Her husband found out but things have now gone weird...

[Crazyninja]

Ok I'm the other man ... her husband caught a load of texts between us a few days ago about all sorts that shows true feelings and future plans...we are 8 months in and she loves me apparently...

 

He didn't flip out, he asked a few questions asked if she loved me, she said yes..

Has shown now signs of anything other than being humble? Which is not his personality.

 

He asked a few more questions and such.l

we are still meeting and talking nothing's changed.

 

Over the last few days he had said the following that I find exremely confusing and I'm Looking for some insight on.

 

I would never tell you to make a choice it's clear that you love each other, I would never make you chose because I would want you to lose someone you loved.

 

You can't help who you fall in love with.

 

I'd rather have you and him (me) in my life than not have you at all.

 

She then asked him if he had anyone else Becuse for the 8 months we have been seeing each other he has said "we would both be happy with Other people"

And he has also brought up them both seeing other people a few weeks ago.

His response was "I don't love anyone the way I love you"

She asked for clarification and got that again.

 

He's said lots of times over last few days he loves her and is sorry for how he's treated her (I'm taking that as guilt for his affair)

 

She's completely unwilling to let me go, and is pretty sure that none of this will pan out if it turns into some weird open thing...

 

But can someone shed some light on it and perhaps what he might be thinking?

 

I'm thinking he's been having an affair for a while and either his partner is stuck in a marriage or cannot leave or doesn't want to and he is torn between his wife and affair partner. Or that he doesn't want to leave for his affair partner Becuse he has realized the grass isn't greener?

 

But then he doesn't seem to be doing anything to get rid of me or to stop our affair...

 

Help!!

[yodelwithyu]

Please please don't do the "weird open thing." It is soooo messed up. There are fourteen pages on my thread to prove it.

 

A few things that may be going on with him:

He is really codependent and insecure. This is most likely.

He is trying to nice you/her out (pick me dance).

He is assuaging his guilt of his affair and leveling the playing field.

He has something up his sleeve. This is least likely.

Or it is a combination of some/all of the above.

 

I wish you all the luck and some more advice!

[Cymbeline]

He might simply be aware that when the secrecy and immersion in a World consisting of two people only with all their fuzzy thinking, disappears from an affair, it usually all looks a bit tawdry instead of intense and romantic. Odds are, that if he takes a long view, it will fizzle out. Perhaps he understands this.

 

Although it seems likely to me that he has someone of his own on the side too.

[anika99]

First of all anything your MOW says her husband says is suspect. It is second hand information and unless you speak directly to the source you don't really know what is being said. Cheaters often imply or say that their spouse is also cheating or has cheated as a way to assuage their guilt or the guilt of the AP.

 

It's possible that your MOW's husband has cheated or maybe he is guilty of other bad behaviour that he feels drove his wife to an affair. He is in a state of hurt and shock and is afraid of losing his wife. Why are you and your MOW in an affair? What is the plan long term? Do you want her to leave her husband or are you okay with the status quo?

[Crazyninja]

Bit more info :

 

He's been married and divorced.

He doesn't seem to be co dependent treats her like an employee not a partner.

 

If he was being nice to get me thrown out I'm not sure he would have said she can keep me.

 

The whole thing is surreal...areas 100% convinced as soon as it was out she would leave me standing....but doesn't seem to be a dogs chance of that if anything it's reconfirmed everything she didn't think about me and made her want me even more!!

 

But I'm going with grass is greener right up until he found out I was with his wife... Now he is trying to cake eat, keep his family together, ease the guilt he feels, level the field and see how it pans out?

 

Any more theory's?

[Stereotypical11]

He's hurt he doesn't know how to react he's been cheated on, you need to let her figure this one out give her space if she chooses you she does if she doesn't then you know. Either way this is where she finally has to decide and neither of you can do that for her. Hope this helps.

[13Hearts]

It doesn't really matter what he's doing.

 

What matters is what YOU are doing.

