life is bliss..except the sex!

[love4eva]

Ok first of all..i'm a married man (37) for 8 years, 2 beautiful kids(6 and 4) and a very

beautiful wife who I will always be devoted to foreva...regardless of the quality of our sex life....and I count myself lucky...will never cheat etc.

 

 

I'm a western man married to a very sexually conservative South Korean woman......I love everything about her...except when we jump in bed!

 

 

i have a steady job and always try to be a sensitive new age husband with housework etc...read to the kids etc....my wife is training to be a nurse so i look after the kids saturdays too....I love it.

 

 

Ok..to the problem...we have sex about 8 or 9 times a year on average.

apart from our first year together(which was Great)..when she was quite "willing"..things dried up after that...she so sexually conservative. I'm pretty certain she has never pleased herself, I once bought her a vibrator when we were in seperate cities just before married...she called me a "pervert" and threw it straight in the rubbish bin. When we do have sex, it's often pretty good, but I'm desperate to kiss her everywhere for some time and make her ecstatic, more orgasms (eg oral on her) but she never lets me......thus it's more orthodox....and short..eg 10mins..she "wants it like that"

 

 

I always try to be romantic and buy her stuff occasionally and take her out to dinner once a month and get a babysitter everyonce and awhile and try to get her in the mood and be romantic but she often complains the kids are draining...and shes just tired..last month we had three afternoons and I took days off work to be romantic (eg lunches together) but all she wants is "rest".

 

 

The worst thing is the lack of communication...she has been brought up not to talk about sex full stop..I'm happy to listen to her about anything.

 

 

The irony is , outside of sex, our lives couldn't be more perfect, I love her to bits but her culture has brainwashed her or something..I don't know.

 

 

she complains about "stress", but i try to explain sex is a good stress relivere but i never finish the sentence, I'm a "pervert" again.

 

 

I LOVE HER 4EVA...

 

 

any other ideas/ similar situations...I will try to talk to her again soon.

Edited January 31, 2016 by love4eva

[Stereotypical11]

This is a difficult one you had the honeymoon period in the start of your relationship, then you had the stage where you have children so you're trying and there's more sex, now you've reached the we have children Im worn out and just want my pjs and sleep stage. So first and foremost you're not alone many men feel the way you do and the love you have for your wife is amazing.

You have three options either retreat and stop trying let her wonder why you're not bothered and let her come running.

Two you sit down and talk this through or write her a message/letter saying you feel she's not attracted to you and talk through all the stages and how much you love her but it hurts you.

Three you could try a weekend away or send the kids off, try leaving little notes around the house that lead her to fun things maybe asking her to take a layer of clothing off or complimenting different parts of her body, then lead her to some sexy underwear which leads to you waiting in a candle lit room.

I hope this helps in some way.

[TaraMaiden2]

Her culture has very little to do with her libido.

To put it quite simply, she can throw up all the excuses and reasons she wants.

The bottom line is, she doesn't want sex.

She's trying to give you reasons and justifications, but frankly - she's just not into it.

 

So you have 2 choices.

Find it elsewhere, or put up with it.

 

There are countless threads on women whose husbands will not 'provide physical pleasure' and the reasons could be legion: Erectile Dysfunction, prostate, low hormone level, too much porn.... with women, the reasons are fewer, yet more general.

She's not into it, because she's not in to you sexually.

 

That initial physical frisson may have passed.

You may now simply be her very best friend and housemate.

And you just don't f**k best friends.

[True Gent]

Her culture has very little to do with her libido.

To put it quite simply, she can throw up all the excuses and reasons she wants.

The bottom line is, she doesn't want sex.

She's trying to give you reasons and justifications, but frankly - she's just not into it.

 

So you have 2 choices.

Find it elsewhere, or put up with it.

 

There are countless threads on women whose husbands will not 'provide physical pleasure' and the reasons could be legion: Erectile Dysfunction, prostate, low hormone level, too much porn.... with women, the reasons are fewer, yet more general.

She's not into it, because she's not in to you sexually.

 

That initial physical frisson may have passed.

You may now simply be her very best friend and housemate.

And you just don't f**k best friends.

 

It's a shame, but it's true.

