Jealousy out of control

[sinead]

I am having alot of problems due to my jealousy. My husbands at the last straw and has told me he cant cope any more if this continues.

 

Unfortunetly I do not seem to have any control over it and wish I was not like this. I have always been a bit insecure but things are gettin out of hand.

 

I accuse him of looking at attractive girls every time we are out. He says that he is not but I can tell they have caught his eye. I really dislike the girl in his

 

job because she was texting him chit chat after work and is overly friendly with him. I have seen her flirt with other men and with him. He says he is not

 

interested in her but I still check his text messages behind his back. I get really hurt when I see him looking at attractive woman. My freinds tell me that its

 

natural so does that mean I am unnatural?

 

 

I just found out he has a new secretary in work and the first thing I asked him was what she looked like. He said yes she was goodlooking and I was

 

freaked out. He stormed off them saying it should not matter if she was a super model and he cant help knowing if someone is attractive or not but does

 

not mean he wants to jump into bed with them. I hate feeling like this all the time. We came to live in the Middle East in september and I left all my family

 

and friends behind. I wonder if this has made my insecurity worse as the only friends we have over here are his work friends. I miss going out with my

 

friends and feeling confident. If any body has ever felt this way before can they please help me find out what i need to do about it. Does anyone else see

 

there boyfreinds noticing attractive girls and how do they deal with it?

[JadeStar]

Your jealousy is going to push him away and you will end up losing him. You're so obessed with him looking/talking to attractive girls etc. Men look, its human nature. If he loves you, and you all seem to have a pretty solid relationship, you need to get into some thearpy for your jealousy problem. My guess is it stems from either childhood, or someone has broken your trust in the past and it has carried over into this realtionship. Either way, work on yourself before you lose him.

 

 

Jade

[Marshbear]

You need to look at the underlying problem of your jealousy. Is it really his looking at attractive women or your own insecurity and low self-esteem that is driving it? If you think he is going to cheat on you then no matter what he does you will suspect he will.

It is natural to be a little jealous of your mate eying attractive women but you can let it go way to far ( as I suspect you have ). Does he ever do anything other than look at these women? It is natural to look at attractive people ( men and women ) and unless he is being disrespectful I don't see a problem.

You realize that he is becoming less and less tolerant with your behavior ( he can't cope with the jealousy ) and if you don't stop the accusations he will become resentful of you. If you can't end your fear then you might need to consider counseling. It might be the only thing to stop the obsessing.

 

Good luck...

[sinead]

Yeah I do see that my actions are self destructfull but I cant help myself, it is how I feel. He says that I am very attractive but that I do not see it . I was seeing a phycologist briefly but had to stop seeing him when I came here. He said I had very low self esteem. But is no one like that to see over here so I feel a bit lost. What do you think when your boyfriend looks at other woman, how do you shrug of your jealous feeling?

[JadeStar]

You had to stop seeing your counselor why? You said because you came here? Meaning to this site? or what? Don't stop seeing a counselor, they can help you with your jealousy issues. Someone that can help put things into perspective a little better for you and tell you how to handle it better.

 

 

 

Jade

[sinead]

I had to stop seeing him after a few times because we moved to the middle east. I dont think that kind of thing is available where I am. And I really would prefer a western phycologist because they have different ideas about woman over here.

[sparkle & fade]

OKAY. This used to be a BIG issue for me too. I know this feeling all too well. It is that burning sick feeling in the pit of your stomach, the utter despair, the lack of control, not being able to keep your comments and temper and feelings under control. I KNOW. Trust me. You are driving your man away. Pretty soon he wont even be interested in you. What once was charming and endearing and flattering to him is now driving him farther and farther away. It doesnt seem like he is enjoying it now. What is going to happen, if it hasnt already, is he is going to stop confiding in you, esp when the subject has to do with women. It is going to cause him to start hiding things from you. what I mean is this:

 

example:

 

Him, the secretary and the boss are going to lunch to "strategize" about an upcoming event or situation within the company. The boss has designated him to be the driver. They pile into his car, go off to lunch, and strategize. He comes home later. He doesnt tell you about the meeting. You and him go to the store to pick up gummi bears. You find a hair scrunchy with a piece of hair attached to it. Neither the hair or the scrunchy is yours.

 

Immediately you freak out. According to your mind, you have already envisioned them in sordid positions. You confront him and THEN he tells you. You are less likely to believe him.

 

Why do you think he didnt tell you? because you have shown him that you melt down over the mere mention of another woman. He didnt want to cause you stress and strain and problems for the both of you.

 

 

Okay, you need to realize that you are going to make yourself sick. Literally sick. You need to help yourself. This is what I did:

 

I took a really deep breath. Do this now. Take a deep breath. Say this to yourself: No matter what happens, I will pull through.

Get a haircut, manicure, whatever, but do something ONLY for you.