 

You're getting wrapped up in their drama. Why don't you try re-focusing yourself so that you don't need to worry so much about what some man you don't even know is thinking, saying, and doing?

[Crazyninja]

Same old story she tells me she wants me, won't lift a finger, always said if she got caught she would have to go back to him. But now it's almost as if they have both had an epifany of I can't leave my AP no matter what! And he has had a omg the grass isn't as green as I though and I don't really want to lose my wife.

 

But on a side note he is a very "looks" type of person so everything has to look good to anyone who sees it, fancy car, fancy house, amazing job etc and that's almost what consumes him.... So perhaps he doesn't want to ruine what everyone sees from the outside so would rather keep it all nice and shinty no matter what happens inside.

 

I would like a full blown relationship out of all this... I'm not in a rush but nor am I looking to waste time, I put a time limit of 6 months which would make it 1 year. If at that time nothing has changed then I'm out I've told her this. I can't and won't be a muppet, but I will take a gamble on somthing that may work out.

 

Yes I may be stupid but it's my time to waste and I happen to feel a lot for this woman, and now I'm just stupidly curious as to how this whole thing is going to pan out....

[HappyAgain2014]

My theory is she's lying. Her husband doesn't know and she said he does to eliminate you ever telling him.

 

If you believe he knows, why would you ever contact him?

 

This means a few things:

 

She's a liar.

She isn't planning on leaving him.

She thinks you'll believe her.

You're wasting your time with someone you could never trust.

 

Now's the time to send your letter.

[oldshirt]

Cheaters lie and cheat.

 

The reason we always advise BS's to check phone records, hack emails and social media accounts, place VARs and hire PIs etc is because cheaters lie and cheat and you can't believe anything they say.

 

That same logic applies to APs as well. Unless you have recorded their conversations, hacked her emails, checked her phone records and hired a PI to snoop into their home life etc etc, you have no clue what goes on in their house and marriage.

 

No one knows better what she does behind her partner's backs than you. What makes you think you can believe anything that comes out of her mouth?

[ShatteredLady]

If she loves you what's stopping her from divorcing?

 

Ok, I'll admit I was pretty naive when I first come to these forums. My only real experience of divorce was my uncle. Eventually he met a lady who was married to a coworker of his.

 

One weekend I overheard him telling my Mum (his sister) that he'd kissed her. The next weekend I heard that she had left her husband & had moved-in with my uncle!

 

That's the way I thought it happened! Horrible for the husband who was left. If 2 people want to be together why aren't they? Isn't anything else just playing games & destroying people's lives?

 

When I first discovered my H's affair I actually said "Just stay in contact with her if you want to!". What I meant was "I want you to stop because you love me & it's the right thing to do...I SHOULDN'T have to tell you to stop!".

 

Your situation sounds confusing. Are you sure you want to be part of this mess? Why is she procrastinating? What's going to change in 6 months?

[Ms. Faust]

Yeah, I am confused why she is not leaving at this point since her husband caught her.

[Grammie]

I'm confused..you said the affair has been going on for 8 months, and you were going to give it another 6 months

 

"we are 8 months in a....I put a time limit of 6 months which would make it 1 year."

 

that actually makes it more than a year - its a year and 2 months.

 

You made statements about her husband - do you know him? If not, how do you know what kind of man he is?

 

"But on a side note he is a very "looks" type of person so everything has to look good to anyone who sees it, fancy car, fancy house, amazing job etc and that's almost what consumes him.... So perhaps he doesn't want to ruine what everyone sees from the outside so would rather keep it all nice and shinty no matter what happens inside."

 

I think she is enjoying having a husband and an affair partner. I don't see her changing anything in the near future. Heck, in your shoes, I would question if she really did tell her husband about you and about the affair. I have a hard time believing this guy has no problem with his wife having sex with another guy. Most of the men I have known are not okay with sharing.

 

I would proceed with caution. Something doesn't sound right.

[Popsicle]

Ok I'm the other man ... her husband caught a load of texts between us a few days ago about all sorts that shows true feelings and future plans...we are 8 months in and she loves me apparently...

