went back to his wife

[among the pines]

Hi Eliza 89. I am sorry you are in this situation. I became involved with a MM for the first time ever a year ago. It started out as an EA and several months later became physical. I cannot begin to describe the heartache it caused me. Not just because of him, but mostly because I fell in love and went against my morals. I broke it off after my conscience became so huge I felt like I was dying. TWo months into NC I am doing much better.

 

I hope you can recognize the likely outcome of this scenario and it's not beneficial to you. You need to take care of yourself. Not only the possibility of an STD, but the emotional trauma and triangulation is extreme. Because both of your MM are cheating I would not trust them as far as I could throw them (as far as they aren't sleeping with their wives or anyone else). You have already slept with both of them, so if they had something you cannot do anything about that now but I would recommend testing.

 

If you wish to continue down this road, I would urge you to use protection in case one of them has a sexual encounter with someone new who passes something along, and most definitely to eliminate the possibly of a pregnancy. If you think things are bad now, just wait until there is an unplanned pregnancy involved. That would create a whole nother world of heartache for you.

 

Unless I have missed it, I do not see any reference to you being in love with either party? I was completely in love with my MM, so it was absolutely heart wrenching to have to break it off when he told me one thing & continually did another. I will never get involved with a MM again (I didn't deliberately set out looking for a MM; we were friends first, not that that is an excuse by any means).

 

I have been in NC for two months and have been doing the hard work to look introspectively to figure out why I attracted this person into my life and made myself available to him when there are so many single men out there. Maybe you need to look inward; seeing a therapist who is neutral might help since you don't feel like you can discuss this with family & friends.

[stillafool]

They don't know about each other. I would never tell them. They both knew about my oh. (The relationship ended 2 months ago).

It didn't really bother me when I had a partner but now I'm single I feel lonely and I feel more guilty about it which is weird.

 

Do any single men hit on you? Why do you feel guilty but added another married man to your list?

[Brandyundercover45]

Just looking to get things off my chest as I feel like I can't tell any of my friends or family.

 

I'm sleeping with two MM.

One I have been seeing for 3 years. The sex is absolutely amazing. But it is all about sex he has never said he will leave his wife for me. I was fine with this but have been falling for him for the last few months. I won't day anything as I know he's only sleeping with me as he doesn't get any from his wife.

 

Then I met another MM about 3 months ago. This turned into an affair right away.we couldn't keep our hands off each other. The sex is not as good but he says he's not happy with his wife and will leave her one day.

This guy is amazing we talk all the time. He's taken me out for food unlike the other guy.this affair is definitely more emotional.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to keep on sleeping with two MM but I can't finish it with any of them.

When mm number 2 stays the night it's amazing but when he goes home I realise how lonely I am ?.

Hi. As what I now know that I am, a serial OW/Cheater, it's not in my DNA to judge other OW and waywards, but this is kind of sad to me. This says something about you that you aren't happy inside that you keep attracting these unavailable men - no judgement here, seriously. I think you should walk away from them both and concentrate on yourself for awhile. Because you seem to be looking to them to give you purpose and happiness and let me tell you, "any man with a nickle can pay a girl's way all the way to nowhere". That means it'll never happen. A man will not make you happy. You have to be content with who you are first, then add him to the mix, but it can't all be about him... if he's up you're up, if he's not around you're down. That's no way to live sister. I hope you find peace, I hope you find joy, and only when you find yourself will you find both of those. Good luck.

[eliza89]

I do love them both that's why it's so hard to break it off with any of them.

Mm1 gives me the physical side and mm2 gives me more of the emotional side. So I know that I can't have it all as what I'm doing is so wrong.

My self esteem is so low I get a thrill from being able to get a mm to sleep with me. And I know they both sleeping with their wives. Mm1 haven't long had a baby I just meant I don't think they are sleeping with anyone else. Well I hope not.

[wanderingxsoulz]

My self esteem is so low I get a thrill from being able to get a mm to sleep with me.

 

You are not alone because that's how I sometimes feel.

[RecentChange]

I am just mind blown over the lack of condom use.

 

In my mind, this is one of the times that protection is absolutely vital.

 

I mean it's already risky behavior, but to push it over the edge to stupid, where now not only are emotions at risk, but physical health.

 

Look, I am no saint, and have had affairs, but geeeeese use protection!!!

[sandylee1]

I do love them both that's why it's so hard to break it off with any of them.

Mm1 gives me the physical side and mm2 gives me more of the emotional side. So I know that I can't have it all as what I'm doing is so wrong.

My self esteem is so low I get a thrill from being able to get a mm to sleep with me. And I know they both sleeping with their wives. Mm1 haven't long had a baby I just meant I don't think they are sleeping with anyone else. Well I hope not.

 

You said earlier he didn't 'get any' from his wife.... so is this the immaculate conception?

Or they have sex once a year and that's when she got pregnant.

 

I think his sex life with his wife is just fine ...but probably doesn't harm him to have a bit of extra variety.

 

It's a shame he hasn't given any thought of the health risks to his wife and new born child from Std's.

 

These are the reasons people cite as affairs really being a dangerous risk and it's not just a bit of fun.... at least not for the person who gets infected and has been faithful.

[eliza89]

You said earlier he didn't 'get any' from his wife.... so is this the immaculate conception?

Or they have sex once a year and that's when she got pregnant.

 

I think his sex life with his wife is just fine ...but probably doesn't harm him to have a bit of extra variety.

 

It's a shame he hasn't given any thought of the health risks to his wife and new born child from Std's.

 

These are the reasons people cite as affairs really being a dangerous risk and it's not just a bit of fun.... at least not for the person who gets infected and has been faithful.

 

Obviously he has sex with his wife. When he said that I took it as he doesn't get enough for his sex drive. I'm under no illusion that they both don't sleep with their wives.

I know I'm clean I've only slept with 3 guys ( my ex and the 2 mm) and I've had a check.

Mm1 knew that I was clean when he started sleeping with me as I had been with my partner around 7 years and he was the only guy I'd been with. I met my ex when I was 16.

[GunslingerRoland]

You have to look at yourself and figure out why you are drawn to these choices.

 

 

Like you've said you're still lonely, these relationships clearly aren't filling your emotional needs. Are they filling your sexual needs? Sure, but why do you choose to have them filled this way? There is never a lack of single men willing to have sexual relations.

 

 

So the question becomes what is drawing you to only unavailable men. Are you scared of intimacy? Is it self destructive? Do you always crave what you can't/shouldn't have?

 

 

IMO understanding the root cause is the most important first step in trying to figure out how to leave these men and replace it with a healthier type of relationship.

[eliza89]

You have to look at yourself and figure out why you are drawn to these choices.

 

 

Like you've said you're still lonely, these relationships clearly aren't filling your emotional needs. Are they filling your sexual needs? Sure, but why do you choose to have them filled this way? There is never a lack of single men willing to have sexual relations.

 

 

So the question becomes what is drawing you to only unavailable men. Are you scared of intimacy? Is it self destructive? Do you always crave what you can't/shouldn't have?

 

 

IMO understanding the root cause is the most important first step in trying to figure out how to leave these men and replace it with a healthier type of

 

I think it's wanting something I can't have. It's like I'm in a competition with their wives and I like to think that they find me more sexually attractive than them.

I get lot's of attention of men. Single and married. But if there was 100 guys in a room with me. 99 were single and 1 was married I would like the married one . I don't know what's wrong with me.

[GunslingerRoland]

I'm not trying to be cruel, but they are both going home to their wives at the end of day. So you're not winning anything. You're just making yourself unavailable to the men who you could really win over and who could really help you with that loneliness.

[whichwayisup]

I think it's wanting something I can't have. It's like I'm in a competition with their wives and I like to think that they find me more sexually attractive than them.

I get lot's of attention of men. Single and married. But if there was 100 guys in a room with me. 99 were single and 1 was married I would like the married one . I don't know what's wrong with me.

 

Either you have a huge ego and think you're better than many women (especially these wives of your MM's) or you're extremely lacking in self esteem and think sexual attention and lust is the most important thing and you want what you can't have. the thing is by doing that you're settling for shi.t on a stick and putting yourself down. You feel you don't deserve any better than being second fiddle to these MM.

 

I hope you get some counseling and fix what's broken inside you so you can live a healthier life and make better choices for yourself.

[dichotomy]

Yes so did my (now wife), when she was between marriages. Same kind of thing as OP one was longer term MM with no hope of anything, the other newer MM was considered more of a possible leave his wife and get with her option.

 

However she told both of them about each other, and her other "dating" habits.

[anika99]

You think it's flattering for a married man to come on to you but you are looking at it wrong. First of all, getting attention from a cheating married man is kind of like scraping the bottom of the barrel. Either the cheating man is happily married and just using you for sex in which case he is not too picky about who he's getting that extra sex with and you weren't picked because you are special but more because you were willing to engage in sex with a married man. Or the cheater is a conflict avoiding, cowardly, flawed man who deals with his emotional and personal problems with the instant gratification of sex and cheating and you are still not special.

 

 

To me it would be much more flattering to be chosen by the eligible bachelor who can have his pick of women rather than being chosen by the cheater whose choices are limited to women who are willing to sleep with a married men. Nothing flattering about getting the attention of a cheater.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Ok, so let's say it's a competition:

 

1.) WIFE - Has sex with hubs, shares a life with him, share assets, provided for, possible family

 

versus

 

2.) YOU - Has sex with married guy

 

If there were any "winners" it would be 1.) Married man 2.) Wife 3.) You

 

You are not winning in this situation, my dear, you are considered a "side piece." Open your eyes and see the truth for what it is. The true "winner" is the married man and honestly, the loser in this sitiuation is...you. The wives are the victims.

 

Scoring a married man is easy. You don't have to be attractive to get one. Only requirement? Willing to sleep with said married man.

 

And please use protection. The fact that you "trust" these unfaithful men is quite mind-boggling.

 

 

I think it's wanting something I can't have. It's like I'm in a competition with their wives and I like to think that they find me more sexually attractive than them.

I get lot's of attention of men. Single and married. But if there was 100 guys in a room with me. 99 were single and 1 was married I would like the married one . I don't know what's wrong with me.

[eliza89]

Ok, so let's say it's a competition:

 

1.) WIFE - Has sex with hubs, shares a life with him, share assets, provided for, possible family

 

versus

 

2.) YOU - Has sex with married guy

 

If there were any "winners" it would be 1.) Married man 2.) Wife 3.) You

 

You are not winning in this situation, my dear, you are considered a "side piece." Open your eyes and see the truth for what it is. The true "winner" is the married man and honestly, the loser in this sitiuation is...you. The wives are the victims.

 

Scoring a married man is easy. You don't have to be attractive to get one. Only requirement? Willing to sleep with said married man.

 

And please use protection. The fact that you "trust" these unfaithful men is quite mind-boggling.

 

 

Thank you. You have just made me realise I'm not winning at all.

[Ms. Faust]

 

Scoring a married man is easy. You don't have to be attractive to get one. Only requirement? Willing to sleep with said married man.

 

 

[

 

This is soooo true. I never had a problem finding a man to sleep with me, especially for NSA sex. Finding a good man was the issue, lol.

 

Sometimes I think women don't know how to be women. As a woman you're more often than not going to get some sort of attention from men, whether it's a glance, stare, or a whistle. For most you just take it in stride and move on. But some feed on that attention and need it, tying their self esteem to the thrill of someone wanting them.

 

I like to think most women know where to draw the line with unwanted attention. It's the ones who tie their self worth to their looks and vagina that have the issues. Not trying to be harsh, as I have been there, done that myself.

Edited January 13, 2016 by Ms. Faust

[stillafool]

I do love them both that's why it's so hard to break it off with any of them.

Mm1 gives me the physical side and mm2 gives me more of the emotional side. So I know that I can't have it all as what I'm doing is so wrong.

My self esteem is so low I get a thrill from being able to get a mm to sleep with me. And I know they both sleeping with their wives. Mm1 haven't long had a baby I just meant I don't think they are sleeping with anyone else. Well I hope not.

 

Sleeping with a MM doesn't raise self esteem it actually lowers it. It really isn't that hard to sleep with a sex deprived MM. What's hard to get is what builds self esteem. Try landing a good looking, single, successful man who has his life together who looked past every woman for you. []

Edited January 13, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Prohibited language while on moderation

[sandylee1]

You think it's flattering for a married man to come on to you but you are looking at it wrong. First of all, getting attention from a cheating married man is kind of like scraping the bottom of the barrel. Either the cheating man is happily married and just using you for sex in which case he is not too picky about who he's getting that extra sex with and you weren't picked because you are special but more because you were willing to engage in sex with a married man. Or the cheater is a conflict avoiding, cowardly, flawed man who deals with his emotional and personal problems with the instant gratification of sex and cheating and you are still not special.

 

 

To me it would be much more flattering to be chosen by the eligible bachelor who can have his pick of women rather than being chosen by the cheater whose choices are limited to women who are willing to sleep with a married men. Nothing flattering about getting the attention of a cheater.

 

Great post Anika.

 

OP - You should read this post over again.

 

Being a hidden secret is no prize and you aren't winning anything. While these guys sleep with you.. they wouldn't really want a wife who has no qualms putting it about .... yes it's their double standard...but remember it's not a game.. it's people's lives here.

[eliza89]

I know what everyone is saying about mm not being choosy with who they pick.

I always thought they were more picky but I was just being stupid.

 

Me and mm2 are going away this weekend together and we going to talk then. He's promised me he will leave his wife next week.

I've told him if he doesn't then we can't carry on.

[Miss Peach]

I highly recommend reading the book Temptations of a Single Girl by Nina Atwood. It's a fictional story that gets a little cheesy at times but one of her 'temptations' is with a married man. I was able to get through it in an afternoon.

 

It has some really good advice about why they are a bad deal (even if he leaves the wife) and some good exercises for getting back your self esteem. Every woman I know in your shoes has told me how much of a mistake it was later when they got into a relationship with a good man.

 

Another good read is Natalie Lue. She has a blog with a lot of free articles. Her articles really got me to see the difference between and available man and an unavailable one.

[eliza89]

I wrote a thread about making having an affair with two mm.

 

Mm2 took me away this weekend and we had the most amazing timem the sex was amazing just everything.

 

We were looking on my phone at something and I accidentally pressed the button where you can see what other apps have been used recently.(don't know what it's called) and he seen I was messaging someone on WhatsApp.

This turned into him admitting that he was messaging another woman up until last Sunday.

I cried he cried. The talk was really emotional.

He said if he met me before his wife then no doubt he would've married me.

He previously said he was going to leave his wife but said now.that he can't due to kids finance etc.

I said I.understand but I don't really. I'm sitting here in tears now that he's gone.

 

What do I do now?

I feel.like if I carry on I might be one of these women that wait for the mm don't date and end up on my own and realised how much of my life I wasted on him.

Or do I go nc on him. I know in the long term that's better but I don't think I'll be able to let go of him.

 

Just another thing. That guy I was messaging, I never met up with him. I've messaged him a few times and he was having a go that I'm not fun.so there was no the in the messaging.

[Popsicle]

Are you married?

 

If you aren't, start and continue to see SINGLE men. Keep doing that until you find one you like.

[eliza89]

No I'm single.

[Tayla]

Can it be possible that you both came face to face with the character flaws of one another? Each being dishonest . Not sure where the tears come from. He is married , chosing to romp in the sack with someone else, while his wife tends to the children. Would you say that makes him a good Dad? Or Husband?

 

Yet this is the chap who has won your heart?

 

or broken it?

 

Dishonesty is a dealbreaker , yet its the very thing that fuels affairs. Think about it.