 

My last relationship was with a woman who regularly made excuses, everything else was great between us except she always turned me down in the bedroom. We even went to a sex therapist because she "didn't know what was wrong with her".

 

Well eventually the truth came out, she just lost all sexual desire for me in our relationship. She had no trouble hopping into the sack with another guy and walking out of 9 years together to be with him. She's subsequently had more since then too.

 

I'm not saying your wife is going to find gratification elsewhere (although it is possible eventually), but she isn't into you sexually. You won't change this and you can't do anything about it. If it makes you unhappy and is spoiling your life then you need to tell her the relationship is not working for you.

 

I wish I did that instead of being crapped on, I was deeply unhappy with the physical side of my relationship and it was having an impact elsewhere too. I waited until the real truth was revealed and in hindsight I should of gotten out sooner.

[TaraMaiden2]

^^^ There, as with me, speaks experience. ^^^

[love4eva]

This is a difficult one you had the honeymoon period in the start of your relationship, then you had the stage where you have children so you're trying and there's more sex, now you've reached the we have children Im worn out and just want my pjs and sleep stage. So first and foremost you're not alone many men feel the way you do and the love you have for your wife is amazing.

You have three options either retreat and stop trying let her wonder why you're not bothered and let her come running.

Two you sit down and talk this through or write her a message/letter saying you feel she's not attracted to you and talk through all the stages and how much you love her but it hurts you.

Three you could try a weekend away or send the kids off, try leaving little notes around the house that lead her to fun things maybe asking her to take a layer of clothing off or complimenting different parts of her body, then lead her to some sexy underwear which leads to you waiting in a candle lit room.

I hope this helps in some way.

 

 

Cheers ..number 3 is already in the planning!!

 

 

I just want to focus on all the positive stuff about our marriage too..we accept each other...do countless things for each other etc ( eg I can't cook, but she cooks great..then again i work 730-6 weekdays busy).

 

 

also..i take your point about being more romantic than I already am.

 

 

last year we went on boat rides, movies, restarants with mixed success.

 

 

and yeahh...the kids take a tol.

[TaraMaiden2]

"A person hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest."

 

So for 7 years your marriage has been lacking in the physical department.

You get one answer that appeals to you - you think these 7 years can be resolved with a few encouraging moves on your part?

 

Haven't you already tried that?

I always try to be romantic and buy her stuff occasionally and take her out to dinner once a month and get a babysitter everyonce and awhile and try to get her in the mood and be romantic but she often complains the kids are draining...and shes just tired..last month we had three afternoons and I took days off work to be romantic (eg lunches together) but all she wants is "rest".

 

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

 

If nothing you have ever done, has worked so far, your best option is to absolutely quit trying and PULL BACK on everything you are already doing.

It sounds as if you work AND do a lot at home.

Try delaying your return home. Try doing less in the house.

She will soon realise what tiredness really is.

 

Which takes nothing whatsoever away from what I - and True Gent said earlier.

She isn't into you, hasn't been for a while, and you can't 'force' love, sex and romance' into a pot that is already full of something else.

[Ladyjane14]

Try a copy of What Makes Love Last by John Gottman, with particular attention to Chapter 11 Connecting Through Intimate Sex. This will give you some great pointers for how to get the conversation moving.

 

You guys appear to be at a life-stage where there are alot of outside pressures, kids to raise, bills to pay.. and the marital relationship can suffer under the strain, so I don't think it's just about cultural differences.

 

Bear in mind that good sex brings couples closer, not just through the act itself, but through the release of powerful, bonding hormones upon orgasm which say, "hey, THIS is my mate!"; oxytocin/vassopressin (for men) released into the system, producing an emotional response. So, it's not just about getting off. It's about maintaining an emotionally intimate relationship.

 

What happens sometimes with new mothers, is that oxytocin is also the same hormone which causes bonding with their babies, and that subconscious emotional bonding is split, with the husband often having the lesser share.

 

Sometimes a more thorough explanation of all the dynamics in play will influence a woman's determination to make a better effort. Get the facts about marriage and sex and see if things can be turned around. Don't just assume that your wife doesn't love you dearly. She might just be uneducated as to the importance of sexual intimacy.