 

He didn't flip out, he asked a few questions asked if she loved me, she said yes..

Has shown now signs of anything other than being humble? Which is not his personality.

 

He asked a few more questions and such.l

we are still meeting and talking nothing's changed.

 

Over the last few days he had said the following that I find exremely confusing and I'm Looking for some insight on.

 

I would never tell you to make a choice it's clear that you love each other, I would never make you chose because I would want you to lose someone you loved.

 

You can't help who you fall in love with.

 

I'd rather have you and him (me) in my life than not have you at all.

 

She then asked him if he had anyone else Becuse for the 8 months we have been seeing each other he has said "we would both be happy with Other people"

And he has also brought up them both seeing other people a few weeks ago.

His response was "I don't love anyone the way I love you"

She asked for clarification and got that again.

 

He's said lots of times over last few days he loves her and is sorry for how he's treated her (I'm taking that as guilt for his affair)

 

She's completely unwilling to let me go, and is pretty sure that none of this will pan out if it turns into some weird open thing...

 

But can someone shed some light on it and perhaps what he might be thinking?

 

I'm thinking he's been having an affair for a while and either his partner is stuck in a marriage or cannot leave or doesn't want to and he is torn between his wife and affair partner. Or that he doesn't want to leave for his affair partner Becuse he has realized the grass isn't greener?

 

But then he doesn't seem to be doing anything to get rid of me or to stop our affair...

 

Help!!

 

Oh, this is interesting. So if her husband gives her permission to be with you (as in: they'll have an open marriage) would you be good with that? It sounds like he is giving her permission, and yes he will have another/other women as well.

[Crazyninja]

Shattered lady:

What did you do when your husband didn't choose to get rid?

 

She's procrastinating Becuse "she isn't ready to split her family up, basically has kids and would rather be unhappy with him than have them hurt?

Kids are suffering at the moment anyway for seeing how not to have a relationship and listening to arguing and such.

 

Grammie;

I knew her for a while before the affair started so that's the extra months.

I've heard a lot of stuff from her, yes I know never believe what they say but just like most in this situation I do believe what she says and I haven't caught her out on anything yet... And I've tried a lot to see if what she says was genuine.

 

I have all his details and was thinking of an email or text. They are supposed to talk this weekend so I figure I'll sit on my hands for now and see what gets said.

 

Popsicle:

Nope I'm not happy at all, I'm not looking to share her, it's me or nothing, and as I'm pretty sure he has someone lined up that even if they try it wouldn't last.

I see no way he would be able to do it, even if it is just so he keeps up appearance to everyone one that knows them.

 

she said she's not ready to break up her family yet so me and her are both stuck she has also said in no uncertain terms that she's not letting me go even if he says so.... So I told her there would never be a good time, and since it's all out in the open now, he will never treat her the same, and something should have inherently changed when he found out and she should have dropped me asap or dropped him.

 

She will not make a choice... Can't blame her for that she is sitting pretty.

 

But I did have a revelation I'm not stuck.... And actually what she's doing is really selfish and hurtful to everyone involved, I'm hurting now Becuse I still have no idea what's going on. Her husband is hurting Becuse his perfect picture wife is not who he though, and I think it's messed his plans up with what ever he was planning in the background.

 

This is a time will tell situation, but if I was to txt him what do I say? Since he knows about me and apparently seems ok, I was thinking of just sending a message saying "this is "my name", I'm guessing you know me Becuse of the recent situation. Just figured since you have said to her it's ok for her to contact me that I would give you my number so you can contact me , so now nobody is in the dark"

And I guess that's either a confirm or deny options and will either blow it all open as he will just ask what the hell im on about then I can tell him or will just take it and maybe message me. But then maybe I can ask him questions.

 

I know you are all thinking leave run away it's a crap situation... But it's hard since she is what I want, the situation will eventually force her or him to choose, as it's not sustainable! And If not I have a date and if they date arrives and I'm not where i would expect to be, then I will choose for them both.

 

It's kinda like watching a car wreck you want to turn around and close you eyes but you can't you have to watch!

That's kinda how I feel I know I should just walk, but can't at this moment in time as I want to see how it all plays out.

[AngeliqueC]

My thoughts: you and she have similar but not the same goals for your relationship. Yes, you both want to "be together", but your definition of "together" is not the same as hers. This doesn't mean there isn't love or emotional connection, just that you two aren't on the same page in the book of life.

 

The ball is in your court. Do you want to continue playing the game, or take your ball and go find another playmate? How many more rounds can you go with her before someone has a meltdown? (Tip: meltdowns don't usually end well for anyone)

[renny]

Shattered lady:

What did you do when your husband didn't choose to get rid?

 

She's procrastinating Becuse "she isn't ready to split her family up, basically has kids and would rather be unhappy with him than have them hurt?

Kids are suffering at the moment anyway for seeing how not to have a relationship and listening to arguing and such.

 

Grammie;

I knew her for a while before the affair started so that's the extra months.

I've heard a lot of stuff from her, yes I know never believe what they say but just like most in this situation I do believe what she says and I haven't caught her out on anything yet... And I've tried a lot to see if what she says was genuine.

 

I have all his details and was thinking of an email or text. They are supposed to talk this weekend so I figure I'll sit on my hands for now and see what gets said.

 

Popsicle:

Nope I'm not happy at all, I'm not looking to share her, it's me or nothing, and as I'm pretty sure he has someone lined up that even if they try it wouldn't last.

I see no way he would be able to do it, even if it is just so he keeps up appearance to everyone one that knows them.

 

she said she's not ready to break up her family yet so me and her are both stuck she has also said in no uncertain terms that she's not letting me go even if he says so.... So I told her there would never be a good time, and since it's all out in the open now, he will never treat her the same, and something should have inherently changed when he found out and she should have dropped me asap or dropped him.

 

She will not make a choice... Can't blame her for that she is sitting pretty.

 

But I did have a revelation I'm not stuck.... And actually what she's doing is really selfish and hurtful to everyone involved, I'm hurting now Becuse I still have no idea what's going on. Her husband is hurting Becuse his perfect picture wife is not who he though, and I think it's messed his plans up with what ever he was planning in the background.

 

This is a time will tell situation, but if I was to txt him what do I say? Since he knows about me and apparently seems ok, I was thinking of just sending a message saying "this is "my name", I'm guessing you know me Becuse of the recent situation. Just figured since you have said to her it's ok for her to contact me that I would give you my number so you can contact me , so now nobody is in the dark"

And I guess that's either a confirm or deny options and will either blow it all open as he will just ask what the hell im on about then I can tell him or will just take it and maybe message me. But then maybe I can ask him questions.

 

I know you are all thinking leave run away it's a crap situation... But it's hard since she is what I want, the situation will eventually force her or him to choose, as it's not sustainable! And If not I have a date and if they date arrives and I'm not where i would expect to be, then I will choose for them both.

 

It's kinda like watching a car wreck you want to turn around and close you eyes but you can't you have to watch!

That's kinda how I feel I know I should just walk, but can't at this moment in time as I want to see how it all plays out.

 

You are truly in a mess of your own making. Having an affair rarely ends well for anyone. I assume you're single, so I guess you could ride it out. The problem is she's taking you for the ride. She's into you, loves the sex, attention etc. Problem is, it sounds like she also likes the stability, comfort, and other advantages that come with being married. In other words, she wants her cake and to eat it too. I have a feeling that this woman will drag this out as long as you and the husband allow it.

[Miss Clavel]

my take, he will let her go but he will keep the children.

 

 

good luck

[elaine567]

Unless he says anything directly to you, you cannot really believe anything, she says, he said. People in affairs tend to lie to make themselves look good or to keep their AP on side.

 

Where are you in the "providing" stakes?

