going to do never the past issues that hurt you from happening again?

[MidnightBlue1980]

Oh by the way I have nothing against rutting for rutting sake. It is just I tend to be greedy about somethings - big time.

 

Rutting...that is a word I don't think I've heard much but I guess we should keep it clean. Keep in mind I was talking about "rutting" with my husband, I can't imagine that would be wrong. Not every time has to be all romantic, feelings, intimacy...in the confines of a committed relationship. Sex can be useful for a lot of things. I would think, no? My H actually told me after the A that women should not believe a word a man says while having sex, that it means more if a man says I love you in a non-sexual context.

 

Yes, as for xMM, I felt a lot of powerful emotions because it was an A. It was only twice in 5 months and that was because I felt terrible after each time. I decided I did not want to do it again. The actual sex was not good and I was left with a bag of emotions while he went off without a care in the world. I decided I did not need to do that to myself. Sleeping with him was a huge mistake as before I did it, I only felt a mild liking for him but once I did it, I was in love with him. I went from a 1 to a 10 in emotions. I only did it because he kept at me about how he had not had sex in 3 years. If I could go back, I never would have done it. But at the time I was lonely and I wanted to keep his attention.

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

So what are you going to do never to allow past issues of husband to resurface. What is your husband going to do never the past issues that hurt you from happening again?

 

My husband blames himself for what I did and has changed a lot, showing me attention and being more connected with me, affectionate, listening. I think it's a stretch for him to take responsibility for what I did but I know his parents blame him for my actions, but in any event, I do like the way he is acting and treating me.

 

As for me, I have established boundaries with men in my life. I know a lot of men and I am clear with them when they express interest, that I am all business and nothing will ever happen. If anyone crosses the line with a text or something, I shoot them down so there is no misunderstanding. I don't flirt or play around with things. That's what happened with xMM.

 

It must be my age, 41, but I get hit on a lot and 99% of the time it does nothing for me but xMM used a different approach. He texted me that he was in love with me for years and then told me a lot of personal issues he was having with his life which his wife did not care about. I was emotionally distant from my husband and a guy who was a friend confessing feelings and reaching out for my help, that is a very powerful combination for a woman to resist. As a man, I expect you know that already. The A didn't start till months later but he planted the seeds. So now I recognize that behavior and can spot it coming a mile away.

 

I'm much wiser now.

[Jersey born raised]

You answer about what you husband is doing for you with increase affection and conversation is exactly what I was looking for. A psycho babble person would say he is directly validation you. Which is what he should do.

 

Your comments about boundries is important and I wonder what he is doing in that vein. However I am not sure what you are doing to directly "validate him".

 

I am guessing his parents have issues with him and his life choices. How do they feel about him being a SAHD ? Times have changed, but still a SAHD is looked at funny. Did you or he ever get the sense others questions his ability? Did you ever get the sense people thinking "poor wife, husband is so useless she has to work and all he can do is hang around the house". Or "don't see what she sees in him, he is a deadweight around her neck, I wonder when she will meant someone and kick him to the curb". If so, in front of your husband, land on them and kick them into next week? Did you tell them your husband was an amazing man ? So if a feeling of worthlessness developed in him over this issue can you see how you telling people they don't anything and don't be stupid would help him?

 

Can you share some issues he has that you can directly address?

[MidnightBlue1980]

You answer about what you husband is doing for you with increase affection and conversation is exactly what I was looking for. A psycho babble person would say he is directly validation you. Which is what he should do.

 

Your comments about boundries is important and I wonder what he is doing in that vein. However I am not sure what you are doing to directly "validate him".

 

I am guessing his parents have issues with him and his life choices. How do they feel about him being a SAHD ? Times have changed, but still a SAHD is looked at funny. Did you or he ever get the sense others questions his ability? Did you ever get the sense people thinking "poor wife, husband is so useless she has to work and all he can do is hang around the house". Or "don't see what she sees in him, he is a deadweight around her neck, I wonder when she will meant someone and kick him to the curb". If so, in front of your husband, land on them and kick them into next week? Did you tell them your husband was an amazing man ? So if a feeling of worthlessness developed in him over this issue can you see how you telling people they don't anything and don't be stupid would help him?

