life is bliss..except the sex!

[Just a Guy]

Hi Love4eva, haven't seen you revisit your thread. I wonder if all the good advice given to you has made an impact on you? If your wife refuses all your efforts at involving herself in a sexual relationship with you, then you are left with two choices. The first is to grin and bear it and the second is to divorce her and move on with your life. If as Years Maiden has said, she does not want to have sex with you the there is nothing you can do to make her change her mind. There is no point in beating your head against the wall. Either accept it or walk.

[heartwhole]

A helpful exercise (after broaching the subject with her) is to have each of you write down how often you'd ideally have sex, and how often you think the other person wants to. And then compare notes. You may be closer than you think. She may think you want sex all the time and you might think she never does. Probably in her ideal mind, she's a once a week gal, but then the reality of life sets in and it never happens. This way you can set a target and even discuss strategies if you miss it. "OK, we said we'd have sex once a week, but it's been 10 days. What can we do to make this happen? I can take the afternoon off work again." Etc.

 

I would also encourage you to break the association between wining and dining your wife and sex. For some people who don't have a high libido, I think that having it be part of the date routine can be good to give them fair warning, but since it doesn't seem to be helping in your case, I'd wonder if she just thinks, "Oh, date night . . . now he'll want sex."

 

I read a book with the unfortunate title "Healthy B*tches" last year and it gave me a lot of insight into how my body works and how sexual chemistry works. Might be worth a read for your wife. It drove home the point that the more you have sex, the more you want it. It's a virtuous cycle. It also mentions medications that women commonly take that can affect libido.

 

Things are different after having children. Her hormones may be off and an estrogen cream or other remedy might help. Her OB or midwife could help with this.

 

If I were in this position, I'd just want my husband to be honest with me, but supportive and nonjudgmental. I'd want him to say something like, "I really wish we were having more sex. Can we talk about it? I think you're absolutely beautiful and I miss expressing our love that way regularly." I wouldn't mention how you wish she was more adventurous until you can increase the frequency. Once you get back in the groove, she may naturally seek out more excitement in the bedroom. But if not, I'd personally view that as less of an issue than infrequent sex. One is about your needs not being met, while the other is thinking, hey, it'd be great if your needs were met a little differently.

[1111volcano]

Ok first of all..i'm a married man (37) for 8 years, 2 beautiful kids(6 and 4) and a very

beautiful wife who I will always be devoted to foreva...regardless of the quality of our sex life....and I count myself lucky...will never cheat etc.

 

 

I'm a western man married to a very sexually conservative South Korean woman......I love everything about her...except when we jump in bed!

 

 

i have a steady job and always try to be a sensitive new age husband with housework etc...read to the kids etc....my wife is training to be a nurse so i look after the kids saturdays too....I love it.

 

 

Ok..to the problem...we have sex about 8 or 9 times a year on average.

apart from our first year together(which was Great)..when she was quite "willing"..things dried up after that...she so sexually conservative. I'm pretty certain she has never pleased herself, I once bought her a vibrator when we were in seperate cities just before married...she called me a "pervert" and threw it straight in the rubbish bin. When we do have sex, it's often pretty good, but I'm desperate to kiss her everywhere for some time and make her ecstatic, more orgasms (eg oral on her) but she never lets me......thus it's more orthodox....and short..eg 10mins..she "wants it like that"

 

 

I always try to be romantic and buy her stuff occasionally and take her out to dinner once a month and get a babysitter everyonce and awhile and try to get her in the mood and be romantic but she often complains the kids are draining...and shes just tired..last month we had three afternoons and I took days off work to be romantic (eg lunches together) but all she wants is "rest".

 

 

The worst thing is the lack of communication...she has been brought up not to talk about sex full stop..I'm happy to listen to her about anything.

 

 

The irony is , outside of sex, our lives couldn't be more perfect, I love her to bits but her culture has brainwashed her or something..I don't know.

 

 

she complains about "stress", but i try to explain sex is a good stress relivere but i never finish the sentence, I'm a "pervert" again.

 

 

I LOVE HER 4EVA...

 

 

any other ideas/ similar situations...I will try to talk to her again soon.

Sounds like you may have to just plz yourself in private sense she isn't really sexually active

[TaraMaiden2]

Sounds like you may have to just plz yourself in private sense she isn't really sexually active

 

And you've read the whole thread, yes.....?

[love4eva]

well the last few weeks I've just been focusing on work and playing

loving husband ....I helped her with an assignment..

both go to bed same time...and just..out of the blue..

..she started kissing me lovingly...eg french kissing.

 

 

>>>YESSS!

 

 

She got pretty excited and we got stuck into it...although she did push me away when I wanted the honeypot...I'm dying for that...

 

 

But anyway..it went well and I'm very happy this is a start back in the right direction...

 

 

Last few weeks we just concentrated on being loving to each other.

 

 

She is a beautiful woman and I'm really committed of course...

 

 

very happy..hopefully we can do it again soon..organising some

 

 

time together for us for next wekk.

[Mr. Lucky]

She got pretty excited and we got stuck into it...although she did push me away when I wanted the honeypot...I'm dying for that...

 

What exactly does that mean?

 

And this is sex once in how many weeks/months?

 

Mr. Lucky

[ShatteredLady]

Love4Eva. You sound like a truly lovely man who adores his wife & takes his marriage vows VERY seriously. Please remember that all of the members here came with their own issues & their history effects the advise that they give. Please keep that in mind.

