Fiancé and I argue a lot

[KissKattBar]

My fiancé and I have been together for 8 years, engaged for 3 (waiting until we graduate), and we argue a lot. I guess we always have, for at least a few years. We love each other and we're not going to let arguing stop us from getting married.

 

But does anyone have any advice on how to stop fighting so often? It's usually over little things - miscommunications and inconsequential decisions - but sometimes over big issues too, like his anxiety - he gets ridiculously stressed out, especially with school, but also with fear of not achieving his preferred career. I always support him, but I've become more and more exasperated when he gets stressed out because I've just been repeating myself for years, and the more I say "everything will be fine," the less sincere it sounds.

 

I want to be better for him. I want us to stop arguing as much.

[basil67]

Actually, too much arguing is a very good reason to *not* marry. I'm not saying that you should cancel the wedding, but don't play down the issues.

 

Anyway, some tips:

 

1. Regarding the inconsequential things - don't sweat the small stuff. Sometimes a partner is snippy because they are tired, overwhelmed or hungry - just bite your tongue and let it go.

 

2. His anxiety is tougher. The first question I'd ask is how does his anxiety bring you to the point of major arguments? He's anxious and you support him - how does this end up as a fight?

 

That aside, sometimes 'tough love' is better than support. If his anxiety is getting the better of him too often, he needs to seek professional help. It's not fair that you're always having to reassure him. And let me tell you, it will wear you down eventually till you've got nothing more to give. Tell him that you can't keep supporting him and that he needs to speak with a psychologist instead of putting it all on you.

[whichwayisup]

My fiancé and I have been together for 8 years, engaged for 3 (waiting until we graduate), and we argue a lot. I guess we always have, for at least a few years. We love each other and we're not going to let arguing stop us from getting married.

 

But does anyone have any advice on how to stop fighting so often? It's usually over little things - miscommunications and inconsequential decisions - but sometimes over big issues too, like his anxiety - he gets ridiculously stressed out, especially with school, but also with fear of not achieving his preferred career. I always support him, but I've become more and more exasperated when he gets stressed out because I've just been repeating myself for years, and the more I say "everything will be fine," the less sincere it sounds.

 

I want to be better for him. I want us to stop arguing as much.

 

Much of arguing and bickering is ego related.

 

He can't change how he reacts to stress (aka anxiety) but he can learn how to cope with it in a healthier way. I know that reads weird, but it's true. People are who they are, some deal with stress well and some don't. Counseling can help both of you (couples therapy) so you can learn how to discuss and talk instead of it turning into something petty and arguing. Learn to communicate and really listen to one another, have compassion and kindness for one another and don't let ego (who's right, who's wrong) take over.

[d0nnivain]

Based on your description that you have been together for 8 years & engaged for 3 but are waiting until you graduate to get married, I'm assuming you are high school sweet hearts. While that is lovely, part of your problem & the true underlying cause of your fights could be fear because you are so young. Your BF/FI probably feels a lot of pressure & even on a level he's not totally aware of is worried that his life will be over when he gets married.

 

 

As someone else said, learning to bite your tongue will help.

 

 

More importantly get some good pre-marital counseling especially about communication and conflict resolution.

[carhill]

My fiancé and I have been together for 8 years, engaged for 3 (waiting until we graduate), and we argue a lot. I guess we always have, for at least a few years. We love each other and we're not going to let arguing stop us from getting married.

You've been together longer than some marriages, quite an accomplishment at such a young age. IMO, that speaks for itself.

 

But does anyone have any advice on how to stop fighting so often? It's usually over little things

Clarify, one, what you consider 'little', then compare to what he considers 'little'.

but sometimes over big issues too, like his anxiety - he gets ridiculously stressed out, especially with school, but also with fear of not achieving his preferred career.

Do you ever get stressed out? If so, how do you handle it and how do you present it to your partner? What I want to try to determine is how you quantify 'ridiculous'.

I always support him, but I've become more and more exasperated when he gets stressed out because I've just been repeating myself for years, and the more I say "everything will be fine," the less sincere it sounds.

Can you envision telling him how this constant barrage of communicated stress makes you feel? IOW, sure, show love but also communicate boundaries. If you have, how has that been received?

 

I'll echo the suggestion for PMC, in your case sooner rather than later. Approaching this as a team and accepting the results, currently unknown, will IMO form a healthy foundation for whatever path you and he choose.

 

I want to be better for him. I want us to stop arguing as much.

OK, there's your goal. Seek out the tools to accomplish it.