 

Can you share some issues he has that you can directly address?

 

100% - his parents were not a fan of the SAHD thing. That was all him, he wanted to do it. The kids are great but looking back, I am not sure one spouse staying home while the other is out in the world is a great thing for a marriage.

 

Other men - yes, they look down on him, 100%. Even xMM said that he should be supporting me, not the other way around. What I find ironic is that xMM and a lot of other men I know, they chose women nothing like me, many did not go to college, no money sense, etc. and now that its 15 years out, they look at me and say, I should have picked someone like YOU, you should be with me, why can't my wife be like you? I always say, guys like you did not want someone like me, I tried but your kind were always threatened. You did not want an equal, you purposely chose someone not like you so you can't now be angry at your wife because she is not like me. It's not fair to your wife and it's equally not fair for me to want my H to be like you when he never was. I wouldn't say I resent my H but I need help, so I am making him work with me. So far its okay.

 

I admit I at times see the guys I am friends with and think, I do wish H was somewhat more like them, but on the flip side, these guys married these women nothing like me, it is what it is.

 

To answer your question how do I validate him? I admit I don't know what that means. I know what the word validate means but I'm more of a direct person. I like specifics, measurable, obtainable results. He just wants to spend time together and for me to be more affectionate. So I try. I've cut back on work events in the evenings and I'm around more. I'm transparent. My FB is logged in on my computer which he works on, no password on my phone. But I'm not a random person, he knows that. So he is really not worried on a daily basis. He worries about the person 5 years from now that I know now who tells me I love you. He's not worried I am going to go out to a bar and hook up. And I feel the same way about him, hes not random.

 

I do not believe it's practical to assume you are the only person your spouse will be attracted to or have feelings for. There are no soulmates. Love is a choice, a daily action. There are a hundred people out there for everyone. To me, I just want honesty. If he wants to be elsewhere, just tell me. We don't monitor each other. No cages.

 

Can I address some issues he has? Um. With me? The boundaries thing is an issue which I am working on. In general? I'd say he has low self esteem from childhood. Who doesn't though right.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi, some random comments then some questions

 

First rutting. It is from a Nature channel chanel on elephants matting habits. How a bull elepant doesn't eat or sleep the need to mate is the only thing in existence. How they kill and trample over anything because they don't even know anything else but mating. How for a period in time they exist in a blind fury of lust.

 

The difference between rutting and fcking is the difference between a glass of wine and a haif dozen shots of grain alcohol. If a LTR relationship does not include at times both of us with thoses feelings on both of us, for me, it dies.

 

A lot of posters swear by "His Needs-Her Needs and the 5 love languages (which as a web site). Your comments suggest a need to read them.

 

Some thoughts for you:

 

Your two affairs may indicate a habit of using others to escape unhappy situations because of a lack of strength to stand on your own two feet.

 

You only choose to end your affair because he refuse to leave his wife.

Your husband choose to end his despite the OW demand he leave you.

While this is making lemon-aid out of lemons: he validated you by ending his realationship, he got "your due since nothing else is available". Do you see the difference?

 

You said he falls deeply. Have you considered the actions he took, long walks and long conversations, was him giving and her returning in kind is what he needs? That the only reason the relationship progressed was she returned in kind what he gave?

 

If this is so, why didn't he give this to you? Did he early on but over time stopped? Did you ever give him in full messure what his OW gave him?

 

Did you ever consider that in his mind he knows what your OM said about him and you either agreed or let it pass without comment? From early childhood I have never need someone else to stand up for me to justify my actions, but it is important to me. How have you stood up for him and has he every stood up for you?

 

We talked about some comments made about him being a SAHD. What about your choice to be a career women? No comnents about choosing network functions over being home? In short the full range of comments in the Mommy Wars?

 

One final thought. To men who make comments about him being a SAHD. Did you ever shrug and say "perhaps the question should be why you don't have the relationship with your children that he has with ours"! That response is a women in love with her husband. Not to respond thus is a woman with a wonderful male nanny. Is you husband content with a woman who views him as no more then a nanny?