 

The member 'Liam' has been through a similar situation. He also dearly loves his wife. As he said, he made the terrible mistake of having an affair. I think his advise to you has been great!

 

I was a member of a large "Mothers Club" & this subject has been discussed on many occasions. None of the women said that their lack of sexual desire was because they were no longer attracted to their husbands. NONE of them!

 

Quite a few of the ladies went to a women's hormone SPECIALIST (not regular GP testing) & found that even the smallest imbalance can make a HUGE difference. One wife described herself as a "Horney teenage boy" after having her hormones corrected. She couldn't keep her hands off of her H. He was exhausted!!

 

Another 'trick' that worked well for some was setting a day for sex, say Saturday. The idea is, you can do anything (kisses, cuddles, massage, baths together, aromatherapy oils etc) but you can NOT have sex except for Saturday.

 

The idea is that some women feel like physical things will always lead to sex. They're exhausted, out of the habit (& sex IS a habit) so they pull away to avoid turning their H on. The 'safe' physical expression leads to sexual frustration for your wife & she can't wait until Saturday!!!

 

I'd definitely avoid the toys & adventurous things for now. Just lots of kissing & touching. Movies that are a bit steamy (NOT porn. Romantic love making scenes) can get her engine running

 

I know that you think that your wife is stunningly beautiful but does SHE have a good self-image? Does she feel she's 'lost it' since pregnancies? Did she have difficult births? Stitches? That could make her self conscious about oral.

Perfect bladder control can also be lost after giving birth...she could be worried that she smells a little or something. Maybe try sharing a nice bubble bath first

 

Finally, I'd follow Liam's advise & NOT pretend to be more 'alpha', forceful & macho unless therapy tells you that's an issue. It's likely that she chose you because...you're you!! It's likely that she didn't want a tough guy because of her cultural history. She probably loves & adores you just the way you are. I like very kind, gentle men.

 

I wish you all the best. It's lovely to read a thread by a husband who's so loving & dedicated to his wife 4eva.

 

As another poster said, sex is a habit. The more sex you have the more you want & vice versa. I hope you guys can get back into the 'habit' & live a long, lovely marriage for life.

[Scrivdog]

She's from Korea. I was stationed there in the 80's. The women there were all knockouts but most were batsh*t insane. Guys I knew that had long term Korean girlfriends or wives either were getting daily verbal tongue lashings or they would get kicked out of the marital bed once the kids arrived. This was true no matter if the husband was American or Korean. Same deal. I never understood it.

 

Good luck is all I can say.

[love4eva]

hello all...Page 4 has been fantastic thankyou to those replies..

 

 

in fact..all replies i appreciate..but these last few seems to openly

accomodate cultural differences.

 

Look i love my wife and kids so much I'm not leaving them anytime soon.

 

I just feel our sex life could be waay better, for both of us.

 

it's not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things...other go thru losing love/kids dying etc....but i give example.

 

She studies all day and all night...we both do stuff around the house and help, etc , looking after kids etc...all normal there.

 

last night i just tried to say , let's set aside a night, say sunday, no study and we do stuff together..eg go restaraunt, go movie etc...she says "i'm stressed out..i can't do that"..

 

anyway..it's a continual work in progress...but for the moment I'm happy we've had sex recently.

[Lily blue]

Too many couples either in marriage or in a relationship, one always have higher sex drives.

Either one tried very hard to meet others needs or wants when they are dating but once they are hook the other person, true self comes out and holding back whatever reason.

I am Korean too and I have higher sex drive than my guy and I am frustrated but I don't complain either.

I too thought masturbating is wrong and disgusted but I have learn to accepted and I do it once in a while. It's not the same and I feel guilty afterwards but better than being frustrated or blame him for.....

Some people just don't think sex is priority in a relationship or think often as others do I guess.....some nothing to do with others being unattractive or lack of whatever they just not in to it as much.

I wish from the beginning they should be them self so there is no confusion or frustration like this from happening. Why they went along like they are in to it and than shuts off?

I don't understand and I think I never will.

Edited April 13, 2016 by Lily blue

[sandylee1]

hello all...Page 4 has been fantastic thankyou to those replies..

 

 

in fact..all replies i appreciate..but these last few seems to openly

accomodate cultural differences.

 

Look i love my wife and kids so much I'm not leaving them anytime soon.

 

I just feel our sex life could be waay better, for both of us.

 

it's not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things...other go thru losing love/kids dying etc....but i give example.

 

She studies all day and all night...we both do stuff around the house and help, etc , looking after kids etc...all normal there.

 

last night i just tried to say , let's set aside a night, say sunday, no study and we do stuff together..eg go restaraunt, go movie etc...she says "i'm stressed out..i can't do that"..

 

anyway..it's a continual work in progress...but for the moment I'm happy we've had sex recently.

 

What is she stressed about ?

 

Studies or something else. Find out

 

I'm getting the sense that you are afraid to speak your mind in this marriage. If you don't do stuff together.... you'll loose the emotional connection and end up being just parents and roommates.

 

I think you should invest in some relation books.

 

A good one is 'his needs, her needs'. Once you've read it your wife might be interested to read as well.

[standtall]

Read hard2think's 10 yr follow up post.

 

The sex thing will never be fixed...it is the way she is.

[piggyoink]

When a Korean person calls you a pervert, its sometimes but not always a general exclamation, and not necessarily asserting that you are a pervert. Hopefully that makes sense.