nasc88 Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 Hi Everyone: I was on here a few years ago and everyone was so helpful. I was hoping someone might have some insight. I am 39. I was dating a guy who was 45. Divorced (wife cheated) with 3 grown children (20,19,17). He did everything to whoo me, send flowers, took me horse back riding, signed us up for ice skating lessons. I could go on and on. It moved fast - his pace - but I went with it. I spent time with his kids, he met my family. Everything seemed great. We have been dating since October which as I know is not that long. He's been traveling for work for 12 days. He called every other day and would talk about all these fun things he wanted to do. Anyhoo, on Thursday I simply asked "do you think we'll get together this weekend while you're home (he leaves on Tuesday again)? I know you have a lot going on with your kids but we could go for a walk on Sunday or watch a movie." He responded "let's talk tonight or tomorrow by phone." When he left for his trip everything was great, we had breakfast, cleaned his place and he sent me a text "thank you so much for all your hard work today." Followed by 3 phone calls that day. So he called promptly at 6:15 and talked normally for 10 minutes. This is all paraphrase because I was on anti anxiety medication and to be honest upset because I knew what was going. I also won't bore you with the whole conversation. Then he said that he felt like the expectations he would have for his emotions at this point in the relationship aren't what he's feeling. He think things moved too fast. He also acknowledged that he was the reason why they were moving. He said he normally moves very slowly. So he said that this weekend for example he knows that he should make me his priority but he just can't with all he has on his plate. I said his kids should be his priority. So at one point he said something along the lines of "it's not even that I don't want to see you I just can't even tell you when I could." So I said "do you want to slow down? do you want to break up? What is the point of this phone call? So he said he wasn't sure. That he hadn't thought it through he just wanted to make the call. So I held it together until the end. Then I started to cry. I told him how much it hurt. How I truly thought he cared about me. That I thought I was someone worth investing in (this was his term he used all the time) and that I thought he was someone worth investing in. That I truly cared about him. I said that I thought our relationship was going in the right direction and that we made a good team. We had tried new things together, got along so well etc. So I was confused. At this point I was crying so hard I said I think we should just end the conversation. So we did. I have NO idea where we stand. I believe we have broken up. I have not heard at all from him. I'm confused by what he meant and what he wanted. I'm devastated. I have dated others but he was so different and I could see a future with this man - partly because he would talk about it. I'm so lost and hurt and devastated. Has anyone been through anything similar - on either side and could give me some advice? I have deleted him from every form of contact to keep me from reaching out. If he needs space, time, or whatever he needs I assumed the best thing was for him to contact me. Please, anyone have thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
thecrucible Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 Hey I hope you're holding up okay. That must have come as a shock. If he comes back to you I would treat it with caution as he doesn't come across as someone with a great deal of self-awareness. He also seems like someone who enjoys the highs at the beginnings of a relationship but never the real stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 awww honey I am so sorry ! It's a typical ending at 3 months when things started to fast and intense. How long had he been divorced? Link to post Share on other sites
Author nasc88 Posted January 31, 2016 Author Share Posted January 31, 2016 He's been divorced for years. I know that he spent a lot of time working on himself and taking care of his kids. I know that his wife crushed him by cheating on him. It's just so confusing going from where we were to having no idea. I have been so hurt in past relationships it took a lot for me to even enter into this relationship. It was really hard for me to open up to him and take the leap into the relationship. He was worth it. I guess part of me was expecting to hear from him again. I just can't believe that he could go from making a weekly movie night to watch his favorite movies with me to nothing. I assume I'm doing the right thing but just leaving him alone. I just am so crushed I have no words. I have not eaten or slept in days. I really thought I had met that special guy who truly cared for me. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmissjava Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 You take the time you need and you give the time he needs. Someone had to pull their head out of the clouds. It's been about 3 months and as hard as it is to say, it could have happened at any time, a long time into the future for instance. He may be feeling that by investing a lot into your relationship he might be fearful of being crushed and that's an issue that he needs to work on for himself. Don't reach out and try to keep faith that it won't always feel this way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 He's been divorced for years. I know that he spent a lot of time working on himself and taking care of his kids. I know that his wife crushed him by cheating on him. It's just so confusing going from where we were to having no idea. I have been so hurt in past relationships it took a lot for me to even enter into this relationship. It was really hard for me to open up to him and take the leap into the relationship. He was worth it. I guess part of me was expecting to hear from him again. I just can't believe that he could go from making a weekly movie night to watch his favorite movies with me to nothing. I assume I'm doing the right thing but just leaving him alone. I just am so crushed I have no words. I have not eaten or slept in days. I really thought I had met that special guy who truly cared for me. There are these moments when men withdraw from relationship to assess and make a decision if this is really what they want. It's possible he comes back to you and officially breaks it OR it's still possible he'll come back even more convinced he wants you in his life. Till then I think the best is to not contact him at all. Once he's back home and takes care of what ever he needed to take care of, then he'll start feeling something is missing (you). I know it's hard but try not to jump to any conclusion yet. Try to concentrate on something else for the next week. Anything can happen in the next few days. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nasc88 Posted January 31, 2016 Author Share Posted January 31, 2016 Thank you. I am trying my best. I've already enrolled in some classes I've been wanting to take but have been dividing my time and foolishly wanted to leave time for him. I'm just trying to keep busy and do my best to not think about it. I'm just so crushed. I truly cared about him and truly thought he felt the same way. It just hurts so badly. My friends and family have been amazing. Trying to keep me busy and not think about what's going on but as anyone who has been through heartbreak it just hurts. I am seeing a therapist due to family circumstances. My mother was in a coma last year and I had the responsibility of nursing her back to health. I went to a therapist to try and work through all of that. I feel it will be very helpful to speak with her but of course she's on vacation. Thank you for your response. I am just hoping others that have been though this might have some insight. Link to post Share on other sites
zanwalk Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 Hi, and sorry to read of your troubles. It does sound odd to me, that he should (apparently) suddenly come out with this strange phone call. If you think back, were there any other clues to the fact that he felt things were going too fast? I ask this because breaking up with someone who wants to continue the relationship is a very difficult thing to do, and clues can be hidden very well by some people. I'm not saying that it is the case that he has broken up with you, but you have done the right thing by waiting for him to contact you, if he does. And the last thing you want is to chase after him and then he continues the relationship for a while only to repeat this process further down the line. You are right to try and keep busy and involve yourself in other activities, it is the best way to keep your sanity. I can't help feeling that he hasn't been totally forthcoming about the real reason for this sudden change, but only he knows that. Best wishes for the future. Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 I'm sorry this happened, truly I am. But best it happened now rather than later. Time to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 What is his tack record for relationships? He has been divorced for years and he is still single....that should say something. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 nasc88: Is it possible he met another woman? Link to post Share on other sites
rockstar135 Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 Hate to sound cynical, but as soon as I read this, I thought "other woman". Link to post Share on other sites
AMJ Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 Oh, I've been through it! More than once. Focusing on his children, who aren't children anymore? They're all grown-up, how much time do they even want to spend with their father? Read Men Who Can't Love, because he sounds like he has commitment issues. Likely because he never got over being cheated on. For me, I find comfort from obsessing about self-help books rather than the relationship, because I like to dissect and figure out why things went wrong. But everything you describe- his intense need to pull you in during the beginning of your relationship, and then just going completely cold for no reason just as things are starting to get serious- yep. Textbook commitment-phobe. I've read that book TWICE. Ugh. I'm sorry for your pain! Link to post Share on other sites