[Satu]

A word of very well intentioned advice:

 

*Treat harsh speech as if it is the most deadly of all poisons. Do not speak harshly to anyone. Ever. It is poisonous to the soul and the heart, and those words can never be unsaid.

 

There is always a better, kinder, option.

 

Disagreements happen. Conflicts happen.

 

Find peaceful ways of resolving disagreement and conflict.

 

Be respectful even when you're angry.

[KissKattBar]

2. His anxiety is tougher. The first question I'd ask is how does his anxiety bring you to the point of major arguments? He's anxious and you support him - how does this end up as a fight?

 

That aside, sometimes 'tough love' is better than support. If his anxiety is getting the better of him too often, he needs to seek professional help. It's not fair that you're always having to reassure him. And let me tell you, it will wear you down eventually till you've got nothing more to give. Tell him that you can't keep supporting him and that he needs to speak with a psychologist instead of putting it all on you.

 

It creates an argument because of his terrible self esteem when it comes to academics. I don't know why he doesn't know how brilliant he is. But the general argument stems from me not putting up with it when he puts himself down because in my eyes, he's on a pedistol. It kills me to see him so defeated in himself to the point that it makes me angry. I used to be more gentle but it's been years and he still chooses to deflate his self esteem whenever he has difficult homework, or a test the next day.

 

You're right about it wearing me down. I feel like I've gotten harsh because I have no more sympathy left in this specific situation. But I think that's my fault and I want to be more gentle and reassuring like I used to be, I just don't know how anymore.

 

I've told him he needs to at least take anxiety meds and preferably see a psychologist - which I'm pretty sure he can see for free at his college - before we get married. But he's yet to take any steps toward doing so.

[KissKattBar]

Based on your description that you have been together for 8 years & engaged for 3 but are waiting until you graduate to get married, I'm assuming you are high school sweet hearts. While that is lovely, part of your problem & the true underlying cause of your fights could be fear because you are so young. Your BF/FI probably feels a lot of pressure & even on a level he's not totally aware of is worried that his life will be over when he gets married.

 

 

As someone else said, learning to bite your tongue will help.

 

 

More importantly get some good pre-marital counseling especially about communication and conflict resolution.

I appreciate your input but I don't think it's accurate. We live over an hour apart (different colleges) so our petty arguments are generally miscommunications over the phone because we aren't together to interpret body language and all that. We're both constantly saying "I can't wait until we're married" because we miss each other, and we do fight less the longer we're in the same place. Over Christmas break we were together for a month and a half straight, no breaks, and we didn't argue as much.

We're definitely getting pre-marital counseling - my church even requires it.

[KissKattBar]

I quantify his "ridiculous" stress as getting horribly sick due to school related stress. In high school, he had gastritis, caused by stress, and this concerns me the most because my step-grandmother died of gastritis.

 

The little things really are little and I'll work on biting my tongue.

 

I'm sure we've talked before about what his stress does to me, but I don't remember the results. I'll do that again. This semester is only 3 weeks along and he's already predicting his failure in every class - even though he's gotten all A's and B's in college.

[basil67]

I quantify his "ridiculous" stress as getting horribly sick due to school related stress. In high school, he had gastritis, caused by stress, and this concerns me the most because my step-grandmother died of gastritis.

 

I can't believe you just called a significant mental health issue "ridiculous". While you may not understand his feelings, he's clearly got severe problems which need addressing.

 

I'm not suggesting that you need to blindly accept his anxiety, but at least understand that this is a mental health issue and not just him being silly. This is no less ridiculous than any other mental health issue.

 

Tough love is still my suggestion. If you can't live with his anxiety, then make seeking treatment non-negotiable. Even if you have to go to the first appointment with him. "I need you to seek treatment if we are going to stay together" should be your approach...and stand by it. At present, he knows that even if he refuses to address the issue, you will stay around anyway.

[whichwayisup]

I quantify his "ridiculous" stress as getting horribly sick due to school related stress. In high school, he had gastritis, caused by stress, and this concerns me the most because my step-grandmother died of gastritis.

 

The little things really are little and I'll work on biting my tongue.

 

I'm sure we've talked before about what his stress does to me, but I don't remember the results. I'll do that again. This semester is only 3 weeks along and he's already predicting his failure in every class - even though he's gotten all A's and B's in college.

 

Find compassion for his anxiety. Dismissing how he feels is like you saying (if he ever suffered from it) suck it up to someone who has cancer or MS. Mental health issues ARE real, it's not his fault, he can't help it let alone control his physical symptoms.

