He told me things were going too fast... [update 2016-06-21]

[nasc88]

It isn't just heartbreak, though. I think you need to be a bit more clear about what has changed for you in real terms. For example, you now feel uncertain, whereas you previously felt you were moving in a direction with him together. You may now feel he's untrustworthy, because he has ended things, rather than work with you to make them better etc. The problem with just calling it all heartbreak is that word, alone, is too vague. Whether with him, or with a new man, it will help you to think about why this has hurt you so much.

 

This too is excellent advice. Everyone has been so helpful with their advice.

 

I am no point felt uncertain. It was 100% him that started this. I need to remember when speaking to him to stay calm and breathe and listen. These are things that I struggle with because 1) I want to fix everything (sometimes you can't) and 2) it's hard for me to just listen to something ending.

 

I really do not think he is having a conversation with me this evening to get back together but rather to appease his own guilt. However somewhere deep deep down inside I am hoping for a different outcome. I am just trying to prepared when/if that is the case. Sigh.

[AMJ]

I do not miss these conversations. When I was going through the mess I told you about in your other thread, these conversations were always initiated by him. I'd sit there, listening, and couldn't even respond to what he was saying most of the time. I would just be stunned and wanted to respond, but couldn't find words. That probably didn't help our relationship much! Then a year after our breakup, I finally send him the longest email that said all of the things I had wished I'd said during all of these intense conversations.

 

I agree with the other advice here, and just wish you luck and strength! This is not an easy thing to do.

[Erdbeere]

I just gave uncertainty as an example, same as trust. I'm not suggesting those are your feelings, but I'd just like you to think about what his recent behaviour has done, and why it has caused you pain (not just that it has caused you pain, but why).

 

Something can only be fixed when 2 people want to fix it of their own volition, and are willing to put the effort in to fix it.

[Saracena]

How did it go last night, OP?

[Q-at-KeysOfPower]

Sometimes we see what we WANT to see instead of what is actually there. The same goes for "selective listening." This man's original reply to your text tells us that he is NOT looking to see you disappear from his life. He has fond feelings for you but he doesn't want to let you think he's farther down the relationship road than he is.

 

Sometimes it helps to watch your own words and actions so you can get a better idea of the impressions you're sending his way. Sounds to me like he just wanted to slow it down... hopefully without sending you crashing into a depression.

 

Bottom line? Listen (REALLY LISTEN) to what he says and does and don't try to move the relationship along faster than he is comfortable with.

 

Wishing the best for you :-)

[nasc88]

How did it go last night, OP?

 

He sent me a text at 9:08 pm saying sorry but he just closed his laptop and work was a disaster (he's traveling for work). He'd still like to talk perhaps Friday night or Saturday.

 

Clearly I am the last priority on his list. I am not going to lie and say that deep down I wasn't hoping the call would end positively but it's obvious not it won't.

[nasc88]

How did it go last night, OP?

 

Sometimes we see what we WANT to see instead of what is actually there. The same goes for "selective listening." This man's original reply to your text tells us that he is NOT looking to see you disappear from his life. He has fond feelings for you but he doesn't want to let you think he's farther down the relationship road than he is.

 

Sometimes it helps to watch your own words and actions so you can get a better idea of the impressions you're sending his way. Sounds to me like he just wanted to slow it down... hopefully without sending you crashing into a depression.

 

Bottom line? Listen (REALLY LISTEN) to what he says and does and don't try to move the relationship along faster than he is comfortable with.

 

Wishing the best for you :-)

 

I appreciate your words and agree with you what you are saying. What unnerved me was when I asked if he wanted to slow down or end it he said he had no idea. He came and picked up his stuff without a word. Then on his voicemail he told me he was "rooting for me." So all of those things to me sound like someone not looking to slow it down but rather to end it.

[Redhead14]

He sent me a text at 9:08 pm saying sorry but he just closed his laptop and work was a disaster (he's traveling for work). He'd still like to talk perhaps Friday night or Saturday.

 

Clearly I am the last priority on his list. I am not going to lie and say that deep down I wasn't hoping the call would end positively but it's obvious not it won't.

 

At this point, I'd say it doesn't matter what he is going to say. His original text was nebulous at best, but to me indicated he's moving on. My guess is that he wants to back track and end it in a more respectful way. Part of me hopes he wants to move things forward and part of me hopes he doesn't. I wouldn't appreciate being put off at 9:08 in the evening and, on top of it, not being able to say exactly which day. If he were scheduling dates this way too, I'd have move on then. You are clearly a low priority even if he wants to move things forward and will likely treat you this way always.

 

I might beat him to the punch and call him to say that you're moving on and wish him well but at the same time would be curious to hear him out and still end it myself if need be I sure wouldn't want to be hanging for another day or two about something this significant.