Author nasc88 Posted February 2, 2016 Author Share Posted February 2, 2016 So here's an update from the weekend. I had left some of his things at the concierge of my building. He picked them up on Saturday at 5:15 pm. No word, no thank you. Nothing. Sunday night I went to dinner with a bunch of my girlfriends who were trying to cheer me up. While we were at dinner I got a voicemail from him because I did not hear the phone. He sounded like he could be drunk but who knows. The general voicemail was to tell me how great I was. That he treasured our time together. That I was awesome. Then ended it by saying and this is what sent me in hysterical fits of sobbing "I'm rooting for you." WTF. So I did not respond. It has been two days and I have not responded which is so HUGE for me. Part of me wants to respond because I want to make sure he knows I didn't want it to end and I'm afraid my actions - leaving his stuff etc - made it seem like I did. Then part of me feels like he was feeling guilty and that was his closure. I don't know what to do. I miss him like crazy. I honestly saw myself spending my life with him. Thoughts? Suggestions? Tips? I don't even know what I'm looking for from this forum but you have helped in the past and it really made me feel better knowing I'm not alone. This heartbreak has just crushed me all together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nasc88 Posted February 2, 2016 Author Share Posted February 2, 2016 nasc88: Is it possible he met another woman? No, there is only one thing I am confident in and that's there was no one else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nasc88 Posted February 2, 2016 Author Share Posted February 2, 2016 Oh, I've been through it! More than once. Focusing on his children, who aren't children anymore? They're all grown-up, how much time do they even want to spend with their father? Read Men Who Can't Love, because he sounds like he has commitment issues. Likely because he never got over being cheated on. For me, I find comfort from obsessing about self-help books rather than the relationship, because I like to dissect and figure out why things went wrong. But everything you describe- his intense need to pull you in during the beginning of your relationship, and then just going completely cold for no reason just as things are starting to get serious- yep. Textbook commitment-phobe. I've read that book TWICE. Ugh. I'm sorry for your pain! I have been seeing a therapist that was triggered when I had my last REALLY bad break up close to two years ago. I'm working on me. I would be open to some self help suggestions. I just feel so shattered that I'm having such a hard time moving on and not blaming myself for everything. When I tell you he was driving the train full speed ahead and then slammed on the breaks. It's just shocking. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nasc88 Posted February 2, 2016 Author Share Posted February 2, 2016 Hi, and sorry to read of your troubles. It does sound odd to me, that he should (apparently) suddenly come out with this strange phone call. If you think back, were there any other clues to the fact that he felt things were going too fast? I ask this because breaking up with someone who wants to continue the relationship is a very difficult thing to do, and clues can be hidden very well by some people. I'm not saying that it is the case that he has broken up with you, but you have done the right thing by waiting for him to contact you, if he does. And the last thing you want is to chase after him and then he continues the relationship for a while only to repeat this process further down the line. You are right to try and keep busy and involve yourself in other activities, it is the best way to keep your sanity. I can't help feeling that he hasn't been totally forthcoming about the real reason for this sudden change, but only he knows that. Best wishes for the future. I have looked back over the relationship and honestly can not pinpoint any signs. We were together often and having a good time so I am baffled. I do not remember crying this hard this much this often in my life. I truly thought he was special and we had the foundations of a long term future together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nasc88 Posted February 2, 2016 Author Share Posted February 2, 2016 What is his tack record for relationships? He has been divorced for years and he is still single....that should say something. I know he has dated but I don't believe anyone seriously. I know I was the first woman to meet his children since the marriage ended. Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 Guy is married with kids... wife cheats on him... guy thinks to himself, "I'm never getting married again. I'm just going to have a good time." Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 Well, quite honestly, I'm thinking maybe you're just way too emotionally needy for him. You're on anti-anxiety meds and crying like the world is ending when he told you he wasn't sure if he had the time to continue seeing you and you couldn't even talk so you had to hang up? Seriously? This wasn't a 25 year marriage breaking up, it was a 3 or 4 month dating relationship. You were looking at him as a potential life-long partner ALREADY at the 3 or 4 month mark? Frightening. I'm sorry, but you sound extremely needy and over-dramatic and I get the feeling you were just way too much for him to have to deal with and he had to back off. I mean, his kids are young adults, and I don't know too many 19 or 20 year olds who prefer to spend their Friday nights sitting home with their dad watching CSI. I think your intensity was a turn off for him so he's suddenly claiming that he needs to put his family - and everything else - first. I also think you were WAY more invested than he was and it scared the hell out of him. Just because you didn't SAY what was on your mind (about how you felt about him and saw him as a future mate) didn't mean that he wasn't getting the MESSAGE - loud and clear. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nasc88 Posted February 2, 2016 Author Share Posted February 2, 2016 in my heart of hearts I really do not believe that to be his intention...of course I could also be naive Link to post Share on other sites