[KissKattBar]

Sorry, misunderstanding. By "ridiculous" I don't mean silly, I mean extreme. Like, "that test was ridiculously hard" - it's just my word, I guess. So when I say he gets ridiculously stressed, I mean he gets really really really stressed.

 

And I really don't think it's a mental health thing because he's not like this all the time - just whenever he is in school. It's really just terrible self confidence.

[Miss Peach]

I think in your situation marriage counseling might be really helpful to learn how to better communicate.

 

If you are a DIYer, I think Gottman's books might be a good read. They discuss what types of arguments hurt the relationship and which types really don't matter. It's based on a lot of research and he's know to accurately predict who stays together based on how they argue.

[PieceTablo]

I think everyone can relate to wanting to be there for your SO, but not knowing what to say/do to make it better. For me, I have been pretty much been going for the default "everything will be fine." If you feel that's not enough then I would tell him to seek help, or for you to find a different way to help him yourself.

 

If that doesn't help, and you feel like you can't live with it well then it might be time to find someone who can deal with stress.

[Zapbasket]

The truth about fighting is that even if you're still able to say, "I love you" to each other after years of it, and enjoy each other's company when you're not fighting...constant fighting erodes relationships. You simply won't last the distance if you break out into fights all the time. So, if you're both really serious about marrying each other, then you need to sit down and agree a) that the fighting has to stop and b) that you are going to do x, y, z steps to ensure it stops. One of those steps must include couples counseling if you are to have a chance of overcoming this issue.

 

You have to take this very seriously. Fighting on a regular basis is NOT okay. Yes, you say, but my fiancé is only stressed like this when he's in school--but life presents a lot of "school-like" situations as you go along and if he has feelings of inadequacy he hasn't dealt with, then he's going to get stressed every time he's called upon to "perform," whether it be job, parenting, social, etc. He needs to get a grip and learn to manage his stress better, and if he has such anxiety about his abilities then he needs individual counseling to get to the root of WHY.

 

You, given you can only control yourself and not him, have to do some soul-searching to find out whether you could deal with this, your relationship dynamic as it stands right now, for an entire lifetime. "Deal with it" means you feel you are able to let his stress wash off you and truly not bother you. Ask yourself, if you can't manage this now, how you will manage in the future when more of your relationship is eroded by the fighting while greater stressors are placed on you as a couple as well as individually?

 

I don't believe couples who find themselves fighting a lot should just throw in the towel...but it cannot become a "norm" in your relationship. You either find a way together to nip this in the bud or you part ways...or it will be inevitable that after grinding on miserably for years of near constant fighting, you will get a divorce.

[KissKattBar]

GreenCove, you've definitely given me the best response - thank you!

An update - it's possible I exaggerated just how much we fight. It's not constant, just consistent. We mostly have fun together.

My fiancé may have just experienced his first ever panic attack and has FINALLY agreed to see a therapist on his own. We're definitely going to do couples counseling - not only is it required by my church before we get married, but it's something we just want to do for our relationship.

 

Lastly, I think I just discovered the reason his stress makes me so upset/mad. If anyone else said the things about my fiancé that he says about himself when he's stressed (and expressing low self-esteem), I would be mad at that person for their unkind words. So it makes sense to me that I'd also be mad at him for saying such negative things about himself when I see him as Superman. I intend to tell him this revelation this weekend so we can try to find a way to help me not do that. Any further advice is still welcome.

[whichwayisup]

You just need to show him love and compassion, not anger. Many people who suffer from anxiety have negative thoughts and self talk abuse themselves. (I think I just made up a phrase there!)

 

If you have never suffered from a panic attack and anxiety, suffered from mild depression, then you won't "get" what he's feeling and going through. Read up on this and learn how to be patient with him, understanding and most of all supportive and no judgements.

 

good that he's going to do counseling.

[RRM321]

My fiancé and I have been together for 8 years, engaged for 3 (waiting until we graduate), and we argue a lot. I guess we always have, for at least a few years. We love each other and we're not going to let arguing stop us from getting married.

 

But does anyone have any advice on how to stop fighting so often? It's usually over little things - miscommunications and inconsequential decisions - but sometimes over big issues too, like his anxiety - he gets ridiculously stressed out, especially with school, but also with fear of not achieving his preferred career. I always support him, but I've become more and more exasperated when he gets stressed out because I've just been repeating myself for years, and the more I say "everything will be fine," the less sincere it sounds.

 

I want to be better for him. I want us to stop arguing as much.

 

Two things occur to me. First, are the arguments productive? If they produce a meeting of the minds and a mutually agreed resolution, then the arguments are probably healthy. To be true, the resolution has to be mutual - not one person caving in against their true desire.

