I can't live without her but I can't live with her as well

[MichaelI]

Me and my wife have been married for 12 years now,together for 16.

 

I never expected this from her.One day when I got home from work I walked in on her giving head to another man.He immediately ran out of the apartment,didn't even get dressed.It is safe to say that the situation was quite shocking and tumultuous.At first I remember being shocked and then angry,my anger prevailed,I forcefully lifted up my wife and literally slapped her around-something I'm not proud of.I demanded an explanation.She said that she did it out of boredom and negligence on my part.

 

I have to admit that in recent memory I haven't been the best husband,I've been a better provider than I have been a husband but I don't think that what she did was sound and reasonable,I don't think that was a good way to go about a marital problem at all.To my surprise she claimed to share the same opinion so she started apologizing,literally begging me to forgive her.

 

It's been nearly 2 weeks since that happened and we haven't slept together in the same bed nor have we kissed or done anything physical.Speaking of kisses -how am I supposed to kiss my wife ever again knowing what those lips have been wrapped around.That is the main problem here-I can't get over what happened ,it's scarred me for life,It plays in my head every day,on a loop.

 

A couple of days ago I finally decided to sit her down and talk to her about what happened properly.She told me everything,showed me everything.Apparently she met this person on Ashley Maddison-another detail I can't get over.Anyway,she deactivated her account before my eyes,deleted all of his contacts-phone number etc and begged me again.

 

I think I have already forgiven her but that is not the point.The point is that our bond has been damaged so bad I don't think it can be repaired.Even if I ever trusted her again,which would be very hard to achieve , I would always remember what happened in detail and it would always gross me out.At the same time,I love her so much and can't imagine my life without her.Me and her used to fight a lot,we used to break up many times before we got married which made me realize that even 1 day without her is painful enough.

 

With all of that being said,what should I do?Anyone experienced anything like this?Help pls!

[RySant]

There's nothing painful than catching your spouse in the act.

 

I say, make a time off. You forgiving her that easily will just give her the impression that her dalliance is very easy to forgive. And yes, I don't think I can kiss someone in the lips knowing other body fluids have been there....

 

Think this through, Man. She's sorry because she got caught. Don't let your emotions becloud your better judgement.

[ShatteredLady]

She went on Ashley Madison because she was bored. How long was she on there for? How many men did she talk to & how many did she meet? How many times? How long for?

 

She has to tell you EXACTLY what's been going on. You don't know what you're forgiving & you don't know what you're dealing with (ONS, Sex addiction etc) until you do I wouldn't make any life changing choices. Yet.

[lexylove]

Let's be honest here Michael, you will never trust this woman again and will always wonder what she's doing and f she's doing another 'job' while you're away from her. That is a hell of a life to live (pun intended). She broke the bond and the sanctity of marriage. She broke you guys. Once the trust is gone, the respect is gone, the love is gone. So what's left? She's familiar and you have good memories, but she has some serious issues to work through. Regardless of how bad the marriage may have been or any shortcoming on your end does not justify the fact that she cheated!! That's repulsive behavior and you need to tell her to kick rocks. Done.

[MichaelI]

She went on Ashley Madison because she was bored. How long was she on there for? How many men did she talk to & how many did she meet? How many times? How long for?

 

She has to tell you EXACTLY what's been going on. You don't know what you're forgiving & you don't know what you're dealing with (ONS, Sex addiction etc) until you do I wouldn't make any life changing choices. Yet.

 

She claims she'd been on Ashley Maddison for 4 months and at the beginning used to indulge in sexual banters with people-just that and nothing more.She also claims that was the only man she met but talked to many-doesn't remember how many.This particular man she'd been seeing for nearly 2 months,never had any other sex except for oral is what she claims.I really don't know what I'm dealing with,you're right because I feel like she's not telling me everything.Thank you for your response!

[Babs22]

Michael,

You would get a lot more responses if you posted this on the infidelity thread which is at the top of the Marriage and Life Partnerships. Click on where it says Infidelity. I don't believe what she is telling you about what she has done with this man for 2 months. I seriously doubt all she did was give him blow jobs for 2 months. You saw her in the act, hard to erase that from your mind. I suppose you could try marriage counseling to see if you can come back from this, but it would be difficult. The people who would respond to you on the infidelity thread would have many more suggestions on how you could come back from this and what you should expect from your wife. Sorry this happened to you.