Author nasc88 Posted February 2, 2016 Author Share Posted February 2, 2016 Well, quite honestly, I'm thinking maybe you're just way too emotionally needy for him. You're on anti-anxiety meds and crying like the world is ending when he told you he wasn't sure if he had the time to continue seeing you and you couldn't even talk so you had to hang up? Seriously? This wasn't a 25 year marriage breaking up, it was a 3 or 4 month dating relationship. You were looking at him as a potential life-long partner ALREADY at the 3 or 4 month mark? Frightening. I'm sorry, but you sound extremely needy and over-dramatic and I get the feeling you were just way too much for him to have to deal with and he had to back off. I mean, his kids are young adults, and I don't know too many 19 or 20 year olds who prefer to spend their Friday nights sitting home with their dad watching CSI. I think your intensity was a turn off for him so he's suddenly claiming that he needs to put his family - and everything else - first. I also think you were WAY more invested than he was and it scared the hell out of him. Just because you didn't SAY what was on your mind (about how you felt about him and saw him as a future mate) didn't mean that he wasn't getting the MESSAGE - loud and clear. I was not on anti - anxiety medication prior to last week. I have them in case due to panic attacks I have had in the past. I had a very calm conversation with him until I couldn't help but cry and tell him it hurt and wanted to end the conversation since he didn't know what he wanted. Perhaps I come across that way but I do not believe it to be the case. He was the one who was leading the charge in the relationship. I was not. I actually was unsure. He sent me 3 dozen long stem red roses after a month of dating with a note. He would show up at my door because he missed me. He was the one planning all of these things not me. He told me one evening that he didn't ever plan on letting me go. He was the one planning vacations. He led the charge and I jumped on board. I am not needy. I am not over dramatic. He would comment on how easy I was and drama free. I enjoyed my personal time and he enjoyed his. It is difficult after going full steam with someone who was driving the train and then slams on the brakes out of nowhere. I actually told him I understood how many things he had going on - he has been traveling for two weeks - and understood that I would not be the priority. That is what prompted him to mention that he wanted to talk. Sadly, his kids were not the most popular kids and did in fact chose to spend a lot of evenings going to dinner with him and seeing movies. I'm on this forum to express my feelings and I don't think it's very kind to attack someone. I'm upset, if my emotions come across a certain way so be it. Link to post Share on other sites
AMJ Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 He says "I'm rooting for you"?? WTF. Seriously, read Men Who Cannot Love. It describes your situation to a T. You did nothing wrong. He will do the same thing to anyone else who crosses his path. Yeah, he feels guilt, and yeah, he misses you. But that book will help you understand the anxiety and internal conflict these men feel when they are becoming more invested in a relationship. The more serious it becomes, the more out of control they feel- vulnerable. And they can't handle it. I was in your situation now, but let him keep pulling me back, and then he'd create distance again, for months. I would watch him have full-on anxiety about his feelings for me, but it was clear how terrified these feelings made him, and then he felt guilty for treating me this way....and it just went on and on. When he felt like I was distant enough, he felt safe to get me back again. Had I understood what was really going on with him, and had I been strong enough to recognize how much it was damaging me, I wouldn't have let this mess continue. I loved him so much- at that point I had moved hundreds of miles away to be with him, and thought we had a future together- that I let him go on this way. I thought he needed space, and time, to be okay with a relationship. Finally I reached my breaking point, and that was it. But it was a bad place to be in, for me. You're hurt but you're not completely devastated yet- so there's still time to get out now! Link to post Share on other sites
TheTraveler Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 I'm rooting for you! :lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
Author nasc88 Posted February 2, 2016 Author Share Posted February 2, 2016 Thank you AMJ. I appreciate the advice and will try the book. I was still leaning on reaching back out to him. I'm guessing that is not the route you would suggest? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts