How can I fix a sexless marriage

[LadyTB]

My husband and I have been married for 3 years, together for 9. For the most part everything is great. However, the last few months have been so hard. No sex, no intimacy, and now constant bickering. He is manic sometimes even on medication and when he gets that way, he forgets that there are two people in this marriage. I feel like his roommate. If I try to talk about issues or things that upset me, he immediately throws it back in my face and talks about all the things I do wrong. Nothing gets resolved that way.

 

As far as sex goes, it's not that weird for us to go through cycles or droughts. However, he has such little interest that I don't feel like an attractive woman. I feel like I'm dirty for even wanting to have sex with him. That's how he seems to make me feel sometimes. Like sex is always on my mind. It's not, but damnit I do want to make love to my husband sometimes. What's so wrong with that?

 

I don't know where to start on fixing this. Anyone who has been through this, please give me any advice that worked for you! I love my husband and want to get our marriage back on track. I feel like he doesn't think there's anything wrong.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Yep been here and all I can say it that you can only begin to repair your marriage if BOTH of you are committed to it. As long as he's in denial or apathetic about making an effort however difficult or uncomfortable you will NEVER be able fix anything in your marriage least of all your sex life.

 

Couple's counselling would be step one.

 

Good luck.

[JamesM]

you can only begin to repair your marriage if BOTH of you are committed to it.

 

Having been in a sexless or nearly sexless marriage with some short periods of sex, I understand. Having tried pretty much everything, I know your frustration. I understand why asking for sex seems demeaning.

 

For more than ten years, I have worked at this. In fact, I came here because I was searching for answers. I figured that if I could just find that magic pill, solution, book or technique, then I could fix our marriage. And there were times that things were great. But what I learned is that things were only great because my wife decided to work at the problem from her end. When she quit, our marriage became sexless again.

 

I have come to the conclusion as given by Michelle: You cannot by yourself fix it. I add one exception to that. It is possible that you can actually get him motivated to work with you to fix it, but this is not as good as if he realizes what his marriage is lacking.

 

My only suggestion is to work at getting his manic problem solved. This may help you solve the sexlessness too.

[Satu]

He needs to see his doctor.

 

There are many conditions which cause a drop in libido.

 

A very common one is zinc deficiency.

 

*No diagnosis or prescription is being offered here.*

 

He needs to see his doc.

[Mr. Lucky]

He is manic sometimes even on medication and when he gets that way, he forgets that there are two people in this marriage.

 

What medication(s) does he take?

 

Many of them have side effects just as impactful on a relationship as the behaviors they're designed to address...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LadyTB]

We are both on a low dose of Zoloft. I know that can definitely zap the sex life. I just feel like there's much more to it. He is very active and up until a month or two ago, was approaching me for sex. But it's been nothing since.

[carhill]

For guys, three main things cause sudden or drastic libido changes.

 

1. Brain chemistry changes. You've alluded to that part

 

2. Getting sex elsewhere. Unknown.

 

3. No longer loving their partner/spouse. Unknown

 

IMO, I'd work the organic stuff first, since that's quantifiable and health related.

 

I can share, very late in our M, when my love for my exW had completely died and I was celibate, I felt sex with her was 'wrong'. I'd love to put a more descriptive adjective but that's how it felt. Something was 'off' about it and I was reluctant. That's one guy, one M, one brain wiring. Your situation is your situation.

[basil67]

No sex, no intimacy, and now constant bickering. He is manic sometimes even on medication and when he gets that way, he forgets that there are two people in this marriage. I feel like his roommate. If I try to talk about issues or things that upset me, he immediately throws it back in my face and talks about all the things I do wrong. Nothing gets resolved that way.

 

Has his behaviour gotten worse since starting the Zoloft?

 

I'm not trying to diagnose, but this sounds so much like a friend of mine that I would be remiss in not saying something. He has bipolar which was originally diagnosed as depression. He started SSRIs however they had a terrible clash with the bipolar and made him so much worse. It wasn't until he came off the SSRIs and got the correct medication that he improved - and it was a long haul waiting to get the SSRIs out of his body.

 

Not saying your husband is bipolar, but if he has gotten worse on while on Zoloft, get him to a psychiatrist

[dichotomy]

I have been dealing with sexual roller coaster - mostly down wards roller coaster for 10 years. It hurts. However unlike you there were no problems readily apparent in my marriage my wife says she is happy. This is also the case in many low or no sex marriages (no apparent cause). I do think she does suffers from some sexual and love issues however.

 

It appears that with you - this is short term down turn - a month or two? and that he is going though some emotional metal health issues and you two are bickering more?

 

At this point i would simply try to heal your conflict, and help him get stable - even if you were to see a marriage sex therapist (as I have with my wife) that therapist would work first on stabilizing and calming your marriage before talking about sex. Also find someway for you to get some peace during this time, step away form the bickering, get out of the home for a little, find calm and then work with him. A month or two downturn is nothing.

Edited January 30, 2016 by dichotomy

[Stereotypical11]

You could always try surprise sex, cheer yourself up pamper yourself, go underwear shopping and be the wife he first met I'm not saying you're not but marriage can be draining. Spice it up think of things he likes maybe introduce new things toys ect.

Try not to take it to personally but if things don't change maybe seek more professional help.

I hope this helps.

[LadyTB]

As far as the Zoloft goes, it's actually worked very well for his issues. He lost his job two weeks ago due to his boss being a fraud and going to jail, which was a complete surprise for my husband and six other employees. It's understandable that he's slightly manic. I say slightly because without Zoloft, it would be so much worse. He's not invincible like he would be off of it, and isn't taking the crazy chances.

 

Addressing the lack of sex. This isn't something that is new to us. It's a cycle that started a few years into the relationship. Life got so hectic that sex got set aside. However, it's seemed like a constant struggle to make love to my husband. Like I initiate it 95% of the time, and he could care less if we didn't even have it. We did have sex Friday and Saturday, but it was so quick I faked my way through it because I know once he gets there, it's easier to just be done. Then last night he says he wants to do it and can't wait and then didn't come to bed at all.

 

Part of me understands that he is going through something here. But damn it, if we don't find a way to reconnect and make our relationship and love life a priority Im terrified of what would happen.

[mitchell]

Are you just pouncing on him and demanding sex?

 

Men need a lot more non-sexual physical interactions during the day if you want him to have sexual feelings for you later. Just grabbing him and telling him you want sex is not going to work.

 

Try complimenting him through the day. Maybe even help him with chores around the house. Offer to do the dishes after dinner and have him go and take a nice relaxing bath before bed.

 

When you get into bed, don't just hop on him and expect him to be ready for sex. Men like some teasing and foreplay. A nice long, slow BJ might work wonders before you start penetration.

[whichwayisup]

He is manic sometimes even on medication and when he gets that way, he forgets that there are two people in this marriage.

 

You know who he is and has manic moments and maybe the medication is affecting his sex drive too, making it more difficult to connect with you.

 

Don't allow him to make you feel bad. You aren't dirty or oversexed. You're a wife who wants intimacy with her husband and that's normal!

 

Plan an evening out, focus less on sex for a bit and have fun, laugh and get his spirits going again. There are other ways of connecting and maybe that's what he needs right now.

 

Mental illness is a forever thing and as you say, you've had droughts in the past and as marriage goes on you'll continue to have droughts. Just don't let it get in the way and continually make efforts to be together on other levels. Leave love notes, be pro active and keep communicating with him.

[LadyTB]

Unfortunately he won't let me give him a BJ. He says he can't get into them because he feels it's demeaning to me. He is a wonderful and passionate lover, when he feels like it. It's so rare sometimes that I can't handle it. It makes me feel like an ugly unwanted woman. Like my feelings aren't important anymore.

 

Last night I broke down crying about it. He was shocked that I was so unhappy. He claims to be so happy right now with his new job and the old one being over that he feels like everything is right in the world. Yes, everything about HIM is right with the world. Unfortunately he's married, and has a wife that he is forgetting about. I felt like I had gotten through to him last night and even went and spent the night at my Moms to get a break. Fast forward to today and it's right back where we were before. He's only thinking about himself right now.

 

I know it'll pass and I am sorry if it seems like I'm making excuses. I have always been complimenting him, and have left little love notes in his pockets and other places for years. I rub his back, his head, rub his arms nightly as we fall asleep. The reciprocation is rare these days, and he makes me feel bad for asking or just gives it a half ass attempt so I get nothing but frustrated and my feelings hurt. I really can't cope. I am going to look into marriage counseling because I am afraid that without it, we won't be able to fix this. I'll spend the rest of my life allowing him to unknowingly walk all over me, never ever truly seeing the damage it does. I can't let that happen.

[big dog]

One thing nobody on here's seemed to think of is a testosterone deficiency. Testosterone is necessary for libido but also controls several other things such as energy level ( fatigue) and even moodiness. B-12 deficiency can cause fatigue as well as other things. You never said how old he is but testosterone generally begins to drop in men over 40. It can also drop significantly in younger men due to other medical reasons. May not be the issue... but it's at least a possibility.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Unfortunately he won't let me give him a BJ. He says he can't get into them because he feels it's demeaning to me. He is a wonderful and passionate lover, when he feels like it. It's so rare sometimes that I can't handle it. It makes me feel like an ugly unwanted woman. Like my feelings aren't important anymore.

 

Last night I broke down crying about it. He was shocked that I was so unhappy. He claims to be so happy right now with his new job and the old one being over that he feels like everything is right in the world. Yes, everything about HIM is right with the world. Unfortunately he's married, and has a wife that he is forgetting about. I felt like I had gotten through to him last night and even went and spent the night at my Moms to get a break. Fast forward to today and it's right back where we were before. He's only thinking about himself right now.

 

I know it'll pass and I am sorry if it seems like I'm making excuses. I have always been complimenting him, and have left little love notes in his pockets and other places for years. I rub his back, his head, rub his arms nightly as we fall asleep. The reciprocation is rare these days, and he makes me feel bad for asking or just gives it a half ass attempt so I get nothing but frustrated and my feelings hurt. I really can't cope. I am going to look into marriage counseling because I am afraid that without it, we won't be able to fix this. I'll spend the rest of my life allowing him to unknowingly walk all over me, never ever truly seeing the damage it does. I can't let that happen.

 

Reading this sounds so damn familiar it's frightening.

 

Please listen to what I'm saying...it WILL get worse before it gets better. Your resentment WILL continue to snowball to the point where it will become toxic to both your marriage and to your own well being. TRUST ME!

 

I'm glad you're going to seek marriage counselling. That's the least you should be doing but I will warn you; if your husband was anything like mine he will very reluctant about going and may even whine about going. He will likely begin making all sorts of empty promises to avoid going. Remain steadfast.

 

Just remember that counselling doesn't really begin until AFTER you leave the office. It takes effort. There is homework that NEEDS to be done by BOTH partners on your own time and if anyone of you drops the ball at any point, you might as well light your money on fire for all the good therapy will do for you. YOU alone can NOT fix the marriage.

 

If you can swing it, I would recommend individual counselling in addition to marriage counselling. It was a life saver for me during my unhappy marriage and was instrumental in finding the courage and focus and confidence to demand and ultimately live a different, more fulfilling life.

 

At the very least, you need to be prepared that things may not go as you planned or hope for. Doesn't mean your husband doesn't love you but sex is often a barometer for how well a relationship is going. Unless you're BOTH on the same page about that, there will always be problems plaguing your marriage. It's inescapable.

 

Good luck.

[LadyTB]

I do believe he has an issue with low T. I've said it for years, unfortunately he doesn't really see a problem most of the time. If I didn't bring it up, sex would happen probably three times a year and he would be content with that. I'm not content with it. He doesn't see any problem here. I'm losing a piece of myself with each passing day. Being rejected my your own husband over and over again, without him even stopping to see how he's hurting me. I call him out but it's never really fixed the problem.

[LadyTB]

Reading this sounds so damn familiar it's frightening.

 

Please listen to what I'm saying...it WILL get worse before it gets better. Your resentment WILL continue to snowball to the point where it will become toxic to both your marriage and to your own well being. TRUST ME!

 

I'm glad you're going to seek marriage counselling. That's the least you should be doing but I will warn you; if your husband was anything like mine he will very reluctant about going and may even whine about going. He will likely begin making all sorts of empty promises to avoid going. Remain steadfast.

 

Just remember that counselling doesn't really begin until AFTER you leave the office. It takes effort. There is homework that NEEDS to be done by BOTH partners on your own time and if anyone of you drops the ball at any point, you might as well light your money on fire for all the good therapy will do for you. YOU alone can NOT fix the marriage.

 

If you can swing it, I would recommend individual counselling in addition to marriage counselling. It was a life saver for me during my unhappy marriage and was instrumental in finding the courage and focus and confidence to demand and ultimately live a different, more fulfilling life.

 

At the very least, you need to be prepared that things may not go as you planned or hope for. Doesn't mean your husband doesn't love you but sex is often a barometer for how well a relationship is going. Unless you're BOTH on the same page about that, there will always be problems plaguing your marriage. It's inescapable.

 

Good luck.

 

Thank you so much for your response! I know you are right and I have come to the realization that if we can't fix this, that it could mean the end of my marriage. While I take my vows seriously, I can't be the only one working on our issues or even willing to admit we have such serious issues. When we talked a little the other night, both of us were in tears. However, he was upset because he claims he is so happy right now( manic) and can't believe he didn't see how miserable I had become and doesn't see how I can be so upset or hurt. He also jokes sometimes and will say "Ha ha you married me". While I joke about that too, sometimes it feels like he is taking advantage of my commitment to our marriage. Like he thinks that we won't ever get a divorce so he can get away with pretty much anything. (Not cheating or abuse obviously).

 

This kind of rejection is so damning. It makes me hate him sometimes. I never turn him away or reject his advances or anything else for that matter. I bend over backwards to do whatever he needs whenever he needs it. I just feel like he isn't in love with me anymore.

[elaine567]

I just feel like he isn't in love with me anymore.

 

I am sorry but that is something you may need to consider.

He may "love" you but is not sexually attracted to you, or he has built up some resentment perhaps over the "constant bickering".

Whose idea was it to get married after so many years together?

[elaine567]

Sorry to bring this up too, but with manic episodes, risky, reckless sexual behaviours and increased sex drive are common.

Hyper-sexual behaviour is often a warning sign of a manic episode, so is it possible he is getting his needs met elsewhere, hence his lack of interest in you?

[dichotomy]

Besides no sex, how else does he bring love and value to the marriage?

 

What are the upsides and downsides to divorce for you ?

 

 

If you want to take him to therapy try looking at this list, and see if you can find a male therapist. It helped my marriage - a little bit - to find a female to talk with my wife. Man to Man or Gal to Gal I think works in these situations (low sex)

 

https://www.aasect.org/referral-directory