Ex with dating someone else. Feeling... relieved?

[NVO]

My ex is dating someone else. I found out yesterday because a friend told me he saw some pictures. He asked me if I wanted to see them and at first I told him I did not. But after a few minutes I thought to myself: 'Well, let's see how much it will affect me.' Bold move and could have really hurt myself, I know.

 

But this other thing happened to me. I saw the pictures, and I even knew the guy. At first I felt like someone hit me in the stomach and I needed a few minutes to process this. But after a few hours, and especially when I woke up this morning, I felt relieved. Very strange experience. Like somehow a small part of me was holding on to hope without me even knowing. And now that last piece of hope is gone and it makes me feel so much better.

 

I even unblocked her number, and by doing so I lost it because I already deleted her as a contact. I simply did not feel the need to keep her blocked and somehow it was like I was still steering negative emotions towards her by blocking her.

 

I feel kind of stupid too for letting her 'control' my life for months and months. I was really hurt and needed the experience to grow, but now looking back, it's like something told me: 'You were holding on for way too long, without even knowing.' I actually can't find the words to express what I'm feeling because I'm feeling.. nothing?

 

I guess I somehow managed to get close to the indifference stage. Anyone else experienced this?

Edited January 29, 2016 by NVO

[RySant]

It was unrequited love in my end. I was pining for him (yes, it's a him) for like months because I truly fell in love with him. I learned that he already had a boyfriend (my brother told me) and I literally can't sleep for hours. But after that night, I felt relieved. Because, at last for some reason, I had an outside confirmation that there is truly no hope for me to be with him. That I have now the obligation not to interfere or ruin their relationship.

 

So, I guess that's it. By crossing out the what ifs, the possible chance, that her having a new boyfriend gave you the wake up call that your story is truly over.

 

Good luck!

[NVO]

It was unrequited love in my end. I was pining for him (yes, it's a him) for like months because I truly fell in love with him. I learned that he already had a boyfriend (my brother told me) and I literally can't sleep for hours. But after that night, I felt relieved. Because, at last for some reason, I had an outside confirmation that there is truly no hope for me to be with him. That I have now the obligation not to interfere or ruin their relationship.

 

So, I guess that's it. By crossing out the what ifs, the possible chance, that her having a new boyfriend gave you the wake up call that your story is truly over.

 

Good luck!

 

Exactly! And thanks, you too. It's not that I'm sad the hope is gone. I'm actually happy that she will leave me alone from now on.

 

No more 'what if's' and 'should I's'. I just entered the world of not giving a f*** haha.

[RySant]

. I just entered the world of not giving a f*** haha.

 

But be careful on this one. There was a time that I don't give a f** to anything anymore. I didn't believe in true love and all I did was basically doing the physical stuff.

 

My last advise will be to never lose your morals, never cheat, never lie, and and always treat your next girlfriend/wife with respect DESPITE whatever outcome your next relationship will be. You'll find someone better and who will give you the love and attention you want as long as you continue doing the right things.

[NVO]

But be careful on this one. There was a time that I don't give a f** to anything anymore. I didn't believe in true love and all I did was basically doing the physical stuff.

 

My last advise will be to never lose your morals, never cheat, never lie, and and always treat your next girlfriend/wife with respect DESPITE whatever outcome your next relationship will be. You'll find someone better and who will give you the love and attention you want as long as you continue doing the right things.

 

No need for concerns here RySant haha. That was directed to my ex. I will never leave or change the loving and caring person inside of me.

[jonesey0]

Same thing happened to me yesterday.

 

After almost 11 months apart and 6 months no contact, i heard she is dating someone else.

 

A guy 10 years younger than me, and 7 years younger than her. She's 30 btw.

He's still in college.

 

I felt nothing when i heart it. Still feel nothing today.

 

Just confirms my reasoning that she really is a stupid, stupid person, and i want and deserve a lot better.

 

This really puts a end to our story together, 14 long years. That's that.

[NVO]

I was wrong about the 'Now she will leave me alone part', haha.

 

Yesterday she added me on LinkedIn. It was the last social media she could add me on because I only have LI and Facebook. I accepted the request because I don't care anymore. Although I have to admit that whenever her name pops up my heart skips a beat. Some of the nerves that I felt after we broke up just come back, just for a few seconds.

 

But it's a new phase in my life and I'm done with harboring resentment and anger. If it makes her feel good to stay in touch once in a while, I guess I'm fine with that. She'll probably text me within a month.

[NVO]

She'll probably text me within a month.

 

Close, so close. She texted me yesterday. We texted some back and forth. Turns out she isn't happy ("But I will not share that with you") and misses talking to me.

 

Funny how life turns out. I've experienced the worst year of my life after she broke up with me. I was rock bottom. For months. But here I am, getting my career started, feeling happy and now she tells me she is unhappy. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a jackass cheering for her misery. But still, I think the universe wanted to show me that I made a lot of progress and should be proud of myself.

Edited March 16, 2016 by NVO

[smudge21]

Close, so close. She texted me yesterday. We texted some back and forth. Turns out she isn't happy ("But I will not share that with you") and misses talking to me.

 

Funny how life turns out. I've experienced the worst year of my life after she broke up with me. I was rock bottom. For months. But here I am, getting my career started, feeling happy and now she tells me she is unhappy. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a jackass cheering for her misery. But still, I think the universe wanted to show me that I made a lot of progress and should be proud of myself.

 

 

You have the power my friend. That same power you gave her so many moons ago, well it's finally come back round and it's all yours. That power we give someone we love is the power to love us back or walk all over us, and we just sit back and take it. When they leave us, that power stops us from moving on and letting go. We live in hope that they will come running back. It's only after a lot of time and some realisation (like seeing them with someone else) that we finally let go, stop living in the past, stop dreaming and hoping, and then and only then do we get that power back. Now you've got it, she's in touch (no shocks there - someone's not getting their ego fed I guess) and you simply are okay with it. No love, no anger, no hate, just... "meh, whatever". That is true healing, when you no longer feel anything.

 

 

I recall the girl who brought me here 5 years ago. I lived in hope for months after she left and it held me back but then I heard she was engaged - back with the same muppet she'd left repeatedly who was like her permanent doormat. It hurt me but also released me too, as I was no longer living in hope at that point. When I finally saw her months later I was "meh" about it all. Didn't go out of my way to chat to her, didn't ignore her either. Just simply didn't care. Sadly I'm currently in that hope stage again now with someone new and am in the belief that she left because she has met someone else, so part of me is expecting that relationship status social media thing anytime and that hope can be crushed and I can move on, fully.

[NVO]

You have the power my friend. That same power you gave her so many moons ago, well it's finally come back round and it's all yours. That power we give someone we love is the power to love us back or walk all over us, and we just sit back and take it. When they leave us, that power stops us from moving on and letting go. We live in hope that they will come running back. It's only after a lot of time and some realisation (like seeing them with someone else) that we finally let go, stop living in the past, stop dreaming and hoping, and then and only then do we get that power back. Now you've got it, she's in touch (no shocks there - someone's not getting their ego fed I guess) and you simply are okay with it. No love, no anger, no hate, just... "meh, whatever". That is true healing, when you no longer feel anything.

 

Holy crap, you are so dead on! I think I've finally reached the point I was longing for all of these months. When I came to this forum almost a year ago, I thought I would never reach it. But here I am. Feeling the power indeed! Victory.

 

Sadly I'm currently in that hope stage again now with someone new and am in the belief that she left because she has met someone else, so part of me is expecting that relationship status social media thing anytime and that hope can be crushed and I can move on, fully.

 

You will. I mean, if I even managed to get there. The over thinking, over analyzing, over sensitive guy.. I can't even look at the threads I started. It's like it's somebody else. What a whimp hehe.

 

And knowing you already succeeded once, you will make it happen twice.

[smudge21]

It is always strange to look back at someone you used to love so deeply and now see them as nothing to you. You know how you felt, you know you did love them, but now it's like their a stranger to us. I also sadly think that's what holds us back from moving on too, as we often don't want to see them like that. We hold on as we want to keep them in our hearts, as by doing so, means that maybe if they come back, we can start again. We simply don't want to lose them, even thought they've already thrown us away.

 

 

I know I'm currently overthinking everything that happened as I'm still in those early stages, but part of me does wish I had a definite answer as to why she ghosted on me (well, she'd reply back if I got in touch, but hasn't initiated in nearly a month). I just find it is keeping me there, hanging on, when I don't know. Maybe that's her plan - keep me sweet just in case. You often see dumpers like to play the victim card. If she'd have simply told me she'd met someone, I could've at least had that closure. You have that now and it's come at the right time. I would bet you were healed before you saw that picture of her.

[Raina314]

Man, this all makes me wish my ex were dating someone else too. Everyone keeps telling me he's an idiot for leaving and there's no way he won't wake up one day and regret it. While I know they mean well, it does make it feel damn near impossible to fully move on. I wish he would find another girl or move away or decide he was gonna become an astronaut or something. Just knowing that he's still the next town over not doing anything in particular makes it so hard for me to separate him from the man I was with.