[Gaeta]

He sent me a text at 9:08 pm saying sorry but he just closed his laptop and work was a disaster (he's traveling for work). He'd still like to talk perhaps Friday night or Saturday.

 

Clearly I am the last priority on his list. I am not going to lie and say that deep down I wasn't hoping the call would end positively but it's obvious not it won't.

 

This is not the action of a man that is afraid of losing you, that's for sure.

 

How cruel to make you wait and to keep you in the dark. I would tell him I don't need for him to break up with me face to face. I'd put his things in a box outside and tell him to pick them up when I'm not there.

[nasc88]

At this point, I'd say it doesn't matter what he is going to say. His original text was nebulous at best, but to me indicated he's moving on. My guess is that he wants to back track and end it in a more respectful way. Part of me hopes he wants to move things forward and part of me hopes he doesn't. I wouldn't appreciate being put off at 9:08 in the evening and, on top of it, not being able to say exactly which day. If he were scheduling dates this way too, I'd have move on then. You are clearly a low priority even if he wants to move things forward and will likely treat you this way always.

 

I might beat him to the punch and call him to say that you're moving on and wish him well but at the same time would be curious to hear him out and still end it myself if need be I sure wouldn't want to be hanging for another day or two about something this significant.

 

That's the thing. When we were dating he made sure he had me lined up for the week. He was the one who suggested talking last night.

 

The problem is I really was wanted to make it work. It's clear he's done. I even think his phone call was just a way to lessen the guilt he had.

 

I'm just destroyed over it. I have an appointment with a therapist tonight I have been working with to deal with a lot going on with my Mom and will discuss with her before talking to him this weekend. Hopefully it might help put me in a better state of mind.

[nasc88]

This is not the action of a man that is afraid of losing you, that's for sure.

 

How cruel to make you wait and to keep you in the dark. I would tell him I don't need for him to break up with me face to face. I'd put his things in a box outside and tell him to pick them up when I'm not there.

 

I intentionally didn't call him back immediately. I even told him in my response last night that I had plans all weekend but hopefully we could find time to talk. This is not a lie. He's in FL for work for essentially the whole month so it is still just a phone call.

 

I already have left his things and had him pick them up. So that part is done and final.

 

I really thought I meant something to him. I really did. We clicked. We couldn't get enough of each other. I am not sure what happened. It is really just tearing me apart because I really cared about him so much.

[Redhead14]

That's the thing. When we were dating he made sure he had me lined up for the week. He was the one who suggested talking last night.

 

The problem is I really was wanted to make it work. It's clear he's done. I even think his phone call was just a way to lessen the guilt he had.

 

I'm just destroyed over it. I have an appointment with a therapist tonight I have been working with to deal with a lot going on with my Mom and will discuss with her before talking to him this weekend. Hopefully it might help put me in a better state of mind.

 

The problem is I really was wanted to make it work -- take the pressure off yourself. YOU can't MAKE it work. When you relieve yourself of the idea that you have/had control over this or even have to try to take control, it's easier to deal with.

 

I sometimes look at dating like buying a pair of shoes. You're at the store, you see a pair you like. You try them on and walk around a little bit and they feel ok at the time. You buy them, wear them for a while and then you realize that it hurts around the toe or the heel. Some people will continue wearing the shoes even though they hurt and some people will throw them out, but they still have to put up with the blisters for a while . . .

Edited February 4, 2016 by Redhead14

[nasc88]

The problem is I really was wanted to make it work -- take the pressure off yourself. YOU can't MAKE it work. When you relieve yourself of the idea that you have/had control over this or even have to try to take control, it's easier to deal with.

 

I sometimes look at dating like buying a pair of shoes. You're at the store, you see a pair you like. You try them on and walk around a little bit and they feel ok at the time. You buy them, wear them for a while and then you realize that it hurts around the toe or the heel. Some people will continue wearing the shoes even though they hurt and some people will throw them out, but they still have to put up with the blisters for a while . . .

 

Yes, that is an issue I have where I think it is my fault and I could have done something different.

 

However, your shoe analogy could be the greatest thing I've ever heard. I honestly laughed, smiled and thought...wow what an amazing way to put it. I thank you for your words and your time.

[Gaeta]

I intentionally didn't call him back immediately. I even told him in my response last night that I had plans all weekend but hopefully we could find time to talk. This is not a lie. He's in FL for work for essentially the whole month so it is still just a phone call.

 

I already have left his things and had him pick them up. So that part is done and final.

 

I really thought I meant something to him. I really did. We clicked. We couldn't get enough of each other. I am not sure what happened. It is really just tearing me apart because I really cared about him so much.

 

Sweetie I am really really sorry and my heart goes to you! The same thing happened to me after 6 months dating and ILY being said. It hits like a ton of bricks. The 'whys' aren't important. It's nothing you've done. It just happens. It's sad. But I assure you there is someone better for you out there. You don't see it now but there is.