 

Second, if it feels like most of the arguments are related or triggered by this emphasis on career - I would suggest you explore more closely what's going on with that.

 

Meaningful work is important to one's sense of self and good mental health but, a self-esteem hooked on singularity of the outcome can be problematic. Be wary of all-or-nothing thinking. The extreme outcome being: "I didn't achieve the career I want therefore nothing in my life is as it should be" (including: relationships, marriage, family, friends, status, etc.) What is truly the dominate element - the career or the relationship? Careers often change by necessity and I'd want to know if my relationship can survive such changes.

 

You also cannot allow your self to be the vessel by which someone else cleanses themself of negative emotions and thoughts. You will not survive that long term.

Edited February 19, 2016 by RRM321

[Zapbasket]

 

You also cannot allow your self to be the vessel by which someone else cleanses themself of negative emotions and thoughts. You will not survive that long term.

 

This is very well said and something I haven't considered in quite this light before. Of course people in a relationship should be able to turn to the other person for support with day-to-day difficulties and rarer and bigger crises. But the balance that has to be achieved is to do this without serving as, or treating the other person as, a dumping ground for negative emotions. Both people bear a responsibility in ensuring this doesn't happen: If you're the person feeling like your partner either takes out his or her negative feelings on you, or complains to you and expects YOU to do the work to cheer them up, then you have to set some boundaries. Passively, by maintaining a healthy social life, hobbies, etc. outside your relationship; and actively, by being supportive of your partner but letting him or her know when it's getting to be too much.

 

If you're the person who is always turning to your partner as a "cleansing sponge" for your negative emotions and thoughts (love this!), then you need to take responsibility to find an alternative "sponge"--going for a run, meditating, talking to a few good friends, etc.

 

It's a difficult balance to achieve and is yet another facet of relationships that points to the fact that both people have to be capable of, and willing to, take responsibility for THEMSELVES and THEIR OWN WELL-BEING in addition to turning to their partner for support, otherwise the relationship can't survive long-term.

[bathtub-row]

If you've said all you can on whatever topic it is, then stop saying anything. Whenever he talks about his insecurities, just listen. If a comment is required, just say something like, "I'm sorry you feel that way. You already know my opinion on this." There's really no need to continuously go round and round on a topic. After awhile, he'll either stop taking about it or he'll be glad that you're just listening. Men are almost never looking for advice when they vent their problems.

 

Getting into arguments, or bickering, over minor things is a huge waste of time and it erodes the relationship. Learn a new approach. The arguing will eventually destroy your relationship down the road if it doesn't stop.

[GreatCatch]

I don't know you or your fiance, so you should take what I have to say with a grain of salt.

 

If you are arguing now, then you can expect to argue the rest of your life.

 

If you have issues with your arguing now, then expect to have issues with it the rest of your life.

 

You have to ask yourself do you want to argue the rest of your life and are you willing to put up with it the rest of your life?

 

If you answer YES to both of these questions, then you'll be okay.

 

If you can't answer YES to both of these questions unequivocally, then you have some soul searching to do.

 

Is this really what you are looking for in a marriage?

 

Will it start to bother you more in the future then it does now?

 

You have to be sincere with yourself. You owe it to yourself. You don't want to have any regrets.

 

If you are bringing it up here, then you already have problems with your fiance's behavior. Err on the side of caution and take time to really think about your decision before you wind up hating yourself for not taking a time out now.

 

Best wishes.

[elaine567]

He needs to deal with his abnormal reaction to stress, first, before you even consider getting married to him.

His mental health issues, and those you describe ARE mental health issues, will drive you insane too.

Unless he does a complete turnaround and gets his life under control, then think very carefully as to what you are taking on here.

If he cannot cope with the pressure of "academics", then how is he going to fare in the real world?

Or are you going to be the one that is forever clearing the path and smoothing the road for him.

YOU are already showing signs of strain here, your "sympathy" reserves are becoming depleted and your tolerance of his "stress" behaviour is lessened. Arguing over the small stuff will not go away, it will probably just get worse in your marriage too.

 

This is NOT a good basis for a marriage.

Marrying your high school sweetheart often does not turn out well in the first place, and marrying one who already has issues will be a hard uphill struggle I guess.

[Phoenician]

Arguments are not the problem , the question is are you building sometimes resentment after arguments ?

They way I see it yes you are ..

 

When partners argue in a healthy way , any issue gets resolved with no traces ; as I said arguing is not the problem , the problem seems to be you are incompatible .it is a red flag

 

If this is the case now , what will you do when married and face so many problems in life ?