[dichotomy]

I can echo some of what True Gent has said. Although our therapist never came up with a explanation for my wife's issue,probably because my wife stopped going to individual therapy.

 

However, I have a gut feeling that OP walked out on his wife, she is not going to be tearing up the dating scene and a sexual wild cat. Just a sense.

 

Also, outside of cooking, you really don't mention what she does for you as a wife. Ok she is not into sex anymore - but does she show you love, respect and honor in other ways small and large that makes you want to stay ?Forget your feelings what does she bring to your life?

 

As someone else said - your choices are most likely put up with it, cheat, or divorce. I dont see you changing her. Thats up to you and I would not judge you for any choice you make that helps you find less unhappiness..

Edited January 31, 2016 by dichotomy

[oldshirt]

This is an attraction issue, not a cultural issue. She has lost sexual attraction for you. As another posted has noted, there is a risk she will meet someone else and will be a porn star with him while you do the dishes and fold the laundry.

 

Look up Married Man Sex Life" by Athol Kay.

 

There is a series of books and a website with blogs and forums similar to this that are devoted specifically to married men getting their sexy back and becoming sexually attractive to their wives again.

[sandylee1]

Why do you accept her calling you a pervert for wanting sex...when she was happy to have sex in the first year of your marriage? Had she only wanted sex 9 times when you courted...would you have married her?

 

Let me tell you that she wouldn't pull this stunt with a man of her own culture.....he would take another women for sex openly if she did.......you are very accepting and accommodating.......helping her with chores unlike most men of her own culture would (in general..not all ) and this is the thanks you get.

 

I hope she doesn't ONLY see you as a nice safe bet....who provides and is a good father. It's good to be these things ....but she needs to see you as a lover too.

 

I hate to say this... ....but another guy on here thought his Japanese wife wasn't into sex..until she had an affair...she just wasn't into him.

 

I'm NOT saying YOUR wife is like that...but something is amiss.

[True Gent]

I can only echo what myself and others have already said.

 

Apart from being a Dad what else are you getting out of being a husband in this relationship? It seems to me that you are a great Dad and a doting husband who does more than your fair share of household chores and everything you can in helping to make a living for your family.

 

It also seems that you have tried repeatedly to be romantic and thoughtful. You've taken her away from the parent role and tried the romantic settings, you've made your desire for her clear. Yet all you get in return for that is the label "pervert". Were you considered a pervert when you were creating children together? She was sexual then right? After all of this you still continue with your doting role as a modern husband and father despite your own needs as a lover being completely ignored and by the sounds of it not even worthy of any consideration in the eyes of your wife.

 

Now I was with my ex fiancée for 9 years. If I'm honest we were only sexual the way a loving couple should be for about 2 years.

 

Guess what?

 

We also got on great, best friends in the whole world. I was continually doting towards her, I did way more than my share in our 'partnership'. I did the shopping, the housework, the cooking, washed her car, bought her nice things when I could afford to and I made the most money between us. I used to take her out for meals, nights out etc...

 

I regularly got the excuses "I'm stressed" or "I'm tired". As the lack of a physical relationship started to take it's toll on my wellbeing we agreed to see a sex therapist together, as I said in my previous post she didn't know what was wrong with her. Nothing came of the therapy after months of attending, nothing was established.

 

Eventually the truth was revealed when someone else caught her attention. Some mysterious guy who wasn't quite so safe boring and 'nice'. Her knickers dropped quicker than a burst ballon.

 

I was at home with our 2 dogs while she was out at this guys house until 3am. Did I see that coming? Did I hell!

 

I learned then that 9 years of being a loyal loving and supportive partner who was willing to accept a lack of sex gained me next to no respect as a man or as a lover. I learned that she was bored and things were stale. Being best friends the safe reliable dependable man isn't what makes a woman want to be passionate towards you.

 

I'm not saying your wife will cheat on you, but it is highly possible. The excuses she gives you are just that (excuses). There is no chance of you two lasting for life. You cannot live your lives in a sexless marriage, one of you will reach snapping point sooner or later. You must be about there otherwise you wouldn't be posting here.

 

If she won't take you seriously you need to ask yourself how much you actually mean to her. Not as the father of your children, but as her partner. You need to tell her how much pain you feel in the position you are in. Believe me I know how it feels and it hurts like **** and it slowly grinds away at your soul day by day until you feel nothing but resentment. You resent that you get nothing out of this partnership but a buddy or roommate, yet you give so much of yourself to them.

 

Sad fact is she isn't into you anymore. It sucks, but it's the truth and she won't admit it. There is no sugar coating this.

 

Honestly if you don't act you'll live the nightmare I faced in October 2013. I felt compelled to post in this thread because I see myself in you. I see everything I felt and faced with my ex. You are going to get hurt if you don't take charge like a man (I know).

Edited January 31, 2016 by True Gent

[sandylee1]

Truegent is right.

 

Perhaps once you try once again with romance you'll feel differently. I hope for your marriage that she reciprocates and stops calling you a pervert. How very insulting.

 

If she doesn't..I think some relationship reading is in order for her.

 

When my kids were younger. ...I was tired a lot....it affected the relationship.....but if my H was more helpful with daily chores and did some of what you've mentioned.....I would have been more interested in intimacy. I was also resentful and felt the kids changed my life more than his ......so that made me reject him as well. The other reasons for rejection might be body image and not feeling sexy.

 

Sounds like she gave lots of sex to hook you or her desire has suddenly dropped.

 

Communicate with her. Tell her how you feel..how making love makes you feel closer to her. How you want a marriage with a satisfying sex life...if she loves you...she will care how her husband feels and will want him to be happy. If saying it is difficult..then write it to her. You need her to know that calling you a pervert is hurtful..when your desires are natural. She needs to realise her low desire is an issue for you.

 

I know from experience that young kids are tiring...but the loss of closeness is a bigger issue.

 

I think you believe that she's way beyond what you thought you could ever get in the looks department........that's why you're putting up with this.

 

A few questions to help me understand your situation ......

 

Did you have many relationships before her? Serious ones.

Did you meet her in your home country?

How long did you date her before marriage?

[True Gent]

 

 

I think you believe that she's way beyond what you thought you could ever get in the looks department........that's why you're putting up with this.

 

 

Damn right! That was me too! ^^

 

I've been there and got the T-shirt.

[love4eva]

Thanks for the replies all...

 

 

Will definitely work on all more romantic times..weekends away etc.

 

 

I heard that you have to make TIME JUST THE TWO TOGETHER a priority..thus babysitters for the kids, romantic dinners, trips on boats etc to "reignite" the relationship...so that's my project for the next two years^^

 

 

I'm not "ugly" either..

 

 

cheers all.

 

 

luckily I can get the kids away easily enough on weekend nights.

 

 

She is a beautiful woman and I love her foreva regardless...she's my first girlfriend I fell totally in love with when I was 26...and love just as much if not more today. Can't imagine being with another woman (although all woman are beautiful of course).

 

 

I wouldn't discount the culture aspect so quickly...our environment does influence our thoughts..and SK is still just a generation away from arranged marriages and where the men definitely head of the house..

Edited February 1, 2016 by love4eva

[True Gent]

Thanks for the replies all...

 

 

Will definitely work on all more romantic times..weekends away etc.

 

 

I heard that you have to make TIME JUST THE TWO TOGETHER a priority..thus babysitters for the kids, romantic dinners, trips on boats etc to "reignite" the relationship...so that's my project for the next two years^^

 

 

I'm not "ugly" either..

 

 

cheers all.

 

 

luckily I can get the kids away easily enough on weekend nights.

 

 

She is a beautiful woman and I love her foreva regardless...she's my first girlfriend I fell totally in love with when I was 26...and love just as much if not more today. Can't imagine being with another woman (although all woman are beautiful of course).

 

 

I wouldn't discount the culture aspect so quickly...our environment does influence our thoughts..and SK is still just a generation away from arranged marriages and where the men definitely head of the house..

 

I think you are choosing to ignore the advice here and it will enventually catch up with you.

 

You say she is your first girlfriend, I'm sorry man but this is isn't going to end well. I'm not saying this to be nasty, but this was finished before it began. I'm speaking from experience, you think your situation is different, but the similarities between you and I are uncanny. My ex was my first truly serious relationship and I was her first boyfriend ever.

 

Honestly you will not be able to live with this 'beautiful woman' day in day out crazy in love with her and cope without the physical intimacy you should be sharing. Your romantic gestures are going to be a MAJOR source of frustration and don't be surprised if you end up fighting as a result of the romance.

 

I wish you well, but you're going to get bitten and I sympathise. I'm sorry if that's patronising, I just know what you're feeling and what's coming some day in the future.

[sandylee1]

 

She is a beautiful woman and I love her foreva regardless...she's my first girlfriend I fell totally in love with when I was 26...and love just as much if not more today. Can't imagine being with another woman (although all woman are beautiful of course).

 

.

 

First girlfriend. ......that explains a lot.

 

Your devotion to your wife is commendable........ I hope for your sake she feels the same and is just as devoted to you.

 

You sound like a really wonderful thoughtful husband....getting the kids away ....treating her. ....it's often guys like you who get hurt....and distraught as a result ......I hope it doesn't happen to you.... .....as you truly sound like a very sweet person ....... hopefully this is just stress of the kids and her studies.

 

I'd hope you see changes in less than two years though.

I'm very pro marriage...but the two should be on the same page.

 

BTW........... I never said you were ugly.

[sandylee1]

Something just crossed my mind... I hope you don't take offence..but she's your first? Are you her first? Could she be mentally comparing you to other experiences she enjoyed?

 

Could it be that she doesn't actually enjoy sex that much?

As she's your first you aren't experienced with women.

 

They say practice makes perfect...you didn't practice before her and you haven't been able to have a lot of practice with her......is she getting enough out of it to make her want more? You don't have to answer. ..just think about it.

 

I'm not wanting to offend...just trying to help.

[love4eva]

Something just crossed my mind... I hope you don't take offence..but she's your first? Are you her first? Could she be mentally comparing you to other experiences she enjoyed?

 

Could it be that she doesn't actually enjoy sex that much?

As she's your first you aren't experienced with women.

 

They say practice makes perfect...you didn't practice before her and you haven't been able to have a lot of practice with her......is she getting enough out of it to make her want more? You don't have to answer. ..just think about it.

 

I'm not wanting to offend...just trying to help.

 

 

he he , yes questions fine,, and the first month of sex (bout 2 months into relationship) or so was so exciting(eg PE)...but I quickly worked out relaxation is a part of good sex and it was great leading up to our marriage..just since marriage and esp kids... sex dropped off.

 

 

She still loves me a lot, we kiss, we hug A LOT, we talk about everything except sex, she does a lot for our marriage too not just cooking..kids etc.

So she still loves me a lot and says so..in fact she seems a lot happier today than a couple of years back when we changed countries...

 

 

Overall though..i'm sticking thru this..part of marriage is making it thru tough times..and a couple of lean years..so be it. "for better or worse"

[sandylee1]

It's good that there's a lot of hugging and kissing ...... at least the affection is still there and with that your children can see love between you both. That's really important...what the kids see so that they see what a healthy marriage looks like.

 

Like I said kids can zap your energy ....... with you creating child free time...that will help. Have you tried doing something like arranging a spa day with a relaxing massage for your wife?

This way she can relax without the expectation that she has to have sex. .....otherwise it can appear that getting the kids away is purely for you to get some....and not to give her a break.

 

Running a nice bubble bath for her is a nice idea as well....when the kids are sleeping and it's peaceful.

 

Marriage takes work and effort....you seem to be giving it lots of that.

 

Good luck and I hope things improve.

[Liam1]

he he , yes questions fine,, and the first month of sex (bout 2 months into relationship) or so was so exciting(eg PE)...but I quickly worked out relaxation is a part of good sex and it was great leading up to our marriage..just since marriage and esp kids... sex dropped off.

 

 

She still loves me a lot, we kiss, we hug A LOT, we talk about everything except sex, she does a lot for our marriage too not just cooking..kids etc.

So she still loves me a lot and says so..in fact she seems a lot happier today than a couple of years back when we changed countries...

 

 

Overall though..i'm sticking thru this..part of marriage is making it thru tough times..and a couple of lean years..so be it. "for better or worse"

 

Hi Love4eva:

 

My wife also started to desire sex far less after years of marriage. At first it was we could not keep our hands off each other, then it dwindled slowly over time to once every two weeks, then once a month than once ever few months, etc.

 

Have you considered counseling.

 

I had an affair, which was a huge mistake, so I don't advise going down that road.

 

I think I could have avoided the affair, had I gotten counseling.

 

Also, ensure your wife does not have a physical issue that may cause pain.

 

Pain could be a real turn off to sex, and eliminating the pain may work wonders.

 

The counselor claims that most women have a lower sex drive than men, in a long term relationship.

 

She claims she has many male clients who have divorced their spouses over this issue and then after a few years in a new marriage, their new wife also loses interest in sex. They jumped out of the frying pan into the fire.

 

There are exceptions, but because most women don't have a lot of testosterone, their sex urge is just typically lower than a man's.

 

Counseling has helped my wife understand that sex keeps couples bonded and now she is willing to engage more often.

 

Also the marriage counselor will instruct your wife to stop calling you a "pervert" in the situation you described. Also, I doubt she actually thinks you are a pervert, but saying that is likely a way to push you away, when you want sex.

[Lois_Griffin]

Well, don't take this the wrong way, but I'm guessing she doesn't really see you as very manly.

 

She clearly wears the pants in this family.

 

Guys just don't say "foreva" but teenage girls do. Nor do they say, "hee hee." Ugh.

 

Just...ugh.

 

Seriously, it's like you're this pitiful puppy dog begging for a scrap of affection from her and eager to do anything to get it.

 

So, SO unattractive.

 

The fact that you were 26 and she was your FIRST girlfriend kind of proves what I'm saying.

 

Passive men are seen as weak and unattractive and VERY easily pushed around and taken advantage of.

 

Which is exactly what's happened with you.

 

Time to man up.

 

And please, START your manliness lessons by taking "foreva" right out of your vocabulary. Good lord.

[Liam1]

Well, don't take this the wrong way, but I'm guessing she doesn't really see you as very manly.

 

She clearly wears the pants in this family.

 

Guys just don't say "foreva" but teenage girls do. Nor do they say, "hee hee." Ugh.

 

Just...ugh.

 

Seriously, it's like you're this pitiful puppy dog begging for a scrap of affection from her and eager to do anything to get it.

 

So, SO unattractive.

 

The fact that you were 26 and she was your FIRST girlfriend kind of proves what I'm saying.

 

Passive men are seen as weak and unattractive and VERY easily pushed around and taken advantage of.

 

Which is exactly what's happened with you.

 

Time to man up.

 

And please, START your manliness lessons by taking "foreva" right out of your vocabulary. Good lord.

 

Whoa:

 

That is really un-constructive advice.

 

Everyone is different. I see nothing wrong with the way he speaks in his posts.

[elaine567]

I think Liam1 made a good point, does she not want sex due to sex being painful? Sometimes after kids sex can be painful and if she is not relaxed due to pain it can become a bad experience and thus is avoided.

The other thing I thought was that some women do NOT want more kids and do not trust contraception, so no sex = no kids. Something to consider.

 

I think you need to talk to her very seriously and look as if you mean it here, no sex will eat away at your marriage and the last thing you want is to be 20 years older and hate your wife. She needs to realise that you are NOT a pervert for wanting sex with your wife and she needs to realise that withholding sex long term is a path to divorce.

 

I think Lois has a point too, women do not like abusive, selfish, horrible men, but men who they see as walkovers are not attractive to them either.

[Grumpybutfun]

Have you considered that due to her background, she may need a more masculine traditional husband? Her expectations are that you are leader and equal, but you have put her on a pedastal where her attraction for you has dried up?

You can't fix a problem when the other person won't even let you speak of it, so accept it or embrace the masculine role she needs in order to feel sexy. Some women want a man who leads, makes decisions, sets healthy boundaries for themselves and refuses to be shut up or silenced about their own needs. She is being incredibly disrespectful to you by not allowing even discussions to happen about your own marriage.

You are her roommate, because unless she has a medical or mental health issue, procreation is sanctioned by almost all religions and cultures.

Good luck,

Grumps