[AMJ]

[quote=nasc88;6765568}

 

I really thought I meant something to him. I really did. We clicked. We couldn't get enough of each other. I am not sure what happened. It is really just tearing me apart because I really cared about him so much.

 

Oh man, I'm reading this and reliving my own pain from when I was where you're at. I'm just so sorry. Of course he blew you off-so typical! I really want you to read that book! What's crushing is this feeling you're feeling now like, how could I mean so much to someone and then suddenly mean nothing? This kind of situation can have long term affects on your self-esteem, your trust in future relationships, your trust in yourself..it's just really, really damaging to be treated this way. And it is extremely selfish of him to treat you this way.

 

Which is why the best thing to do, to protect yourself, is to stop searching for answers from him. That's easier said than done, and I know that. At some point you need to make peace with the fact that he does have feelings for you, the connection was real, but he's just not capable of intimacy and a relationship. There is nothing you did wrong, nothing you could have done differently, and nothing you can do now to change that fact about him.

 

Maybe he realizes this problem he has, maybe he doesn't. You're going through one of the most painful and destructive types of breakups, and I'm honestly just sad for you, because I know exactly how that feels. At least you were only with him for a few months, that doesn't mean much now but it will eventually.

 

Take care of yourself, do things that make you happy, do anything to keep busy, spoil yourself however and in many ways possible.

[Erdbeere]

The problem is I really was wanted to make it work -- take the pressure off yourself. YOU can't MAKE it work. When you relieve yourself of the idea that you have/had control over this or even have to try to take control, it's easier to deal with.

 

I sometimes look at dating like buying a pair of shoes. You're at the store, you see a pair you like. You try them on and walk around a little bit and they feel ok at the time. You buy them, wear them for a while and then you realize that it hurts around the toe or the heel. Some people will continue wearing the shoes even though they hurt and some people will throw them out, but they still have to put up with the blisters for a while . . .

 

That's really the crux of it - you can't make it work, if you're the only one trying. You can do all the right things, and it can still fall apart.

[nasc88]

Sweetie I am really really sorry and my heart goes to you! The same thing happened to me after 6 months dating and ILY being said. It hits like a ton of bricks. The 'whys' aren't important. It's nothing you've done. It just happens. It's sad. But I assure you there is someone better for you out there. You don't see it now but there is.

 

Thank you Gaeta. I appreciate that. I hope you're right. It really hurts and I know it will get better but right now I just can't stop wondering what happened to go from one extreme to the other. I understand the sooner I let it go the sooner I can work on me.

[Redhead14]

Thank you Gaeta. I appreciate that. I hope you're right. It really hurts and I know it will get better but right now I just can't stop wondering what happened to go from one extreme to the other. I understand the sooner I let it go the sooner I can work on me.

 

the sooner I let it go -- If you can do this, at least a little, before you meet him, it will put you in a position of power (not control), more of a mindset, no matter which way he's going with this. If he says it's over, you've already let go and you've already processed some of the hurt and can walk away cool, calm and collected (or do a better job of looking that way

 

If he says he's wanting to move things forward -- you will be able to be entirely objective about it, with less emotional clouding, and evaluate the situation based on the past few months with him. Were there other things that you had been kinda brushing aside or raised your radar on top of the recent things. Take your time in answering. Let him realize and see that you're thinking about it. Let him sweat a little, like he did to you. It's a little passive-aggressive, but justified IMO.

 

If you do take him back, hit the reset button. Don't just go back to the way things were like nothing happened. He needs to show you he's really all in now. Your trust is shaken, he has to earn it back. Don't just go back to his house and pick up where things left off.

[nasc88]

the sooner I let it go -- If you can do this, at least a little, before you meet him, it will put you in a position of power (not control), more of a mindset, no matter which way he's going with this. If he says it's over, you've already let go and you've already processed some of the hurt and can walk away cool, calm and collected (or do a better job of looking that way

 

If he says he's wanting to move things forward -- you will be able to be entirely objective about it, with less emotional clouding, and evaluate the situation based on the past few months with him. Were there other things that you had been kinda brushing aside or raised your radar on top of the recent things. Take your time in answering. Let him realize and see that you're thinking about it. Let him sweat a little, like he did to you. It's a little passive-aggressive, but justified IMO.

 

If you do take him back, hit the reset button. Don't just go back to the way things were like nothing happened. He needs to show you he's really all in now. Your trust is shaken, he has to earn it back. Don't just go back to his house and pick up where things left off.

 

I'm pretty sure there's not going to be an issue. I'm sure he does not want to get back together. I think this is a little more of me figuring out just how to move on from someone I really thought was going to be a part of my future. Your words have all helped and given me something to think about.

 

When you ask your close friends you expect certain answers. It is helpful to talk to people with no pretense but honest opinions and advice. So I thank you all.

[nasc88]

Hi everyone:

I'm back. You all gave me such great advice I wanted to follow up.

So I posted on here a while ago about a man I had been dating who thought things were moving too fast. I thought we broke up. After about a week of not talking he called me and we spoke. He explained he was not trying to end things with me but rather trying to slow things down. He is divorced and said when he was in counseling with his ex wife he realized they were never in a relationship and he's not sure he knows how to be. He said he doesn't know if he's the kind of guy that could ever be "head over heels in love with someone" and I deserve that. I told him that life isn't a fairy tale. He also said he has a hard time sharing his time and it is something that has been an issue even with his kids. He admitted to being selfish. He said that these are not excuses but he was trying to get me to understand. We have decided to slow down and take it "day by day." My problem is I have no idea what that means. I don't know if I'm willing to put myself out there to be hurt by him again. We are so compatible and I enjoy every moment I am with him. I feel like he's worth the risk but I'm afraid the outcome isn't going to be a positive one.

What do I do?!

[introverted1]

Whatever you decide, understand that you've been given fair warning. He has said he is unlikely to fall in love with you and that he is selfish. When a man tells you who he is, believe him.

 

Taking it day by day typically means that there is no commitment and no plans for a future.

 

Good luck.

[Zahara]

When someone tells you what you don't want to hear, listen. He's giving you a clear understanding of who he is and what his expectations are. It's one thing that you feel compatible with him on a superficial level but the disconnect is that both of you want and value very different things.

 

He's telling you he is selfish, he doesn't know if he can love you the way you should be loved, he's telling you he can't share his time even when it comes to his kids (imagine how he's going to behave with you!) -- and yet you want to take the risk. Well, if you still feel he is worth the risk, then you should be prepared for the outcome.

 

Sometimes we have to learn the hard way. This is probably going to be it for you. Often we fail to or choose not to pay attention to red flags because we're driven by emotions.

Edited February 11, 2016 by Zahara

[Redhead14]

Hi everyone:

I'm back. You all gave me such great advice I wanted to follow up.

So I posted on here a while ago about a man I had been dating who thought things were moving too fast. I thought we broke up. After about a week of not talking he called me and we spoke. He explained he was not trying to end things with me but rather trying to slow things down. He is divorced and said when he was in counseling with his ex wife he realized they were never in a relationship and he's not sure he knows how to be. He said he doesn't know if he's the kind of guy that could ever be "head over heels in love with someone" and I deserve that. I told him that life isn't a fairy tale. He also said he has a hard time sharing his time and it is something that has been an issue even with his kids. He admitted to being selfish. He said that these are not excuses but he was trying to get me to understand. We have decided to slow down and take it "day by day." My problem is I have no idea what that means. I don't know if I'm willing to put myself out there to be hurt by him again. We are so compatible and I enjoy every moment I am with him. I feel like he's worth the risk but I'm afraid the outcome isn't going to be a positive one.

What do I do?!

 

He admitted to being selfish

He also said he has a hard time sharing his time and it is something that has been an issue even with his kids.

his ex wife he realized they were NEVER IN A RELATIONSHIP

 

He knows he can't/won't give you what you want and need from a relationship. He's telling you who he is and his history confirms it. He doesn't want to end it because he does want someone in his life but on his schedule, when he wants it, how he wants it. He won't say he wants to end it, but he's basically telling you you should move on of your own volition. He knows that at some point you will get tired of his lack of effort and skills and will end it, at which time he can basically say "I told you so".

 

take it "day by day." -- Today I feel like seeing you, calling you. The next day I don't. Today I feel like I want you, but tomorrow I have the option of not bothering. This guy will blow hot and cold and you will be stressing during the entire time you are seeing him.

 

I'm afraid the outcome isn't going to be a positive one. -- Everything he's telling you is a negative. You won't get a positive outcome from negative input.

[PegNosePete]

Taking it day by day typically means that there is no commitment and no plans for a future.

^ Exactly.

 

He is telling you that your relationship is going backwards, to casual dating. Possibly involving seeing other people.

 

I would not be accepting of that, not one little bit. Relationships move forward. If it's moving backwards, it's a sign that it's not a good relationship.

 

You might feel you're so compatible and enjoy every moment, but I don't think he feels the same, otherwise he wouldn't be saying these things.

[Gaeta]

PLEASE MOVE ON.

 

This man has nothing valuable to offer you.

 

He will use you to fill the void, companionship and sex and then he'll drop you like yesterday's newspaper.

 

He's not the only compatible man for you on this planet.

 

It's ridiculous of you to continue this after all that he said !! Why in the world would you poor your attention and love on someone that is incapable of reciprocating?

 

He's not gonna change.

 

He's not gonna fall in love with you.

 

And when he's over his ex and ready for a relationship it will not be with you!