[MichaelI]

Michael,

You would get a lot more responses if you posted this on the infidelity thread which is at the top of the Marriage and Life Partnerships. Click on where it says Infidelity. I don't believe what she is telling you about what she has done with this man for 2 months. I seriously doubt all she did was give him blow jobs for 2 months. You saw her in the act, hard to erase that from your mind. I suppose you could try marriage counseling to see if you can come back from this, but it would be difficult. The people who would respond to you on the infidelity thread would have many more suggestions on how you could come back from this and what you should expect from your wife. Sorry this happened to you.

 

Thanks!I'm about to post it there.I doubt all she did was blew him either... Anyway thanks for your response!

[Popsicle]

It seems to me that how well BH's deal/cope with the "mind movies" is directly correlated to how afraid they are to get a divorce.

[privategal]

ugh, oh man. I would rather if my spouse were going to cheat to have intercourse than a BJ. that is SO intimate. I say you divorce but much down the road be friends. Many Affair partners desperately want to leave but cant find the courage. It seems like if she was going down this path for 4 months that she would have been thinking of and maybe even looking for a partner to escape from you with.

Even the love you say you have for her likely isn't enough to make your marriage happy again because you need all the other missing ingredients like passion, trust, and the wish to be intimate and share emotions. You will never trust her on her phone or laptop and you will always be thinking what you don't know, or if she will do it again, or playing the mind movies of the BJ.

good luck.

Edited January 29, 2016 by privategal

[MichaelI]

First of all,I'd like to thank you for your responses.You guys are wonderful!

 

I'm definitely going to divorce her because thanks to your posts I thought to check her laptop,phone and so on.She indeed deactivated her Ashley Maddison account but that was her plan..like....I asked her to reactivate it and I went through her personal messages.It is true-she's been seeing other men too,even sent them inappropriate pictures and videos and texts.She is a whore.Over the last 4 months she's slept with at least 7 men,most of them if not all have been here at home where she finally admitted to have slept with them in our bed which proves that she indeed did much more than BJs.I'm honestly on the verge of a mental breakdown.The only reason why I didn't kick her out was because as soon as I dug up this useful piece of info I left the apartment and went to my parents' so that I wouldn't be alone through these hard times.I'm having suicidal thoughts but I also have a great family and I think that with their help I'll pull through.Maybe I should've kicked her out because I pay the bills,I'm the provider and Come to think of it she got her AM account using my money.I'm such a loser to be honest.I don't even know if I love her any more.In the beginning of our marriage our sex life was great or so I thought...now all of a sudden...this happens...I don't know why,I don't understand it.I didn't expect this from her-a woman who at first glance doesn't look like a cheater at all.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

Michael - the most important thing (RIGHT NOW) is your sanity.

 

There is an incredible power in the knowledge that there is really only one thing in this world you can own and you can control. That is you, and your responses to the world around you.

 

I would imagine I would be heartbroken and out of my mind just the same as you with your recent discovery, but, at the end of the day - you did not purposely make a decision to do anything wrong - that is ALL on her.

 

Now make a decision to be strong and take control of your life. Divorce is obviously the correct option at this time. . . she made that decision when she decided to sleep with random men from AM.

 

Seek professional therapy, as well as support from family and friends. You will get through this, and the long term outcome will be positive for you. Keep your head up!

[Terrible situation]

Oh my gosh! I don't know how you are even living with such a person! Please have standards and leave this person immediately. The thing about United States is that, men and women put up with too much infidelity. Please dont!

 

We all have the right to a sound and sane state of mind, unadulterated and uncorrupted especially in a marriage. A marriage is a bond that requires commitment. Bored in a marriage, so? There is such a thing called talking with your spouse and working things out. I absolutely detest cheating people. Any set of couple who are married, should get into a marriage for a lifelong commitment and honesty. Loyalty to a person is very important in a marriage.

 

You should not have slapped her. Because abusing her like that will only make you feel guilty, which it seems it has. But, please have a conscience and leave this person. If you think you cannot live without her, then it doesn't mean you love her. It just means you are weak and emotionally dependent on her. Love is a bond that exists with loyalty, trust and commitment - which she has taken away from you for good, by doing what she did. Don't be fooled by your emotional dependency - it is not love. You need to walk out of this marriage. Let your conscience be pure and your standards on commitment and love be respected.