Are YOU and be honest, husband material? Can you provide the house, the car, and enough money to keep her and her children in the way they have become accustomed? She will be weighing up options here and will do whatever is best for her and her kids.

 

She didn't just run out and into your arms the moment he found out, did she? She didn't say "Thank God, we can now stop the deceit and be together", did she? and that is where YOU have a problem. She did in fact say she's not ready to break up her family yet, BUT she is not letting you go. - Cake eater I am afraid and I guess you are a slice of Victoria Sandwich and he is a big slab of fruit cake laden with sultanas and nuts. She will only make do with you, if he removes himself from the equation, by either kicking her out or moving out himself. Is that what you want?

Sorry, but you could waste a lot of time here, time you could spend moving on and finding an available woman to love and a woman who loves you back.

[Crazyninja]

So last Thursday she asks me to come over... So I do pretty much for the final time... She ends up jumping on me.. Upstairs we go.

 

They ad a conversation on the Tuesday about fixing things and seeing if it will work his idea.

 

Fastforward... Her husband who is away for work calls that Thursday and it's awkward and odd and lots of silence.. He calls back to say he lovers her and good night.

 

Little did me and her both know he has gone and slept with one of his work partners (he had an affair with and got caught back last year)right after the phone call...confirmed and listend to there conversation she recorded yesterday.

 

So apparently he did this so they are even now and wants to work on the marriage

 

So she told me when he told her it didn't hurt she knew that's what he might do blah blah....

 

Well since Thursday I've been quiet and distanced myself just to let them get on with it... But I'm getting messages still saying stuff like below:

 

I love you

 

I'm not leaving it! Don't say that! I cannot let you leave my life. I can't live without you. I'm not sure what I'm doing, I'm really not. I'm sorry you feel you've had no choice in this. I'm feeling the same if it's any consolation.

(That was in response to me saying you wrote me a letter telling me to leave u alone)

 

I know I love you because I've spent every second of the last week thinking about you. Your smile, your kiss, your eyes, our love. Every single second. I'm still here too, sad, depressed, empty, lonely, and hurt.

For you. For us.

 

. I wanted to call, text, meet you all day - I just know how I feel about you and I'm not sure I can control myself in all aspects around you. You see through me. It's easier to be on my own as I guess I'm kidding myself that I'm doing the right thing.

 

So now that things have gotten so odd my conclusion is that her husband had planned on sleeping with this woman which is why he was asking for an open marriage before hand but because I got caught it was a new and easier way.

 

Anyway like I said I left them to it let her msg me, her chase me, and now she wants to meet up... So I'm not sure why or how that's going to go. I'll be calm and collected hopefully.

And I'm going to explain that if she wants to work on her marriage as much as she said she does then I have to leave and let them carry on and try and repair all the damage, otherwise nothing changes.

 

I'm still confused as to why someone who before hand wanted to fix the marriage would go and have sex with someone who he got caught with ages ago just so things are even... It's not a game there are no playing fields where things need to be even... Your supposed to work together not against each other.

 

Also I've read loads here that the AP always wants to be chased and will give up straight away if the other person withdrawals anything.. Since it's a drug type effect. So why now am I being chased and messaged and being told come see me I love you?

 

But I think the more time that passes for me the less interested I am.

I've written a letter to tell her im leaving so when I feel I'm ready for that I will.

I guess it's better this way than going cold turkey? Less painful and frustrating.

[Miss Clavel]

So last Thursday she asks me to come over... So I do pretty much for the final time... She ends up jumping on me.. Upstairs we go.

 

They ad a conversation on the Tuesday about fixing things and seeing if it will work his idea.

 

Fastforward... Her husband who is away for work calls that Thursday and it's awkward and odd and lots of silence.. He calls back to say he lovers her and good night.

 

Little did me and her both know he has gone and slept with one of his work partners (he had an affair with and got caught back last year)right after the phone call...confirmed and listend to there conversation she recorded yesterday.

 

So apparently he did this so they are even now and wants to work on the marriage

 

So she told me when he told her it didn't hurt she knew that's what he might do blah blah....

 

Well since Thursday I've been quiet and distanced myself just to let them get on with it... But I'm getting messages still saying stuff like below:

 

I love you

 

I'm not leaving it! Don't say that! I cannot let you leave my life. I can't live without you. I'm not sure what I'm doing, I'm really not. I'm sorry you feel you've had no choice in this. I'm feeling the same if it's any consolation.

(That was in response to me saying you wrote me a letter telling me to leave u alone)

 

I know I love you because I've spent every second of the last week thinking about you. Your smile, your kiss, your eyes, our love. Every single second. I'm still here too, sad, depressed, empty, lonely, and hurt.

For you. For us.

 

. I wanted to call, text, meet you all day - I just know how I feel about you and I'm not sure I can control myself in all aspects around you. You see through me. It's easier to be on my own as I guess I'm kidding myself that I'm doing the right thing.

 

So now that things have gotten so odd my conclusion is that her husband had planned on sleeping with this woman which is why he was asking for an open marriage before hand but because I got caught it was a new and easier way.

 

Anyway like I said I left them to it let her msg me, her chase me, and now she wants to meet up... So I'm not sure why or how that's going to go. I'll be calm and collected hopefully.

And I'm going to explain that if she wants to work on her marriage as much as she said she does then I have to leave and let them carry on and try and repair all the damage, otherwise nothing changes.

 

I'm still confused as to why someone who before hand wanted to fix the marriage would go and have sex with someone who he got caught with ages ago just so things are even... It's not a game there are no playing fields where things need to be even... Your supposed to work together not against each other.

 

Also I've read loads here that the AP always wants to be chased and will give up straight away if the other person withdrawals anything.. Since it's a drug type effect. So why now am I being chased and messaged and being told come see me I love you?

 

But I think the more time that passes for me the less interested I am.

I've written a letter to tell her im leaving so when I feel I'm ready for that I will.

I guess it's better this way than going cold turkey? Less painful and frustrating.

omg. you spend so much time thinking about other people, a man you don't even know, except for the fact that you two share a va jay jay.

 

not only is this situation boring, it makes me want to smack your head.

 

get out. for the love of god, show some pride.

 

these two f'ed up people are gonna keep stabbing each other because, i suspect, they are drama junkies.

 

the fastest way to collapse a triangle is to remove one side.

[elaine567]

omg. you spend so much time thinking about other people, a man you don't even know, except for the fact that you two share a va jay jay.

 

not only is this situation boring, it makes me want to smack your head.

 

get out. for the love of god, show some pride.

 

these two f'ed up people are gonna keep stabbing each other because, i suspect, they are drama junkies.

the fastest way to collapse a triangle is to remove one side.

 

Agree. ^^^^^^^^

[Crazyninja]

I came here for responses to questions... Not to be ridiculed ... If it's that boring why are you wasting time threatening and reading what I'm typing?!?

 

In future I won't waste my time with this site if ridicule is all that I will gain from using it.

[Miss Clavel]

I came here for responses to questions... Not to be ridiculed ... If it's that boring why are you wasting time threatening and reading what I'm typing?!?

 

In future I won't waste my time with this site if ridicule is all that I will gain from using it.

 

hit the ALERT button and ask the mod to moderate the poast.

[MJJean]

She's cheating. He's cheating. Neither of them is willing to leave. They both want to stay in their sham marriage.

 

Run, Ninja, run!

 

I was in a similar marriage. 2 kids, ages 6 and 1. He cheated. I cheated. We stayed together for the kids, blah blah blah.

 

I finally met someone I "couldn't live without". Know what I did? I left my exH so I could be with that man. I didn't play games. I didn't feed on drama. I ended the marriage. And I did it in far less than 6 months.

 

Proof of love is in the actions, not the words. If she really loved you and really "couldn't live without you", she'd leave to be with you. Anything less is simply her making excuses to keep you around while maintaining her sham marriage.