[NVO]

It is always strange to look back at someone you used to love so deeply and now see them as nothing to you. You know how you felt, you know you did love them, but now it's like their a stranger to us. I also sadly think that's what holds us back from moving on too, as we often don't want to see them like that. We hold on as we want to keep them in our hearts, as by doing so, means that maybe if they come back, we can start again. We simply don't want to lose them, even thought they've already thrown us away.

 

I was hoping she would come back for a long, long time. Probably even longer than I was willing to admit to myself. I put myself through a lot of pain, for nothing. I developed thinking patterns that I could not break for months. But somehow I managed. She did become a stranger.

 

But I will forever hold a place in my heart for the person she was before she broke up with me. The connection I had with her is something I will never forget. Not the clingy 'OMG, I will never have this kind of connection with anyone else' type of connection (because it wasn't that great). But I guess she was my true first love, although I had other relationships before.

 

I found out that the thing that hurt me the most, was the fact that I was turned down for being me. I was able to be myself in her company in a way I did not experience before. To get dumped for being you, because that's what it felt like, was so harsh. I could not live for myself for the first two months. I was sickened with my behavior. My self-esteem was extremely low, my confidence zero. But my darkest hour is now followed by my finest.

 

I know I'm currently overthinking everything that happened as I'm still in those early stages, but part of me does wish I had a definite answer as to why she ghosted on me (well, she'd reply back if I got in touch, but hasn't initiated in nearly a month). I just find it is keeping me there, hanging on, when I don't know. Maybe that's her plan - keep me sweet just in case. You often see dumpers like to play the victim card. If she'd have simply told me she'd met someone, I could've at least had that closure. You have that now and it's come at the right time. I would bet you were healed before you saw that picture of her.

 

Being ghosted on is something I luckily did not experience. It must be hard to have no answers, and a ton of questions. I feel for you man, I really do.

 

Maybe I was healed before I saw that picture. I think I was pretty close. But like you said, somehow a part of us always wants to hold on. Like some addict.

[NVO]

Man, this all makes me wish my ex were dating someone else too. Everyone keeps telling me he's an idiot for leaving and there's no way he won't wake up one day and regret it. While I know they mean well, it does make it feel damn near impossible to fully move on. I wish he would find another girl or move away or decide he was gonna become an astronaut or something. Just knowing that he's still the next town over not doing anything in particular makes it so hard for me to separate him from the man I was with.

 

I can relate to your story. My ex told me she was going to leave the country at the end of this year (she told me somewhere last summer). I was happy for her, because she always wanted that kind of adventure. But deep down, I was happy for myself too. No more worrying about an accidental bump in and what else. But I highly doubt if she will ever follow through on her plans.

[smudge21]

Man, this all makes me wish my ex were dating someone else too. Everyone keeps telling me he's an idiot for leaving and there's no way he won't wake up one day and regret it. While I know they mean well, it does make it feel damn near impossible to fully move on. I wish he would find another girl or move away or decide he was gonna become an astronaut or something. Just knowing that he's still the next town over not doing anything in particular makes it so hard for me to separate him from the man I was with.

 

 

Tell me about it! Worse feeling you can have when you feel so connected to someone, still have feelings for them, still can remember how good it felt to be with them... and it's all gone.. but they're still there, still around, still available. The fact is though, despite everything we still feel and remember about them, they left us. They made an adult decision to walk away, and therefore would we even want them back? Surely that closure we seek is already there the moment they left, as the person we love would never have done that, so therefore this is no longer the person we love. That person is dead to us. I have never taken someone back, ever. I always feel the trust is gone at that point. It saddens me to now to think how close we were up until a few weeks ago but knowing that those times will never come round again, even if she did contact me. The open-minded, light hearted, innocent connection has been destroyed forever.

[NVO]

It saddens me to now to think how close we were up until a few weeks ago but knowing that those times will never come round again, even if she did contact me. The open-minded, light hearted, innocent connection has been destroyed forever.

Exactly my thoughts!

[Raina314]

Tell me about it! Worse feeling you can have when you feel so connected to someone, still have feelings for them, still can remember how good it felt to be with them... and it's all gone.. but they're still there, still around, still available. The fact is though, despite everything we still feel and remember about them, they left us. They made an adult decision to walk away, and therefore would we even want them back? Surely that closure we seek is already there the moment they left, as the person we love would never have done that, so therefore this is no longer the person we love. That person is dead to us. I have never taken someone back, ever. I always feel the trust is gone at that point. It saddens me to now to think how close we were up until a few weeks ago but knowing that those times will never come round again, even if she did contact me. The open-minded, light hearted, innocent connection has been destroyed forever.

 

Yeah, we even still have the same friends. I have taken someone back before, and it went fairly well for a while so its not something I know I could never do. But your way of thinking is certainly more productive in getting over someone. I guess instead of looking at it as two separate people I tend to think that he just wasn't the person I thought he was, but that hurts too.

 

Its extremely painful to know that connection is gone, yeah, to know that even though he was the one who started it it ultimately wasn't what he wanted and he stopped caring. I'm having a really hard time always thinking about how great and possible the whole thing felt at the beginning. How did we get here?

 

I can relate to your story. My ex told me she was going to leave the country at the end of this year (she told me somewhere last summer). I was happy for her, because she always wanted that kind of adventure. But deep down, I was happy for myself too. No more worrying about an accidental bump in and what else. But I highly doubt if she will ever follow through on her plans.

 

My ex applied to a job in another state but didn't get it. For your sake, I do hope yours manages to go through with those plans. I think our brains are better accepting the logic of "this relationship is physically impossible, they are physically gone" than "they're still around, but their heart isn't."

[stillafool]

Good for you OP, but still block her number. You don't ever need to hear from her again.

[CDJ]

I totally understand what you mean, OP.

 

I found that with the certainty/confirmation I got that my ex had moved on with 'the other guy', the closer I moved towards acceptance and healing. I guess that it's because it's the uncertainty which burns that hole in us; once we get the answers we crave and need then we are able to draw a line under it and start to move on (even if those answers hurt and are initially the things we feared/dreaded the most).

[smudge21]

Its extremely painful to know that connection is gone, yeah, to know that even though he was the one who started it it ultimately wasn't what he wanted and he stopped caring. I'm having a really hard time always thinking about how great and possible the whole thing felt at the beginning. How did we get here?

 

 

That's the hardest part isn't it - one minute everything seems fine, you feel so connected to that person and the biggest thing is you think they feel the same. They show you all the attention and seem to want you as much as you want them... then it ends and they're just gone. You're left wondering what on earth just happened and why. I too am having a hard time going through the same motions and the temptation to reach out, like it was in someway my fault (even though I know I did nothing to warrant this) and if I speak to her then maybe, or at the very least I could ask why... but I know that when someone walks away from us, shows they simply don't care, then there is little to no point in trying to get them back or get closure. Sure they can tell us any number of reasons, even give us some hope they may come back, but as long as we're the ones chasing them, then they simply do not care. I think that's my current thinking - as much as I want to reach out, I can't as it has to be her that does it. She went quiet and ghosted on me. For what reason, only she knows that.

[Raina314]

That's the hardest part isn't it - one minute everything seems fine, you feel so connected to that person and the biggest thing is you think they feel the same. They show you all the attention and seem to want you as much as you want them... then it ends and they're just gone. You're left wondering what on earth just happened and why. I too am having a hard time going through the same motions and the temptation to reach out, like it was in someway my fault (even though I know I did nothing to warrant this) and if I speak to her then maybe, or at the very least I could ask why... but I know that when someone walks away from us, shows they simply don't care, then there is little to no point in trying to get them back or get closure. Sure they can tell us any number of reasons, even give us some hope they may come back, but as long as we're the ones chasing them, then they simply do not care. I think that's my current thinking - as much as I want to reach out, I can't as it has to be her that does it. She went quiet and ghosted on me. For what reason, only she knows that.

 

What helps me the most with this is remembering how I felt when I was the dumper and my ex tried to talk to me. I just had no interest whatsoever. At first I felt really guilty and tried to be a friend, but then I just got annoyed they didn't want to let it go. I stopped feeling anything positive when I thought about what were once tender, warm memories. So whenever I feel absolutely dumbfounded that my ex can look back on our time together and just not care that it's gone, I remember that feeling and it helps me realize that it is possible to just stop caring and there's probably nothing more to it.

 

That said, even when we were together my ex very sporatically responded to my calls/texts so I'm not really tempted to try and reach out since I know I can't expect any answers.

[benB]

got to see my ex with someone else first hand last night. It hurt deeply knowing she could look me in the eyes two weeks after ending things with me and go home with some guy she met 24 hours ago. But I guess I can finally move on now and stop hoping that she will come back. She is gone forever.