Remember that you are not this weak. Read a book. watch a soap opera. Sometimes focusing on other peoples problems make yours seem less. For one day, relax. Do not ask him about women. Dont torture yourself. RELAX. See if there isnt a big difference. Dont even talk about women. Remember how special and unique you are to him. Chances are he needs a break from the insanity. Dont make him feel like it is a chore to see you. Just relax girl. It will be okay. If you start to feel panicy, hug him. go to the bathroom and wash your hands. Do something but dont accuse or freak out. Remember, you are his woman, not his chore.

[oannamarie]

I have to agree with sinead. If he didnt like the way you look then he probably wouldnt have been interested in you in the first place. Everybody thinks other people other than their spouse is attractive. That is a natural behavior. Just because you think someone is attractive doesnt mean you want to sleep with them. For instance: I am straight but I thing that woemen are beautiful. That doesnt mean I want to sleep with them. You are lucky that he admits he thinks someone else is attractive. That means he has nothing to hide from you. You should feel happy that he can express his feelings to you and that he trusts you. If you keep pushing him and criticizing him about other woemen you show him that he cant be open with you and to lie about things that are no big deal.

[sinead]

So do all men take a second look when there is an attractive looking woman about or do some not notice. I am thinking maybe I am just with the wrong type of man for my personality but then I wonder if all men are like this? That maybe the only answer is to be single forever.

[JadeStar]

If you have that much jealousy, that a man you're with can not even look at someone else, then yes the single life may benefit you. If you're with a man and he is badly gawking at another woman, checking out her legs, butt, boobs, etc, I mean all the time every time or being very disrespectful to you in that manner then that might be different. But to have your guy just casually looking at others when walking down the mall, etc, then that is just plain human nature hun. Men do it! Hell, even women do it! As long as your man isn't doing anything other than looking I think you'll be ok. If you're this jealous over him looking, I can't imagine what it would be like if you had a man that did more than look.

 

 

Jade

[scarlyjones]

They very thing you are afraid of happening,.....this jealousy of him maybe LEAVING YOU for another woman or simply cheating? Well,.....your behavior BECAUSE of this feeling will be the very thing that could very well CAUSE it. Not saying he is justified,...but it would nudge him maybe. You just need to work on you. You are a beautiful person obviously,..if your husband chose YOU. Dont let your insecurities ruin it for you.

[scarlyjones]

Originally posted by sinead

So do all men take a second look when there is an attractive looking woman about or do some not notice. I am thinking maybe I am just with the wrong type of man for my personality but then I wonder if all men are like this? That maybe the only answer is to be single forever.

 

 

Its all HUMANS. Are you saying that YOU dont look at attractive men??????

 

I mean if your favorite color is blue,..then you notice things when they are blue, right? Why do you like blue?....Well because you find it has attractive qualities. You dont see something blue,...then make a mental note to do a doubletake. You just unconsciously Do it. Its nothing. I agree with whoever it was that said unless hes looking and leering and/or hitting on other women, then its harmless human attraction.

[miss fortune]

All men do it sweetheart, its a fact of life just like the sun rising and the tide coming in. It doesnt matter how gorgeous, sexy, smart, funny, friendly, fun you are, there will ALWAYS be someone else thats better. Pamela Anderson no doubt feels inferior to other females, its all relative to what our insecurities are. So you feel that you are not attractive...do something that MAKES you feel attractive. Retail therapy works for me but thats not for everyone.

 

Any man you are with is going to do this. Some are just better @ hiding it than others. The fact that he isnt making comments (unless you dig for details) is a good sign, he's just a healthy, horny male and its not anything you should worry about. Hes with you, right? For a reason! He loves you! If you continue to compare yourself to other woman, you will always hate yourself. So its important that you find what makes you feel good, what makes you feel pretty, and you focus in on those aspects. The girl that has gorgeous hair that just walked by may have really bad BO or maybe she has a lisp. The chick with the short skirt and long legs he just glanced at may have a small head or bad teeth. NO ONE is perfect, and clearly he recognizes this otherwise he'd be out scouting for someone who is (unsuccessfully).

 

Please try to relax and keep in mind that your actions are going to drive away the very thing you love most. What are you going to do when he's gone?

 

The way I cope with it, when my b/f mentions a girl he waited on (hes a server) that was "cute", is I just picture her with a bad breath or something else that's unattractive. It helps, I swear.

Or when hes with friends and they mention someone else met some hot chick, just keep telling yourself that she too has flaws. She may just be better at hiding them, thats why they think shes hot. See what I mean? Being beautiful has a lot to do with what you think of YOURSELF. When you love yourself, you care for yourself and you tend to look better.

 

He obviously is attracted to you or he wouldnt stick around. So lighten up sister!! I know its easier said than done, but the fact that you realize your thought process may not be normal is a step in the right direction already.

 

PS, I used to be insanely insecure. Then I realized, what the hell is the point? Worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair. Its something to do, sure, but gets you NO WHERE (I saw someone else say this on this forum and thought it was very insightful)